Chapter 34

34

28 years old - Nick

T he bathroom is filled with steam, and the tension in my body disappears. If I am being honest with myself, the tension started to disappear when Lily spoke on the balcony. I'm still not used to seeing her being like this. I used to have to coax the discussion out of her, bruising my ego every time I did. If only she were this open with me when everything went down, we might have had a fighting chance.

I dry my hair roughly with a towel before wrapping it around my waist. Covered only from the waist down with goosebumps all over my back, I open the door to find Lily sitting on the couch. Her eyes scan my body quickly before going up again and meeting mine.

"Can't sleep?" I ask her while walking in the direction of my room. I start putting on my boxers and a pair of sweatpants in the corner of the room so that she can't see me, but I keep the door open so I can hear her response. Although it seems like she liked what she saw.

"Yeah. My feet hurt from all the blisters. My neck and shoulders as well. I probably slept wrong when I took that power nap on the train." She has her feet up on the sofa like before, propped on top of a pillow now. Her long hair is in a messy bun and her makeup is all gone. When I come out of my room, she holds up the novel that she's reading to show it to me. "I'm just waiting for the painkiller to kick in. You can go to sleep if you're tired."

"Nah," I answer her. "I'm not tired yet." I'm fucking spent.

Lily puts her feet down to make space for me, but I pull them back up once I am seated. Old habits die hard, I guess, because I start massaging her soles. Lily observes me silently from behind her book, her body stiffening at the pressure of my thumb.

I do the next stroke slower, gentler, and I feel her body relaxing a little at the change of intensity. Huh. "Do you always panic when men touch you nowadays?"

Her cheeks redden. "Most of the men I went on dates with didn't massage my feet."

"I'm not most men," I say in a low voice jokingly, not sure what I'm trying to achieve by saying that.

My hands continue working on her feet, gently moving along her ankles. I rub softly, making sure I don't irritate the blisters further. The panic on Lily's face is now mostly gone, but she's still picking on her cuticles. "You can tell me to stop anytime. I'll stop."

Lily doesn't say anything, so I don't, either. I stand up and go to the other end of the sofa, telling her to move over. Putting one leg up, sandwiching it between the backrest and Lily's body, I pull her back closer to me and start to massage her shoulders, catching a glimpse of her cleavage and the purple bra she's wearing.

"What are you doing, Nick?"

"I don't know, Lil." By the way we are positioned, I know she feels my growing bulge on her lower back. "Shit, I'm sorry," I tell her, pulling my hand off her. "I'm all over the place."

Lily turns around, her face now facing me. Mixed with the panic, I see something else burning in her eyes. Her fingers start doing their thing again, and I hold both hands in mine. "Stop doing this, Lil," I tell her gently. "I won't touch you like that again."

She fidgets in her position, hesitating before she finally speaks. "I'm not nervous because I don't want you to touch me, Nick," she whispers. "I'm nervous because I do."

"I don't want to hurt you." My throbbing dick, my heart, and my brain all have conflicting thoughts. Thoughts that don't align. I swallow a groan in an attempt to silence them all.

Even though she's trying her best to overcome whatever mental obstacle is in her head, her fear can be sensed from a mile away. My heart breaks for her, knowing that fucking bastard did this to her. Lily spent the last ten years not being with anybody, her fight, flight, or freeze response kicking in every time a man wants to have her. If there was one thing that she was always secure about, despite Astrid's chipping away her confidence bit by bit over the years, it was sex. And Logan fucking took that away from her.

I put my hand on her cheek and caress it softly. "Lily, I'm not going to have sex with you tonight," I admit to her. As much as my body wishes otherwise, she's not ready. She looks like a goddamn deer in headlights. Lily avoids my eyes and stands to leave, probably feeling somewhat rejected. "It's not that I don't want to, because I do. I mean, check this out." I point at my crotch, showing her how embarrassingly excited I am at the thought of being inside her. She giggles as she shakes her head and brings one hand to her forehead, the other resting on her stomach.

I take her hand in mine, my face somewhat pink, preparing for what I'm about to say. "If you want though, I can touch you." I kiss the wounds near her nails one by one. "We don't have to have sex. We don't have to do anything that makes you scared. And only if you want to."

"I don't like it that he did this to you," I whisper to her, putting our foreheads together. "I don't like that you spent the last ten years not being intimate with anyone. As much as it hurts me to imagine you being with someone else, I would rather have that." I stop myself from speaking further, the last sentence surprising even myself.

Lily looks at me with a small smile on her face. She puts her arms around my waist and leans her head on my chest. "I think I would like that," she says calmly. Lily stands up and starts walking toward my bedroom, her gaze never leaving me. I follow her and close the door, trapping all the electricity and warmth buzzing around us in this enclosed space.

Both of us now lay under the black covers, her clothes all on the floor and me still wearing the boxers and sweatpants that I had on before. I prop my head up with my hand so that I can get a good look at Lily with the help of the dimly lit night lamp next to the bed. My other hand slowly trails along her jawline, my fingers feeling the structure of her bones.

Her eyes are still the same eyes that I wanted so desperately to like me back when we were kids. She is still the same person that I wanted to spend every day with after school. And her smile is still the same smile that was able to make my day instantly better. My heart burns knowing my feelings for her are still just as intense as they were before.

My fingers move down to her neck. I grip the side of it gently, feeling her body momentarily tensing before relaxing again once I start drawing circles with my thumb on her throat. "Is this okay?" I ask. She nods. I plant a soft kiss on her lips while my hand trails down to her breasts.

Her body turns wooden the moment I slide my tongue into her mouth and I stop.

"It's okay, Nick," she whispers. "Sorry. It's fine."

"Which part didn't you like?" I ask her, not buying her bullshit.

"I, umm, Logan forced his tongue down on me," she confesses. "When it happened. That's how it started. He pinned me down and forced his tongue down on me." Her cheeks turn red from admitting this. I grit my teeth, trying to dissipate the anger that bubbles inside my stomach.

I continue caressing her breasts, massaging her nipples one by one, and her body slowly relaxes again. "If you don't like my tongue inside of your mouth, then I won't put my tongue inside your mouth." Lily nods.

Her body starts getting restless the more I play with her breasts, her legs moving left and right every time I suck on her nipples. She's enjoying this. Fuck, I am too. A little too much . My hand goes down between her thighs and caresses them. I slowly slide two fingers inside her, feeling how wet she is. I thrust them in and out of her gently and Lily whimpers. The moment I take them out, wanting to massage her clit with her wetness, that's when I see it. Her left index finger and thumb are rubbing each other in panic. My eyes trail upwards to find hers closed shut.

"What about this don't you like? Tell me," I ask, tucking in her hair behind her ear.

She opens her eyes, and again, shame fills them. "Can you just go back to my breasts?" Her words are barely audible. "I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet."

I nod and assume the position we were in before—my head propped up with one hand while the other one slowly touches her nipples. Soon enough, her breathing starts getting heavier again.

"Hey, Lil," I say carefully, trying not to ruin the mood. "Do you touch yourself sometimes?"

"No," she answers. "I don't. I tried a few times, but my mind always drifts away to that night." I digest her words and guilt courses through my body. I know she brushed me off and rejected me after the rape, but we had sex again when I surprised her with the tent in my living room. How did I not realize that she was probably panicking? We fucked that day and Lily can't even get herself off without shutting down right now. She must have forced herself to do it. For me.

"Lily, do you feel comfortable with me?" She nods. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"I want you to help me out, okay?" I tell her. I lean my back on the headboard, assuming a sitting position and placing her naked body in front of me, ignoring the painful erection inside my pants. My hands reach for her breasts from the side. When I start massaging both nipples simultaneously, Lily starts panting.

I kiss her shoulder softly. "Are you still enjoying yourself?" I ask, feeling my breaths bounce from her skin. She nods. "I'm going to continue touching you like this and I want you to pleasure yourself." She turns her head to me, looking unsure. "I'll be here with you, Lil. I'm not going anywhere. If your mind starts to go back to that night, just tell me. I'm right here."

Lily slowly slides her right hand down. Just like me before, she takes a bit of the wetness from inside her and starts rubbing herself. She continues for a short time until her shoulders stiffen up.

"Hey." I kiss the hair on top of her head. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to stop, Nick," she whispers. "I really want to do this."

I slowly resume touching her nipples, circling my index fingers around them. "You're safe. I promise. It's just me." Lily nods again and her right shoulder starts moving up and down, telling me she's touching herself again.

Her moans get louder once she has found her rhythm, her back curving in pleasure. "Nick," she mumbles.

"I'm here," I say with my face on her neck, my hands still helping her enjoy this moment. "I'm here with you, babe."

"Nick…I…Nick, I'm close." She tilts her head back, and her mouth reaches for mine, sucking my bottom lip. I let out a groan, but quickly get myself together. This isn't about me, it's about her.

Her movements are now rougher, and her breathing is erratic. Lily tilts her head back and calls out my name, her body tensing before releasing all the pent-up pressure that has built up. Although my body didn't receive any pleasure from this, it's as if I'm reaching another kind of climax alongside her.

She pulls the sheets to cover herself as she calms down. With her still sitting in front of me, I hold her close to my chest. Lily can't see it, but a big smile forms on my face. Doing this for her, with her, gave me more satisfaction than having meaningless sex with nameless, faceless women.