30. KADENCE

KADENCE

Cold. So cold.

Hands, warm–no cold hands.

Water rushing, screams. My screams?

Blue eyes. Tears.

Sunflower.

Because it’s us–against the world.

My eyes open as I suck in a breath forcing a searing pain to shoot up my side, causing me to gasp and tense.

"Fuck," I breathe tentatively and feel how sore my throat is.

My entire body feels like it's been hit by a freight train and my arms feel like lead weights as I try to push myself up. The room is still dark minus the small stream of light that pours through the crack in the curtains.

I roll my head to the side and give up on moving. Soft snores come from next to me, but the bed I’m in is empty. I take a pained breath in and slide my elbows up to my shoulders beneath me, doing everything I can to push myself up. Stopping every few moments as the fire shoots through me. When I’m finally lifted enough I carefully peer over the edge of the bed, only making out half of his face.

“Holden?” I whisper but he doesn’t move.

He’s tucked under another blanket, a pillow behind his head. He’s been sleeping on the floor? My brows furrow as I do everything I can to roll onto my side, letting out a low whimper as my arm presses against my ribcage.

Suddenly he’s up, staring at me. His hair is matted and stuck to his forehead, and his beard has grown thicker since I last saw him. The day in the clubhouse? No. Moon. He had come to Moon and found me. My head throbs as the memories start to flood back in. The storm, the creaking on the bridge.

My eyes meet his, the blue becoming glossy.

“Kadence,” he rasps, moving to the edge of the bed and helping me lay back down. “Don’t move too much,” he says, pushing back my hair as another wave of pain rolls deep within my muscles. His tongue rolls over his bottom lip, bringing it between his teeth. His eyes are overwhelmed with sadness.

“I’m okay.” I know I’m not, but I can’t bear to see the pity on his face. I’ve seen enough of it over the past week.

He shakes his head. “No you aren’t.”

“Holden,” I whisper, “what happened wasn’t your fault.”

I move to sit up but he stops me, his hands come to rest on my thighs gently and almost tentatively, as if he were to put any more pressure on me, I would break. Little does he know I already feel broken. There isn’t anything he can do to me that would make me feel otherwise.

“Let me sit up, please.”

His eyes search mine for a moment before he leans over the edge of the bed, grabbing the pillow he was using and sets it behind me. He helps me sit up against the headboard, adjusting the pillow. He’s unusually quiet as if he’s debating his words.

I reach for him as he sits down on the edge of the bed next to me, his body turned towards me, and his knee curled under him. I rest my hand on his cheek.

“It’s not your fault,” I say again.

Holden shakes his head. “I should have never left you.” His voice is so soft that I barely hear him. I tangle my fingers into the short beard forcing him to look at me.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” I start and his brows furrow, “but I should have told you the truth sooner.”

His head dips down as his fingers tangle with mine, bringing my hand to his lap. “Do you remember the bridge?” He asks in a shaky voice.

I nod. “I’m not giving up on you, Holden.”

“You swore no more secrets,” he says, looking back up at me. “I need to promise the same.” He feels distant, even with our hands intertwined and feeling his warmth radiate through me.

“You jumped in after me,” I ask, looking down at the bruises on his hands, “didn’t you?”

His face crumbles for a moment before he sucks in a breath. “Of course I did.”

I feel the emotions between us wash over me, tears stinging my eyes. He went after me. He didn’t give up on me. I remember the water and how raging it was with the storm and yet we both survived.

“Thank you,” I whimper.

He leans into me, pressing his forehead to mine. “I almost lost you.” Holden shakes his head, still pressed to mine, our noses brushing the other’s. “I can’t lose you, Kade.”

“You didn’t–you won’t,” I whisper, pulling back from him, my free hand pushes back the long hair from his face. “Ever.”

I search his eyes, tears have gathered in the corners of them, and I know he’s doing his best to keep them at bay where mine have failed. His thumb comes up to brush them away before resting on my jaw.

“How much pain are you in?” He asks softly, his fingers tracing over my skin tenderly. It was then I realize from the small jolt of pain that my chin must have been bruised.

I shake my head. “Right now, not a lot.” A smile graces the corners of my lips, trying to do anything to get rid of the look on his face. The one that makes me feel weak and fragile. “Why are you sleeping on the floor?” I ask.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, the bed–”

I shake my head, letting go of the hand in his lap and cupping his cheeks, forcing his gaze to mine.

“No more floor.” I want him close. I need him near me and a part of me didn’t care if it hurt to have someone laying next to me. I crave his warmth, his touch, the way he smells. I need it.

Holden leans in, carefully pressing his lips to mine, taking my top lip between his own before pulling back quicker than I liked. “Okay, baby.”

I smile again. It feels good to smile, to see the corners of his mouth quirk upwards from my movement. I want that smile back, the one that sends butterflies soaring in my stomach.

“What time is it?” I ask.

Holden turns his head in my hands, picking up his phone from the nightstand. “Six in the morning,” he rasps again.

The phone light gives me a view of the dark circles under his eyes. He’s exhausted. I can see it and hear it in his voice.

“Lay with me?” I whisper. “Please?”

He sets his phone down on the bed and lifts himself from the mattress, letting my hands drop.

“Lang will be here in a few hours to check on you,” he says as he rounds the bed, pulling back the heavy blanket I’ve been under. “He’s a doctor. Unofficially.”

I raise my brow. “Unofficially?” I ask, smiling and feeling the bed dip next to me as he climbs in.

Holden smiles as he helps me lay back down, curling next to me, careful not to touch me too much. Something that I hate, but I know right now it will be too much and even if I had asked for him to wrap himself up into me, he wouldn’t, only to refrain from hurting me. Instead I settle for him laying close by, feeling his fingertips trace the exposed areas of my skin. I missed his touch. It’s been only a week, but I missed the way the roughness of his hands feel on me.

“He was a doctor. Had his own practice, but his license was taken away.” Holden’s eyes rake over my face as if he’s taking me in and memorizing me.

“You want to elaborate on that?” I ask, my voice straining as I look over at him. His eyes shoot to mine, brows furrowing again.

“Your throat hurt?” He asks gently.

I nod. “Probably from the water. It’s fine.”

Holden watches me for a moment, that pained look on his face appearing again as he looks for the lie. Truth is, right now, the pain, the soreness, none of it matters. What matters is him lying next to me. Him being here, with me. I raise my hand, running the knuckle of my index finger over the crease in his brow to smooth it out before running it down the length of his nose. His face softens with the gesture, just as I’d hoped.

“I’m fine, Holden,” I whisper.

He lifts his head and leans into me, watching me closely waiting for the whimper of pain to fall from my lips and even though it tweaks my side I hide it. My hand wraps around the back of his neck as I pull him to me, pressing his lips to mine. He’s tentative still, careful not to put too much weight on me, but I need more of him.

“Kadence,” he whispers against my lips when I try to deepen the kiss. I hum against him in response. “Baby,” he whispers again, a low chuckle falling from his lips, pulling back from me. “You need to rest.”

He dips his head and captures my lips in a quick, tender kiss before moving to my cheeks and my nose. The movements of his lips, tracing my face with his kisses and leaving them anywhere they can reach open a floodgate of sensations in my chest. I remember feeling the warmth of his lips burning through my cold skin. I realize now that he’s tracing the bruises that litter my skin with his lips. Mapping and marking each one. The tenderness of it all forces the tears back to my eyes with the echoes of his pleas.

I can’t help but whine, trying to hold everything back. He pulls back again, cupping my face.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, kissing away the tears falling down my temple.

“I thought for sure…” I sigh, closing my eyes as my chest aches. “I didn’t think I’d survive that,” I rasp, looking back up at him. “I couldn’t–”

He trails his thumb over my cheek, giving me the time to collect my words as his eyes trace my features. Never pressing or pushing for me to relive that night.

My gaze finds his. “I couldn’t stop picturing your face,” I finally say after a moment, “and how I would never see it again.” I let out a strained sob as I tear my gaze from him. “I remember hitting a log, the little air I had got–”

“Sunflower, you don’t…” Holden buries his face into my neck.

I shake my head. “No secrets, remember?” I feel his lips against my neck, urging me to continue. “The air got knocked from me and when everything went black…I knew if there was a chance that I survived that, I would be done running.”

He lifts his head. “What do you mean?”

I tuck my fingers into his hair. “I don’t care about the car, or it getting fixed. I just want to be with you.” My voice trails off at the end, I’m not unsure. I know that I want to be with Holden but the car. It’s still the last reminder I have of my father, and hearing the words come from my own mouth that I’m ready to give that up for him just solidifies what I already knew deep down.

I’m falling in love with Holden Nash.

“You don’t want to leave?” He sounds shocked but I don’t miss the tiny glimmer of hope that flickers in his eyes.

I shake my head. “No.”

“What about your mom?” He asks, his fingers comb through my hair until his hand rests at the back of my head, bringing me closer. I lean into him, pressing my forehead to his and close my eyes.

“What I told you about my mother was the truth,” I sigh, “She hasn’t been my mother for a long time. Just…the woman who gave birth to me.” I pull back from him. “My father used to say something about family not always being blood, I never knew what he meant until now.”

The corners of his mouth lift gently as his eyes rake over my features. “I think I know what you mean.”

I smile. “I thought you might.” I shift on the mattress unable to help the twist of my face when the pain becomes apparent again. It feels like a thousand tiny pins and needles are stabbing me in every direction. His hand rests on my cheek again, bringing my eyes open to the pained expression on his face. “Please stop looking at me like that,” I whisper brokenly.

“I’m sorry,” Holden replies gently, his fingers combing through my hair again. Something in his voice brings my attention to him again. He sounds…guilty? “I’m so fucking sorry this happened,” Holden continues, shaking his head. “I should’ve just listened to you at Moon.”

“This wasn’t your fault,” I say with a soft shake of my head. “That bridge would have given out no matter who was standing on it. This would have ended up with someone getting hurt no matter where we fought.” I smile.

“I don’t want you getting hurt,” he sighs, lying on his back. “That’s the last thing I want.”

“I don’t want you getting hurt either.”

He rolls his head to the side to look at me again. I’m already looking at him. The man who jumped into a river after me, the man who can make me go from happy and content to irritated in less than two seconds flat. The man that blames himself for a freak accident because he blames himself for every tragedy in his life. Something I can relate to.

“Please don’t disappear on me again,” I whisper, the emotions and pain slowly pulling me back towards their dark tides. “I don’t know if I could handle it.”

The muscle in his jaw clenches for just a moment before shaking his head. “I won’t.”

I search for any sign of deception in his features but find that he’s being sincere. We’re back to making promises I’m not sure we can keep but I would give my last breath trying. He rolls over onto his side again, slowly and careful not to jostle me too much.

“You need to sleep, Sunflower.” the corner of his mouth turns upwards in a sad smile. “We can talk about everything later.”

I know exactly what he means. Later I would relive everything, again , only this time I know it will be the hardest recollection. He’ll have questions. He won’t be able to hide the sadness in his gaze or the frown that freckles his face when he’s upset. In spite of that, I’ll do it if it means keeping Holden. I’ll answer his questions, tell him everything. No more secrets .

He scooches closer to me on the bed, getting close enough that I can reach out to him without straining. Holden rests his hand over my cheek, trailing his thumb carefully over my cheekbone. His eyes rake over my features again but I can see the exhaustion take its toll on him. Through heavy lids and slow blinks, he soon closes his eyes and I follow suit. The warmth of his hand still resting on my cheek grounds me into sleep.

“She’s sleeping, Lang, let her have this alright? You can come back later.”

Holden’s voice filters through the sounds of rushing water in my dream. His voice is muffled but clear as day. My eyes flutter open; the room is brighter now. The light streaming through the window has turned from an early dawn glow to mid-day sun.

Everything still feels stiff. My legs feel crampy and the pain in my side throbs with every breath I take. I roll my head gently to the side, seeing him standing at the door, talking in a low voice with someone on the other side. The sleeves of his henley are pushed up on his forearms, giving a view of the scattered tattoos on his skin. My eyes trail down to his backside. The gray sweats he wears hang off of his hips but strain against the muscles in his thighs. He’s a sight to see after water-logged dreams.

“Lang, I swear to god–” He threatens, his voice rough from sleep.

“It’s okay,” I rasp. Holden’s head whips around at the sound of my voice. The hard look he has softening in an instant. “The doc?” I ask and to his dismay and the frown that blesses his lips, he nods. I smile softly. “Let him in.”

“You need to rest.” His grip on the door falters just enough that a shorter dark-haired man pokes his head through the gap with a dopey smile.

“I’ve rested enough for now, baby. Let him in.”

Holden crosses his arms over his chest, shooting me a look as if to say, fine, but I’m not happy about it, making me laugh softly and wince from the pain. The man grins up at him, pushing past the threshold and makes his way to me.

“You have ten minutes, Shawn.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Shawn mutters as he pulls a chair from the desk in the corner and sits it next to the bed. “Is he usually this cranky?” He asks me through a smirk.

My gaze flickers back to Holden, who’s currently shooting daggers with his burning blue eyes into the back of Shawn’s head.

“He means well.” I smile at him. “So, Doc, tell me. How long do I have to live?”

Shawn’s eyes go wide looking up from the leather bag. “You’re–not…miss..” He stammers his nervous gaze flickering between me and Holden.

I grin, shaking my head. “That was too easy. I’m kidding.”

Shawn lets out a shaky breath and begins pulling out medical supplies from his bag, setting it on the bed next to me.

“It wasn’t funny,” Holden grumbles, moving around to where he laid earlier and sits against the headboard. I glance over at him and instantly regret the joke. His eyes flare with something I can’t pinpoint as he moves the pillow he used to sleep and sets it behind my head. “Up you get, c’mon,” he mutters softly, helping me sit up.

I wince at the sharpness shooting up my side, my eyes never leaving Holden as he helps me get comfortable. I didn’t mean anything by it, but even though his face is masked in a blank look, I know it has affected him. I glance over at Shawn as soon as I feel like I can sit without being in pain. “Sorry, if I don’t joke about it I’ll cry and I’ve done enough crying for now.”

He nods with a smile. “Well, you aren’t dying anytime soon. But you will be sore for a few days.” Lang nods, checking the small cuts on my arms. His eyes rake over my features and lifts his hand to turn my chin but before he can touch me, a low growl comes from beside me.

I turn to look at Holden who again looks like he’s cutting off Lang’s hand with his glare as it hangs midair.

“Down, boy, he’s only trying to help.” My own hand moves to his arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Maybe it would be better if you stepped outside, Holden,” Shawn says, lowering his hand. The air in the room crackles with tension. “Just for me to be able to inspect the bruises, five minutes tops.”

Holden shakes his head. “Not a chance.”

“Then let him do what he needs to do. He’s only trying to help, not cop a feel,” I say, resting my head against the headboard, “or I’ll kick you out.” My voice is firm as his eyes meet mine. “But,” I start as he narrows his eyes. “I’d like to have you here for support, so let him do his job, please .” The last word came out as a whisper.

The darkness in his eyes softens again as he lets out an exasperated breath. “One wrong move Lang–”

“And I’ll lose a hand. I know.” Shawn smirks as he stands. “Now the bruise on your chin will heal fine and you have just a few scratches that won’t scar. You’ll look like yourself in a couple of days.” He stands up a little straighter and motions for the blanket I’m still under. “I’d like to check the bruising on your side and stomach. Without a hospital, we won’t know if there’s any internal bleeding but I do recommend that you get checked by someone soon. I can only do so much here at the clubhouse.”

I nod and pull the blanket back, freezing when his words hit me. “ Wait , internal bleeding?”

“With the extent of your injuries, Miss Andrews, it’s a possibility. From what Holden explained you took quite the fall and we don’t know what happened while under the water.” His eyes soften with the tone of his voice. “You’re truly lucky he found you when he did.”

My brows furrow. “Call me Kade, please, and what do you mean?”

Holden sucks in a breath forcing my eyes to move to his. “You were unconscious when I found you… and not breathing.”

It’s my eyes that go wide this time. “So you…”

“You’d made it to a sandbar by the time I found you. I had to–” His hand finds mine and gives it a soft reassuring squeeze though I feel less than assured right now. Holden doesn’t finish his words, but I know exactly what he means.

C’mon, Sunflower…I need you to come back to me.

His words in my head are faint, muffled and garbled by the sound of raging water and wind but I remember hearing him. Tears sting the corners of my eyes realizing the horror that he went through for us to end up here.

“Oh my god,” I whisper.

“Maybe we should focus on your injuries for now,” Shawn urges, his voice wavering for a moment as his gaze flicks between me and Holden. “You two can talk after?” It’s a question now, but I nod anyway. Holden moves across me carefully and pulls back the blanket.

“Baby,” his voice is soft as he tugs on the bottom of my shirt when I’m still frozen, my eyes glued to the door ahead of me.

I glance over to him, coming back to the present. I move to grab the hem of my shirt only to realize I’m not wearing anything underneath. “I uh–I don’t have a bra on.”

Shawn shakes his head, “It’s okay. Just uhm…” His eyes flicker to Holden, “I only need it high enough to see your ribcage.”

I nod again, tugging my shirt up enough to tuck under my breasts with Holden’s help. Shawn gives me a small tight-lipped smile as I lean back into the pillow. His eyes rake over my stomach, his fingers gentle on my skin as he pokes and prods at me. Holden’s tense beside me, his gaze glued to my abdomen while mine are glued straight ahead and scared to look down. I don’t want to see what a mess my body looks like.

“The bruise on your stomach has definitely darkened,” he starts, his fingers moving gingerly down the side of my ribs, sending a shooting pain to my spine. My hand juts out, gripping Holden’s forearm as my eyes fall closed. “Your ribs are tender, but nothing seems broken.” Finally the torture his fingers inflict stops as he straightens again and sits back down in the chair. “As I said before, I really recommend that you get checked by the hospital for any internal injuries, but I assume you’ll heal just fine.”

“You assume a lot for a doctor,” I say softly.

Shawn laughs. “Well, without the technology, I gotta use my hands and eyes. You’ll be okay, Kade. Holden saved you from a lot of worst-case scenarios.”

I look up at Shawn before glancing at Holden. His eyes have moved from my abdomen to the comforter. I lower my shirt and sigh gently, careful not to irritate my ribs. “Thanks, Doc.”

He nods and begins packing his things back up. “Keep the cuts clean and ice the bruises often. Fifteen minutes on, fifteen off.” Shawn gives me a smile and a curt nod to Holden before moving to the doorway. “I’m a call away if you need anything. Holden has my number.”

I nod. “Thanks, Shawn.”

He excuses himself and shuts the door behind him as he leaves. The room goes quiet as the reality of everything we’ve gone through begins to settle within me.

“How long?” I ask softly, still staring straight ahead but feeling his eyes move to me with the question.

“I don’t know for sure…” he says softly, “two or three minutes maybe.”

I close my eyes, feeling the tears gather in my lower lids again. I’m lucky all I got was a beating to my body. “Thank you,” I whisper again.

“I wasn’t going to leave you,” he says, forcing me to look at him. “Not at the river, not in general…” Holden turns his body to me, picking at the tiny balls of fabric on his sweatpants. “I went to Alabama when I left you.”

My brows furrow. “What?”

“I have an old military buddy. He owed me a favor,” he starts. “He lives in Alabama and I had asked him–” Holden pauses and looks back up at me, “before Marlowe’s, I had asked him to look into you. As a precaution for the club.” I open my mouth but he shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have done that, I know. I just was worried about someone we didn’t know being around all the time and…”

“You wanted to protect the club.” I offer and he nods.

“I know everything,” he says after a moment of silence, letting the weight of his words sink in. “I know what was put into the reports, the ones that are public record and the ones that aren’t.”

“Holden,” I say softly, gnawing on my bottom lip as the anxiety of having to explain everything suddenly seems to be too much, but he stops me before I can finish.

“I’m not asking you to tell me your side…I won’t ask that of you, but I am here when you’re ready to tell me.” His tongue flicks over his bottom lip as he curls his hand around the back of my head, cradling it and tangling his fingers into my hair. “I at least owe you that.”

I stare at him for a moment, wanting to tell him everything but scared at the same time. Scared to relive it, scared that he’ll leave again, and scared that the nightmares I’ve been narrowly avoiding will come back. My mind flickers to the stuffed animal in my luggage. The one that I refuse to give up but haunts me every time my gaze lands on it. I want to talk about him, and I want to remind myself of the happy moments I’ve had learning the little things about him. It’s funny how much you can miss someone you’ve never met.

Even though the fear lingers in the back of my mind, I know when I curl into Holden’s side, ignoring the pain, that the only person I’ll share those things with is him.