18. Brad

18

brAD

B rad awoke in the pale light of dawn, feeling like something terrible had happened.

He sat up and blinked away the cobwebs, and it hit him all over again. Jillian was really leaving. She was going back to live with the Butlers and go to school. And because he loved her, he wasn’t going to lift a finger to stop her.

I’m practically pushing her out the door , he thought to himself sadly, picturing her face last night when he spared her the burden of telling him that she wanted to leave early.

It looked like she was in pain.

But he knew she would miss them, mostly Josie. He’d had one happy day of thinking she might love him back, and that would have to be enough. Knowing that her joy was because of the opportunity to go back to school did make him happy. He wanted that for her. He wanted her to have everything.

He put on his robe and headed quietly down to the kitchen to make coffee. Josie would be up soon, and he was going to have to pull it together before she got downstairs.

Somehow, the house already felt emptier. His eyes were drawn to the living room window as he came down the steps. But the deer were nowhere to be found. The cottage probably wasn’t on their regular grazing route. Or more likely, it had been when it was empty, but now a barking dog and a bunch of noisy humans had made them shy away. But that was okay.

Just like Jillian, some special things weren’t meant to stay.

Turning into the kitchen, he spotted a piece of paper under a tin of peppermint bark candy. The note fluttered slightly as he approached.

His heart suddenly in his mouth, he held his breath as he reached for the paper. It wasn’t lost on him that Jillian often gave him a tin of the chocolate peppermint candy for Christmas. She knew it was his favorite.

His stomach twisted. Something was wrong. Why had he told her to go?

She’s sleeping upstairs. I’ll talk to her as soon as she wakes up. I’ll tell her I love her.

But he knew it was too late even before he read the words on the paper.

Dear Brad,

Thank you for giving me the nine best and most memorable years of my life. I will always care about you and Josie and hope that all the best things happen for you both. I’ m feeling anxious to get back to the city so I can pack up and get ready for my new job. Please tell Josie I’ll call her every day right through Christmas. I’m so glad we were able to do our traditions together one last time.

love,

Jillian

He let the paper slip through his fingers as his chest clenched with regret.

This is the right thing. This is what she wants.

He found himself walking back to the living room window, leaning on the window frame and gazing out into the woods, where they had seen those magical deer what felt like a lifetime ago.

He stood for a long, long time, watching the sunlight reach its way slowly onto the lawn, hazy fingers of light trailing between the trees.

The sound of Josie wailing ripped him out of his thoughts, and he berated himself inwardly for not waking her to talk to her about it as he took the steps two at a time.

“ She’s gone ,” Josie sobbed when he opened the door.

Moose was in bed with her. He had his body curled around Josie’s, and the big dog gently nudged at her rib cage, as if to try and comfort or distract her.

For a millisecond, Brad wondered how he was going to explain. But that was before he saw the piece of paper in Josie’s hand and the stack of wrapped presents on her bedside table, perfectly illuminated by a ray of sunlight .

“I’m sorry,” he told her, crouching in front of her bed and gazing up into the sweet face of the girl he would gladly do anything for. He knew there was nothing he could offer her but sympathy. Jillian was everything to them both.

“Why did you let her go?” Josie demanded between sobs. “Why didn’t you tell her?”

“How do you know I didn’t?” he asked. “How do you know she didn’t leave because she doesn’t feel the same.”

“Because she does love you,” Josie yelled. “Are you blind?”

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“It’s in the book,” she muttered to herself, sliding out of bed and moving to the box of books they had kept. Moose trailed her like an inky shadow.

“What book?” he asked, wondering what kind of evidence could possibly be in one of Josie’s books. He didn’t really think any of her picture or chapter books had men falling in love with their children’s nannies.

“Oh, no,” Josie breathed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, getting up to join her.

“It’s the wrong box,” she said, her voice rising in panic. “This is the wrong one. Where’s the other one?”

“What do you mean?” Brad asked. “We had three boxes—two were to donate and one was to keep.”

“This one was supposed to go to the library,” Josie whimpered, tears sliding down her cheeks in a despairing way that Brad found much more frightening than the wailing and sobbing from earlier.

“I must have grabbed the wrong box,” he told her. “But it’s okay. We’ll go to the library and find it. ”

“What if she already got rid of those books?” Josie demanded.

“Then we’ll go to the community center and look through the donations there,” Brad told her, suddenly realizing what an onerous task that would be. “Or I can buy you new books—lots of them.”

“The books Jillian wrote for me are in there,” Josie said sadly, crying openly now, her little face falling into her hands.

Brad felt like he’d been hit in the chest with an axe. Those books were Josie’s most prized possessions. They were precious to him too. They represented all of Josie’s childhood dreams and passions, and the love that Jillian felt for her. And now they would be the most tangible memory his daughter had of the woman who had practically been a mother to her.

“Come on,” he told her. “We’re going to the library right now. Let’s find those books.”

“But… we’re in our pajamas,” Josie said, her sobs turning to hiccups.

“I don’t care,” Brad told her. “Get your shoes on. I’m starting the car.”

Five minutes later, they were pulling out of the driveway, still dressed in pajamas, but with coats and shoes to manage in the cold.

“Give me your phone,” Josie demanded from the backseat.

He surrendered it without question, figuring she was going to call her Uncle Logan or Aunt Caroline. That probably would have been the smart thing to do, seeing as how she was the Children’s Librarian. They might be able to solve this whole thing with a simple phone call.

But something had him tearing out of the gravel lot as quickly as he dared with his daughter in the car, desperate to bring back at least the memory of the woman they both loved.

“Jillian,” Josie said briskly in the backseat. “What are you doing?”

“ Jillian? ” Brad echoed in surprise.

“You can’t,” Josie said after a moment. “You just can’t. Dad gave our books to the library by accident, and now I’ll never see them again…”

Her voice broke off and Brad felt his heart disintegrate. He knew she was sad about the books, of course she was. But what she would never see again, what was missing that really had her crying like her heart was broken, was Jillian.

“No, we’re going there now,” she said. “We’re in the car. Please don’t go.”

A moment later, she was handing the phone back to Brad. He took it, willing himself not to ask, but then he just couldn’t help it.

“Is she going to come back?” he asked hopelessly.

“I don’t know,” Josie said, sounding despondent. “She said she had to go.”

So her plane was boarding. Or maybe she just didn’t have the heart to tell his daughter no.

“Whatever she chooses is okay,” Brad told Josie, feeling strength seep back into his muscles, even as his heart mourned. He was a father. There was no space for him to be weak when she needed him. “You and me, we’re enough, Josie. We’ve always been enough.”

Josie just sat silently in the back seat, and when he glanced in the rearview mirror he could see her expression was morose.

Maybe they hadn’t quite been enough in the past, but that was only because they didn’t have to be. Jillian was always there to take care of them and that was wonderful. They would treasure those memories.

But at the end of the day, Brad knew he was going to have to forge a new path forward for the two of them. Because it wasn’t up to him to decide whether Jillian stayed or went.

Maybe it could have been, once…

“I know you’re having a hard time making friends at school,” he told Josie. “I know a lot about this move isn’t the way you wanted it to be.”

“I’m not having a hard time making friends at school,” Josie growled.

“I… what?” He glanced in the rearview mirror to see her staring defiantly back at him.

“I’m not,” she said, shrugging.

“Then why do you come home so sad?” he asked.

She was quiet for a moment.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he said, worry mounting in his chest. “But maybe you can talk to someone in the family? Maybe Grandma, or Aunt Caroline, or…”

“I was faking it,” Josie said suddenly.

“You were what?” he asked.

“I didn’t want Jillian to leave,” she said softly. “Or maybe I wanted us to go back with her. Anyway, I thought maybe if you were worried about me, if you thought I still needed her, you would ask her to stay.”

Brad stared at the road ahead of him, speechless.

In one way, of course, he was shocked at his daughter’s deceit. He didn’t like thinking of her resorting to faking problems at school just to get the grownups in her life to do her bidding.

On the other hand, well, he was kind of impressed…

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I know I made you worry, and it wasn’t the right thing to do.”

“You’re right,” he said carefully. “Playing games isn’t the right thing to do. It’s better to tell the people you love how you feel.”

He glanced in the rearview mirror again and saw her nodding, her expression contrite.

“But I guess I could have given you a better example of how to do that,” he heard himself admit. “I’m sorry, Josie. I’m going to tell Jillian how I feel the next time I get to talk to her.”

“You are?” she asked, sounding a little happier.

“Yes,” he told her. “I know you think she feels the same, but I’m not so sure. Promise you won’t get your hopes up?”

But Josie only smiled like the Cheshire Cat as the countryside out the window melted into suburbs. Before he knew it, they were passing the community college fields and pulling into the little village.

Please let her books be here, he prayed. I need to get them back for her. That much, at least, is in my hands.