22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

When I walked into my office, Tristan was sitting at the security console while Ben was waiting for me in my guest chair. They were talking quietly. Tristan turned to me. ‘I'm sorry to hear about Xander,' he said.

‘Me too.' I swallowed audibly and my chest tightened uncomfortably.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. ‘So, you know how you summoned the Devon pack?'

‘Yes?'

‘They've arrived.'

I blinked. ‘All of them?'

‘All of them turned up while you were out. I've settled them in as best as I could. A lot of them have doubled up in rooms with some of the Devon pack that were already here.'

I grimaced. I hadn't been there to greet them and their first interaction with us was being told of Xander' s death – and not even by me but by my second. I should have been the one to tell them. I'd have to save the situation, but first I needed to deal with Ben.

‘Give us a moment, will you, Tris?' I asked him tiredly.

At the term of endearment, he gave me a half-smile. ‘Sure thing, Alpha.' He locked the computer, stood, walked out and closed the door; I had no doubt he'd be standing guard outside. We'd got off on the wrong foot but I'd really grown to value his solid, steady nature. It just went to show that first impressions were not always accurate.

As I looked at my brother, my emotions rose thick and heavy. ‘This is all your fault,' I said in a low voice.

Ben's expression was anguished. ‘Don't you think that I know that? I will see Xander's body in my dreams for the rest of my life. I didn't ask for this – I didn't ask to be made into a seer. I can't control my powers and I can't control what I see. All I can do is muddle along with the information that I have. It was him or you, Lucy. Every single fucking time one of you died. If he wasn't with you, you died. Without his death, you couldn't push yourself to kill another person with your piping abilities. You hesitated and you died – and so did the rest of us. So yes, I told Xander to come and I told him to hide in the boot. He was a sacrificial lamb and I laid him on the altar without hesitation, because it was the only way to keep you alive. God dammit, Lucy, you're my sister! I'd do anything for you, even murder Xander.' His eyes were full of tears and his voice was shaking.

His words cut me to my core and I knew I was being unfair.

Geneve is the one to blame, Esme said firmly. Not Ben and Rohan.

I nodded. I knew she was right but I was so angry at Xander's death and it had felt good to swing at Ben. Even now some small part of me blamed him, despite his contrition, but most of the blame could and should be laid at Geneve's door.

My own tears welled up and, just like that, the wind went out of my sails. ‘You didn't murder Xander,' I said. ‘Geneve was the one that killed him.'

‘I'm as complicit in his death as she is. Don't try to pretend otherwise.'

I'd walked into the room raging, ready to tear Ben apart for his part in the death of young Xander, but now the rage had dribbled out of me leaving me empty. The blame for Xander's death could be laid at Geneve's door; she was the one who'd barbecued him like a chicken.

Ben met my gaze again. ‘Without him, the dragon's fire burned you to a crisp. You couldn't absorb the flames and neither could Terrance because they were too strong, and you died before you realised you were in trouble. And in every one of my visions, Xander died, once from the poison from that purple monstrosity, once when a snake bit him. Another time the tunnel collapsed on him. Every time he came with us, he died.'

He raised his chin and his eyes turned defiant. ‘Like I said, I'd do anything to save you as you would for me – like you did for me. Hell, you ripped a wolf from the underworld to stuff him into my body. You saved me, so you can't chew me out for saving you.'

‘I know. But Xander is dead,' I said helplessly.

His eyes softened. ‘His death was in the stars. For whatever reason, his life needed to be short.'

‘That's not fair.' The words ripped out of me and I sounded like a petulant five-year-old.

Ben looked tired, worn and amused at the same time. ‘Life's not fair, Luce. Haven't you got the memo yet?'

I bit back a bitchy retort. ‘There's another issue here, one we need to discuss. It's uncomfortable, but we need to talk about it or we won't be able to change anything.' I took a deep breath ‘I ordered you to leave Xander here. If you're going to stay in my pack then you have to toe the line or leave. I'm the Queen, Ben. I can't let anyone defy me, not even my brother.'

‘Maybe I should leave then,' he replied rebelliously, folding his arms. ‘Go to another pack.'

Oof, that stung. ‘Maybe you should,' I spat back.

You don't want him to leave. Esme sounded confused. Why are you pushing him away?

I don't know. I admitted. My emotions were so muddled. I don't know anything anymore.

I had fully intended to go and meet the Devon Pack, to talk to them about Xander and his sacrifice, but now I found that I couldn't. I needed to go to my room and I needed to cry. I dropped my head down and rubbed my weary eyes.

‘Hey,' Ben said softly. ‘Are you okay?'

I nodded, but I wasn't; I was far from okay. I'd killed Rain. I'd killed Geneve by piping her. I'd used my powers in a way I'd sworn I never would. And I'd lost Xander. It was all too much. I was failing everything and everyone.

‘I've got to go,' I said abruptly. I pushed up from my desk and fled from the room as my brother watched me with soulful eyes.