45. KADENCE

KADENCE

H e's been quiet the whole ride. I still have no idea where he’s taking me and, at this point I don't think he even knows where he's going. Whatever happened during that meeting has fucked with the man I said goodbye to that morning. I've tried everything to swallow down the anxiety that has built itself a home in my stomach and nothing has worked.

Holden pulls off onto an outlook from the highway and kicks his stand down so I can climb off. As soon as I do, I pull the helmet off and turn to him. His eyes are cast out across the water that crashes below against the cliffside we're parked on and his brows are furrowed. Even with the passing cars, the silence radiating from him is deafening.

"Baby," I say softly moving into his side. "What happened?"

"I-" he starts, but his voice cracks and that's when my heart dips. Holden sucks in a shaky breath and shakes his head letting it fall forward with the weight of whatever's on his mind.

"Hey," I whisper, taking his cheeks in my hands and moving to stand in front of him.

I maneuver my fingers under his chin to undo the chin strap of his helmet before pulling it off of his head. I make quick work of hanging it on the handlebar only to move my hands back to his features. He looks like he is on the verge of breaking and it's killing me that I can't do anything to help it. His eyes focus on the water again, unable to look at me.

"Holden," I whisper again, hoping to get his attention.

"He lied." Is all he says before his arms wrap around me. He tugs me as close as he can to him, still on his bike. My arms instinctively snake around his neck as he buries his face into the crook of mine.

"What do you mean? Who lied?" I ask gently, trailing my fingers along the nape of his neck. His arms tighten around me like if he were to let go I would float away from him. Confusion wracks through me as I try to piece together what he was saying.

Holden lifts his head to look at me with tears welling in his eyes. I hate that he's shattering in front of me, piece by piece and I can't stop it.

"Cole lied about Becca's death."

"What?" I breathe out, my eyes wide as the words settle between us in a toxic cloud.

“He knew why she was on the road that night. Why she snuck out.” He chokes out the words and drops his head again. “She was fucking going to meet him. He knew this whole time that I blamed myself for not being there to protect her that night. I spent–” Holden sucks in a breath but it sounds strained as if breathing was painful, “I spent the night staring at photos of her beaten body and he fucking knew.”

My hands move to cup his face as a sob takes over the last few of his words. "Holden," I whisper, tracing my thumbs over his cheekbones and wiping away his tears as the grief of his sister's death washes over him again.

"Fuck," he curses shaking his head. "Fuck!"

Holden launches into a ramble about what happened at their meeting. How Cole had exploded over the tiniest of things. How nothing had gone to plan and how he found out about Becca. He holds nothing back as his words fall from his lips between small gasps of air and the slight raises in his voice when his anger takes over. I wipe his cheeks as he speaks whenever he lifts his head to look at me. All I can do is listen to him.

Truth be told, I don't know how to handle this with him. I don't know how to help him protect the club and I don't know how to help him protect his heart from breaking even more than it already was as he talks about Cole. All I want to do is wrap around him and be his shield.

He finally climbs from his bike and leads me over to the rock wall separating us from the cliffside below.

"How do I go back?" His voice is small and quiet as he turns to me.

"You have to." I hate saying that to him and I hate the look he gives me even more. His brows are furrowed and his lips are turned down into a frown. "I know that you're hurting and you have every right to be," I say as he starts to pull away from me. I know how he operates, Holden runs when things get tough, he hides behind his anger and grief the same way I do.

"I'm not your enemy, Holden," I say carefully. "And neither is Cole."

He spins so fast on me that it makes me dizzy. His eyes go wide, "You think I shouldn't blame him?" He asks, his words laced with hurt.

"That's not what I said," I sigh." You can hurt, you can grieve again. You're allowed to but don't let that get in between you and your brothers."

"How?" His whisper is almost a whine and it shatters what's left of my heart. "How do I look him in the face again knowing that he's responsible."

I wince knowing that I don't agree with him. "He wasn't the one that killed her, Holden."

That familiar darkness flickers in his eyes as he pulls away from my touch. "What the hell does that mean?" As soon as the words leave his lips it's like I can see his defenses build up around him and I'm desperate to stop it.

"It means just that. Cole didn't kill Becca just like I didn't kill my baby." The words feel like broken glass falling from my lips. I don't want to hurt him but he needs to hear this. Holden moves to pull further away from me, I don't let him this time. My fingers wrap around his hands and hold them to my chest. "You know who killed her. That's who you should be angry with. Cole should not have lied, he should have told you. But making him your enemy won't help anyone."

I know he's barely listening to me at this point but a part of me hopes the words ring true. His gaze has moved past me, back out at the water and his hands are clenched in mine. "Take the anger and hurt that you feel and direct it at the people who've hurt the ones you love. Use it against Stokes, Watson, hell even the Skulls if that's what you need, but don't weigh the club down with this."

"I'm tired of having it all on my shoulders," he whispers into the setting sun.

"I know," I reply just as softly. "Give me some of that weight."

Finally those cerulean eyes land on mine. Searching them for answers I don't have. This weekend was supposed to make things easier for us and yet somehow things feel even more heavy than they were a month ago. I know whatever we have to face is going to test us even more than we already have been but I also know that deep down we were so rooted within each other that we'd get through it.

Holden tucks my hands against his chest and leans into me slightly, tilting his head to the side as he studies my face. Taking in my features like it's the last time.

"Do you love me?" He whispers, keeping his eyes on mine.

Even if I try to deny it, I can't lie to him. My feelings for him are written in everything I do.

"More than you know."

For the first time since that morning, he smiles. It's soft but it still sends a flutter of butterflies through me as he leans further into me, capturing my lips with his. He tugs his hands from mine and tangles his fingers into my hair, kissing me with everything he has. When he pulls back, it feels like he takes the air in my lungs with him and when my eyes finally open he's watching me with something akin to adoration in his eyes.

"Ask me," he says breathlessly, sliding his hands to frame my face.

"Do you love me?" I whisper back without hesitation.

The corners of his mouth curve upwards again, lighting that small fire in my belly.

"More than you know," he rasps, pulling me to him and pressing his lips to mine. I melt into his chest, my fingers wrap around the lapels of his vest while his hands wrap around the small of my back, practically hugging me to his chest.

I pull back just enough to see his eyes, my breath fanning across his flushed cheeks. "Are we crazy?" My voice is barely a whisper. "It's been what? A little over a month?"

"Sixty-two days.” He grins. It's so bright that it sends an ache straight through my chest. Holden trails his hands up my back and though he looks relaxed, when I move my hands down his chest I can feel the tension radiating through him along with the hammering of his heart against my palm.

"You've been counting?" I ask softly.

He nods as sadness flickers in his eyes. A sigh leaves him as he pushes back the fallen tendrils of hair from my face, tucking them behind my ear. He doesn't say anything for a moment but he trails his fingers down my jaw and on instinct I lean into his touch when they curl around the side of my neck.

"Good things don't happen to men like me," he starts while holding my gaze. "So when a good thing like you comes into my life, you bet your ass I'm counting the days."

Warmth blooms in my chest as a wistful sigh leaves my lips. No one has ever said such sweet words to me and actually meant them. Holden does it every time even if he doesn't mean to. With no expectation of anything other than just my love. "You really have a way with words, Nash."

"Only for you," he whispers, pulling me close and brushing his lips against mine. He takes them for his own once more before patting my thighs and pulling back, cutting off the kiss I so desperately want more of. "This is supposed to be our day," he says with a soft frown. "I'm sorry that it was spoiled."

I grin, glancing back down at the ocean. The sun is still above the horizon, the glow of it glistens off the water below. "The day isn't over yet," I say looking back at him. "We can still make the most of it before we go back tomorrow."

The furrow in his brow deepens. "We don't have to go back tomorrow."

I raise a brow with a smile tugging on my lips. "We don't?"

He shakes his head. "I'm not ready to go back and deal with the bullshit waiting for me. I want time with you and I'm milking every minute I can get of it."

I can't help but laugh. "How romantic."

"Hey." His fingers find my ribs, tickling me gently as I burst into a fit of giggles. My hands shoot out to his wrists to try and pull away from him until he finally grants some mercy, "I'll show you how romantic I can be."

He buries his face into the crook of my neck, nipping at the junction between my throat and collarbone. It's the one spot he knows that has my heart going from zero to sixty in an instant.

"Mauling me on the side of the highway isn't romantic," I pant, unable to hide that even the slight fan of his breath against my skin is hitting me straight in my core.

The corners of his lips turn upwards against my skin as he trails them to the other side of my neck. "I beg to differ, Sunflower." His breath is hot against my skin now, "I've never needed someone more than I do you."

"Oh God, Holden," I groan pulling back from him. "You have to stop." Laughing softly I cup his face, capturing his lips with mine.

He instantly takes control of the kiss, forcing a whimper from me as his tongue runs along the seam of my lips. As soon as I part them, he delves in. The kiss turns needy and almost impatient as his hands skate down my back and up the hem of my shirt. The warmth of his skin against mine is all I need to ignite that fire in my belly and turn every logical thought I have into mush.

I move to stand between his legs while he sits on the wall, never breaking the kiss. His hard length presses against my abdomen as my hands rest against his thighs. I break the kiss this time, glancing around us to find anything that could seclude us from passing cars. The only thing near is the wall and peering over the side of it, there is still a good six feet before the ground drops off the edge of the cliff. A wicked thought crosses my mind as I grin at him.

"Do you trust me?" I ask, peering into his curious blue eyes that I love so much.

Holden raises a brow. "With my life."

I suck in a breath not expecting that response and swallow the emotions bubbling in my throat in order not to ruin the lust burning through me. I climb over the rock wall, shoving back the nerves running through me with his statement. They wrap around my veins like roots knowing he trusts me that much. I don't know what the future holds for us but Jeremy is still out there and still gunning for me. Having him trust me with his life is a terrifying thought when I know that the man who almost killed me would do just about anything to get me back.

"What are you doing?" He asks with amusement in his voice. The question melts away the thoughts running through me as he turns around to see me standing near the edge of the cliff. It's still a few feet away but seeing the drop up close makes my heart thunder. Adrenaline courses through me as I look back at him.

"Mauling you," I chuckle to even out the sound of my voice.

I take two steps towards him, settling between his thighs and wrapping my fingers around his belt. With a tug, I pull him off the wall.

"Is that so?" He asks, watching me with curiosity laced with the fire burning in his eyes.

I hum my response and begin to work his buckle undoing his belt before moving to his jeans and making quick work of the button and zipper. A groan falls from his lips as I slide my hand beneath the waistband of his briefs, lifting to my toes to trail my lips along his jaw.

"Baby, you don't have to do this," he breathes. The shake in his voice tells me that this is exactly what I should be doing.

"I want to," I all but moan as my fingers wrap around him. Already hard and wanting, I trail my thumb over his head, spreading the soft bead of precum over his tip.

Before he can protest further I drop to my knees, tugging his jeans and briefs down just far enough that he's now exposed to me. His length bobs heavily and I realize it's been a long time since I've done anything like this to a man but I trust Holden just as much as he trusts me.

With slow purposeful strokes, I glance up at him through my lashes. Those blue eyes are glued to me and darkening while he watches my hand move against him. His jaw ticks as I quicken my pace, twisting my wrist gently to work him in a corkscrew motion.

"I'm in control," I rasp firmly. "Hands on the wall."

A growl escapes him, but still he does what he's told. Holden leans back against the rocks, his ass resting against them forces his hips to jut against my grip and he rests his hands on either side of him.

"Thank you," I whisper.

His nod is strained, but his eyes are full of the love I now know he feels for me. The same love that runs through me in waves every time he is near.

My tongue darts from between my lips as I lick his head, forcing a hiss from his lips. I can't help the smile that forms on my face as I begin to take him in my mouth. bobbing my head softly and using my hands for whatever I'm not able to take.

Not even the rocks and dirt digging into my knees can distract me from the man falling apart in front of me and at my mercy. Something about the idea of a man his size crumbling under my touch makes me feel powerful. Makes me feel like everything that was taken from me, stolen from me, was just within reach again.

"Christ, Kade," he groans as his head drops back and his eyes slide closed with a shudder as my tongue swirls around his tip again.

With the adrenaline and newfound power surging through me, I hollow out my cheeks, taking him as far as I can until I feel him at the back of my throat. Satisfaction rolls through me with a soft gag and I back off giving myself room to breathe as his hips roll gently between my lips.

"You have no idea what you're doing to me," he growls, bringing his head forward and finding my eyes again. "How beautiful you look right now."

Tears prick at the edges of my eyes. They’re not from his intrusion in my mouth but his words. Everything that I have wanted to hear for years is falling from his lips with ease and spearing my heart. Doing nothing but carving his name over the scars that had hardened there.

I move faster, taking him however I want and Holden lets me. He's giving me everything in this moment while I give him the release he desperately needs. I lift my free hand, wrapping it around his thigh to hold myself up. My core is soaked and aching for my own release but right now this is for him. It's about him and I know that he will make good on giving me what I need later.

"Baby," he groans. "If you don't stop now, I'm going to come down that pretty throat of yours." Every word is strained and hoarse but still his eyes never leave mine and I refuse to back down. " Sunflower ," he growls and my eyes flicker to his hands where the whites of his knuckles shine against the sunset as he grips the stone below him.

With a hoarse moan, I feel him swell between my lips and his hips stutter until he is doing just that. Spilling down my throat as I hold him there, moaning with him until he exhales and his shoulders slump.

Releasing him with a soft pop, I run my tongue over my bottom lip relishing the salty and bitter taste of him. In an instant, his hands are on me, pulling me up off of my knees and to my feet. His lips crash into mine while one hand slides to the back of my neck, holding me firmly to him and the other wraps around my waist. I nip at his bottom lip, forcing a chuckle to form deep in his chest.

"I love you," I whisper softly against his mouth. His breath fans across my cheeks with an intoxicating heat that does nothing to tamper my own needs. My body feels so sensitive the slightest of his touches sends sparks down my spine.

His smile is beautiful as the sun sets behind me. "I love you too, Sunflower."

With another soft peck to my lips, he releases me and tucks himself back within his jeans. He climbs over the wall and turns back to me, holding out his hand to help me over. "C'mon, I think it's time we focus on ourselves for a bit."

I know that there's still that lingering sadness under the smile he reserves only for me. The weight of his club, of his relationship with his brothers, all of it hangs around us like a dense cloud but, for now, I'll take every moment of happiness I can with him before we go back to the mess waiting for us.