20. Brad

20

brAD

O n the night before Christmas, Brad held out his hand to help Jillian into the carriage.

She smiled up at him, and placed her hand in his, sending a tingle of happiness through his chest.

The afternoon sun shone brightly, though it was still cold enough for their breath to plume in the air. But they were bundled up, and there were blankets in the carriage.

Brad had pulled a huge favor from the Cassidy boys to be able to take Jillian on a horse-drawn carriage ride through their snowy tree farm on Christmas Eve. And they couldn’t spend too much time here with the radio announcing that a massive ice storm was on its way.

But after the two of them had finally expressed their feelings at the library, he knew he had to hit a home run on their first date.

The Village Green was the nicest restaurant in town, but Jillian had insisted that she didn’t want anything fancy. So when they were finished with their ride through the trees, he was taking her home to cook her an amazing dinner—the best compromise he could think of to get good food in her belly without making her feel like it was too fancy.

He knew just what he was going to cook, too—French onion soup as an appetizer, then steaks and salad—a tribute to the many meals they had shared when he was traveling.

“This is… incredible,” Jillian breathed, looking around as he pulled a blanket over their laps, and took up the reins. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

He smiled, trying to see it all through her eyes. He’d been coming to the Cassidy family’s tourist farm since he was a toddler. But for Jillian, the beautiful trees, holiday lights, and decorations were all new.

“We’ll come again during the day,” he told her. “Then you can see the shops and the nursery, and we can feed the animals.”

“We’ll bring Josie,” she said immediately, then pressed her lips together like maybe she shouldn’t have said that.

But the fact that she loved his daughter was part of the reason he loved her.

“We definitely should,” he said, letting her see his enthusiasm. “She’ll love it, and she’ll want to go on a hayride.”

“A hayride?”” Jillian asked.

He waited for her to wrinkle her nose in the way she did sometimes when she was a little bit afraid. Jillian was brave and kind, but she was still a city girl at heart.

Instead, she smiled .

“Okay,” she said. “That sounds like fun.”

“You’d be down for that?” he asked her, incredulously.

“If you and Josie are there, absolutely,” she said, smiling. “I’m trying to be more open to facing my fears these days.”

He felt a pang in his heart as he thought about her standing in front of everyone at the library.

All my dreams are right here.

He would be replaying those words in his mind forever.

“You were so brave yesterday,” he told her, hearing the rough emotion in his own voice.

“I’m trying this new thing where I actually just go for what I want,” she said, looking dreamily out at the snowy pine trees. “It doesn’t come naturally, but I’m going to do it anyway until it does.”

“In all the years I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you ask for what you want,” he admitted. “And I don’t think I ever realized it until recently. You asked for books and toys for Josie, and you asked for permission to take her places and do things. But you never asked for anything for yourself—not extra time off, not your own apartment, not anything at all.”

“I was happy,” she said, shrugging.

“If you had felt comfortable asking,” he said softly. “What would you have asked for?”

She turned to look at him and he felt a zap of electricity when their eyes met.

“There was only one thing I ever wanted that you didn’t give me,” she whispered .

His heart pounded like it was trying to escape his chest.

“I wanted to,” he said. “But it felt wrong. You were so young, and you worked for me. What if you didn’t feel the same and then Josie lost you? I was… Well, I was afraid. And I’m not proud of it.”

“But you’re the bravest person I know,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Well, most people if they were left alone with an infant would have gone back home to their parents, if their parents would have them,” she said. “And I know yours would have been happy to help with Josie.”

“I wanted more for her than what I could have provided here back then,” he said. “I had to make a name for myself before coming home.”

“It was incredibly brave,” she said.

“I just hired you,” he said, shaking his head.

“That was brave too,” she said, her eyes so serious. “I know how precious she is. Trusting someone else to care for her while you worked wasn’t easy.”

“It was easy when it was you,” he said, remembering. “You were so young. But you just knew what she needed. What we both needed.”

She smiled, her eyes on the trees, as if she were picturing it too.

“It was easy to know what she needed,” she said softly. “She just needed love.”

They rode on in silence for a little while, the horses’ huffing, and the jingling bells on their harness providing a soundtrack to their thoughts .

“You were brave to come here too,” she said softly after a while. “You have a career in the city, and a reputation.”

“I have savings now too,” he told her. “Investments that mean I don’t need my new firm to take off right away and I don’t have to do the kind of projects I did before. Honestly, I don’t want to travel all the time. And I don’t want an Ivar Eriksson calling me at all hours of the night fretting about columns and buttresses.”

She smiled thoughtfully and nodded.

“I won’t be giving Josie a penthouse lifestyle anymore,” he said, suddenly wondering if that mattered to Jillian. “That’s not the kind of work I’ll be doing now, and anyway, I’d rather live like the people I serve.”

“The cottage is so much nicer than the penthouse,” she told him with a smile. “I think it will be good for you two. Josie wants to be as tight as possible with you now that you’re not traveling anymore, and I think being physically close will help with that.”

Will it be good for us three?

But now he was getting ahead of himself.

Focus, he told himself. It’s just a date.

“Anyway,” he said. “Sure, I was willing to take a big career risk coming here. But for all those years, I didn’t have the nerve to open up personally, to tell you how I felt and take the chance that you would run screaming.”

He could see in her eyes that she understood.

“You taught me that, Jillian,” he went on, his voice deep with emotion. “You teach me every day that it’s worth risking your heart.”

She smiled up at him with tears in her eyes and he found himself putting the reins in one hand so he could wrap the other arm around her, holding her close as they drank in the cold, fresh air, and the sight of the beautiful trees.

This feels like everything I could ever want, he thought to himself . Do I dare ask for one more thing?

He knew what Jillian would do.

I’m trying this new thing where I actually just go for what I want…