Chapter 33

33

28 years old - Lily

" S o that was fun," I say, my hands turning on the main light switch. The warm light illuminates the apartment's open living space, creating an ambiance perfect for lounging after strolling around the streets of downtown Frankfurt.

I take my heeled Chelsea boots off and toss them to the side, gunning directly for the couch, putting my legs up on the seat. A hiss escapes my mouth as my fingers touch the blisters on my ankles. I should have known better than to switch the sneakers I wore the whole day for heels to wear to dinner, but Nick and Paul wanted to go to a dive bar afterwards and I didn't really want to go home. Nick looked so happy today getting to know Paul better, so different from last night. I loved seeing him like that.

Nick watches me while he fills two glasses with tap water. "Paul is cool," he admits.

Nick's demeanor completely transformed when Paul told us he was going to ditch us at some point tonight to go on a date with a guy he swiped right on a dating app. The standoff-ish vibe turned into banter.

"He's the best," I tell Nick. "Birdie really loves him. She's always asking me when we can invite Paul over."

Nick sits on the area where my feet are lying, pulling them onto his lap. He notices the blister and his face grimaces for a second. "You should have told us your feet were hurting."

I shrug. "Girl problems."

Nick fans his left arm along the sofa's armrest, positioning his body at an angle so he's facing me. I swallow the ball in my throat. He's giving me the look. The look that warns me he's about to ask a serious question or make a move. Please, God, don't let him continue the story of him plowing through the female population after I broke up with him . Ever since I've told him I haven't had sex for ridiculously long, he has been politely keeping his distance, only sticking to hello and goodbye hugs. I wonder if he's freaked out by it. Disgusted, maybe. It's funny how our lives couldn't be more different after graduation: I became a nun and he replaced me with a multitude of girls at record speed. Without me controlling my actions, my thumbs meet each other and one starts rubbing the other with its nail.

"Why did you tell Paul that I was an old friend?" This is only slightly better than him continuing the story of him plowing through the female population after I broke up with him.

I take my time to answer, formulating the perfect response—knowing well the wrong answer can break his spirit in a matter of minutes.

"Nobody knows," I start. "Most people just think Bryce moved here for his master's, and at some point, his sister followed along, not realizing she was pregnant by then. Bryce told people Birdie's dad was some guy from high school and we had to stick with it. It's better this way."

Nick's jaw hardens, but he nods. "If you had told him about me, your story wouldn't have added up."

"I guess this is the one thing left I haven't been able to be direct about yet. The rape." My words are accompanied by a nervous laugh. When Nick just looks at me and doesn't respond, I elaborate. "I wasn't trying to hide the fact that we used to be together. In fact, sometimes I wish I could tell people about that or other happy things that happened to me in Elsham Cove. But I don't know how to do that without admitting that Birdie didn't come from a place of love. I am not ready for that, and I don't think she's ready for that, either. I'm afraid if I tell anybody the truth, words will come back to Birdie. And don't get me started on Bryce. He still can't mention Logan's name without getting angry—like storming off and coming back two days later, angry."

"I also don't tell my new friends about you," he admits quietly, focusing on my ankles instead of my face. "In college, I used to tell people the watered-down version of who you were and what happened between us. But when I started working and nobody really asked about high school anymore, I stopped telling people the most interesting thing about me."

"The most interesting thing about you, Nicholas Johnson, is that you managed to bang an entire cheerleading squad," I joke.

Nick chuckles and rakes his hair with his fingers. "I just wanted to make Taylor proud."

"How is he, anyway? Are Tabitha and Taylor still together?"

Nick leans forward to get his glass and drinks from it. He thinks to himself for a moment, both of his forearms resting on top of my legs. "I wouldn't know," he finally admits. "We lost contact at some point."

"Oh?" I look at him wide-eyed, trying my best to dampen my curiosity. He spots it.

"Things got a bit intense. I guess I was a bad influence on them and they cut me off." He lets out a quick, forced laugh, but there is no humor in the sounds that come out from between his lips. "Anyway, I don't want to talk about it right now. I thought I was ready to share it with you, but I'm not. Is that okay? It's more of the same story, anyway."

"Why?" I ask him curiously.

His gentle eyes bore into mine as he caresses my Achilles heel with his middle finger innocently, sending a warm sensation under my belly; something I haven't felt in a long time. Not until after we kissed in his hotel room.

"I don't want you to know me like that. You'd cut me off again in a heartbeat."

"You don't have to be ashamed of anything you did, Nick. I understand if you needed to flush me out of your system."

A bitter smile forms on his face. "Well, well, well. Funny what ten years could do, huh? Now I'm the avoidant one and you're the feelings junkie."

"Try having a kid," I say. "Forget therapy. The amount of whys and hows that I had to answer when she was a toddler seriously improved my communication skills."

"And going no-contact with your mom, probably."

Nick stops himself from speaking further, realizing what he just said. I give him a reassuring smile, signaling that I'm okay with his comment. "Probably more that than having a kid, yeah."

Nick pauses. "I missed so much of your life, Lil."

"Hey, don't s?—"

"I bet you're a great mom." His mouth quirks into another smile. Just like the last one, this one isn't a happy one, either. "And Paul clearly thinks you're great at your job, so I bet you're great at that, too. You built this awesome life here. You rebuilt yourself after something horrible happened to you. I just wasted mine away, being angry at something that I concocted in my own head. And now you're perfect, and your life is perfect, and I don't know where I could fit myself in it."

"Nick," I murmur. That's all I can manage to say. What do I say to that?

"I used to always know where I belonged in your life. And now…now I don't think I belong in it, not really. I'm a mess and you're living this grown-up life. You don't need me anymore." Nick stands up and puts my legs back down on the sofa. He turns his face toward me, giving me another unhappy smile. "Maybe you got it right when you explained it to Paul. I'm an old friend. Maybe that's my place in your life…Sorry," he blurts out. "I shouldn't have said that. This trip has been really fucking confusing for me."

My whole body feels weak and my head feels dizzy with his words. The sleeping around, the brooding, Nick feeling so small…I did this to him.

"Nick," I call out as he slides open the balcony door and stands outside. I follow him, hugging myself against the cold air. "I'm sorry. You gave me everything when we were younger. You loved me with everything you had, and I'm sorry I made you feel like I just threw you away."

I touch his forearm, knowing that it is me who needs to comfort him this time. To do what he has done to me so many times in our lives before. I know this pushing-away trick; I used to be the master of it.

"You will always have a place in my life, Nick."

"I don't know if I should." His voice is so soft that I barely hear it with all the cars bustling on the street below us. "I'm not proud of who I've become. It might have started when you skipped town, but I'm responsible for how my life turned out afterward."

I step closer to him so that we are next to each other, our arms touching. "Whatever you think is so bad, I don't need to hear it. I understand." And I really do. I understand his shame. I understand his regret. And now, I finally understand how he felt every time I pushed him away all those years ago.

Lifting my heels off the ground, I kiss his cheek. He looks at me, puzzled. "You know," I say, pulling my lips away, "you always looked at me like I could do no wrong, despite all my flaws. Actually, you still look at me like that. You don't think what happened to me turned me into anything less than that. And I want you to know once you're ready to tell me, I also won't look at you differently. You'll still be perfect to me."

"You always were so obsessed with me, weren't you? Idolizing me to a fault," Nick jokes. "Such a little creep." He lets out a genuine laugh and pulls me closer to him, his arms wrapped around my shoulder.