17. Jillian

17

JILLIAN

J illian spent the next day feeling amazed and excited. Things were coming together for her, and the book kept tickling her imagination. When Brad didn’t come back right away after dropping Josie off at her cousin’s house she decided to pull out the notebook and write some more.

Though she had wondered if yesterday was a fluke, within a few minutes of sitting down, her pen was sliding across the page as furiously as before, and her heart was flying faster than her hand.

The only shadow in her sunshiny mood actually had to do with Brad. He’d told her last night that he wanted to talk to her. But by the time she got off the phone and he came downstairs he told her it would keep, and that he needed to catch up on some email.

It wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that she’d had the wild idea yesterday that all her dreams might be coming true at once.

The way Brad had looked at her… it was like he was se eing her for the first time, really seeing her—not as a nanny or an employee, or even a friend. He’d kept glancing over at her on the drive home, almost like he was drinking in the sight of her.

And then he had asked to talk to her privately.

She had been tempted to text Fee right then, and tell her she’d been wrong about Brad Williams. Now she was so glad the school had called before she had the chance.

Take the win, she reminded herself. There were so many people out there who would have loved the chance to be part of a creative writing program. And thanks to her savings over all these years when she had food and housing with Brad and Josie, she could afford to participate.

Only a truly greedy person would moon over Brad instead of being grateful for everything that was going right. For heaven’s sake, he had even helped her land another job with hours that were perfect for going to school at the same time.

And she was inspired and writing again. For the first time in forever, the words were flowing out of her.

Her phone rang and she slid it out of her pocket, smiling when she saw it was Rachel.

“Rachel,” she said, picturing her little sister on the other end of the call, probably with tired eyes, and chubby baby Duncan on her hip. “How’s the little guy?”

“ You got in ,” Rachel yelled happily.

“I did,” Jillian said, smiling and hugging herself a little. She had sent Rachel a quick text today, but hadn’t expected to hear back. “I’m not really sure why though. Might just be that they need some older students. ”

“You’re not even thirty yet, big sis,” Rachel laughed. “You barely count as older. It’s a lot more likely that they just love your writing and they’re glad to get another shot at you.”

“Maybe so,” Jillian said, feeling gratified.

“I’m just so glad you’re writing again,” Rachel said, her voice softer now. “I feel like everything is coming together for you.”

“I thought so too,” Jillian admitted. “And most things are really great right now, so no complaints.”

“Brad,” Rachel said, the sudden seriousness in her tone letting her know it wasn’t a question.

Jillian normally wanted to protect her sister from the struggles in her life. Rachel had plenty on her plate with the baby to care for and her husband away.

But today she craved her sister’s advice, or at least to know she was on the other end of the call, listening. They had relied on each other all their lives. And right now, it felt like only Rachel could truly understand the pain and confusion she felt.

“I can’t explain it,” Jillian said, pacing from the window toward the fireplace as she gave in to her desire to confess. “Things felt different yesterday. I mean, they’ve been feeling different ever since I got here, but yesterday… Yesterday I felt like he was seeing the real me for the first time, not as Josie’s nanny, but as myself, as a woman.”

“Wow, okay,” Rachel said, sounding like she was taking her seriously. “What made you feel that way?”

Rachel would never say it out loud, but Jillian was pretty sure that her sister felt like Jillian’s feelings for Brad were wrapped up in the family they had both craved as kids, or maybe that she was feeling things for him because she didn’t get out enough to meet other people. Hearing her tone now was all the encouragement she needed to keep opening up.

Though she didn’t exactly have solid evidence for her theory.

“I’m not sure,” Jillian admitted. “I guess it was the way he looked at me. Normally, he doesn’t make a lot of eye contact, but yesterday it was like he was trying to see into my soul.”

“And you said he wanted to talk to you?” Rachel asked.

“He went to get Josie settled and told me he wanted to talk afterward,” Jillian went on. “And he had this look in his eyes. I can’t explain it—it was like he was excited and grounded all at once.”

“What did he say?” Rachel asked.

“That’s just it,” Jillian told her. “When he came back down, he said we could talk later because he had to do some work.”

“Well, maybe he did have to work,” Rachel suggested. “From what you say about him, he’s always working.”

“He used to be,” Jillian said. “But it was supposed to be different here.”

“True,” Rachel said. “But sometimes it’s hard for people like Brad to just turn off that part of themselves. Did he seem disappointed not to be able to talk?”

“No,” Jillian said, shaking her head at the memory. “His face was closed off again, like the last week never happened. ”

She ran her hand along the wooden mantel, wondering what Rachel was going to say. Her little sister wasn’t the kind of person to ever say I told you so. But it had to be hard to watch your big sister wasting away in unrequited love with someone for all these years while you got married, started a life, had a child…

“He’s scared,” Rachel told her instead.

“Of me?” Jillian said, surprised. “I don’t think so.”

“Of his own feelings,” Rachel said thoughtfully. “Maybe. And maybe he’s afraid to change anything with you.”

“Things are going to change either way,” Jillian pointed out, heading back to the window.

“You know,” Rachel said thoughtfully. “He’s not the only one who can open up right now.”

“You think I should say something?” Jillian asked dubiously, stopping in her tracks.

“Why not?” Rachel asked after a moment of letting her suggestion sink in.

“I… I don’t know,” Jillian replied honestly.

It wasn’t actually that she thought women should be pursued instead of doing the pursuing—some men probably needed a push. But she would never have thought of Brad Williams as one of them. The man was always in control.

“I’m not getting a sense of sadness about this from you today,” Rachel said. “For the very first time, I feel like you’re frustrated.”

“I guess I am,” Jillian realized out loud.

“You said, most things are really great ,” Rachel went on. “ Well, why shouldn’t it be all things? Why shouldn’t you have it all? You deserve it.”

“I don’t know,” Jillian said, pacing back toward the fireplace.

She had fantasized about confessing her love to Brad a million times, but never seriously considered doing it.

“If you’re right about how he was feeling yesterday,” Rachel continued, “then this might be your window.”

“It would have to be my window,” Jillian murmured. “We’ve only got this one last Christmas.”

“How would Josie feel about it?” Rachel asked suddenly.

The serious tone in her voice made it clear that her sister fully understood the little girl’s importance in Jillian’s life.

“The other night, she said she wants me to fall in love with her dad,” Jillian admitted.

“Oh,” Rachel said. “Oh, wow.”

“You know,” Jillian said, watching the trees outside bend in the wind as more flurries began to fall. “I think I actually like your idea a lot. I’m tired of waiting for other people to move my life along. I reached out to the school and made that happen. Why can’t I take action with the people I love, when it’s so much more important?”

“ Yes, ” Rachel said. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I have a good feeling about this.”

“I have a good feeling about everything,” Jillian realized out loud. “Thank you so much for giving me some really great advice. Now, I need to hear every single thing about Duncan’s week. Start spilling.”

A few hours later, she was in a terrific mood from Rachel’s funny stories, and she had another chapter written. She was just deciding that Brad probably wouldn’t be back before it was time to pick up Josie when she heard the front door opening.

Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest, and she snatched in a breath of air that felt like it didn’t quite fill her lungs.

You can do this, she told herself firmly. Someone has to, and you’ve never backed down from what this family needed.

For just a few seconds, she allowed herself to openly envision everything she had ever fantasized—family trips with the three of them together, a wedding gown, golden rings, rocking chairs on the front porch, and the look of love in Brad’s eyes as they both watched Josie grow into the incredible woman she was going to be—together.

“Brad?” she said bravely, as he stepped into the living room. “I need to talk to you about something.”

His eyes finally moved to hers again, and she felt instantly as vulnerable as that small deer out in the snow last night.

He knows. He knows exactly what I’m going to say.

She searched his eyes for some clue as to how he would receive her declaration, but all she saw in them was pain.

“Jillian,” he said, before she could say a word, moving as if to come close, and then stopping mid-step. “You don’t have to say anything at all. You’ve been so good to us all these years. I heard you on the phone last night, and I’m really happy for you. It’s time for you to spread your wings now.”

She blinked at him, completely confused.

“I spoke with the Butlers today,” he went on. “They said you can go to them next week. The baby will be born soon enough, and there’s plenty to keep you busy there with all the preparations. Your room is ready, and they’ll be glad to see you. You can be settled in before your classes start.”

One by one, all her dearest dreams began winking out. There would be no wedding, no front porch, and no rocking chairs. There would be no shared smiles over the breakfast table, and no holding Josie’s chubby babies on her knee one day, hearing them call her grandma.

She was a nanny to Josie and Brad, nothing more. That’s all she would ever be. And now he was just passing her on to someone else because he was finished with her.