57. Mal

57

MAL

I was an idiot.

A full-blown fucking idiot for pushing Doe away and now I was basking in my regret. The woman loved me. So goddamn much that it nearly brought me to my knees after reading Blue's Words.

I spent hours reading through every entry. From the beginning to end, I was captivated by her words, angry at myself for how much of an asshole I was to her, and at the end, remorseful for not forgiving her when I knew that I should have.

I was too prideful, too stupid to realize that she was the best thing to happen to me and I was foolish enough to let her slip through my fingers.

Her lies were only to protect me. To save me from this downward spiral that I was in and now, I was right back in that state of mind and it was all because of me.

That's what I was best at, though—pushing people until I had no one. And for the rest of the night after reading her many entries, I laid in bed awake, waiting for an answer from some unknown force on what to do because my head was a mess.

I was beyond torn.

Desperate to go to her.

Then thinking she would be better off without me.

But as if I was struck by a bolt of lightning, my fears of losing her bombarded me.

Her heart.

Her fucking heart that I wish I could magically fix, I was forced onto my feet by the intensity of not being with her forever. Of not giving us a chance. To do life with her. To have babies… I realized I'd be such a fucking idiot if I didn't man up to my mistakes and tell the woman I love that I was sorry for hurting her.

That despite everything, she was mine and I was hers, and that's why I was on my journey back to Sutton. Not giving a shit whether I missed practice or not, I had immediately gotten into my car at exactly midnight and drove through my exhaustion.

After only one stop for gas and another for a damn energy drink, I was finally approaching the place that I swore I'd never return to. Emotions and memories immediately came flooding in and I did my best to keep them at bay but it was a nearly impossible task. Especially since I decided there were two important stops that I needed to make before I found Doe.

Both terrifying, but it was time I faced them.

Seconds later I was pulling into my first destination. Already, I felt like I couldn't breathe, but I knew I needed to do this.

I fucking had to.

Putting my car in park, I reluctantly got out and was hit by the smell of freshly cut grass.

Sutton grass.

It had a distinct smell that brought back so many memories that I found myself walking toward my favorite goddamn memory there ever was.

Hayes.

His headstone was slightly faded but you could tell that someone came here every day to make it look nice by scrubbing the stone and leaving fresh flowers.

Fuck.

Stopping directly in front of the painful words, Hayes Decker, my eyes slammed tightly shut.

Instantly, I hated myself for not visiting him. For not coming to him when I knew that I should have. Over the past eleven years, why didn't I?

Before I knew it, I felt a single tear stream down the side of my face.

"God, Hayes. I'm the worst goddamn best friend ever." I shook my head as I became disgusted with myself. "There's no excuses for why I never came to see you and I'm so fucking sorry."

Still, my eyes were tightly closed and I felt like I didn't have the right to open them.

"The day I left Sutton, I made a promise to myself that I would never come back. And for so long, I was able to keep that promise," I began to say but my thoughts began to veer off. "I knew that it should have never been you on that hospital bed and to this day, I wished there was a way that I could've traded places with you. I would've given anything to have you here, instead of me."

Crouching down low, the pain of it all was becoming too much. Like I was suffocating from all the grief and emotion that I refused to deal with all those years ago.

I was finally dealing with it.

Finally fucking accepting it.

"You are and always will be the best person I know, Hayes. And I'm the luckiest person alive to have been able to call you my best friend." I laid my palm onto the top of his headstone and let out a sigh.

"Your Blue brought me to you. Without her, I'd be…" Shaking my head, I imagined the dull, empty life I'd be living if she would have never showed up. "Fuck, I'd still be miserable, pretending as if everything was okay, but she brought me back to life."

Finally I opened my eyes.

"She's the best thing that happened to me and I know that she'll always be your girl, Hayes. I can accept that. I just want to make her happy. I want to make her smile on days she feels sad. I want to make her laugh with bad jokes and mindless conversations. I want to be the one she comes to when she's overwhelmed and needs someone to lean on. I want to be that person for her, I know I don't deserve her, but I promise every day to be worthy of that woman." I confessed as more tears began to fall.

I wasn't expecting an answer.

I wasn't expecting anything, but seconds later, I felt a shift in the air. One that made me widen my eyes and look all around. Of course there was nothing there, though, but instead there was a sense of calmness that settled over me and had me relaxing.

Maybe he knew I was here.

Or maybe I was just crazy, but for some reason, I felt like I was given an answer.

I couldn't help but laugh.

God, I missed him.

So much, and with one final touch to the headstone, I rose up onto my feet.

"I hope you can forgive me one day. I love you, Hayes," I whispered up into the sky before walking back to my car with a feeling of relief washing over me.

Now it was time to face the ones I left behind all those years ago.

I just hoped they wouldn't hate me.