26. Wren

26

WREN

Blue's Words

Blog Entry #6:

My best friend is having a little baby boy. I couldn't be more happier for her and the little family she created. We celebrated over the weekend, and although I knew it was going to be hard, I didn't anticipate just how hard it would be.

Seeing her so happy and in love… I envied her.

I knew that my feelings were valid, I just wish I wouldn't have felt so bitter on her special day.

Please tell me that's a normal response?

If it weren't for Mr. Hockey showing up, I would've been a mess of emotions the rest of the day. He listened to me. Talked with me as if he actually wanted to be with me.

Making me feel better. And I think that maybe… That there was a moment where he could have, or wanted to… Kiss me. But I could be wrong and I probably was, but I feel like if he would have tried, I wouldn't have pulled away…

E ach day that passed became more confusing. Mal still watched over me, of course, and pretended like we were destined to be enemies, but lately here, I'm finding out that might not be true anymore. Ever since he chased after me at Kate and James's gender reveal party, our relationship seemed to have taken a shift. He stares at me longer and heavier than usual. I even from time to time catch him smiling at me for no reason. It's a sight to see but before I can even react to it, it quickly falls from his face.

A part of me yearned for more of the comforting Mal. The one who talked to me when he didn't have to. The one who was worried about me. It felt nice having a conversation that didn't end in an argument for once but he had yet to talk to me again.

It was beyond frustrating.

But I promised myself I wouldn't make the first move. I was tired of getting my hopes up for nothing, and ending up with a crushed ego.

More than just that, I felt like I was letting everyone down every time I failed. One step forward and two steps back. That's what it felt like with him.

As I laid in bed, with my mind racing and the time well past when I should have been asleep, I heard the faint sound of my phone vibrating. I barely had the energy to reach for it, let alone answer it, but I somehow did.

"Wren?" Shelia said, and instinctively, my eyes closed.

I should have known it was her calling, but my head was elsewhere at the moment. I tried my best to hold it off, but it was preparing itself for a day of heartache and endless tears.

Every year was the same. A tradition we created. A few hours before midnight hit, Shelia would call me. Checking in, seeing how I was. It was her way of telling me that she was here for me.

"Hey," I responded, my throat suddenly hardening.

"Hey, sweetie. I've been missing you."

Shit.

Already, I could feel the oncoming of tears.

"I've been missing you guys too," I admitted as my eyes closed shut.

"Are you doing okay?"

I sighed.

"Overall, yes, but today, not really."

I heard a soft sniffle and realized that she was already crying. Every year for the past ten years I had been with her on the anniversary of Hayes's passing, but not this year.

This year I was here, and I felt desperate to hop into my car and go to her.

"Have you eaten at all today?" she asked as I couldn't help but laugh as her typical mom-like question.

"A little, but don't worry. I have my day all planned out."

"Okay, good," she responded but little did she know my day involved laying in bed all day as I cried for the man I lost and dreamed of a life where he never left me.

"Promise me that you'll be okay? Both you and Greg?"

She chuckled on a broken sob.

"We'll be okay, Wren. We're just going to stay in today and go through some of Hayes's old pictures."

God, I wished that I was there.

I loved all their family photos and every moment that they had captured of him on camera. It made me feel even more close to him.

"That sounds perfect." I let out a sob.

"Oh, Wren…" Shelia joined me in tears and soon we were both crying.

"It's been eleven years and I still miss him like crazy," I confessed. "I swear, it never gets any easier."

"It does, baby. You just don't realize how much you've grown and overcome after all these years."

I knew she was right, but it just didn't seem that things were any easier. If anything, as I got older, I realized just how badly I wished that Hayes was here to experience life with me.

To get married. To have babies. Something that he and I would never have.

"On this day, I no longer mourn the death of my son, Wren. I celebrate the wonderful life I had with him and how lucky I was to have had him as my son."

Another choked-up cry escaped from my mouth.

"I know it's hard to look at this day in that way, but it's the only way I can make it through it without falling apart."

My heart shattered for her and I knew Greg had to have felt the same.

"I know, and I'm trying my best to have that mindset. It's just…"

"Hard, I know."

For a moment, there was silence, other than the occasional sniffle and wipe of our faces.

"If things get too hard for you today, don't hesitate to call me. If you need us to come to you, we will," Shelia offered, causing me to smile.

"I'll be okay, I promise. I wouldn't make you guys drive all the way here."

She scoffed.

"We'd drive anywhere for you, Wren."

And a part of me already knew that.

They'd do anything for me, and after saying our goodbyes, I did my best to hold it together. For as long as I could anyway, and then I knew it was inevitable that I was going to break.

So on a broken sob, I did.