21. Jillian

21

JILLIAN

J illian perched on a stool at the counter with a mug of peppermint tea in her hands and Moose at her feet, as the Christmas station played on the radio.

It was surreal to be sitting here, watching Brad work to serve her. He had fixed her tea, and then rolled up the shirtsleeves of his flannel, revealing his muscular forearms.

She tried to avoid looking. But just the thought of the dark silky hairs that contrasted with the light tan of his skin had her cheeks burning.

Am I allowed to look at him as much as I want now?

The idea that they might finally belong to each other was almost overwhelming, and she wondered what else was about to change between them.

The truth was that things had been the same for so long, and she had clung to her life as it was so desperately, that it was almost scary to think about any kind of change, even if it was a change she had dreamed of .

“It won’t be long,” he told her as he chopped lettuce on the wooden cutting board.

Her fingers itched to help him, but he had been very clear about the fact that he was going to be cooking for her if he wasn’t allowed to treat her to a special meal out. And Josie was still with her grandparents, probably eating cookies and opening small gifts with her cousins. So they had the house to themselves for now.

Christmas Eve was a big deal for the family, but both Josie and Brad had insisted that their first date couldn’t wait until after the holidays. They planned to join the rest of the family after dinner to sing carols and read the Christmas story.

Brad washed his hands, unbuttoned the top button of his flannel, and ran his hands through his dark, thick hair.

You just can’t look at him, even if you are allowed, she thought to herself as she stared at him helplessly. Your face is going to be red as a lobster.

“I’m going to check for deer,” she told him, gulping as she hopped off her stool.

He chuckled and the sound sent a tingle down her spine.

She hurried out to the living room and gazed out the window.

The Christmas lights they had hung were on now, casting colorful shadows on the porch and a bit of the snowy lawn below. There were no deer outside, but the slight draft from the window cooled her heated cheeks and she paused a moment, just admiring the peaceful view before turning to head back to the kitchen .

She walked in as Brad was carrying a colander of cherry tomatoes from the sink back to the counter, and he popped one in his mouth, humming around it to the tune on the radio.

But that wasn’t right.

“You hate tomatoes,” she heard herself say.

He glanced up at her, looking a bit like a little kid who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“That was a tomato, right?” she asked, heading right over for him and automatically taking the colander from his hands.

Her fingers brushed his and she felt the same buzz of electricity that she had felt when he took her hand to lift her into the carriage earlier tonight.

“I don’t hate tomatoes,” he said, his gaze on her hands rising up to meet her eyes. “I never have.”

“Then why did you say…?” but she trailed off.

She already knew why.

“I liked you eating off my plate,” he said, his voice deep and rough with emotion. “I liked feeling like I was taking care of you, giving you a thing that was just for you, even if it was something so small.”

His words tugged at her heart as she thought back to every time they had sat down at the table and he had pushed his plate her way, watching her swipe his cherry tomatoes for the past nine years.

Suddenly, she realized how close they were standing, and her heart began to pound.

The next thing she knew, Brad was reaching down and cupping her face in his hand, gazing down at her with an intensity that could rival the sun .

She tried to tear her eyes from his dark gaze, but somehow they landed on his mouth.

“Jillian,” he murmured as he bent down.

Her heart stuttered as she realized he was going to kiss her. She could feel the heat of his palm against her cheek, and sense the longing in the way he said her name as it echoed around in her head.

Jillian …

“ Jillian,” a little voice shouted from the front door as Moose exploded onto his feet and took off for the hallway.

For a moment, she couldn’t even understand what was happening, but the sound of boots clattering onto the wooden floor roused Jillian from her trance, and she pulled back instantly.

“ You didn’t ask her yet, did you? ” Josie yelled, sliding around the corner and almost crashing into the big dog. “Did you ask her? What did she say?”

“ Josephine Williams,” Annabelle’s voice came from the hall. “Come back and take those wet boots off.”

“Sorry,” Josie muttered, scampering back to meet her grandmother as she emerged from the front hall.

“Are we early?” Annabelle asked with a smile, leaning down to pat the dog as Josie slipped off her boots and tossed them by the front door.

“Soup’s still in the oven, and I haven’t even started the steaks yet,” Brad replied, looking chagrined.

Jillian felt a pang of shame. Maybe they were dating now, but it didn’t mean that she and Brad should be all over each other. They had an impressionable young lady in the house .

And I probably shouldn’t be living in the house, she realized.

“Why don’t Josie and I take over so you and Jillian can have a cozy chat?” Annabelle offered.

Brad scowled, but nodded, his hand moving to his pocket and patting it as if he wanted to make sure he hadn’t lost his keys or something. That was odd, since they were just going to hang out while Annabelle and Josie cooked. And with the ice storm on the way, she didn’t think they were going anywhere.

“Come on,” he said, his voice a little rough. “Let’s go look for deer.”

But instead of walking to the living room window, he headed out the back door and onto the porch. She followed, pulling her cardigan closer around her shoulders. The brisk air felt good to her heated cheeks, and she drank in the beauty of the snowy woods as the first drops of cold mist began to fall, tick-tacking gently on the porch roof above them.

“I waited too long,” Brad said softly, his own eyes on the trees. “Years too long, to tell you how I felt.”

“But we got to know each other,” she offered. “And we gave all we had to Josie.”

“We could have known each other better,” he said, turning to her. “We could have given her brothers and sisters by now.”

The heartache she had tried to hide from these last few years hit her like an anvil in the chest and she turned to face the trees again, praying that he wouldn’t read her sadness on her face.

Jillian was nearly thirty. She wasn’t getting any younger. If she was being realistic, she knew that being a mom was becoming less and less likely for her as time went by, and it had been on her mind a lot lately. But during those times when she couldn’t put the thought out of her head, she reminded herself that she had been all but a mother to Josie, so she should have no regrets.

“Jillian?” he murmured.

“All I ever wanted was a nice little family,” she heard herself admit. “I wanted to be a wife and a mother.”

“Of course you did,” he said immediately. “And you’re part of our family, no matter what your answer is.”

She turned to him, but he was kneeling now, holding up a ring with a tiny diamond that winked and twinkled merrily, reflecting the colors of the Christmas lights.

“Brad,” she breathed, gazing down into his beautiful dark eyes.

“Jillian,” he said. “You mean the world to Josie and me. Please let me be your husband. I don’t want to waste another minute.”

“ Josephine Williams ,” Annabelle’s voice came from inside the house. “ Get back in here and give them some privacy .”

Jillian looked up to see Josie smushed between the Christmas tree and the window. Her little nose was flattened against the glass as she smiled at Jillian, nodding her head as if to remind her that she had to say yes.

Jillian couldn’t help smiling back.

“ Yes, ” she said to Brad.

The way he looked at her in that moment filled her chest with so much happiness that she thought she might float away into the sky like a helium balloon .

Brad stood and slipped the ring on her finger, and then pulled her close. She stole another glance at the window to be sure Josie wasn’t looking before she closed her eyes and let him kiss her.

Jillian had dreamed about this kiss for years. But being enveloped in Brad’s warm arms, his mouth finally claiming hers, was better than any fantasy.