27. Mal

27

MAL

I f there was one thing I could remember that was bullshit about going to therapy was when they told me to embrace Hayes's death. That by embracing it could help me heal and grow.

The last thing I wanted to do was to fucking embrace the death of my best friend. During that time, I could barely accept the fact he was gone, let alone try to find peace with it. Even now I still struggle with it, but I've learned that overtime I could no longer pretend like this day never existed.

That the life he lived was no longer important.

Because it was. And every year, everyone should be reminded of it.

Reminded of him, because Hayes Decker was here.

Eleven years ago today, my best friend died and not a single day passed where I wasn't thinking about him.

Practice had ended a little early today, and as I walked around in search of Doe, I couldn't find her. She wasn't in the cafeteria, locker room, stadium, she was nowhere to be found and immediately a sense of worry struck me to my core.

Where the hell was she?

A foreign feeling of panic swept through me and within seconds, I was charging back toward the locker room where I found James.

"Where's Wren?" I asked as he put his arms through the holes of his shirt and glanced at me.

"Why do you want to know?" His smug brow lifted and on a silent growl, I glared.

"She's not here and I'd really like to fucking know where she's at."

His eyes never wavered from mine and then on the drop of his shoulders, he answered.

"She's at our house. She took the day off." His expression went from amused to serious. "I think you know why."

Then realization had hit me.

She wasn't here because she was busy crying her heart out over the man she lost all those years ago.

Fuck.

My heart clenched painfully for her.

On a deep exhale, I nodded.

"Thank you," I whispered but it came out more like a grunt. Then before I could turn around, James had spoken.

"Don't let her be alone today, Mal. Go to my house, tell Kate that I let you come over, and go be with her."

My chest contracted with how badly I wanted to go to her. To make her feel better and hold her while she let it all out.

Damning the consequences of what may come out of it, I nodded in his direction and left with the purpose of getting to Doe.

I knocked profusely on the door, damn near ready to kick the fucker in until it had finally opened. I was greeted by an angry-slash-confused, pregnant Kate who had her arms crossed over her chest.

"Mal? What are you doing here?" she questioned.

Slightly out of breath and anxious as all hell to get inside that house, I peered over her shoulder for any sign of Doe.

"I need to see her," I demanded.

"See who?"

Jesus Christ.

"You know who, Kate. Your husband told me where to find her."

I admired her resistance to let me in and the obvious protectiveness she had over Wren. I was glad she had someone else besides me who was looking out for her, but right now, I needed to get to her.

At least to see if she was okay.

"James told you?" She dropped her arms to her sides as her eyebrows pushed together. "That fucker," she grumbled under her breath.

"Kate, please. I know you don't like me, but I need to see her," I begged. "I need to know that she's okay."

She eyed me skeptically as if she was unsure of my intentions. I couldn't blame her, though. I'm sure they've had many conversations about me, mostly negative.

"Why should I believe you?" She leaned against the door, blocking the entryway.

Fuck, I thought Wren was stubborn…

"Because," I rambled, not wanting to admit my true reasoning. Either way, she wouldn't believe me. "Hayes would want me to check on her." Her eyes widened in shock at the mention of his name. "He'd want his girl to be okay."

His girl.

My words must have gotten to her because the scowl she once had was now replaced with a frown. As if she knew I was right, or maybe she decided that Doe really did need me.

I highly doubted it, but once she gave me a curt nod of approval, I exhaled in relief.

"Please don't make her upset," she pleaded. "Just for today at least."

Just for today? My chest caved in. I knew I was an asshole, but hearing it from someone else telling me not to hurt the girl I couldn't stop thinking about nearly brought me to my knees. It did something to my heart. A ripple of pain that wouldn't go away.

"I won't." I swallowed past the lump in my throat before following her inside.

My eyes immediately went into search mode, going from left to right in hopes she might be close by.

"She's upstairs. Second door on the right."

Nodding in her direction, I had given her a quick thank-you before rushing up the stairs where my heart rate began to triple in beats. I had no idea what I was about to walk into. A replay of the night in the hospital? Maybe worse? I had no way of knowing or preparing.

And whose fault was that?

Maybe if I had reached out to her I would have known. Yet, here I was, eleven years later checking in on the girl I had left in the past.

Funny how things worked out…

Once I reached the top step of the stairs, I was thrust down a hallway where my eyes immediately connected with her door.

I paused.

Already I could feel the shift in the air. Seeping up underneath the small gap on the bottom of the door, I could feel her sorrow filling the space around me. So palpable, and so damn heartbreaking, I slowly waded through the thickness of the air until I stopped in front of her door.

Then gradually lifting my hand, I gently rapped my knuckles onto the door.

"Doe, it's me." I continued a few more knocks until I stopped to listen for any sounds or movement. At first, I didn't hear anything. It was eerily quiet in her room, until finally she had responded back.

"Go away, Mal." Her voice sounded full of anguish, like she's been crying for hours.

I hated it.

"Can't do that."

I heard a faint groan on the other side of the door.

"I don't want you here."

I know you don't, but I don't care.

"Sorry, I can't hear you. You're goin' to have to open the door and tell me to my face." I tried a different tactic but of course, she wasn't falling for it.

"I swear to God, Mal…" she grumbled quietly to herself. "How the hell did you even get in here anyway? Did you break in like you broke into my car?"

The side of my mouth raised up.

"It's not breaking in if your car is unlocked and you don't steal anything. And no, I didn't break into Hendricks's house. But, if I had no other way to get up here to you, then I would have."

She then went silent. It lasted over a minute or two, until finally the sound of the door handle turning had me taking a small step backward. Slowly she began opening the door and soon stopped, creating a small gap where I still wouldn't be able to see her.

"What are you doing here?"

I tried peering through the tiny slit, but couldn't make out anything of significance. Only a partial view of a bed and a lamp.

"Making sure you're okay," I answered, hoping she'd believe me.

"And why would you do that?"

"Why don't you let me in and I'll tell you?"

I guess I hadn't thought about the idea of her not letting me in to see her. I figured after our talk at the gender reveal, she'd be more open to me.

Or at least, she'd realize that I wasn't the complete asshole I make everyone believe I am.

"Nice try, but no."

She went to close the door but with my reflexes still being like they were when I was younger, I stopped it with the quick jab of my foot.

"Don't do this. Don't shut me out," I demanded on a heavy breath. If I had to beg on my knees, I would, but I didn't think my ego could handle the rejection.

Not from her.

"Please, just move your foot," she implored, now turning more desperate. "Today is not a good day and I don't have the energy to deal with you."

"Maybe I want to be someone you can deal with on days like these."

I couldn't believe I was admitting that, but there was no way I could take it back now.

I had no desire to anyway.

"You don't even know what you're saying, Mal."

"I know exactly what I'm saying." Placing both palms onto the door, I slowly dropped my head in between my outstretched hands. "And I won't take it back either because I know that's going to be the next thing coming out of your mouth."

I could hear every breath and sigh that she let out. I was driving her mad to the point she began pushing on the door again.

"Jesus, can't you take a hint already?" She shoved harder, but my foot wasn't letting up. "You can't just barge your way back into my life and act as if you have a right to be here on this day. On this fucking day, Mal."

Jesus, I was losing her.

I was losing this battle as her temper seemed to have toppled over.

"Wren…" I warned, but she wasn't done yet.

"You want to be here for me, now? Right now?" she shouted. "Where were you the past ten years, huh? Where were you when I could barely sleep at night? Or when I couldn't even leave the house without crying? Where were you?"

Before I knew it, she was swinging the door open and throwing her fists at my chest.

"You have no right to be here." She seethed through her teeth as she continued to pound her frustrations out on my chest.

And for a couple minutes, I had let her. The pain she was distributing on the outside of my chest was nothing compared to the torture she was creating on the inside.

"Of all days. Of all the fucking days, Mal!"

Pink hair was flying in every direction and her frantic motions made it difficult to see her. Her shouts were now turning into sobs as her hands seemed to lose the motivation and strength.

"Doe…" I went to reach for her hands but she quickly reeled away from me on a heavy scoff.

"Oh, so I'm Doe now?"

She brushed back the hair that was in her eyes and nothing could have prepared me for what I had seen. Her whole face was clouded in immense sadness. Swollen, puffy eyes and cheeks so raw from tears, they looked sore to the touch.

Hours she had been crying in this room.

Hours she had been in pain.

It nearly ripped me apart to see her like this. And right now, I was only making this worse.

"You always are." I took a hesitant step inside her room as she watched my every move.

"I hate that stupid nickname, just as much as I hate seeing your stupid face right now," she grumbled through her tears.

I didn't take it personally. Instead, I took another hesitant step toward her.

"I know you do."

"And I hate that you're here." She crossed her arms over her chest. "So much."

Another slow, small step.

"I know, and I'm sorry I won't leave, but you know that I can't."

She then broke out in a mixture between a laugh and a cry.

"You won't or you can't? Which is it, Mal?"

Up until now, I was able to meet her stare. I was never the one to look away first, but right now, I could barely handle it.

The intensity.

It made me feel crazy on the inside. It made me want to flee from all these emotions I wasn't used to, but Doe was reasoning enough for me to stay.

"I won't," I admitted.

The statement shifted everything. Even the energy in the room had hit a point where only silence and deep breaths could be heard. No words were needed yet. Only the realization and acceptance of what I had just confessed.

"I won't leave you because I think you need me." I used her same words from the day on the plane. I may be struggling with the idea of needing her, but I knew more than anything that she needed me.

At least right now she needed me.

Her watery eyes found mine and soon recognition had hit her. Her swollen lip wobbled along with her tiny frame as she slowly dropped her arms from around her waist. She looked overwhelmed by my words and for a moment, I thought she might refute my honesty.

I waited for what felt like hours. Desperate for any sort of reaction because I was afraid I might grab her before she said anything. The longer I stood there, the harder it was for me to pretend like I wasn't nervous.

Because I fucking was.

And I hated it deeply.

I hated the warped feelings that were currently flowing through me and it had been years since I had felt anything similar to it.

She was the center of it. The cause. The one denying factor that drove me to insanity. Even now, I felt as out of control as she did.

On the brink of combustion.

Then, when I could no longer handle the silence, I opened my mouth.

Ready to beg.

Ready to plead for some sort of truce.

"Doe…"

In a flash, she was jumping toward me. Her arms taking purchase around my neck as she held on to me for dear life. I had no time to process what was happening or think twice about the consequences. Instead, I let her bury her head into the crook of my neck where she let it all out.

More tears.

More sadness.

On instinct, I wrapped an arm around her waist while the other cradled the back of her head. The beating of her heart was suddenly a reminder of how tightly pressed up against me she was.

I was then transported to that day eleven years ago. Me trying my damn hardest to comfort her the best I could while trying to hold in my own rage and disbelief. I pulled her in tighter as it all came flooding back.

All the reasons why I decided to leave and never look back. All the restless nights.

Maybe she'd been right all along.

Maybe it wasn't just her who needed me.