29. HOLDEN

HOLDEN

“ K adence!” I scream after her. My body falls with hers, hitting the wood as she hits the water. “No! Kadence!” Everything in my chest feels tight. It heaves, watching the shine of the flashlight hit the water, the pitch-black water camouflaging her body below the surface.

She was so close. I had a fucking grip on her hand and the goddamn rain let her slip from my reach. I’m already soaked from the storm but I stand, tearing off my jacket and cut, tossing them to the ground. I stare down at the water, acutely aware of the quickly passing minutes I’m wasting. I know these waters, I know the bends and curves in the river, but with the storm and the water being higher than it normally is, it’s going to be difficult for me to be able to find her.

I’ll be damned if I give up on you.

Her words echo around me, taunting me. It only takes one flash of the look in her eyes to force me over the edge of the bridge. The air in my lungs dissipates as soon as the frigid water hits my skin. I fight for the surface, waiting until the current breaks enough that I can swim upwards.

I never thought I’d be thanking my military training until the moment my head breaks the surface and I gasp for air, filling my lungs.

“Kadence!” I yell again, a part of me knowing that she won’t answer but on the off chance that she’s okay, that she’s just made it to the surface. I have to scream for her. The current has picked up again, sucking me under. I open my eyes, trying to see anything within the bubbles and spray.

I only need a pocket, a spot in the river that isn’t as strong as the rest. That’s where I’ll find her. That’s where I hope I’ll find her. My body slams into a log, forcing the air from me. This is my chance. I quickly wrap my arms around the log, holding on to it with everything I can.

My eyes sting from the rushing water as I press my boot to the wood, pushing off with all my strength and forcing myself upwards, breaking the surface just for another gasp of air before the current takes me further downstream. I move with it, kicking and fighting to keep above the surface. My eyes quickly scan the water and the treeline. Until I see it.

Something light colored within the darkness on a sandbar ahead of me. My heart hammers against my ribcage. It’s got to be her. I don’t know what I’m going to do if it isn’t. Why did I go to Alabama? Why the fuck did I leave her? Blinded by my anger, blinded by the mistrust I have in people. I couldn’t stay. I did what I always do and ran. Ran to get answers instead of hearing her out. Instead of trusting her, instead of keeping my fucking promise, I left .

I push my way through the current, getting over to the sandbar. She’s lying face down, her dress the only thing that caught my eye in the darkness. When I walked into Moon it was the first thing that caught my eye. My stubborn girl. In her purple dress and combat boots. I’m not sure if I wanted to kill her for wearing something like that in public or kill the men around her whose eyes she had been completely oblivious to. Now? Now I’m thanking the stars for a damn piece of fabric.

“Kadence!” I climb onto the sandbar, crawling to her body.

The tightening in my chest returns when I realize that she isn’t breathing. Her back isn’t rising and falling with her breath. My hands hover over her for a moment, scared to touch her. Scared to find out that this is it. “Kadence, baby–” My throat tightens as my hand falls on her back. She’s cold. So fucking cold, but I hold it there for a moment pulling myself together before rolling her over.

Her lips are a terrifying shade of blue and her skin–I dip my head to her forehead. Her skin is so fucking pale. I feel that familiar sting in my eyes as I slide them closed. “Don’t do this to me,” I whisper to her. “Please, just– fuck , don’t do this to me.”

I lift my head to look at her again while the rain pelts against my back, stinging and unforgiving. My training takes over as my palms cross over each other in the center of her chest. Pain shoots from my wrist to my spine and it's only now I realize how fucking sore my left shoulder is from the jump. It takes everything in me to ignore the pain and start compressions. I focus on my hands, forcing myself to count instead of focusing on her pale frame. One, two, three – I continue until I reach thirty and tilt her head back, plugging her nose and pressing my lips to hers, blowing a few breaths into her and waiting.

“C’mon Sunflower,” I plead, continuing compressions again, “I need you to come back to me.” I start counting again, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen– tilting her head back, pressing my lips to her cold ones, blowing again.

I don't know how much time has passed but I repeat the process. Compressions, breaths, compressions, breaths. Pleading to her in every moment her chest doesn't move.

My heart stops the moment she finally splutters. Her eyes shoot open before she starts throwing up water and sand. I lift her shoulder, rolling her onto her side as I cradle her in my arms. "C'mon baby, get it out," I coax, my voice shaky and hoarse.

She finally coughs and lets out a pained groan. Her arms lift to mine wrapped around her holding on to me with whatever strength she has left. Her grip is weak and her fingers are barely a touch on my skin, doing nothing to quell the twisting ache in my heart.

"Cold," she whimpers as her green eyes slowly open to find mine. We're both shaking at this point but she buries against me stealing any warmth in my bones and right now I'd give her anything she needs. "It--hurts--" she rasps, her eyes fluttering closed again.

“No, baby, open your eyes for me. Please.” I move my hand to her cheek, turning her face to mine. “Baby, please,” I whine, kissing her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, “please open your eyes.”

They flutter open again and I can’t help but smile when her brows furrow and I get a glimpse of those green eyes again.

“Atta girl.” My lips press to hers before moving to her cheeks again. “I need to get you outta here.” I glance up looking around. “I’m gonna need you to work with me, baby, can you do that?”

My eyes find hers still glued to me though it felt like she was looking through me. Her expression blank. "Baby?" I slide my hand to her throat, feeling for her pulse as a whimper falls from her lips. My eyes close in brief relief, she was okay, at least for now. Her heartbeat is still weak but it was there and her chest was still moving as she sucked in shallow breaths. That's all I needed, just... for her to keep fighting.

"Alright, Sunflower, this is gonna hurt, baby, I'm sorry."

I shift my weight in the soft sand, the water still raging around us. The rain is still coming down in sheets making it hard to see but I can make out a clear line to the trees, shallow enough to trudge through. I slide an arm under her knees and the other under her arms before lifting her to my chest. She lets out a whine so sharp it pierces through me, tugging on what little strings I have left.

"I'm sorry," I whisper into her hair, holding her head to my chest. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I start carrying her towards the treeline. I can make out the dark shadow of the bridge in the distance even with the rain, thankful we didn't travel too far down the river. There aren’t many trails on this side but I know of one. I just have to get there. I shifted my weight evenly on the sand, trying my best not to fall with her in my arms. Flashbacks of carrying Fisher through the desert filter through my mind. Everything felt at stake then.

When you're in a situation like that it's a miracle that you end up leaving alive. That walk was blistering, the sun beat down on us as I carried him through enemy territory. But this? There is more at stake here. It isn't just my life or Fisher's I have to worry about. Yeah, I wanted to get us both out alive, but even then it was expected for us to die. For us to end up on a quick fifteen-minute memorial on the news, which, knowing the government I worked for, would have never happened.

I fought then, but the fight I had in my heart was nothing compared to what I’m feeling now and a part of me hates myself for it. To hold her life in such high regard that this feels more important.

My chest is heavy, my legs ache, and my shoulder feels like it's on fire but I know it's nothing compared to what she is feeling. The further I get through the trees and towards the trail, the more promises I begin to make to myself. Never to let her go. Never to leave her again. I'm done running from the things that scare me.

I glance down at her. Her eyes are still closed but her chest is moving. She’s still breathing. Keep going. Do not fucking stop. I warn myself. I won't ever forgive myself if I give up now.

The minute my feet hit solid ground I book it. Careful of the downed branches and mud-holes until I reach the pull-off. I'll have to come back for my bike but right now I don’t give two fucks about it. I look through the windows of the tow truck, searching for the keys, and see them sitting on the seat. Good girl , I think.

I pull open the door and carefully lay her on the seat before sprinting to the driver's side. I know I should take her to the hospital but the closest one is over an hour away and I don't have that kind of time. The shitty truck heater is my only hope right now of getting any heat to her body. I flip it on high, fix all the vents in her direction, and start down the road, the tires digging into the mud and gravel. My teeth chatter until town comes into view and my jaw clenches hard enough to stop it. Determination burns in my veins as I fight through the weather to get her back to the compound.

I quickly peel into the parking lot on squealing tires and park. There's a group of prospects walking towards me with concerned looks and brows raised. I throw the door open and bolt to the other side of the truck. Wyatt pushes his way through to the front of the group with wide eyes and my heart flickers seeing the kid. "Go get Cole, West!"

"What happened?" He yells while jogging to the truck as I help Kadence out. His eyes go wide as he looks through the window, seeing her limp form. "Is that…?"

“Go, Wyatt. Now!” I bark and shift her body in my arms. Her groans dig deep under my skin. "I know, baby, you're okay, you're gonna be okay." I promise over and over again until Cole bursts through the door of the clubhouse with Dex and Blake on his heels.

“What the hell happened?!” Cole yells, his eyes going wide upon seeing her.

“She followed me to the bridge,” I mutter, pushing my way past Cole. “She needs the Doc.”

“She doesn’t need Lang, Nash. She needs a fuckin’ hospital,” Cole growls, following behind me. I hear a gasp come from Blake as we pass her and Dex.

“Open the fucking door, Cole!” I rumble turning to him. “She needs to get warm, the hospital’s too fucking far away!”

Cole glares at me, shaking his head and pulls open the door. “Take her to my room.”

“Fuck no,” I spit, moving into the clubhouse. I can hear the parade of footsteps behind me while moving down the hallway, pushing into the room I use whenever I stay here.

“Nash!” Cole’s voice echoes down the hallway after me.

I kick open the door to the bathroom and carefully set her in the tub. Ripping the shower curtain off the rod and tossing it aside, I lean over and turn on the water, making sure it isn’t too hot and just warm enough that it won’t send her further into shock.

“What the fuck happened?” Cole asks from behind me as the tub fills.

I push past him, tugging on the dresser drawers and tossing clothes onto the bed, not even sure what I'm pulling out. Anything at this point was better than the wet clothes we were both wearing. "Did you call Lang?"

“Dex is on the phone with him now. He’ll be here.” Cole moves back this time as I pass him and go back into the bathroom to kneel next to the tub and take her hands, rubbing them between my own. I push back the hair from her face. A whimper leaves her as she leans into my touch and her eyes flutter open again.

“You’re safe,” I whisper, trying to give her a comforting smile.

Kadence nods, her eyes flickering to Cole as she slips into the water a bit further. Her dress hugs her skin and I know I’m going to have to change her. It’s only in the light of the bathroom that I’m able to take in the full extent of the bruises and cuts on her body. Her arms are torn up from the fall, bruises tattoo her arms and her chin.

“Nash,” Cole pushes, “what happened ?”

I lean into her, pressing my lips to her forehead. “I’ll be right back,” I whisper against her skin before standing and shooting Cole a look that could kill.

It isn’t his fault. None of this is Cole’s fault. I have to remember that, but my anger needs somewhere to go. I walk back into the bedroom tearing off my shirt and grabbing one of the ones I tossed to the bed. “She followed me to the bridge.” I answer like it explains everything.

“You said that.”

“The bridge gave out and she fell into the water. I had–” I pause, sucking in a breath and squeezing my eyes closed as the image of her falling flickers in my mind. The terror on her face, the way she screamed my name. It would haunt me. “I had to go in after her,” I finally say.

“Why the fuck were you out there anyway? You were supposed to go to the club and bring her back here!” Cole's voice raises as I pull the shirt over my head and turn back to him.

“I did go to the club, Dex was–it looked like,” I mutter, shaking my head. I’m fucking stupid for thinking Dex had touched her that way. I saw it, but I saw it through a haze of red.

Cole shakes his head. “So you ran. Again.”

I stare at my best friend. Again . I’m tired of hearing the word. My gaze flickers to Kadence. “Yeah, and I feel like a fucking asshole for it, for all of it, so put away your high horse, O’Neil.”

“You’re lucky she’s fucking alive, Nash! Do you know what happened to her? Before you ran off to god knows where?” He snarls, taking a step towards me. “Do you?”

“I went to Fisher’s,” I say almost defeated, my gaze never leaving Kadence. “So yeah, I know.”

“You drove to Alabama?”

I nod.

“You know what was in the reports, but you don’t know what she experienced,” Cole says as if he knows something I didn’t. I saw the hospital records and the photos of her skin. I even read the police report from the night her world changed.

“Does she know you know?” He asks.

I shake my head. “No.”

Cole lets out a hollow laugh, glancing back at Kadence. “This is on you. Everything that happened tonight is on fucking you .” He turns back to me. “You don’t leave. Again.” He bites through a clenched jaw. “You make this fucking right and you let her tell you what happened.”

“You don’t think I know that?!” I boom, tired of his lecturing. “You don’t think I know that the reason she’s half dead in that bathtub right now is because of me? I don’t need you to tell me that, Cole, I fucking know it. You didn’t have to carry her lifeless body through the fucking forest to get her here!”

“Hey!” Wolfe’s voice interrupts. “Cole, get the fuck out.”

I glance over seeing him in the doorway. His face is stone and his jaw locked. “What the fuck do you want?” I sneer at him. “You wanna tell me how much of a fucking idiot I am too?”

Dex narrows his eyes at me before tossing a glare to Cole.

“Take a walk, Cole, now, ” he growls, not warning him again.

Cole moves past me, smacking his shoulder into my own before leaving the room.

“You two need to get it the fuck together tonight ,” Dex seethes. “Whatever the hell is going on with you two is damaging the club and it’s going to get someone fucking killed.”

“Tell that to him.”

“I’m telling that to you, Nash,” he counters. “Neither of you seem to have a coherent thought when you’re having a pissin’ contest about who is more high and mighty.”

“I know I’m not high and mighty, Wolfe.” I turn to him. “Do you?”

Dex tilts his head. “Who the fuck do you think gave her the keys to the truck?”

Guilt flickers in his eyes, and I feel it in my chest. “Why did you do it?”

Wolfe moves to the bathroom doorway, watching her in the tub for a few moments before turning back to me. “Because you two are the most stubborn fucking humans I’ve ever met and I’m the one who told her not to give up on you.”

My brows furrow. “Why? Why not just move in on her yourself? You two looked pretty cozy at the club.” I shake my head, regretting the words as soon as they fall from my mouth. When the fuck did I become so fucking insecure?

Dex shakes his head “Because I’m not the one she’s in love with, Nash.” He says it as if it should be so obvious to me but all it feels like is a punch to the gut. “You know she went searching for you after you left?” Wolfe crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the door frame. “Took her to Moon thinkin’ you might be there. She stood up to Layla for about five seconds before Layla started suggesting she work at the club to get your attention.”

I card my fingers through my hair, gripping the root. “Why the fuck–”

“Because she loves you. I don’t know why and I don’t even think she realizes it. I don’t know what happened between you two that you both are now tethered, but she does and she was ready to give that up because you ran.” He pauses. “Kadence needs sturdy, Nash. She needs someone to stand by her when shit gets tough, not someone who runs away when a minor inconvenience shows up in his path. She had that and worse… and she ran .”

My eyes find her again through the doorway. The water has probably cooled off by now and I know I need to get her out of there, but I’m frozen. She doesn’t deserve this. Doesn’t deserve the constant flip flop of emotions I deal with.

“When that car is fixed, what do you think she’ll do?” He asks, getting my attention. I hadn't thought that far. I knew she wouldn't go back to Florida, but maybe she would leave all of this behind, and right now, I wouldn't blame her if she did. "If you want her to stay, you have to show her that. Quit runnin' because she never gave up on you and I have a feeling she won't wait around again for you to come back if you do."

I consider his words as Wolfe pushes off the frame and moves towards me. "Be that rock for her because I can't--" He pauses, forcing my gaze to his. Something in the way he says it sounds like Wolfe wants to be that for her. "I won't be your stand-in anymore, Nash."

Dex moves past me. “Get her changed, get yourself changed and get her in bed. Lang will be here soon.”

I watch the door shut behind Dex. Was she in love with me? Better question: was I in love with her? I had never felt this conflicted over someone before. I never felt as angry as I did the day I left. I should have let her explain, should have stayed even if what she had to say hurt.

The moment I opened the folder Hank had, my world tilted on its axis. I spent the whole ride home going over every detail. Every mark ever left on her body that was hidden and the ones that weren't. I was going to tell her. I had planned to go to Moon, bring her back to the clubhouse and tell her that I knew. I needed her to know that weight was something she didn't have to carry alone anymore. That I was sorry for leaving, but what she didn't know was that I hadn't given up on her. I just needed the proof. I needed something other than her words to prove to myself that she is who she claims to be. But all I'm learning is I need to trust her. I should have trusted her.

A whimper from the bathroom gets my attention again as I race to her side. Her eyes are open again, giving me a soft smile that shatters me. Cracking my resolve as my emotions get the better of me. I try to hide it as I drain the tub and reach for a towel, wrapping it around her and lifting her into my arms. I get her to the bed, afraid of saying anything as I lay her down. Dex's words run through my mind over and over again.

Kadence went after me. She didn't have to and I half expected her to be gone when I got back to town but she was here. Her things still scattered over the small apartment, her scent still lingering in the office when I went to search for her. It was then I realized how much I missed her. How much I failed her by leaving.

I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe.

The promises we made replay in my mind, echoing behind Wolfe's. I'm going to keep them. I failed tonight, forcing her to come after me. Instead of going to her on that bridge I let her come to me, almost needing her to come to me, and she did. Not once did Kadence back down from my warnings or threats for her to leave me. It should've been me in that water tonight. It should have never been her.

I carefully peel off the soaked boots from her feet before sliding the dress from her. Cradling her head in my hands.

"I'm sorry," I whisper when a soft whine leaves her. Those green eyes look up at me again. Not a trace of anger or sadness is weaved into those flecks of gray.

I take in the smattering of bruises and cuts her dress has hidden. There is a particularly nasty bruise that lines her ribs. Tears I was having a hard time holding back fall. Her body is mangled and almost every part of her has a cruel spatter of purple and red marks that litter her skin.

“ Fuck ,” I breathe as my face crumbles. Kadence lifts her hand and rests it over mine. Using what little strength she has she links our fingers, her eyes never leaving mine. “Why did you do it? Why not just leave me?” I beg.

The corners of her mouth quirk up gently, her head lolls to the side towards me as I kneel down next to her on the floor. Her lips part trying to say something, and finally, with a pained breath, she says the words that completely crumble what little resolve I have left.

“Because it’s us–against the world.”