28. DEAN

Before I even open my eyes, I know exactly where I am.

The beeping of machines and the sterile smell are all too familiar.

How did I get here this time?

My brain’s foggy as I try to remember what happened. I was with Bones, there were gunshots but then I went home so the job must have gone down fine. No something else happened, we found a girl that wasn’t supposed to be in the house and Bones took her home. Then I left and drove home to Willow. I was exhausted and—

Willow.

My eyes shoot open.

I need to get to her. Make sure she's still home. That she's safe. That no one's has taken her. She could have easily run the first chance she got.

Fuck.

I need to get out of here now.

I’m about to rip the IV tube and the rest of the wires out of my skin when I see a blanket of soft brown hair next to me on the bed.

My hand trembles as I reach for her.

Willow is here in the hospital with me.

My brain can’t piece it together.

Why is she here? Why didn’t she run?

She chose to help me rather than leave me.

I’m reluctant to wake her but I can’t stop myself from touching her and making sure she’s real, not some drug-fuelled hallucination. The soft strands of her hair fall through my fingers as I run my hands through them. She makes a tiny noise that makes my heart swell and her head turns my way. Her face is pale yet blushed with red like she’s been crying recently.

How many tears has she shed because of me by now?

Remorse tugs at my chest. I’ve put her through so much and she’s still here. I don’t deserve that but I’m damn well taking it.

The heart monitor picks up next to me and I pull the hospital gown I’ve been put in down so I can stop the incessant beeping. I tear the electrodes off my chest and yank the machine closer so I can turn it off.

“Dean?” Willow”s head snaps up and she grabs my arms. “What are you doing? You need that! Just lie back down!”

“Willow, baby, this isn’t my first rodeo. I don’t need any of this. Just let me get out of bed and we can get home.” My heart’s racing and sweat wets my palms.

I need to get her home, now. The longer Willow’s out in the open the more risk I have of losing her. I can’t lose her.

“Dean, you’re not going anywhere.” She pushes down on my chest with her palms, I grab her wrists hard making her gasp in pain and I quickly let go.

“Shit. I’m so sorry, baby.” Then I realize she might also have been hurt. That should have been the first thing on my mind not trying to come up with a plan to get her back to my house to lock her up with me for good. “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine. You were shot, Dean. I thought…I thought you were dead.” Tears shine in her eyes and I feel more guilt than I know how to handle. She tries to push me down and I let her. But when she turns to leave I grab her, gentler this time but still with enough force to pull her chest down onto mine.

“Don’t even think about leaving this room,” I say, one hand grabbing the back of her neck, pinning her to me.

“I was just going to get a nurse. Did you not hear me? You could have died!”

“I want you where I can see you at all times, Willow.”

She scowls at me but I don’t care if I sound like an obsessed asshole because that’s exactly what I am.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad…,” I trail off as she looks up at me, her cheek resting against my chest. I grab her shoulders and pull her up so she can lie down comfortably next to me.

“Mind your stitches,” she mumbles.

Stitches? Shit. Maybe it was that bad then.

It must have really scared her.

Not knowing what to do with the feelings in me, I hold her tighter.

“I’m so sorry, baby.”

She doesn’t say anything and I feel like I’m losing her.

No, please not again.

We’re out in the real world, not locked up in the safe confines of my house. If she wants to, she could run. Of course, I won’t let her. I wouldn’t hesitate to chase her down and drag her back home kicking and screaming but there are just so many things out of my control here.

“What happened?” I ask her and she tells me about how I was passed out in the front door, bleeding out, that she called Bones and stayed with me in the ambulance to the hospital. I make sure she gives me every detail of what she went through to save me. Not for some egotistical need but to help me figure out why exactly she's here.

Some of the anxiety leaves my chest as I hear Bones was involved. He would have made sure I was seen by our acquaintance here in the hospital and not just anyone. Dr. Luka Vincent is an upstanding citizen and well liked by everyone in this hospital but he also works for the unsavory types, fixing them up when their injuries mean they can’t come to a hospital. He’s made plenty of house visits for me in the past.

“Wait, say that part again.” I grip her chin, my eyes continuously raking over all of her, making sure she’s still here, still safe.

Her cheeks heat up and she looks at my lips as she bites her own. “I told the paramedics I was your wife.”

Fuck, I love the sound of that. Wife. A wide, predatory grin spreads on my face.

I hadn’t contemplated marriage before. Didn’t think it would be an option, but now that I hear that word, wife, I can’t get enough.

Willow will be mine in every possible way.

“It was just to make sure I could come with you! it doesn’t mean anything.”

But it means everything. She may roll her eyes but I see the way she’s biting her cheek trying to hide her own smile. She likes the thought of being my wife just as much as I do.

“You did all of that for me, Willow.” She could have left me to die or ran once I was taken to hospital. But she stayed. For me. With me.

She buries her face into my neck and inhales deeply. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Maybe I did die, because this certainly feels like heaven.

We lie in silence and honestly, I’m just happy to be holding her. But I don’t think I’ll be able to relax until we’re back home.

“I really thought I’d lost you,” Willow says so quietly I only just catch what she said.

“I know,” I say and she looks up at me, her face covered in streaks of old and new tears. I wipe my thumb over each cheek and kiss her.

Her lips tremble against mine and she barely kisses me back. I want to ask her what’s wrong but I’m not sure if I want the answer. What if she tells me she wants to leave, that she was just doing the right thing getting me to the hospital and now she’s about to tell me goodbye.

Not happening.

Before I can say anything the door opens and Bones walks in followed by Luka. Willow tries to climb off the bed but I pull her back holding her tight to my side.

“Don’t you dare move,” I say, so only she can hear, my voice is rough and comes out harsher than intended but the shiver I feel running up her body makes me think she likes the commanding tone.

“Wow, you look like shit!” Bones says with a grimace.

“And I thought Luka’s bedside manner was bad,” I say with a weak laugh.

“Only for you two,” Luka says as he looks at the chart at the foot of the bed. “The rest of my patients don’t piss me off like the pair of you do.” When he looks up his eyes dart to Willow and she tenses under his gaze.

“Bones, Luka meet Willow. My wife,” I say smugly and she doesn’t correct me. Bones raises an amused eyebrow as he looks at us both together, approval filling his gaze. “Willow, I’m sure Bones has more than introduced himself to you,” I say sourly, glaring at his wolfish grin. “He’s a good friend even though he’s a smug asshole and Luka—.”

“Is glad he wasn’t invited to the wedding,” Luka cuts me off with zero humor in his tone. When we do actually get married I’ll make sure to invite him to the ceremony just to piss him off some more. “Willow, your name’s been the talk of the entire ward. I’m not sure I really want to know why Dean would carve himself up like that but to each their own,” he finishes with a dip of his shoulders.

“You should see hers, I put a lot more effort into it than I did mine. Didn’t you know? Couples carvings are the new trend. Maybe, Luka, if you find someone to put up with your Jekyll-Hyde personality you’d understand.”

I feel Willow shift closer to me and her hand settles over her stomach whilst the other finds mine and I lock my fingers securely through hers.

Luka isn’t someone that people are afraid of when they meet him, he’s got a friendly personality when he’s not in one of his moods so I’m not sure why she’s so tense under his stare. She’s been through a lot recently though so this must be hard for her, having to suddenly meet new people like this.

He’s not exactly looking at Willow like he wants to fuck her but there’s something about his gaze that makes me want to drag him out of here by his overly starched collar and punch him so hard he’ll forget he ever laid eyes on her in the first place. When he catches my glare he clears his throat and quickly looks back to the clipboard.

Willow must sense my anger because she starts rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand in soothing circles. I look down at our hands, perplexed by the new feelings of contentment she brings out in me.

“Dean, it was a close call this time,” Bones says, taking a seat in the chair across from us and I can see how tired he looks. He’s probably not slept between taking that girl back to his and being here.

I know he wants to get out of here already and if his feelings for this girl are anything like mine for Willow then I get it. He's a goner. I appreciate him showing his face for me though.

“You don’t have to stay, Bones. I’ve got Willow to look after me now. I don’t need your sorry ass moping around playing nurse anymore.”

“Hey, you loved those outfits! And the sponge baths.”

Willows head keeps bouncing between the two of us like a damn bobble head and Bones and I both laugh at the same time. “He’s joking, baby. The only person I’d let sponge bath me is you, of course.”

“In your dreams,” she scoffs but I can see the lovely shade of peach her cheeks turn at the thought.

“Okay, I really like her,” Bones laughs.

“Yeah? Well keep looking at her and I’ll gouge your eyes out. That goes to both of you”

“Oooh, didn’t know you could get so jealous, Dean,” Bones mocks and I flip him off.

“Are you two done?” Luka says with more than a hint of irritation to his voice. “I’ve got other patients to see, ones that actually show me an ounce of respect.” I hold my hands up and give him a sharp nod as I try to stifle my laugh. “Your vitals are fine, blood pressure’s a bit low but I’ll fill you out a prescription for that along with some antibiotics. I’d advise staying in a few days so we can keep an eye on you but I know you’re not going to do that so I’ll sign you off to leave tomorrow.” He writes something on the clipboard before putting it back in the slot at the foot of the bed. “You know the drill by now but I’ll repeat it for my sake, keep the wound clean and dry, change your dressings twice a day, if it looks even the slightest bit infected then call me and limit physical activity so you don’t tear your stitches.”

“How limited are we talking?” I ask him as I narrow my eyes.

“Dean!” Willow slaps my chest knowing just what sort of physical activity I’m thinking of.

“Just don’t do anything stupid,” Luka says with a sigh then adds, “like I”ve already told Bones, you really can’t keep doing this. You’re a pain in my ass but I wouldn’t wish to see you dead. Plus the two of you are funding my dreams of one day retiring on a yacht or private island, alone. Maybe she can make you see some sense.”

”Don’t sell yourself short, Doc. Anyway, you”d miss us if you fucked off to some tropical paradise, admit it.” Bones says, trying to get a rise out of Luka, but the guy”s just as stoic as always and easily ignores Bones”s joke.

Quietly, I look down at Willow. Everything’s different now that I have her.

I never used to care if I came out of a fight alive but now I find myself wanting to experience everything with her and for that to happen I need everyday to count. “Thanks Doc. And Bones, Willow told me you helped her. Thanks man.”

Bones clears his throat and nods before getting up to follow Luka out but not before dropping me in it. “I’m glad you’re alive, man. Anyway, I’m sure you’d do the same for me. Let me know when you need a lift home, I’ll come pick you up. Willow, it was good to meet you and Dean…just tell her. I don’t know why you haven’t already.” Just before closing the door he adds, “by the way, I expect an invite soon and I better be your best-man!”

As the door clicks shut, I feel Willow relax now that we’re alone. I can’t get rid of my tension though, I’m just waiting for her to ask what Bones meant exactly.

“Is he a real doctor?” Willow”s small voice says breaking the tension and I laugh.

“Yeah. He’s like a completely different guy when he’s with patients that aren’t criminals.”

I feel her nod against my shoulder then after a few slow moments she pulls away so she can sit up and look at me.

“Dean I…,”

“Please don’t, Willow.” I’m not sure if I’m asking her not to leave me or not to ask any questions.

“No, Dean, I’m not stupid. Well, maybe I am because I didn’t see it until it was practically spelled out for me.”

She reaches for the front of my gown and pulls it up until the white bandage on my side is visible.

I’m suddenly reminded of how it happened. I felt something hit me, I thought the sensation in my side was because of the table I knocked into but I was so caught up in the moment, getting that girl out of there and getting myself back to Willow that I didn’t even think to check if it was a bullet that got me.

I didn’t notice any blood but I remember feeling exhausted on the drive home.

It was stupid and reckless of me to endanger Willow like that. If I didn’t make it home she would have thought I’d abandoned her.

I don’t doubt for a second that she would have found a way out and started a new life by herself but that makes the pressure in my chest worse. I want her to be happy but I can’t bear the thought of her finding that with someone else even if I’m gone.

I’m tempted to make a joke about her undressing me, but the cute look of steely determination on her face makes me keep my mouth shut.

She gently places her hand over the bandage, her breath catching in her throat as she gets the nerve to do whatever it is she’s planning on doing next. She holds her gaze with mine, with a ferocity that tells me that she’s not backing down and that she deserves answers.

Of course she does.

I should have given them to her before it came to this.

As she pushes her palms down, her eyes grow wider and wider, the harder she presses.

Like I’ve just hurt her, she quickly pulls her hands away.

Ash clings to my throat where everything inside me just burnt up and died with a single touch. Or more so the lack of that touch.

This is exactly why I didn’t tell her. I can’t stand the thought of her being disgusted at me for this, of her hating me for something I can’t control. I’ll gladly take her hate for everything I’ve done to her but this makes me feel like that small, lost boy again with not a single person to love him and a future of emptiness to come.

I told myself I’d never be that person again.

“I should have put it together after I stitched your cut that night, or after all the other times I fought you and you didn’t even react. Oh, the hot water! Dean, you should have said something.” Her eyes are a deep well of pity as all the puzzle pieces come together in her mind but I don’t want a single drop of her pity. I’ve never had it from anyone else and I don’t need it now.

She looks at my chest and traces her fingers over the old scars. “You really don’t feel anything do you?” she asks softly and my world starts to collapse, darkness overtaking me as I lose what little grip I had left over my control.

Don’t feel anything.

Fuck, she has no idea the depths at which I can feel. Even if I can’t feel pain, the amount of love I have for her is endless. That’s what we both need to hear but my mouth refuses to cooperate.

She’s left me vulnerable and it’s a feeling I don’t like. A feeling I can’t control.

I open my mouth to finally let every thought and feeling spill out without a filter but I stop myself. I can’t twist this around blaming it on her. The last thing I want to do right now is hurt her so much that I risk losing her.