16. Brad

16

brAD

B rad smiled as he watched Jillian and Josie walk down the halls of the Springton Valley Mall in front of him, pointing out all the beautiful Christmas decorations and the pretty things in the shop windows.

Today was the last day of school before the break, and Josie had come trudging out again when the bell rang, her head hung low, like she was in mourning. Once again, a couple of kids had waved to her, but her eyes had been fixed on the ground, like she wished she could disappear into it.

Brad kicked himself for not arranging a time to talk with Principal Tucker again. It was just that Josie had seemed like she was having such a nice weekend with Jillian and with her cousins. He had sort of expected her to snap out of it at school.

Clearly that wasn’t in the cards.

At least this trip to the mall seemed to be cheering her up. And there was a Santa Claus here, so even though they had sent out Christmas cards with the funny photo from the Hometown Holiday celebration already, they would still get to have a more formal shot with Santa for the photo album.

Up ahead, Josie spotted the bookstore and started hopping up and down, turning to him and pointing several times with her eyebrows up in question. He nodded to her, and she shot forward into the bookstore without another word.

Jillian laughed and followed her. She had a strange energy today. A mischievous light danced in her eyes, and there was a playful spring in her step. Ever since he had broken the news that they were moving, she hadn’t gotten super excited about much. But something had clearly captured her imagination today.

He half jogged to catch up, and found the two of them predictably in the kids’ section, with Josie looking at yet another series with dragons on the cover.

Normally, Jillian was right beside her, but today she was consumed by an end cap with books for slightly older girls. Each one seemed to have a design with objects and a title in large, swirly font, or a girl in a colorful gown on the cover.

“I don’t think she’s into these yet,” he said without thinking, feeling glad.

One day Josie would want to read books with a romantic theme, but he figured the later that happened the better. He much preferred to talk to her about quests and dragons and riddles. He definitely didn’t have any insight into romance .

He frowned at his own thought. Did that mean he didn’t have a chance?

I don’t have a chance because I have to let her go…

But he’d been up half the night thinking about it. If Jillian was really still interested in writing something, wouldn’t she have just done it already?

“I was just… thinking she will be in a few years,” Jillian said, without looking at him. “Maybe I should start reading them now.”

She cut herself off, and he felt like someone had dumped icy cold water on his head. First of all, Jillian always looked at him when she spoke, so at first he had thought maybe she was lying. But then she had stopped in the middle of saying something that made it sound like she was planning on being active in Josie’s life a few years from now.

This is it, he told himself . Talk to her now, or at least let her know that you need to talk to her tonight.

“That’s a good idea,” he told her instead, willing to hint, but not put her on the spot in the middle of the mall bookstore. “There’s a really good bookshop in town. The girl there, Sarah, can help you pick out some good ones.”

“That sounds perfect,” she said, her eyes lighting up.

“Can I get this?” Josie asked, holding up a boxed set of expensive-looking paperbacks.

“Let’s see if Sarah has them first,” he told her. “And maybe read the first one before we buy a whole set of hardbacks?”

“Okay, fine,” Josie said. “I’m going to get a whole bunch of books at the community book sale anyway. ”

Brad smiled at the memory of the sale. He had loved it as a kid. His mom would tuck a few bills in each of their hands and they would all tiptoe into the church together, looking around in amazement at how it had been changed for a single day to host the book sale. Warm light streamed in from the stained-glass windows, like always, but there were temporary tables set up throughout the space, all covered with the most wonderful books you could buy, all for a song.

They headed out of the store and back into the mall, walking along in friendly silence for a moment among the lavish Christmas decorations and glassy shop fronts with signs offering special discounts in honor of the holiday.

Josie blasted forward, eyes peeled for toys and books. Brad noticed Jillian’s eyes linger a few times, once on the storefront of a gift shop with holiday music boxes in the display, and again at the candle shop. But she showed no interest in stopping.

As a matter of fact, in all the years she had lived with them, Brad had never known her to come home with treasures for herself.

“Oh my goodness,” Jillian said suddenly, spotting the display up ahead. “Is that Santa Claus?”

“It is,” Brad said. “Now the line might be really long, because we’re so close to Christmas.”

“It’s not,” Josie said, darting ahead of them, toward the velvet-roped area. “Everyone else is shopping. Why didn’t we come here before?”

“I guess the mall wasn’t this fancy when I was a little boy,” Brad said, shrugging.

Josie laughed and jogged backwards, knowing she wasn’t really allowed to run ahead, but clearly unable to contain her excitement.

“Go on,” Brad said. “Go get in line.”

He watched as she skipped ahead, getting in what really was a short line, behind a couple with a toddler and a big dog that looked a bit like Moose.

“Brad Williams,” the man called out, looking surprised.

“Chris Bell,” Brad said, recognizing him as soon as he turned around. “Wow, is this your family?”

“Sure is,” Chris said, smiling proudly as Brad approached.

“Grace Cassidy?” Brad asked, pretty sure he recognized the beautiful young woman by Chris’s side.

“Grace Bell, now,” she said, smiling proudly and lifting her hand to show off a ring.

“Congratulations,” Brad said. “That’s so awesome. I’m really happy for you both.”

“And who are you?” Jillian asked, crouching to greet their little girl.

“This is our daughter,” Chris said. “Her name is Izzy.”

“Hi, Izzy,” Jillian said.

“That’s Molly,” Izzy said, pointing to the dog.

The dog gazed around at everyone, looking calm but alert.

“This is Josie,” Jillian said, gesturing to Josie. “She has a dog who looks a lot like Molly. His name is Moose.”

Grace and Chris began catching him up on all that had happened with them since Brad had seen them last, while Jillian interacted with the kids.

It was her way to be drawn to children, but today, maybe because he wished he could introduce her as his girl, he realized that her actions were a tribute to her sense of propriety. She clearly felt the line between being friendly and appearing to be part of the family, and tried to make it easier for him not to introduce her.

He suddenly realized he had been looking at her too long.

“She’s lovely,” Grace said softly, with a knowing smile.

“Can’t believe we haven’t bumped into you two over the holidays before,” Chris said. “Do you usually spend them with her family?”

Jillian’s eyes moved to him and for a second he saw a flash of pain.

Her family…

He froze, uncertain of what to say, when everything in him told him to claim her publicly.

“Well, you’ll be seeing each other plenty from now on,” Jillian said brightly, saving him. “Did you tell them about the move back to Trinity Falls?”

The conversation went on to the move and no one batted an eye.

As Chris talked about the coming events that might need volunteers, Brad found himself thinking about the fact that his old friends thought he was involved with Jillian, and no one had been anything but happy about it. It felt good that no one was judging him for having messed up his first marriage and moved on to a sweet young woman.

Before long, Chris and his family were being called up to let Izzy meet Santa.

“They seem so nice,” Jillian said fondly, watching them talk to Izzy about the big, bearded man with the candy canes.

“I’ve known them both forever,” Brad said. “Grace used to spend summers in Trinity Falls.”

“I guess anyone who’s been to Trinity Falls once always wants to come back,” Jillian said with a smile.

“Does that include you?” Brad heard himself ask.

Josie’s blonde head whipped around to face them, but Brad kept his eyes on Jillian.

“Of course,” she said lightly. “It’s the most wonderful place I can imagine. Anyone would be lucky to live in Trinity Falls.”

Her tone was so light he might have missed the depth of her meaning if not for the flash of emotion in her green eyes.

He felt an answering pull in his heart and he knew he had to talk to her, tonight, as soon as they got home. But he didn’t really want to wait that long, he wasn’t sure that he could.

“Jillian,” he began, his voice husky with emotion.

She blinked up at him with a dreamy look in her eyes.

“Next,” Santa’s elf yelled, breaking the delicate spell. “Let’s not keep Santa waiting.”

Jillian turned to Josie immediately.

“Ready?” she asked her.

“Definitely,” Josie said, her eyes shining as she took off and marched up the steps to Santa Claus.

Beside the setup for Santa was a big bouncy house that was made to look like a snow globe. Brad was a little surprised that Josie had wanted to see Santa first, when something so fun was right there .

“Do you think she still believes?” Jillian murmured to Brad as they watched her scramble up onto the good saint’s lap and begin whispering in his ear.

“Maybe she’s just hedging her bets,” Brad replied. “But this might be the last Christmas we get to see her like this, so I’m not complaining.”

“ Smile ,” the elf yelled.

They watched as Josie turned to the camera and smiled. Santa smiled too, but instead of looking at Josie or the camera, he was looking at Brad and Jillian.

“How about we get the whole family up here?” Santa suggested. “Come on up here.”

Jillian started to step back, and Brad instinctively grabbed her hand.

She glanced up at him, looking surprised.

“It’s not a family photo if you’re not in it,” he growled, tugging her hand and moving across the fake snow to Santa.

Jillian made a funny noise and he glanced back to see she was smiling, and looking like she was trying not to giggle.

“What’s so funny?” he demanded.

“I don’t know,” she said, her eyes still twinkly. “You’re just so… bossy.”

He was at a complete loss. Was that a bad thing? After all, he was her boss.

But before he could ask, the elf was pushing them up the steps and the next thing he knew, he was beside a smiling Saint Nick.

“We’ll put Josie back on my lap, and Mom on yours, Dad,” Santa said. “How about that? ”

“ Yes, ” Josie said before anyone could correct him. “That’s just right.”

Brad found himself sitting on the bench beside Santa, with Jillian perching awkwardly on his lap.

The light, fruity scent of her shampoo was almost dazzling.

“Arms around her,” the elf said briskly.

“You can sit back and relax,” he murmured into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her as respectfully as possible. “You’re light as a feather.”

She scooted back a little and let him have a little more of her weight as she snuggled into his arms.

Josie leaned sideways to get her head on Jillian’s shoulder and suddenly, Brad was fully surrounded by the people he loved most in the world.

“Say Merry Christmas ,” the elf yelled.

Josie did as she was told, but Brad just smiled, wishing this silly, heart-wrenching moment would never end.

A few hours later, the mall trip was behind them and he was pulling the SUV up the driveway into the Williams Homestead and heading down the gravel road to the cottage. There was still snow on the ground, and the frosted tree branches and warm glow of the windows of the big house, where his parents were probably fixing their pot of after-supper tea, all made him feel like he was living in an old-fashioned Christmas card.

Jillian had a peaceful, happy expression on her face as she gazed out the window. And in the back, it looked like Josie was about to doze off.

“Almost home,” he said, figuring that if she napped it would be cozier for her on the big, lumpy sofa, where he could keep an eye on her.

Or better yet, up in her room, so he could talk to Jillian alone.

His heart thundered at the thought. But he had never been a man to back down from what he wanted once he set his mind to it.

“Okay,” Josie said, yawning and stretching a little.

“Maybe you can curl up with a book when we get home,” he suggested.

“Yes,” she sighed contentedly. “I love our picture.”

She was clutching it to her chest in a way that made him worry it might be getting a little crumpled. But Brad didn’t even care. He loved the image of them all together too. And he secretly hoped that there might be plenty more where that came from.

Beside him, Jillian smiled, and it was such a beautiful, bittersweet look that he knew she didn’t want to leave them any more than he wanted her to go.

He felt the familiar clench of guilt in his gut.

I fired her, he reminded himself. She doesn’t really work for me now. It’s okay for me to feel this way about her. I don’t have to fight it anymore.

When they got in, Josie headed right upstairs.

“I’m going to get her set and then maybe you and I can chat for a sec?” he asked Jillian as lightly as he could.

“Yes,” she said, smiling up at him. “Of course. I’m not going anywhere. ”

That’s exactly what I’m hoping.

His heart felt like it was about to burst.

“I’ll be quick,” he told her.

He took the stairs two at a time, like he was a teenager again.

“Dad?” Josie said sleepily from her bed.

He glanced around the room, smiling at Josie’s side, which was overflowing with stuffed animals, and Jillian’s neat and tidy bed, with a stack of kids’ books on the nightstand, like she had been reading to Josie every night before bed, which he suspected was probably exactly what had been happening.

“I’m just going to chat with Jillian for a minute or two downstairs,” he told her. “Boring grown-up stuff, but stay up here long enough to read at least one chapter, okay?”

“Okay,” Josie said, paging through her book.

“One medium-sized chapter,” he amended, smiling at her treachery. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.”

“Just tell her you love her,” Josie said, without looking up from her book. “It shouldn’t be that hard.”

Brad was so astonished that he tried to clear his throat to buy himself a second and almost choked on his own tongue.

“Seriously, Dad?” Josie said, looking up. “Do you think I didn’t know? Go down there and make sure she doesn’t leave. If you wait too long, she’s going to think you don’t even like her.”

“I’m glad I have your blessing,” he managed, wondering when his inquisitive nine-year old had suddenly become a relationship guru.

Josie smiled at that .

“Of course you have my blessing,” she said.

“Is this what you asked Santa for?” he asked her, suddenly putting together what had happened after she whispered to him.

“I obviously can’t tell you what I asked Santa for,” Josie sniffed. “Or it won’t come true.”

Her nose was back in her book as she waved him away.

All he wanted was to sit on the edge of her bed and ask how she had grown up so fast, but he knew if he didn’t move now, he was going to lose his nerve. And he certainly couldn’t make Santa Claus look bad just because he was having a hard time understanding how his daughter had become so insightful.

When he reached the top of the steps, he took a deep breath. He had never been one for romantic speeches, so he opted not to plan what he was going to say. He knew it would ring truer if he just went with what was in his heart. And there was plenty there to draw from. He had been harboring these feelings for so many years.

As he headed down the stairs, he heard Jillian on the phone with someone, her voice serious. She definitely wasn’t talking to her sister or the baby, or even that friend of hers, Fiona.

This was almost a professional sort of voice she was using.

The Butlers, maybe?

But as he got closer to the bottom of the stairs, what he heard made him freeze in his tracks.

“So you do have room in the creative writing program?” she was asking, sounding incredulous. “Yes, of course. I wrote that this afternoon right before I submitted my application…. Oh. Oh, wow, thank you…. Yes. Yes, of course, I can start right after the holidays. I can’t believe this. Thank you, thank you so much.”

Brad didn’t dare to take another step, or even breathe for a moment as he listened to Jillian’s sigh of elation after hanging up the phone.

Now it all made sense.

She had been so lit up and happy all day today. But it wasn’t because of him or Josie. It was because she was writing again, and because she was applying to go back to school.

Leaning against the cool plaster of the staircase wall, Brad closed his eyes and swore he could feel his heart breaking.