33. KADENCE

KADENCE

H is arms wrap around my waist, tugging me against his chest.

“I’m never going to let anything hurt you.” Holden’s words become muffled as he buries his face into the crook of my neck. My cheeks flush feeling his growing erection press against my belly.

“I’m sure you and the rest of the three musketeers won’t,” I murmur against his still wet skin.

His chuckles fill the room as he walks me towards the edge of the bed. “The three musketeers?” Holden asks, his hands running up and down my arms, sending another trail of fireworks down my spine.

I giggle, the fire in my core starting to burn in a soft smolder once again. What we did in the shower… I never experienced anything like it. It was like my own out-of-body experience as he gracefully explored every inch of me. Giving me everything I need physically and showing me that sex isn’t just all about being forceful. It can be beautiful, too, and that realization is what brings on the shock.

“You,” I breathe as he turns me around in his arms and presses a kiss to my chest, “Cole and Dex.” I glance up at him, the smile on his face falters for only a moment as he steps back from me and that instant feeling that I’ve done something wrong sinks in. “What?”

He shakes his head and moves around me. “Nothing,” Holden murmurs as he searches for clothes in his bag.

“Holden,” I urge, hugging the towel to myself. I step towards him, running my hand over his back, “are you jealous?” I ask carefully, wincing when I feel the muscles in his back tense up.

“No,” he bites but even I can see his jaw working as he pulls out a pair of briefs.

“Hey,” I say softly, stepping closer because even though I can feel the tension radiating off of him, I’m not going to let whatever this is slip between our closing cracks. “This only works if you talk to me. I don’t know how to make you feel better if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Holden runs a hand over his face and lets out something between a sigh and growl, the frustration in his eyes evident as he finally looks at me. “It’s not anything that you did,” he pauses for a moment and stares at me before reaching out his hand and tugging me to him.

He sits on the edge of the bed, urging me to sit next to him. “Things between Wolfe, Cole, and I haven’t been the same since you showed up.” I move to pull my hands from him, my lips falling open slightly to protest that statement but I’m cut off with his lips against mine. “It’s not your fault,” he reassures, silencing me. “I wasn’t–haven’t been the most trustworthy since I got out. They’re leery of me having something that I could very possibly ruin, especially when that something is you.”

“You aren’t going to ruin me, Holden.” I reply with conviction, “Cole and Dex will need to realize that they aren’t my keepers and they aren’t my jailers. They’re my friends and I am grateful that they want to protect me, but protecting me from you isn’t an option I’ll let them have.” The corners of my mouth turn up as I take his face into my hands. “I won’t let them and you shouldn’t either.”

Holden chuckles as his hands cover mine, intertwining our fingers and bringing my hands to his lips, kissing each finger. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a tiny bit stubborn?”

I laugh. “Maybe a few times.”

He grins before leaning into me, capturing my lips in his, making the butterflies in my chest swarm and flutter. A feeling that I’m getting used to and at the same time, not. I never felt this way with Jeremy. It always felt like walking on broken glass. Painful and on edge. Being with Holden feels like floating on a cloud when we aren’t arguing which, over the last few days, has been less and less.

I'm learning to speak my mind again. To not shut down at the first sign of trouble and sink into myself. I've noticed a change in Holden as well, usually with some urging and my hands calming his tense muscles. He's begun to open up to me and show me a softness that I haven't seen in a really long time.

His lips glide over my own and I pull back gently. He’s given me space to tell him on my own what happened that night, and for the years prior, but I have to also live by the words that fell from my lips. If this is going to work, I have to be open and honest with him. No More Secrets.

“I want to show you something,” I say softly, pulling from his grasp and moving to my suitcase, which is still packed, making a mental note to put things away later. I quickly step into a pair of underwear and tug a tank top over my body, ignoring the dull ache in my side.

Digging my hand into the bag I know my past is hidden in, I freeze as my fingers wrap around the plush stuffed animal. I slowly pull it from my bag, staring down at the bright gold eyes and light-colored blue spots that decorate the giraffe’s body. It feels like my heart is stepping into another world, staring down at one of the only reminders of what I’ve lost. My stomach aches as I turn back to Holden. His brows furrow but his gorgeous worried blue eyes are glued on the animal in my hands.

I make my way back to the bed and climb onto the mattress, sitting cross-legged in front of him. My fingers fiddle with the small ear as I search for the right words to say. Painfully aware that I’m tugging at what feels like healing stitches when I start.

“I wanted to name him after my father, George,” I say softly, sucking in a breath. “Jeremy hated it, said it was an old man’s name.”

Holden reaches for me, his fingers wrapping around my calf giving it a reassuring squeeze as my eyes flicker to his. I feel the familiar burn behind my eyes watching his own softening with my words. He hasn’t said anything and before he can offer me any sentiments I shake my head,

“He had been so on edge that morning, I should’ve–” I sigh. “For a few weeks before that day, everything had been normal again. He was loving, came home at a decent time, and didn’t question every little thing I did. I had my freedom back for the first time in months.”

I set the giraffe between us, watching as Holden uses his free hand to pick it up and inspect it over. His eyes flicker to me and I can see the tornado of sadness and anger swirling in them but even more it feels like they’re begging me to continue.

“It had to have been something at work that threw him back into his anger. It was always something with work. A bad bust, reprimand for excessive force, the list was long with Jeremy and yet they kept him around.” I shake my head. “He wasn’t a good cop.” I glance up at him, the warning low in my voice “He did things off the books that he shouldn’t have. He and his partners had their own form of justice that the department let slide because it was working to bring down some of the worst humans. They just ignored the fact that they had some of those worst beings working for them.”

His hand squeezes my calf again. “How do you know all of that?” Holden gently asks.

“Like I said, he wasn’t a good cop in any sense of the word.” I shift on the bed, tucking my hair behind my ear. “He left paperwork lying around, took calls in front of me, and didn’t try to hide what he and his buddies were doing.” A harsh hollow chuckle leaves me, “I guess he figured I wouldn’t say anything so long as he kept me in line.”

“Jesus, Kade,” Holden breathes, his hands unmoving on my skin.

I let my hands wrap around his. “That night, I don’t know what happened. I know he blamed it on me making fucking lasagna for dinner.” I feel the prickles on my skin as the memories start to overwhelm me. I take a deep breath, my eyes sliding closed, feeling Holden’s eyes bore into me in anticipation of whatever I’m about to say. “I ran that night. I found myself sitting in the same corner of my dining room, huddled away from him when I knew that it was just more than myself I needed to protect.”

My hand rests carefully over my stomach, the empty womb that should still be carrying my child today, haunting me. “I used to run, but as time went on, it was harder to get away from him and easier just to take it.” My chin wobbles and I know Holden can hear the shakiness in my voice. “He threw the dinner plates at me, barely missing me which only pissed him off more. I don’t remember what he was yelling at that point. I just remember that one moment I was reaching for the front door and the next he had me pinned against the shattered picture frames on the wall.”

I blink away the tears and hold my eyes closed for a moment trying to get the images to leave. Holden’s thumb swipes away the tears on my cheeks as he moves closer to me, the giraffe in his lap as I look up at him.

“It’s how I got the scar on my shoulder, glass dug too deep under the skin, but it was nothing compared to the pain I felt hitting the corner of the coffee table when he tossed me, calling me useless.”

He sucks in a breath, his free hand cupping my face. His eyes have turned glossy, and even though they feel soft, the muscle working in his jaw tells me he’s everything but. “I’m sorry,” Holden whispers.

I shake my head. “Don’t.”

“Sunflower,” he whines as I lean into his touch and wrap a hand around his wrist.

“Please just–” I suck in a breath, “just let me get through this.” I squeeze his wrist, pulling his hand from my face and tucking it in my lap. I need to feel him to keep me grounded and to avoid getting swallowed up by the memories I have been trying so desperately not to drown in.

With a deep breath, I steady myself. “A neighbor walking their dog heard the commotion.” I let out a soft laugh as tears trickle from my eyes. “Thank god for Mr. Capecci and his annoying terrier. He called 9-1-1. I don’t know how long it took for them to get there truthfully, but when Jeremy opened the door it was over.”

Holden grabs me and pulls me into his lap, hugging me close to his body. I want to push away. I don’t want to feel broken anymore. I don’t want to see the pity on anyone else’s face. Especially his. But he holds me tight and for once I let myself soak up his warmth and comfort. I bury my face into his chest, squeezing my eyes closed. “They told me the baby didn’t survive like it was just any other diagnosis and now… My mother is dating the man.”

“She’s what?” He asks anger trickling into his words.

“The doctor who told me stitched me up–he was in the Bahamas with my mother.”

He pulls back to look down at me, his brows furrow as if to ask if I’m serious. I sigh.

“When I told you my mother hasn’t been my mother for a very long time, this was just the cherry on top. She chose Jeremy over me. She chose herself over my father after he died, forgetting the fact that I was twelve and still just a kid. Janice is not my family.”

“Jesus, Kade,” Holden breathes and his arms tighten around me. Silence washes over us for a few moments. “Why did you tell me this? Why now?”

I shift in his arms so that my legs straddle either side of his waist, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Because you should know that the scars I carry aren’t just visible on my skin. They aren’t marred flesh that can be hidden with clothes. They live deep within me and I don’t know how to heal them.” My voice trails off into a whisper. “And because they haven’t made me feel as nearly as strong as I do when I’m with you.”

“Baby, you’ve always been strong. You had to be to live through that shit,” he whispers. His hands tangle in my still damp hair, pulling me into him. “I should kill him for what he did to you,” Holden pauses, anger flaring behind his blue eyes, “what he continues to do to you.”

I press my lips to his tasting the saltiness of my tears mixed with his usual sweetness and a hint of tobacco before pulling back. “I’m scared, Holden,” My voice barely over a whisper. “I don’t want him to come after me. I don’t want to see him, and I’m scared that he’ll find out where I am.”

The idea has been weighing on me ever since the news junket and the brief stout with Holden had distracted me from the fear. But now that he’s back and that Jeremy has been radio silent since that day, it feels like everything is still crashing down on me in slow motion. I haven’t even turned on my phone since that day. I know Maria must be worried, but I can’t risk putting everyone in danger for one phone call. I also know how naive it is to hope that Jeremy will just forget about me.

“He’ll have to go through me before he gets to you again,” he says firmly. “No one is touching a hair on this beautiful head without suffering the consequences.” Holden dips his head to catch my eyes and wraps his fingers around the back of my neck. “You hear me?”

Warmth flutters in my belly at the conviction in his voice. His free arm twists around my waist, pulling me impossibly close to him. I relish the way he holds me and protects me. Even if over the last week he had been, what Cole called, ‘obnoxiously guard doggish’. But I love it. It makes me feel safe and like for once I can breathe.

Despite the scars that live deep within me, Holden makes me want to heal. He makes me want to forget what it was like to feel broken and unprotected. Every promise he makes, I know he will do everything in his power to keep.

"I hear you," I whisper, grazing my lips against his.

"Good," he rumbles, clearly satisfied with my words.

My hips roll against his, teasing the hard length that's pressed against my core. He pulls back to look at me, really look at me. His eyes flicker between my own as he searches for any hesitation. My tongue rolls over my bottom lip before I tug it between my teeth and I see him smirk.

"What's going through that pretty head?" He asks.

The grip he has on my neck tightens just for a moment like he's trying to hold himself back from tossing me behind him on the bed. Normally the idea would scare the shit out of me. Now? I want nothing more than that.

I want my power back. I want to know what it would be like to be in control for once. So when he leans in to nip at my lip, I plant both hands firmly on his shoulders stopping him. "Will you let me be in control?" I ask softly.

Holden's brows furrow for a moment. "You'll always have the control."

I shake my head. "I don't mean with my words, baby." I grind my hips down on him again feeling him between the thin pieces of cotton that separate us.