24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Nick

I sat straighter and leaned in closer to the two men. Finally, I'd get some answers. I also planned to pick their brains about other things.

Richard smirked and wrapped his arms around Ramón. "Pansexuality often gets confused with being bisexual. It's not as talked about outside of our community bubble. If you're bisexual, you like men and women, and maybe you prefer one over the other. But as a pansexual, gender doesn't necessarily matter. You may go your entire life and never be interested in a man until you come across the right one, as you've seemed to have done. It doesn't mean you're attracted to men, per se. You're simply attracted to who you're attracted to, regardless of gender, if that makes sense."

"I think it does," I said. It was a relief to have some answers, ending my confusion. I'd never heard of pansexuality before. I thought there were only gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. It showed how little I understood about the world outside of heterosexuality.

"I just love the pans! Like it doesn't matter who you are, you can fall in love with them," Richard said, kissing Ramón's cheek.

"Well, that explains my lack of… wigging out from being with a man for the first time. I was wondering what was going on with me. I appreciate the answers, man."

"Of course. What else would you like to know?" Ramón asked.

Richard beamed. "Yes, we'd love to give you both some advice. Your newfound love is so sweet and adorable!"

"Sex," I blurted.

"Jesus," Logan said, sinking in his stool, trying to hide behind his beer, but I ignored him, desperately wanting to learn more about sex with a man because I had every intention of discovering it all with Logan. And I knew I'd screwed it up with Lauren.

Richard rubbed his hands together greedily. "Oh, this is just too delicious!"

"What have you two tried so far?" Ramón asked, his dark brown eyes glinting with mirth, but he was more reserved than Richard.

"Oh god…" Logan groaned.

I patted Logan's thigh. "Don't be embarrassed. We need answers."

"Easy for you to say."

I was definitely the more experienced and bolder one between us. I faced the two men and took a deep breath. But just because I was bolder didn't mean I wasn't a little mortified to be asking these questions. "We've done handies and blow jobs. We want to try to have sex."

"That's the best part!" Richard exclaimed. "First, unless neither of you have had sex, get some condoms to protect yourselves. Then you need lube—lots of lube."

Ramón nodded in agreement. "Mucho lube."

"It's up to you, but whoever decides to bottom—"

"Bottom?" Logan suddenly asked, now paying close attention.

Richard nodded. "Yes, you need to decide who's doing the fucking or not. Some of us are strict tops or bottoms. Some of us are vers, meaning we take turns fucking each other."

"I want that… to take turns," I said.

"Then you need to decide who's going to bottom first. Now, you can just go at it, or you can… clean yourself out. There are enema bulbs and such to do that, but it's not vital. The most important thing is stretching the anus. You can't just shove it in and start fucking."

And that was precisely what I'd done to Lauren. No wonder she'd hated it.

Ramón demonstrated with his fingers in a poking motion. "That's the best part. You can stretch the hole with your fingers, working him open. Even better, you can use your tongue to rim him."

"Rim?" Logan said, his voice adorably too high and squeaky.

"Ugh, rimming is the best. Use your tongue to massage the muscle. It's a very pleasing sensation."

Ramón nodded, "Sí, very pleasing."

I made a mental note to rim Logan if I were the one to top him. "Got it. What else?"

"Once the hole seems nice and loose, you can ease into him with your cock. Be gentle. He needs to adapt, or else it'll hurt, and you could injure him. But once he's ready, that's when the magic happens. You gotta hit that prostate… the g-spot for men," Richard explained.

After we talked about sex for a bit longer, Logan stood. "I'll be back. I gotta take a piss."

"This is good stuff, guys. I appreciate all the help. I don't feel so inept anymore."

"It's our pleasure," Richard said.

"So, do you think we'll find happiness in the future? I mean, Logan's afraid he'll die alone. I don't know where this road will take us when we reach California. We're still figuring shit out."

Despite my words, I'd already made up my mind that I wanted Logan as mine. My primal need to claim him tonight at the show and again while dancing was proof enough of that. I was quickly growing attached to him.

Ramón took Richard's hand in his. "It's not always going to be fácil… easy. Staying in the closet never is. But Richard and I live together, and that helps us love each other openly. And we find our moments to be together as we should. If your love is strong enough and you communicate, you'll both get through it."

Love? I wasn't in love with Logan, but my feelings were definitely growing. Our situation was still tentative, especially with our family situation. These guys had no way of knowing that, and I wasn't about to tell them.

"And one day, we'll be able to get married. It will happen. Mark my words," Richard said.

"I hope so. I'm still really new to this world, so I have a lot to learn. The road's been interesting and enlightening."

Ramón rested a hand on my shoulder. "Scared?"

"Weirdly, I'm not. I mean, there's a lot to think about, but being with Logan has made me feel like I'm right where I need to be."

"Then you will be just fine," Richard said with a smile.

"Uh, there are guys having sex in the bathroom, and another guy was giving a blow job to a dick poking out of a hole in the stall," Logan said, sitting down and tossing back the rest of his beer.

Ramón and Richard burst out laughing. "Yes, some men are bolder than others. You get used to it, honey." Richard leaned in close. "Sometimes you can watch, which can be quite fun."

Even my face burned. That probably wasn't for me.

The two men laughed again, probably at the faces Logan and I were making.

"Babies, indeed," Richard huffed a laugh.

We ended up closing the bar down, talking to Richard and Ramón, drinking, laughing, and learning so much from them. Before we left, they gave us their number should we ever need to talk or if we have more questions.

Logan and I lay in bed, and I rolled over on top of him. "Let's do it. Let's have sex."

His face was tired yet thoughtful as he combed the bangs away from my face. "I've been thinking…"

"Yeah? Did it hurt?"

He rolled his eyes and smirked. "Ass. I'm being serious."

"Sorry. What've you been thinking about?"

He sighed and tried to glance away, but I forced his face back to me. "Talk."

"As much as I would love to have sex with you… Really, it's more than I ever wanted, but a part of me worries about bringing you into this life. I know we haven't decided on anything, but what if…" He sighed again, gathering his thoughts, and wrapped his arms around my back. "Sex is kind of a big deal for me. Maybe it's not for other guys, like those dudes in the bathroom tonight, but… if we go there, I'm not going to want to let you go, Nick."

I bent down and kissed his nose. "Then don't let me go."

And there he went, growling again and shoving me off him. He climbed out of bed and paced around the small motel room. "It's not that simple."

"I realize this isn't simple, but explain it to me."

"I'm not sure I want to drag you into this life. You heard Richard and Ramón. They love each other and all, but they still live in secret, even after twelve years."

"But that's promising, Logan. I see it as a good thing. We both worry about being alone, but look at them. Despite all their hardships, they're still together and love each other."

Logan huffed and sat on the edge of the bed, deflating. "I get that, but…"

I crawled over to him, sitting on my knees and resting my chin on his shoulder. "But what?"

"Don't you want marriage and kids? I mean, you used to talk about it all the time with Lauren."

I did want a family. But as of this moment, being with Logan and having to choose between a man and a woman, I'd choose the man. I only had two people to compare to, but Logan had been far more interesting, deeper, and sexy.

Perhaps I should tell him that .

"Yeah, but that's all big future stuff. If being with Lauren has taught me anything, it's that we can't plan for every little thing, which could go sideways in an instant. Not that I want to live life on maybes, but for now, I want to try this with you. I'm not afraid."

"You should be."

"Maybe I should, but I don't feel it. I really like where this is going between us." I reached for his face and pulled him toward me. "Look at me, Logan."

Logan turned to face me and grabbed my hand, playing with my fingers.

"You're so raw and real. Fuck, if I'd known what kind of person you really were deep down behind that fucking mask of yours… I'm not afraid because it's you. You're comfortable, you're home, and you're… I don't know. You set my body on fire like it's never been set before. I have a feeling that once we have sex, if we choose to, there won't be any turning back for me, either."

"Being pan or whatever… you're always going to be labeled as gay with me. Other people won't understand."

"Are you trying to talk me out of this? Do you want to stop this thing between us?"

"What? No. It's just…"

"You want to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into."

"Yeah, exactly."

I took his face between my hands to make him look at me again. "Do you think I didn't hear those homophobes make comments to the men in line at the club? I did. Do I think this will be easy for us? No, I don't. But let's not plan so far into the future right now. It's only been over a week, Logan."

He sighed and looked at me with those beautiful eyes of his, full of worry and affection. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for talking shit out. And if having sex is too much, then we can skip that part. I'm fine with what we're doing."

"No, I want it all, Nick."

"Then you'll have it all."