56. Wren

56

WREN

Blue's Words

Blog Entry #11:

I'm sorry that I disappeared and I'm so sorry if I let anyone down. I thought I was someone who is strong, determined, but it turns out I'm nothing more than a coward who hurts the ones I love the most.

In the end, my lies had caught up with me and I lost the most precious thing in my life because of it. In my attempts at protecting him, in the end I only hurt him.

So much so that I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.

In a world that I had lost hope so many times, I thought I had found my happily ever after.

But I lost it.

I lost him and now I have to live with that pain for the rest of my life.

If you're still here, reading this, just know that I appreciate every single one of you. I'm so sorry if I disappointed anyone, but just know that I'm disappointed in myself too.

I don't know when or if I'll be back.

I need some time to work on myself.

I hope you all understand.

I hadn't spoken to Alice since I left for Seattle. Already, I had felt like a shitty person for lying to everyone I loved, but the realization that I never once contacted Alice during all of this made my chest cave in.

I hated that I didn't reach out to her.

Not even to talk, not even to ask for advice that I know she would give in a heartbeat, but instead, I became too wrapped up in Mal and everything else going on, I forgot about one of the most important people I've ever known.

With sluggish, unsure steps, I climbed up the rest of her front porch until I came face to face with her white door.

Already, I wanted to cry in relief from the sight of it.

Even if she was mad at me, at least I'd have the comfort of being near her again.

Then lifting my hand, I softly tapped my knuckles against the door until I heard the faint sounds of her footsteps approaching.

"Who is it?" she shouted from beyond the door, causing an instant smile to hit my face.

God, I missed her voice.

"It's me." My voice cracked.

There was a brief moment of silence that had my heart pounding.

"Who's me?" she asked as if she couldn't recognize my voice. For some reason, that hurt.

"It's me, Wren."

Another chest-caving second of silence greeted me.

"Wren who?"

Sighing, I knew she was now messing with me, but it still hurt to hear.

"Alice, please…" I begged quietly. "Can you please open the door so I can talk to you?"

A rumble of unknown words echoed from behind the door and soon she was unlocking it and opening it until I could see the very tips of her slippers peeking out.

"Sorry, I think you may have the wrong house. I don't know a Wren."

I couldn't see her face yet, but in her tone, I could tell she was severely pained by my lack of staying in touch. I hated that I had hurt her in the process, and I hoped that by coming here I could apologize and make amends, but I wasn't so sure it would be a quick or easy thing.

"Look, I know you probably don't want to see or hear from me right now, but I just wanted to come over to apologize. I was wrong by not reaching out to you. I can only imagine what you were thinking and how worried you were, and I was selfish in that aspect."

The door was still partly opened, but I had yet to catch a sight of her face.

"In the end, I hurt a lot of people that I love and care about and I'm so sorry that you were one of them. I became too caught up in what I was doing and… I… I didn't expect for things to happen the way they did. And now I just feel broken. Like I let everyone down, including myself."

Within seconds the door was opening and finally Alice stepped outside and reached for me.

"Oh, calm down, Wren." She pulled me into her arms while I began to fall apart.

"I'm so sorry, for everything," I cried into her hair. "I should have called you."

She brushed her fingers through my hair soothingly.

"You should have, but it doesn't matter, Wren." She continued to stroke my locks. "It may have hurt my feelings, but I know whatever you went through in Seattle must have made it hard to talk to me."

"So much happened and I was terrified to tell anyone." I cried into her hair. "It wasn't your fault, it was mine."

I continued to cry until it physically hurt and I had to stop.

"You were right. All that a misunderstood man needs in his life is a woman who can understand him."

Her hand paused on my head as she pulled back and peered into my puffy, red eyes.

"Oh, honey."

She knew.

"I fell in love with him, Alice. And now, I ruined him with all my lies."

Her eyes fell somber from my confession and soon enough, I was being pulled into her house where she urged me to sit down on the sofa.

I willingly dropped down as she disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a cup of warm tea.

"Tell me everything, Wren," she begged softly as she handed me the cup and took the spot next to me.

After taking a much-needed sip, I let out a breath that I had been holding in and told her everything.

From the very beginning, to the middle and the end, I confessed to everything and how in the end, it was me who destroyed any hope of a happy ending for Mal and I.

She listened the whole thirty minutes of my nonstop talking and not once did she look upset. Instead, she watched me with sympathy in her eyes.

"Look at me, Wren," she demanded once I had finished admitting to everything. "You're human. You make mistakes like everyone else in this world. That doesn't make you any less of a person." She slowly laid her hand on top of mine and squeezed. "You lied to Mal because you wanted what was best for him. You wanted him to reunite with his family because you knew he needed that. You knew the Deckers needed that, and if that made you the bad guy of this whole scenario, then so be it."

She raised her chin then took the hand she had on mine and brought it directly under my chin where she gently propped it upward.

"And you lied about your heart because you didn't want to hurt that man any more than he already was. In my opinion, all I see are the reasons why I think you are the strongest woman I know, Wren."

I couldn't believe after everything, those words were falling out of her mouth and being directed at me. I didn't feel strong. If anything, I felt the opposite, but of course, she didn't stop there.

"And no, I already know what you're thinking in that head of yours. You are strong. Stronger than me, stronger than anyone else I know, and I know… I know that whatever you two shared in Seattle is not over," she reassured me. "Like you said earlier, all that a misunderstood man needs in his life is a woman who understands him, and since I know you're that person for him, no way is he letting you go."

Tears clouded my eyes as I hoped her words were true.

"Trust me."