31. Wren

31

WREN

Blue's Words

Blog Entry #7:

I'm sorry that I haven't updated you all in a few days. I see all your comments. I see all your questions, I just didn't have the words to respond with yet.

My emotions were all over the place as I was dealing with Hayes's death anniversary and for the first time in years, I didn't have the support of those who I was usually around on this day.

I struggled finding any peace that day, and whenever I tried to imagine all of the good memories, I was flooded with the pain of him not being here.

But when I thought I'd have to deal with all of it on my own, someone came to me.

Someone who I did not expect and for the first time, I saw a side to Mr. Hockey that I never thought he had. He was secretly the most gentle, kind, caring human being I've ever met and even now as I'm writing this, all my prior thoughts about him have changed.

He was there for me when he didn't have to be.

He held me when he didn't have to.

And I knew it would be a moment that I would never forget.

Even if I wanted to…

S eeing Mal get hit, I felt as though my heart dropped into my stomach. The second I watched him make contact with the ground, my immediate reaction was to go to him. I was ready to rush out onto the ice to make sure he was okay. I didn't care if I would have slipped or fallen and gotten hurt myself, or gotten in trouble by the officials.

All I knew was that it wrecked me to see him get hurt.

He soon walked off the rink with a few other players holding him up, but once he was past my line of vision, I had no idea what happened to him or where he went. The game then restarted without him, leaving me in a mess of confusion and worry.

The thought of going to find him overwhelmed me, but I wasn't sure whether he'd want to see me or not. Especially knowing he was injured. I wouldn't put myself in that position to be blamed or yelled at by him.

So, I ultimately decided to wait until his anger and frustration settled to check in on him.

It was nearing the end of the first period and luckily we were up by two goals, thanks to Vince. He was on fire tonight, so every chance I could get, I tried to get videos of him. At one point, he'd even noticed me recording him and tossed me a wink over his shoulder as he skated past the glass.

I chuckled, knowing instantly that the video would be a hit.

Once we were halfway through the second period, my mind wandered over to how Mal was doing. Whether he was okay or not. I went to check my phone and realized I had four texts waiting for me and they were all from an unknown number.

Unknown (18:16): Where are you?

Unknown (18:29): Come to the physical therapy room when you get this.

Unknown (18:34): I know you're getting these messages, Doe…

Unknown (18:56): Please?

My heart sunk from his last message. He only said please when he really needed something and gathering from his text, he was desperate.

Desperate for me.

Although I felt skeptical, I couldn't brush off the feelings of concern. To the point my stomach was in knots every second I stood there not making any moves to go to him. To make matters worse, he'd sent the texts almost forty-five minutes ago.

I was sure my lack of response added insult to injury, making the connection we had the other night completely useless now. I could only imagine what he was thinking. What he was feeling and just how lonely he was sitting in a room where only uncertainty of the future could be identified.

He was there for me when I needed him. I didn't even have to ask because he was always thinking of me.

Worrying about me.

Yet, when he needed me, he had to resort to begging. Pleading. And I felt horrible about it.

Mal should never have to ask for someone to be there for him. He should never have to beg for it either. Someone should always just be there. Supporting, comforting, loving, it's what every person needs and deserves.

Despite all the circumstances of our pasts and maybe even the present.

Though I wasn't exactly confident in myself and what I was about to walk into, I decided it was time to finally face him. Without replying to any of his messages, I made my way toward the therapy room. It had taken longer than it should have to get there, but I blamed it on the nerves for the grandma-like pace I had. Even as I stood just outside the door, I couldn't find myself to do it.

A frosted glass window on the center of the door was the only thing separating Mal and I at the moment. Flutters of tension broke out like an unwanted disease throughout my body and I had a feeling that it wouldn't go away anytime soon. Just standing out here, I could feel the negative energy seep through the bottom of the door and fill the air around me.

Extremely uncomfortable.

But it was also heart-wrenching.

With zero desire to remove my hands from my pants pockets, I reluctantly pulled them out of their safe place and went to open the door. Then ever so slowly, I turned the handle, anticipating and waiting for what onslaught of words I'd get thrown at me by Mal.

My eyes had even closed briefly as I prematurely flinched from the squeaking of the door, thinking it was something else entirely. What that something else was, I had no idea, other than it could have been Mal.

Once I had the door fully opened, it didn't take long for me to find Mal. Sitting alone on an exam table, his jersey and shoulder pad were gone, leaving him in only his pants, shin pads, and skates.

His back straightened the second he noticed me. Immediately, his face went dark with fury as his eyes clashed together with mine. Though it was the reaction I was expecting, I was hoping for something less angry and intimidating. Especially after everything we shared with each other the other night.

But of course it was just wishful thinking.

"Where have you been?" He had tried pushing himself off the exam table with his good arm, but a low hiss of pain poured out of him, causing me to rush over to his side.

"Jesus, Mal. Don't try to get up, you're hurt," I berated, not thinking twice about his mood or what he might say in return. My eyebrows were pinched together as I glared down at him, but in no way did he look affected by my wrath.

Instead he looked torn.

He looked broken.

His dark hair was slicked back in a messy sort of way as if he'd been constantly raking his hands through it. But it was his tired face and defeated gaze that shredded at the pieces of my heart.

"I've been texting you," he said on a grunt as he leaned back slowly. The sudden movement made it extremely difficult to keep my focus solely on his eyes and not drift down toward his naked chest. Every curve and muscle was on display, but as much as I was tempted to get my fill of him, I couldn't.

It didn't feel appropriate given the circumstances of everything.

Despite the flutters and tumbles in my belly, I redirected my energy toward his wrapped-up shoulder and frowned.

"Are you okay?" I went to reach for him, but quickly pulled back my hands, fearing that I might further injure him.

The worry in my tone and the mistake of trying to grab him must have done a number on his ego because immediately, all the anger he had toward me completely vanished.

Just like that.

"Do I look okay?" he said through gritted teeth as his head fell back and his eyes slammed shut.

Okay, maybe he still was angry with me.

"Not really, no." I shifted awkwardly on my feet. "How badly are you hurt?"

"Enough that I'll be out for at least a month."

Shit.

No wonder he was in a mood.

"Will you have to…" I began to say before Mal interrupted me.

"Don't," he growled as his eyes sought out mine. If I thought he looked broken before, he looked even more shattered now. "No more questions. No more talking about my shoulder or fucking hockey." Grunting, he shifted himself to the side of the table, leaving more room on the other. "Sit," he encouraged with the nod of his head, causing my heart to flip.

"What?"

I took a small step backward, eyeing him like he was crazy.

"Sit with me," he demanded again. "Please."

I knew after that there was no way I was going to get out of it. Not that I wanted to anyway, but I was hesitant.

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you…"

"You won't. I'd be more hurt if you didn't."

I sucked in a sharp breath, feeling its effects hit me hard. Statements like that, coming from Mal, should come with a warning. They were so powerful that I couldn't tear my eyes away from his.

"Okay," I responded with a breathy whisper that in no way sounded like me at all. As I climbed up, he lifted his arm into the air, and it immediately hit me what he wanted. He didn't just want me to sit next to him, he wanted to put his arm around me and hold me.

Like last time.

"Mal…" I stopped halfway and glanced at his raised arm before looking back at him.

It was different being alone with him in my room, but here, anyone could walk in on us. Anyone could see us together like this, and the thought made my stomach turn.

"Don't make me beg, Doe." His voice was raw and unfiltered.

Low and demanding.

But while his words weren't begging yet, his eyes were.

"Okay, just… tell me if or when you're in pain. I don't want to be the reason for any further injuries you have."

I reluctantly climbed up the rest of the way onto the table before sliding in next to Mal. I made sure to keep a safe distance from him, but the second he lowered his arm onto my shoulders, I was yanked close to his side.

So close that I was partially lying half of my body onto his.

At first, I remained stiff and unsure. Scared that any sudden movement I'd make would hurt him. Especially now that I was pressed up against his bare side, but if anything, he seemed more content by my closeness.

More at ease.

"Does this feel okay? Am I hurting you?" I asked while resting my head below his shoulder blade. His skin felt warm against my cheek. A soothing kind of heat that had my eyes closing from the feel of him.

And just when I thought things couldn't get more complicated between us, I felt his cheek settle directly onto the top of my head.

"You're fine, Doe. Quit worryin' about me."

I couldn't help it, though.

Just like how he couldn't help but worry about me.

It was instinctual.

"I could say the same to you."

He grunted in response.

"Why'd you ignore my texts?" he finally asked as if it'd been eating at him to know why.

"I was busy, Mal," I said instead of telling him the truth that I didn't see his messages until later. I didn't want him to know that if I had caught his texts earlier, I would have come immediately.

Maybe still with a little hesitancy, but I would have come nonetheless.

"Too busy to come to me?"

"I didn't want to make things worse for you and I especially didn't want to be on the receiving end of your anger," I confessed, and I knew I'd be in for it the second I felt his cheek disappear from the top of my head. So, I took the opportunity to look at him as I pulled my head off his chest and continued. "I know you're hurting just as badly on the inside as you are on the outside, Mal. But I have no clue how to help fix the inside of you. I don't know how to be that person because deep down, I know you don't want that."

His eyes never left mine.

"And I'd be a fool to pretend to be that person."

There was a pause. A long one too that only intensified the tension in the room until finally Mal responded.

"Listen to me, Doe. You don't make things worse. If anything, having you around makes everything easier. And if I ever make you feel like that again, fucking tell me and I'll apologize." With eyes heavy and intense on mine, he meant business. "And I am hurting. I'm confused, outraged, scared, but I don't expect you to fix it. I don't expect you to have all the answers for me and to fix all the fucked-up broken pieces of me despite how badly I wish that you could. No one can fix me, Doe, but if anyone in the world could be that person, it would be you."

I couldn't help but gasp.

I had no idea what to expect from him, but it wasn't that. It wasn't words that had my heart seeking out his.

"And you're right, I do fight it. I fight it every day, telling myself that you're not mine and never will be. But I'm a selfish motherfucker, so when I text you saying that I need you, please… just come to me."

It was the desperation in his tone. The way his eyes held on to mine as we exchanged what could only be described as a once-in-a-lifetime feeling.

"Mal…" I said his name in more of a plea. Almost as if telling him that if he continued, I didn't know if I'd be able to handle more.

Especially being surrounded by everything Mal. His scent, his body, his warmth, I was under his spell entirely.