37. A Rock in the Water

thirty-seven

A Rock in the Water

*FLORA*

I have been staring out into the night sky for I don’t know how long. I don’t even know how I returned home; I am just glad that Geneva was with me. She made sure I was alright, before she had to leave me again, while I made sure to push her to go and not to worry about me. In fact, I wanted to be alone for a while.

I can’t help the bitterness in me whenever I think about Dad. If only he never left, if only he returned when Grace told him to. He could have been with Grandma and me all this time. Who knows how different our lives would have been? I believe that every decision we make is like a rock we toss into the smooth surface of a lake. No matter how small it is, it always draws circles, makes waves and will influence everything in its way.

…Flora…

I frown when I hear the voice. That’s… “Mom?”

My heart makes a little leap at hearing her voice. I close my eyes, trying to force my mind and my raging emotions to calm down. I try to think of Grandma and how she smelled like, how she hugged me, and how she always had a smile for me. She was never impatient with me, never mean. She never yelled at me. I am sure I was exhausting sometimes, but she never showed it. She just showed me love and guided me through this difficult world.

I open my eyes again to see Ersa, or rather my mother, sitting next to me on a field of flowers. “You are getting very good at visiting on your own,” she says.

“I am getting used to it,” I admit. “But it’s still difficult.”

She takes my hand into hers. “With every time, it will get easier,” she promises.

Silence lingers around us for a while. “You watched me, didn’t you?” I ask quietly.

She nods, her fingers squeezing my hand slightly.

“Then you know what happened to Dad.”

“I wish I still had my powers,” she says. “But when I died, my connection to Gilbert got severed, and I could only watch him through my bond to you. If I still had my powers, I could have saved him. I could have found him and talked sense into him and made him return.”

“Could the Moon Goddess have helped you?” I ask.

“My mother?” Ersa looks at me thoughtfully. “It doesn’t work like that, unfortunately. I am just a small deity, but Selene is a major one. She plays a different role in this universe. She can’t constantly involve herself in her shifter’s fate.”

“But she chooses our mates,” I say. “How is that different? And there are prophecies! In fact, I am part of one.” I frown. “Okay, prophecies are rare, but they exist. Mates, however, they are a huge constant in our existence. Besides, there are blessed wolves, our gifts…”

Mom looks thoughtful. “You are right. She already involves herself enough the way she does. But your gifts, and your mate’s, are all just options you have. What you do with them is on you. It’s a chance her shifters have, but they need to make the decisions themselves.”

“Like tools?”

“Yes, I like that comparison. And sometimes, the mates she sends your way will prove to be more of a test or lead you a certain path, but you still have a choice. But you are right, she is already very much involved with your fates. It’s exactly the reason she can’t involve herself anymore. As for me-” she pauses. “I can’t just use her powers for my personal gain. And why should she only help me? What with all the other shifters who’d need her? How can we decide who to help? Who is worth being sought out? If a major deity intervenes in the fate of the humans all the time, it will always have an effect, and mostly not just a positive one.”

“Like a stone being tossed into a lake,” I mutter.

“Yes,” she says quietly.

“But you said she helped you with giving birth to me,” I point out.

“You are our flesh and blood,” she explains. “And part deity. It’s different.” She puts her hand on her chest. “Saving Gilbert was my task and I failed it, and him.”

“I don’t think you failed him,” I say quietly. “I think no one failed. You couldn’t save him because your mortal body died, and Dad left because he couldn’t bear the loss. But he wanted to return.”

“Yes, let’s cling to the knowledge that we now know he was about to return to our family,” Mom says. I try to read her expression as she is saying these words. She looks thoughtful but mostly sad.

“How did you meet him?” I ask.

“I was lonely,” she says. “Very lonely, and I was living among the humans at that time, mostly out of boredom.”

“And you fell in love?”

She chuckles. “He was my mate.”

“What?” I exclaim. “I thought he was your chosen mate.”

“Everyone who knows about us believes that,” she says. “But to you, I will tell the truth. He was my mate. Selene wanted to gift me a mate like she gifts all her creatures one. I might not be a shifter, but I am one of her children.” She smiles. “I really loved him. He was a bit clumsy and constantly wanted to prove to me how manly and strong he was.”

I giggle. “No way.”

“Yes,” she chuckles. “He was trying to look so tough, but truth is, he was just genuinely kind, and he was fun. He could make me laugh for hours. He was a good man. Part of me is glad that I have the proof for it now. I might have lost my faith in him for a while, but he restored it.”

“I feel sad because I never met him,” I admit. “It might sound stupid saying that. Mourning him seems to be so silly.”

“It’s not,” she reassures me. “He was part of you, and he was part of Hazel.”

“I don’t know what to do with these feelings,” I admit. “I feel so angry.”

“It’s alright to feel all the emotions you do,” she assures me. “Allow yourself to feel them. You are not wrong for feeling sad and angry, and for mourning your father. But make sure not to live in the past, and instead walk into the future. For us deities, it’s important to always move forward and not linger too much on what could have been.”

“But how can I do that?”

She smiles at me. “Don’t you have a mate who loves you?”

“Yes,” I say, my chest warming instantly at the thought of Elden.

“He is waiting for you,” she says, still looking at me. The sight in front of me gets blurred. I feel like I am watching her through the surface of the water.

He is waiting for me…

I startle awake, instantly noticing the arms that are wrapped around me. His scent fills my lungs. He is waiting for me; he will always be waiting for me. No matter how grim the past and present feels, as long as Elden is with me, I know I will be alright.

I am in my bed, nestled against him. He must have carried me here.

“Hey,” I say softly, touching his arm.

“You are awake,” he mumbles tiredly.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“No, I was just dozing off.” Elden doesn’t say anything for a while, then, “I am so sorry for your loss.”

“It’s… it’s okay,” I say, pausing and shaking my head. “Not really, but I will come to terms with it.” I reluctantly get up to grab my backpack, and show him the journal Grace gave me. “It’s true that he wanted to return. It’s also true that he was losing his sanity. It’s all in there.”

“He loved you,” Elden says. “He wanted to return to you, and I think that’s certainly worth something.”

“I am glad he wanted to return, but sad that I never met him,” I pause. “But I have his journal, and I know he loved me.”

“That’s what helped me when Mom passed away,” Elden says. “I knew she loved me. Despite all my complicated feelings towards her death, I do think that her love was real.”

I hug the journal, nodding thoughtfully. My birthday is going to be in a couple of days, and I never expected to celebrate it without family, without my steady constant. “Grandma wanted to make my birthday dinner for me,” I say quietly.

“Her infamous meatloaf,” Elden says.

“Exactly.”

“I have been thinking, and maybe it’s a stupid idea. Tell me if it is, it’s honestly just an idea. But how about Jace and I do it? We will cook for you and Janice.”

I turn to look at him. “What?”

“Hazel showed me the recipe a couple of weeks ago. She wanted me to know how to make your favorite dish,” Elden explains. “I don’t want to take over her role or sully her memory but-“

“You would really do that?” I exclaim.

“You don’t hate the idea?”

“No! I love it!”

“Then Jace and I will do it,” he says, his face lighting up a bit. “For your birthday, I originally wanted to surprise you with a party, but now-“

“Now I don’t want it,” I say honestly. “Seriously, Elden. Grandma is not here, and this is my first birthday without any family. I want to celebrate with you and our friends, just a private little gathering, just us.”

“Alright, I will plan something fun for us,” Elden promises.

“The night before my birthday, you will spend with me, won’t you?” I ask. “The moment I turn eighteen, I want you to be with me.”

“There is no way I would miss that. I can’t wait for the mate bond to be there fully and to be closer to you than ever.”

And I can’t wait for him to fuck and mark me, but I don’t say it out loud. His version sounds a lot more romantic.

I am not sure how Elden did it, but during the next couple of days I am barely alone. Either he is with me, or Emilia and Geneva tug me along, keeping me distracted or – and the best part – Janice is spending time with me. She is so composed and calm, but also such a pleasure to have around. She is really turning into such a valuable friend.

With Janice’s help I make a little memorial shrine for my parents and for Grandma. There is not much I know about Dad, just the little Mom and Grandma told me, and unfortunately, I can’t turn back time to change that. So, I have to work with the little I know.

“I wonder if I will ever find a gamma,” I muse.

Janice chuckles. “Where is that coming from all of a sudden?”

“It’s something I have been thinking about for a long time. Elden met Vincent, and it was fate. Clearly fate. I saw how they clicked instantly, and I have never seen Elden like that with anyone aside from Jace, maybe. And Calvin, well, Calv is there.”

Janice snorts. “You are really not his biggest fan, are you?”

“Nah, that’s not it. I don’t mind him. His work is valuable and he is really a good support to Elden, and Goddess knows we will need all the help we can get once we take over the pack, but I just don’t click with him. Is that bad?”

“No, he is Elden’s beta. It’s okay if he isn’t your person.”

“The thing is, how will I ever know who to trust?” I ask.

“I believe the moment you meet your person, you will know,” Janice says. “Like Elden instantly knew that he could trust Vincent.”

“I just feel so much pressure,” I admit, “because I still haven’t found someone.”

“So what?” Janice shrugs. “Once you are luna, you do things your way. I am sure the former gamma will help you, if needed.”

“Hm,” I hum. She is right. Tobias was very loyal to Elden’s mom, and he seems to have kept that loyalty to Elden. I guess he would be a good option until I find my actual gamma, but I am not sure if I want to force him to stick around for so long.

“So, are you ready for your birthday?” Janice asks.

I grin at her words. “Not beating around the bush, are you?”

Janice blinks before her cheeks flush. “I wasn’t asking about that, Flora!”

“Oh, I am so ready,” I exclaim. “I can’t wait to jump Elden’s bones. He is fine! I saw him naked plenty of times, and-“

“Yeah, thank you,” Janice groans.

“I want him to mark me when I turn eighteen,” I say.

“Really, you are ready?”

I can only smile at her words. “I have been ready for a long time, Janice. We just both need our wolves to be at full strength and to be eighteen to be able to mark each other. But I have known that Elden is my mate for so long that there is no life I can imagine without him.”

“Must be beautiful to love someone so much,” she says quietly.

“What about you?” I ask. “Is there someone you like?”

Janice stays quiet. “I know what you are hinting at. But it has no future.”

“Why not?”

“Because a girl like me is no match for an alpha.”

“Don’t be silly,” I say. “This coming from you out of all? Come on, Janice. What are you truly scared of?”

“I don’t know… that he won’t want me. That we won’t be mates,” she admits. “And his mother is a true fury.”

“We can get rid of his mom,” I say, making her chuckle.

“I don’t think it will be that simple.”

“Okay, so that part will be difficult, but you can still have feelings for him, and he can have feelings for you. If it’s mutual, then you just wait for him to be ready to take over as alpha, and then not give a shit about what his parents say.”

Janice frowns. “We might not be mates.”

“And if you are?”

She sighs. “I am so scared, Flora. His parents are in a whole different league. I don’t know what they would do if they knew he and I would… you know…” Janice takes a deep breath. “But you know what? One step after another!”

There is more I want to say to her. I want to encourage her and tell her I could help her if she wanted, but there is so much finality in her words that I can only respect her wish not to talk about it anymore instead of probing further.