25. Mal

25

MAL

N ow I remember why I became so fucking crazy when I would see Wren cry. It rattled my brain and heart and all I wanted to do was fix it. I didn't know how, but I at least had to try.

For Hayes's sake.

For your sake too.

I chased after her through the house until she made it out onto the front lawn. I feared that she'd make it to her car and try to escape, but instead, she made a sudden stop in the grass. Only a few feet behind her, I came to a halt.

"Doe…" I called out, but she didn't acknowledge me.

With her back to me, I watched as her shoulders dipped up and down, until she dropped her whole body onto the ground, where she cradled her knees against her chest.

Fuck.

I knew this would happen.

Before, I wouldn't have hesitated to put my arm around her, but now, I wasn't so sure what to do. The status of our relationship—friends? Enemies?—it was all still up in the air and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her even more than I already had. I hadn't touched a woman in years, let alone try to comfort one.

Tugging on the collar of my shirt, I mentally scolded myself for wearing this stupid-ass outfit. I should have worn what I always wear, but something told me to make an effort today.

An effort for what? I had no fucking idea, but I did it and I hated it.

I slowly began to creep closer to her. One foot in front of the other, I ate up the distance between us. Without any words to say, without any sort of plan, I took the spot next to her on the grass. I put a good amount of space between us, enough to give her room to breathe.

I couldn't look at her just yet because I knew if I did, I'd resort back to the old Mal who'd do anything to not see her cry. So as I peered off into the distance, I mentally prepared myself for what I was about to witness.

In and out, Doe and I took breaths that had soon fallen in sync. Hers softer, mine heavier, they soon became one.

She knew I was next to her, and just like when we were standing side by side only minutes before, she still kept her lips tightly shut. Either pretending I didn't exist or trying her best to ignore me.

This was what I wanted, right? Have her hate me. Ignore me. Find me as a miserable, undeserving human being, then maybe she might actually leave.

I thought it was what I wanted. In a way I still did, to save her from all my bullshit and the suffering that came along with it. She didn't deserve that.

No one does.

For a long time we just sat here. I could still hear the sniffles and the faint sound of her sleeve being wiped across her cheeks. I was fucking clueless, though. So out of my realm, I contemplated getting up and leaving. Nothing that I would say would make a difference anyway, but there was no one else I'd want her with right now besides me.

I could feel her pain. I could understand the depth of it and even after all this time, it still hurt the same. If I could take it all away from her, I would in a heartbeat. But I wasn't even remotely close to being that person that could help her. Despite whether I wanted to be or not.

A woman like her could never lean on a man like me.

"You don't have to sit here, you know," Wren announced with a tired voice that had my body going rigid. "I don't know why you followed me or why you're even here."

She may have been sad, but she still kept her sass.

"I know I don't have to. And I'm here because my teammate invited me. Is that good enough of an answer for you?"

I glanced over at her and once again was blindsided by her beauty. Purple, blue, green, she'd make any color on her head look stunning, but the pink… I couldn't look away from her. Even with her swollen eyes and puffy mouth, she stole the air right from my lungs.

"Not really no," she grumbled. "I have a hard time believing that anyone would have invited you."

My mouth twitched.

"Don't you have better things to do than to make me miserable and spoil what is supposed to be a happy day for everyone?"

I didn't expect her words to hit me like a punch to the gut, but they did. Was that how she saw me? Was that why she was upset and ran off, because I was spoiling this day for her?

I didn't want to think that was why, but my gut feeling was telling me otherwise.

"I'm sure I have better things I could be doing." I grunted. Now suddenly annoyed, I ripped my stare away from the side of her face and looked ahead. "But I'm here. And I'm glad to know you think so fucking highly of me."

From the corner of my eye, I saw her head swing over in my direction.

"Can you blame me? You've been nothing but a complete ass to me. Telling me to leave and that you don't want me in your life and now suddenly, I have you trying to hold my hand and chase after me? I don't understand you, Mal! No one understands you, and I'm so tired of this back and forth. Either hate me or don't. Just for once… Make up your mind about me."

My heart had gone into a frenzy by the end of her short speech. In that moment, I wanted her. To pull her into my arms and quiet her with my mouth. Kiss her until she'd surrender and everything would go calm. Our minds, the pain, everything would go away if I tasted her.

Even just for a moment.

But I knew I couldn't and instead, my irritation had doubled in size. I was angry and confused that I wanted her. Furious that she was getting to me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Even as her gaze was now fully centered on me, I could see the frustration. Red-rimmed eyes and all, she appeared to be at a tipping point.

And it was now my fault.

"I can barely deal with this." She motioned toward herself and her tearstained cheeks. "Let alone you right now."

"Do I make it worse?"

Caught off guard like she wasn't expecting the question, she just gawked at me.

"Do you make it worse?" she repeated. "Of course you do, I just don't know how to get rid of you."

Again, her words had punctured but I couldn't let them affect me. She was overwhelmed, upset, and my presence wasn't exactly helping the situation.

"Would that make you feel better? Me leaving?" I asked.

"Yes," she responded firmly, before she went back to peering off into the distance. I knew I should have taken that as my cue to leave her alone, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed beside her.

I was being selfish.

But I knew I couldn't leave her alone.

"No."

The word came out quiet almost like she said it in defeat. At first, I thought my ears were playing tricks on me. I even stole a glance at her to see if she had said it, and when her eyes had collided with mine, I had gotten my answer.

"I just don't know why you chased after me," she admitted. "Or why you felt like you needed to. "

"You were upset. I'd be an asshole if I didn't make sure you were okay."

She gave me an insightful stare. One that was meant for dissecting every word and every move I made to get an answer.

Good luck, Doe.

"You want me to believe that you did this out of the goodness of your heart?" She raised a blonde brow in question, drawing me toward the tiny little wrinkles on her forehead. "Were you worried about me, Mal?"

My eyes narrowed on her. Slight amusement spread across her features and with the tilt of her mouth, my heart rate sped up.

Her makeup was smudged all around her eyes and cheeks, and I still had yet to find anyone more alluring than her.

"Why are you crying, Doe?"

Her smile slowly fell away and her demeanor shifted. I saw a haziness in her eyes that told me she was beginning to shut down and maybe even close herself off from me. I felt somewhat responsible, but I needed her to let it all out.

"Am I crying?" she joked on a cry as she wiped at her face and dropped her left cheek onto the tops of her knees. "Any tips on how I can be more like you and never cry?"

"Trust me, you don't want to be anything like me."

She watched me curiously and suddenly I was brought back to when I first met her. In the hospital elevator when she looked mortified that I had caught her watching me.

"In moments like these I do."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed.

"In moments where I should be happy."

"You looked pretty happy to me back there."

And she did. Until the blue smoke came and the tears began to fall.

"I was," she said. "I mean, I am happy."

She cursed under her breath.

"Then why are we out here?" I asked as I searched into her eyes for answers. "Something happened back there for you to run like that."

The corners of her eyes were beginning to fill with tears. I fucking hated it, but I had no other choice other than to keep pushing.

"Don't you get overwhelmed, Mal? Hearing and seeing way too many things at once and it just becomes too much to handle?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"Well, does everyone have a breakdown at their best friend's gender reveal party?"

The tears began to cascade down her cheeks.

"I'm going to go with no, but if they did, I'm sure there was a good enough reason."

She laughed. A short, almost broken one.

For a moment, we didn't speak. Instead, we just watched each other. Where it may have come off as weird, it definitely didn't feel like it. It felt normal. Getting lost in her eyes felt natural.

Like I had been looking at her my whole life without knowing it.

"Do you think you'd ever want kids?"

Fuck.

I wasn't expecting that at all. I don't think the idea of having kids had ever crossed my mind.

Until now.

"I guess if I did, I'd better get on with it before I get any older."

Her eyes widened.

"Does that mean you want them?"

My chest tightened as I had no idea how to respond.

"I… I don't know if that would ever be a possibility for me."

"Why not?"

I gave her a half smile.

"I'm kind of missing a key part in creating these so-called kids."

Her brows went inward in confusion.

"A woman."

Someone like you.

"Oh, yeah." Her cheeks went red and my smile grew even more.

How the fuck was she doing this? Making me smile? Making me feel? I felt out of control of my own body and she had taken the reins.

"Well, there are plenty of prospects out there for you. According to the comments on the Orchids' TikTok page, you're very popular with the women."

I didn't give a shit about other women or what they were saying about me on social media. I didn't want them.

Instead of answering, I just shook my head.

"Oh, don't tell me you don't know that every woman out there wants you? Trust me, I see it firsthand at your games."

"Oh yeah? And what do you see?"

I'm amused now and somehow, the shift to this topic has stopped her crying. Though I wanted nothing to do with this conversation about other women, I'd do anything to stop her from crying even more.

"Well, there are the signs they hold up. ‘Marry me, Malachi', or my favorite one is, ‘Malachi, can I hold your stick?'" She chuckled, causing me to shake my head with a grin.

"Those are the types of women we tend to stay fucking far away from."

"Easy targets for a baby mama, though."

I wanted to cringe. That's the last thing I wanted or needed.

"And what about you, Doe? Do you see kids in your future?"

The second the words came out of my mouth, I wished I could have taken them back. I waited for her reaction, or even a change in her manner, but it never happened. Instead her smile had gone somber.

"I never thought about it until recently. Hayes…" Her voice cracked and it nearly killed me.

The mention of his name and the pain that was laced with it.

"Hayes and I never had the chance to talk about kids. I think… I think maybe he would have wanted them."

I couldn't speak, so I just listened.

"He would have been a good dad. I think he would have loved it."

"He would have." I nodded and forced my eyes away from hers. It felt wrong looking at her when she was in such a vulnerable state. Talking about Hayes and babies.

I felt like I didn't deserve to hear any of this. Certainly not after the way I'd been treating her.

"I think I could have loved it too."

Could have.

For a man who had trouble with his emotions, my heart had splintered from her pain. Of course she would have had a family with Hayes. And of course she would have loved it. That was Hayes's girl.

His.

Even after all this time, she would always be his.

My throat hardened. It was a constant cycle of right or wrong. Wanting Doe and knowing that she would never be mine. Everything was a reminder of why I needed to let her go.

But I knew damn well I couldn't.

Especially at times like these.

"Will you tell me something about yourself? Something no one else knows."

I looked at her.

"Why?"

She shrugged her shoulders on a short smile that barely reached her eyes.

"If you're here to help me because you're worried, then help me," she demanded. "I could really use the distraction."

This was her pleading with me. Asking for my help, and I knew I couldn't deny her. Though I felt like I was put on the spot, I gave in anyway.

"I… uh, I started to read last year. Wasn't really into it when I was younger but I decided to try it one day. Can't seem to stop now." I ran a palm through my hair as I felt my face burn up.

"Really?" She stared at me in disbelief. "What types of books?"

"Oh, uh, thrillers and sometimes the occasional history novel. I guess just whatever I'm in the mood for."

I'm sure I looked like the furthest thing from someone who enjoyed reading. Even I had a hard time believing that I was a book kind of guy.

"Wow. I, uh, didn't expect that." She chuckled.

"Yeah, now don't go around telling anyone," I grumbled. "This was purely for your ears only."

She was clearly amused now.

Distracted.

Just what she wanted.

"Oh, I won't. I had this oaf of a hockey player tell all of his teammates that I'm off limits so now they will barely talk to me." There was obvious annoyance laced within her voice, but there was something else there that made my heart speed up.

A smile.

"An oaf?" I laughed. "Seems like a pretty smart guy, if you ask me."

"So smart. Must be from all the books he's reading now."

We both laughed.

It felt good knowing that I was one who did that. I was the one who had distracted her. The one who made her laugh that beautiful, one-of-a-kind laugh.

I never wanted it to end.

I never wanted this moment to end.

As our laughter fizzled out, an awkwardness had now filled the air. It was palpable, but even more so confusing.

With her head now lifted off her knees, she looked like she was ready to stand.

Ready to leave this moment behind her.

"Well, I should probably head back in." She motioned her hand toward the front of the house behind us. "Kate's probably wondering where I am and…"

"Yeah, no problem." I nodded, wishing we could stay like this a little longer. I wasn't good at this. Whatever this was, and it fucking showed. She looked like she didn't know what to say to me and I hated that.

"Oh… okay, yeah. Um, well, thank you." She gave me a quick glance that had felt like an eternity.

I nodded.

"Anytime."

Anytime you need me, I'll be here.

On the tip of my tongue, I was about to remind her of the smudged makeup on her face. There was no time, though, as she was intent on leaving. So, reaching my thumb out, I went to wipe away the mixture of tears and makeup off her face.

I was granted the first swipe.

The pad of my thumb slid just below her eye. Slowly. Cautiously. I tried my best to remove it, but became too lost in the feel of her skin.

So damn soft.

But just as quickly as I had wiped away remnants of her sadness, she ceased the moment by standing.

Shit.

Her back was to me and I knew she was busy wiping away what was left on her face.

I wanted to look back. Tell her what I did was a mistake, but it wasn't. It was the furthest thing from a mistake. I followed her inside, but I didn't.

"Hey, Mal?" she said from behind me, causing me to turn around a little too eagerly.

"Yeah?"

" The Woman in White . It's a thriller I read a while ago. Not sure if it would be something you're interested in, but maybe you could…"

"I'll check it out," I answered quickly and again too keenly. I couldn't help it, though. I was under her spell from the short time we've been out here.

I'd do anything she asked or wanted.

"Okay, cool." She smiled back. She hesitated a few seconds as if she wanted to say more. Then with the quick, unsure wave of her hand, she spun back around and disappeared back into the house.