23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

I managed to nod to Tristan as I walked past him but my voice was choked when I said, ‘You can go back into the office now.' Whoops: he might have sensed something wrong there. I didn't look back because I didn't want to see concern in his eyes; I couldn't take it because I didn't deserve it.

I jogged upstairs to my room, picking up speed until I was almost running.

It's okay, Lucy. Esme's tone was soft and soothing.

It wasn't. My heart was hammering and I was pretty sure I was experiencing a panic attack. I went into my bedroom suite, closed the door behind me and leaned against it. Sanctuary: I was safe here. Greg wasn't here to watch me fall apart and Terrance couldn't watch me from inside my head. I had no one to judge me but Esme.

I never judge you, she murmured softly. She didn't, nor I her .

I slid to the floor with my back against the wood and tried to breathe more slowly. I sat like that for a long time until my heartbeat had slowed and a knock on the door propelled me to my feet. I opened it cautiously and peered out.

Tristan's face was unreadable as he thrust out a tub of Ben he had been a foul brute who had degraded the role of alpha. I could still see the fear overtaking Nova, the tension in every line of her body, the way she had cradled her son to her in terror as Rain and his wolves had pounded away at what had become her sanctuary. They had come to break into Nina, but the seat of power had withstood them without flinching.

I was so damned proud of Nina and I needed to remember to tell her that; too often we voiced complaints rather than compliments. She deserved my admiration. But what did I deserve?

Condemnation.

I had piped Rain's wolf to prevent him shifting and healing. Was that the turning point when I had become evil? Because surely I was evil now. I'd used my piping skills to make Geneve fall from the sky; I'd willed her to do it.

Normal pipers weren't like me, but I'd been made a piper by Glimmer and the rules didn't seem to apply. And if I didn't have a moral compass, what did I have? I was deadly and I was dangerous; I could be worse than Rain and Beckett combined if I so wanted.

We're nothing like them, Esme snarled. Nothing. You are strong and you did what had to be done. Do you think Geneve would have stopped? She was Domini , Lucy. She wanted our power, our crown. Our lives!

I sobbed as the hot water poured over me. Maybe I should have given it to her! I said despairingly. I don't know who I am anymore.

I longed to go back to being Lucy Barrett, accountant extraordinaire, who one day was going to run her own accountancy firm. An ordinary life with ordinary aspirations, but no less worthy for being so.

Is this about spreadsheets? Esme asked dubiously. Because if it helps, we can start one about people we have mauled or killed. She sounded hopeful. She was keen on a death spreadsheet.

I half-laughed, half-sobbed. That will not help, Esme. Not even a little.

I think you are bolting doors after the cow has already run.

Closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, I corrected.

Yes, that. Rain is dead, Geneve is dead. What is the point of feeling bad about it? They were intent on harming us and now they cannot. I do not understand your misery.

It's not about them, Esme, it's about me. Who am I ?

You are Lucy Alessandro-Barrett. Her tone was perplexed, like she didn't understand how I didn't know my own name by this stage of my life, and it tore a tortured chuckle from my throat.

She always knew how to lift me up and she made me laugh so often by mangling our sayings. I'd told her before about the closing the stable door after the horse had bolted but she was butchering my idioms to make me smile. God, she was the best soul sister a girl could ask for.

I cuddled Esme in my head but in truth I felt further from her than ever. Our perceptions were so different at times; she truly couldn't understand my anguish about my actions.

Grief pricked at me. I pressed my head against the cool tiles and let my tears mingle with the water as it gradually cooled. I pictured Xander offering me one of his bright smiles and another shard of guilt stabbed me. Who was Ben to determine that I should live instead of Xander?

You are Queen, Esme murmured. He is protecting you, as is right.

I was glad Terrance wasn't on my head right then because I would have been tempted to throw him as far away as possible, and flinging away the crown of werewolf power was probably a bad idea. It would be just my luck that fucking Stephen Isaacs would stroll by and plop it on his nefarious head, then I'd have to fight him, too. Right now, I wasn't sure that I could.

Esme let me cry, even though she didn't understand why I was so upset. She pressed her fur close to me in silent comfort and I appreciated it. She didn't need to understand me to love me.

‘Lucy?' Greg called; his voice alarmed. I looked up, and that was when I realised I'd slumped to the floor at some point during my crying jag. I was sitting at the bottom of the shower cubicle and the water was ice cold. I hadn't even noticed.

‘Oh baby,' he murmured. He reached in, turned off the water, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me. Then he picked me up as if I weighed nothing and carried me into my room.

I was shivering and his hands were rubbing me up and down over the towel as he tried to warm me. He threw my dressing gown over me as well, then towel dried my wet hair before gently brushing it. He plugged in my hair dryer, put it on a gentle setting and passed its warmth over both my hair and my robe to warm me until the shivering and shuddering had stopped.

Finally he turned it off. ‘I'm okay,' I said, somewhat unconvincingly .

He pressed a kiss to my forehead. ‘No, you're not, but that's okay.'

‘I'm never going to pipe anyone again.'

‘Lucy, you haven't done anything wrong.' I started to disagree but he held up a hand and I closed my mouth. ‘Your powers are part of you. Your enemies have faced the consequences of their actions and that's on them, not you.'

‘Isn't that what all dictators say?' I asked bitterly.

‘You're not a dictator. You're a kind and loving leader who will defend her pack with all her strength and with every power at her disposal. You're a good person, Lucy.'

The plaintive cry ripped from me. ‘So why do I feel like the bad guy?'

He smiled ruefully. ‘Because you're the good guy. Trust me, the bad guys rarely see themselves as evil. They don't question their actions, they justify them.' He kissed me quickly. ‘Now, let me take care of you. Do you want me to get you something to eat?'

I thought about it for a second, but all I really wanted was absolution. Failing that, a shit tonne of Ben I'd devoured one pot but it would take dozens of them to satisfy me after a shift. Still, the thought of actually eating turned my stomach so I shook my head despite the hunger gnawing at my guts. ‘No. No food.' Besides, I didn't want him to leave me even for a moment.

Greg's lips pressed into a thin line but he didn't argue. Instead he peeled me out of the dressing gown and damp towel and hustled me into bed. He stripped naked and slid in next to me, pulling me close.

‘You wanna have sex?' I offered, like the seductive temptress that I was.

He kissed my forehead. ‘Sometimes we can just cuddle. I'm here for you, Lucy, in all things and in all ways.'

‘Good,' I said firmly, pulling his lips down to mine. ‘Then make me forget, please.'

‘Forget what?'

‘Everything.'

He nodded and smiled a little, but his eyes were still sombre and seeing too much. I slid mine closed so I didn't have to look into them. ‘Make me forget my own name,' I ordered.

‘Your wish is my command,' he murmured. He snaked his way down my body and proceeded to do exactly that.