22. WILLOW

Idon’t know how long I stay locked away in the bedroom, it could be a week by now or just a few days.

Dean comes in to check on me regularly but I ignore him each time. I spend my days and nights in bed. Sometimes Dean’s there hovering nearby like he wants to touch me but he doesn’t. That hurts more than it should.

I told Dean I hate him but I don’t know if it was the truth or not. If it was, then surely I shouldn’t feel such a deep ache when he’s not here.

The door’s never locked, like he showed me before, it doesn’t even have one. I could go to him if I wanted him that badly but instead I’m stuck here of my own choosing.

The days pass slowly and eventually I drag myself out of bed to have a shower. Half of me still feels numb but the other half I’m barely holding together. As soon as I let go of those pieces of me, I know I won’t be able to stop the emotions that pour out.

When I go back into the bedroom, with a towel wrapped around me, Dean’s sitting on the bed waiting for me.

“Hey, baby,” he says, his eyes brimming with concern. I sit down next to him leaving just a few inches between us. I’m too tired to push back against the pull my body has towards him. “You know I could have helped.” I look up at him expecting to see a smirk but he just gives me a small smile.

“It was just a shower,” I shrug.

“Is there anything else I can do?”

I let out a breath as I think of anything that could possibly make me feel good right now but nothing comes to mind. All I really want to do is waste away in bed until there’s nothing left of me but I’m sure Dean won’t let that happen.

Since he scared me he’s been delicate with me, like he thinks I’m going to shatter in his hands if he touches me. Maybe I will. I feel like I’m already broken.

“You should try to eat something,” Dean’s voice says softly to me. I keep my eyes shut and try to block him out.

I’m not sure when I last ate but my stomach hurts and it’s making me nauseous. If I do something as normal as eating then it’s like I’m accepting this reality. If I just lie here, feeling nothing, then I can pretend none of this is real. Eventually, I’ll drift off into nothing.

“Please, Willow.” He sounds like he’s in pain.

What right does he have to feel hurt about any of this?

My confession after he spanked me wasn’t a lie and that hurts worse than what he did to me.

I’m exactly what Dad said I’d become if I ever left him. Maybe I was better off in my tiny cage with him rather than in this predator”s enclosure.

If I put up with my dad”s harsh words for long enough, I would have had a place with a normal husband, one that would probably only fuck me until they came. I’d be without pain but without pleasure as well.

If I never met Dean I would have never discovered my true self. I can’t hate him for showing me what I really am, he didn’t turn me into this. It was under the surface all along waiting to claw its way out. But I can’t forgive him for any of it either.

I force myself to sit up and don’t push Dean’s hands away as he helps me. That’s all he’s done since I’ve been lying here in this numb state, helping me. He’s not demanded I get up or forced himself on me but his kindness makes me feel worse. Like I don’t deserve it.

“Here. You want to try and eat something?” He holds up a bowl and a spoon, when I don’t say no, he brings it to my mouth and I don’t even register what it is as I let him feed me. After a few mouthfuls, nausea gets the better of me and I press my hand to my mouth and shake my head. “That’s okay, baby. Well done for trying.” His words make my heart split open and I cry.

The numbness was so much easier to manage than this.

“Stop trying to be nice to me!” I snap.

He reaches out to hold me but hesitates and draws back. I didn’t think the pain inside me could get any worse but his rejection wrecks me, even if I did ask for it.

He gets up and starts to leave.

No.

Don’t leave me alone any longer.

I reach out, grabbing his wrist.

I hold him so tightly I can feel his pulse throbbing through my palm. It feels so good to be connected to him again, it’s like I’m home as long as our bodies can sense each other.

I can’t take anymore of being away from him lost in my own head. I want him to make me feel good and look after me like I really am worth it.

He looks at my hand then up to my face, his eyes flashing with what looks like hope.

“Please,” I sob. Please hold me. Make me feel less pathetic. Please.

Without a word he draws me in close and I cry until there’s nothing left in me.

“Why are you still here?” I ask him and he tenses. “Why bother with me at all? You should just leave me to fade away. I’m so messed up, so damaged. I’m not worth it.”

He gently cups my cheek and I look up at him through my wet lashes. “Willow, I will always want you. You’re not damaged. I’m…I fucked this up but I’m so fucking grateful you’re still here.”

“I can’t do this, Dean.”

“There’s nothing you need to do.” He must see the question in my eyes as he adds, “I’ll do anything for you, Willow, including never letting you go. I need you to know I am yours just as much as you’re mine. Even if you hate me forever, I’ll be right here taking care of you.”