29. WILLOW

It all makes sense now.

The way Dean’s never once flinched away from anything that should have hurt him. When I stitched him up it was like it was nothing, because it was.

The man that’s made me both cry and come from the pain he’s inflicted on me can’t feel it for himself.

“You could have told me, you know? I would have understood.”

Dean leans his head back onto the pillows and sighs. “And have you think of me like I’m some sort of monster? A freak. You going to tell me how fucked up I am now?”

I stare at him, my mouth hanging open as I try to figure him out. Why would he think that?

My heart aches for him and everything he must have been through. I want to wrap my arms around him and make us both feel good in the only way we seem to know how but I hold my own and keep my hands on my lap.

Whether my feelings for him are real or he’s just conditioned me to need him doesn’t matter but some new boundaries do.

I don’t want him to feel guilty about not telling me. It’s something that’s clearly affected him so deeply for his entire life so of course he couldn’t just outright bring himself to tell me. Especially not if he thought I”d think of him that way. But, still, it’s not right for him to have expected me to accept him without knowing who he really is.

“No. of course not. You’re not fucked up, Dean. You’ve done some messed up things but I’ve managed to accept all of you so far. Who made you believe that about yourself?”

“Everyone.”He stares straight ahead. His jaw clenched tight and a darkness in his eyes that leaves me feeling cold.

The bits and pieces he’s told me about himself start to fall into place as I watch him struggling to keep his inner pain contained right in front of me.

Dean may not feel physical pain but I can see so much hurt lingering under the surface.

A lot of people have hurt him including himself and me. Some of it he’s deserved but I doubt all of it. He’s been made to believe he’s not worthy of being cared for and I’m probably a fool to think I can be the first one to show him that everyone deserves compassion but I feel it so deep in my core that he needs me. That I’m the one to show him what it feels like to be loved.

There’s so much he’s not telling me and I can’t push him too much now but I will show him the good in himself. I’ve seen it already in the way he cares for me and the guilt that was in his eyes when I shut down.

“Whoever told you that, told a child that, is wrong. Have you never been able to feel any—“

“Don’t say that! Don’t twist it so I’m some uncaring monster that feels nothing and is so easy to hate.” Dean grabs my throat and applies enough pressure to show me who’s in charge here but I don’t cower.

I’m not scared anymore.

Wrapping my hand over his, I make him hold me tighter and his fingers flex like he’s trying to resist the urge to choke me until I pass out and drag me back to his cave like the primal beast he is.

“I’m not trying to hurt you, Dean. I just want to understand.”

He starts to calm down and he leans his forehead against mine but doesn’t remove his hand. I don’t think I want him to.

Those hours I spent next to him, as I waited for him to wake up, hurt worse than anything he’s put me through before.

It was like the connection that’s grown between us was frayed and about to snap at any moment. Feeling Dean so close to me now, with the security of his hand around my neck, strengthens that bond and I’m not about to let it go again.

“Were you born with your condition?” I ask, thinking the beginning is a good enough place to start.

He lies back down and pulls me with him so I’m lying on his chest. I shift my hips so my weight is on the other side to his injury. The sound of Dean’s heartbeat so close to mine fills me with a warm sense of belonging that I never want to lose again.

As I wait for him to speak he slides his hand over my hair and everything starts to melt away.

He’s safe, alive, and I’m here in his arms exactly where I need to be.

“Yeah,” he finally says. “I was about four when my parents decided they didn’t want me. That I was too much for them to look after because there was something wrong with me. I don’t remember much of them but I remember that word. Wrong.”

God, he was just a child, a baby and they told him that?

“Did you ever try to find them?” I ask, suddenly feeling angry for him.

“Yeah, but they were already dead by the time I found them. My father had a heart attack in his late fifties and a few years later my mother killed herself. Rather than try to find the son she lost, she offed herself.” He sounds resigned, like he’s disappointed in their deaths rather than upset by them.

“Do you think you would have killed them if you had the chance?” I’ve started to realize what killing means to him. He says he does it because it’s easy but I know now there’s a need in him to do it, to end a life and show the world how it’s wronged him.

“I’m not sure.”

When I think of my own Dad I wonder what I’d do if I saw him again. I try not to think of that because if he ever comes back into my life then that means I ultimately failed in what I set out to do.

There’s no love left there, he destroyed that a long time ago. But would I wish him dead? I’m not sure either. Just a few weeks ago I would have said of course not, no one deserves to die but my perspective on good and evil has shifted drastically under Dean’s influence.

“You need to be more careful,” I say and when I look up at him his eyes are barely open but he’s smiling at me. He looks exhausted, even if he doesn’t have to deal with the pain from his injury his body must still be feeling the fatigue as it heals.

I’ve never seen him look so vulnerable before but lucky for him, he’s got me to look out for him now.

“Oh yeah, why’s that?” He tips my chin up and I kiss him making him moan against my mouth. My pussy clenches at the sound but this is really not the time for that.

It terrifies me thinking how much I need him.

If he’s not careful he really could get himself killed. I used to think I was only scared that he wouldn’t come back and I’d die trapped alone in his house but now I know it’s him.

I can’t bear the thought of losing him.

“Please, don’t leave me,” I say quietly, putting all my vulnerabilities on the table.

He smiles at me and whispers, “never.”

As he starts to fall asleep I sigh, contentedly and cuddle closer into him. I want to tell him exactly how much he means to me but I guess I have forever to tell him how I feel now.