29. Silas

Convoluted.That's the only word that comes to mind right now. It's how I feel. It describes pretty accurately the situation I find myself in. It lays down every single fucked up thing about my life. Convoluted.

I keep trying to strong-arm my way through the thoughts that plague me, trying to find a way forward. But there is no way forward. How can there be?

I lie in bed, watching the light change as dawn breaks. I'm going to get an early start over to Savannah, to have as much time with my girl as possible. The thought hurts. It's a tightening noose around my neck. I know that sooner or later, I'll fuck up. I know that sooner or later, I'll put a foot wrong. We'll be discovered.

What that will mean, I still don't know.

I surrender to thoughts I shouldn't. Thoughts of a future we'll never have. Being together, every day. Never needing to sneak around and say goodbye. I even imagine her pregnant, her belly round with my child. I never wanted children, and in a world like this it wouldn't be right to have one. But the thought of Juliet's swollen belly, knowing I put a baby in there, my baby, another piece of me…

Convoluted. I shove the blankets aside and get ready for the day. I'm determined to do exactly what I told her yesterday - focus on the now. Because I can never guarantee her anything else.

I find Juliet leaving the shower block, and usher her down the side of the buildings towards the trucks. She remains completely silent as I hide her in the backseat of the truck, as we go through the gate. The guard waves me through without a second glance, and I breathe a sigh of relief as the gate rolls shut in the rear view mirror.

There are trees down along the highway, and I maneuver carefully as we navigate our way from the compound. It's still in sight when Juliet's scent begins to fill the car, and I look in the backseat.

My heart nearly leaps straight out of my ribcage. She's lying on the backseat completely naked, her legs open, her fingers swirling over her clit. Her eyes meet mine and she grins. "The road, babe."

I tear my eyes away from her, and narrowly avoid hitting a tree that's down on the road. I hiss out a curse, and Juliet laughs breathily before letting out a moan.

"You should be careful," she says. "They can still see us from here."

I grit my teeth and growl out my frustration. "You're a fucking tease you know." I adjust the rear view mirror so I can see her cunt, wet and glistening as she fucks herself. "Get that cunt nice and wet for me, angel. I want to see you dripping for me."

The convoluted feeling is gone, replaced with the feral desire to fuck her senseless. Jesus fuck, what she does to me. I can hear how wet she is. I look in the mirror, and her thighs are shaking.

"Don't you dare come," I growl. "You stop before you come."

She's panting, her hips lifting off the seat. "Oh fuck, I need you inside me."

We're almost out of view of the compound. Another half mile, and I'll fuck her and fill her up. I'm so hard I can barely focus on the road. I take the turn, and count down the distance, the trees becoming thicker around us.

As soon as I know we're clear, the tires squeal as I pull off the side of the road. I've barely brought the car to a stop when Juliet is clambering over the seat and into my lap. She fumbles my trousers open, pulling out my cock and lowering herself onto me as she kisses me greedily.

We're nothing but teeth and tongues and moans, her sweat dripping down her back as she swings her hips on me.

She leans back against the steering wheel, giving me the perfect view of my dick slipping into her cunt over and over. It's mesmerizing, her body stretched out in front of me, her hands braced against the roof of the truck.

"Fuck you're perfect," I murmur, gripping her hips, forcing her further down onto me. Her tight heat envelops me down to the base of my cock, and she cries out. "Are you still sore, angel?"

"Yes." One hand runs down the flat plane of her stomach, and she flicks two fingers over her clit as she continues to ride me. "I never want to stop - fuck - stop being sore from you."

I roll her nipples between my fingers, causing her to gasp and thrash. "Good. I want to fuck you raw every day. Fill every single fucking hole with my cum every day."

Her high-pitched whimper fills the truck, and she slams herself down on me as her pussy contracts around me. I hold her hips steady as I pound myself into her, fucking her right through her orgasm. She moans my name and claws at me, faltering and pressing her tits to my chest.

"Bite me," she pleads breathily.

My balls draw up tight as I sink my fangs into her neck, and white heat explodes through me as she screams my name. I keep coming, and coming, riding one wave after another as her blood warms my throat and my cum fills her cunt.

The sun beats down on us through the windshield as she catches her breath. My mouth releases her neck reluctantly, but she stays on my lap, keeping me within her. She wraps her arms around my neck, and kisses me slowly. We stay like that for a long time, so long it starts to feel like some sort of dream, hot and euphoric. I never want it to end. I want to stay like this forever.

But finally, she lifts herself off me, slumping into the passenger seat. Her thighs are splayed, her skin flushed, her hair a tumble of glistening gold around her shoulders and over her breasts. My perfect, cum-soaked angel. She tips her head, her face filled with satisfaction as she gazes at me.

"How many times can we do that today?" She asks, stretching.

"As many times as possible."

She giggles and reaches back for her clothes.

"Uh-uh." I pull her back into the seat. "You stay like this."

"Silas." She regards me with wide eyes. "You want me to just sit here naked while you drive?"

"Yes. I want you on display for me. All day." I lean over and scrape my fangs along her jawline, making her shudder deliciously. "You sit there with your legs open like a good little whore, and let me touch you however I want."

"I could sit on your cock while you drive,"she says against my lips with a grin.

"Don't tempt me." I tuck myself away even though I'm hard again, and gun the engine. Juliet obediently sits next to me, watching me as I navigate back out onto the road. Her hair glints in the sunlight, and her scent is so strong in the warm air I have to pull over and fuck her twice more before we make it twenty miles from the compound. After the second time, with her sweaty hair bunched in my hand, my chest pressed to her back, she laughs breathlessly.

"We're never going to make it if we keep doing this."

"Well at least the vamps won't smell you," I mutter into her ear. "Soaked in me as you are."

"Good thing I get those depo shots, huh?" She giggles, clenching her thighs together as I pull out of her. "You'd have me pregnant in a second otherwise."

The image of her swollen belly that I conjured up in my bed this morning swims in my mind's eye. And the convoluted feeling comes back. I wipe a hand over my face, brushing away the sweat.

"It's not that easy for a vamp to get a human pregnant, actually." Why am I saying this? What the fuck does it matter? But the image won't let me go. That hard, round belly… Without thinking, I reach between her legs, pushing two fingers inside her as she squeaks, her body shuddering.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"I don't want anything leaking out" I murmur, nibbling her on her earlobe. "I want you full of me, remember?"

She laughs, gasping as my fingers curl and push further. "You wanna get me pregnant, creep?"

"No." I don't. I really don't. But fuck, I want a lasting piece of me in her, something that binds us forever. "Just marking my property."

"Your property?" She screams as I sink my fangs into her shoulder, her pussy clenching my fingers, heat flooding both of us. When I release her, she's shaking, sweat beading and running down her back.

"R-red." She stutters. "Red, red. I can't… Oh fuck"

"It's OK, angel, I've got you." I pull her into my arms, stroking her inflamed skin gently, licking over the puncture holes in her shoulder. "You"re so beautiful, you know that?"

She can"t talk, she's trembling violently, her whole body overstimulated. I reach through the seats to the dash and retrieve a bottle of water.

"Here, you need to drink." I hold the bottle to her lips, and she sips it down carefully. "That's it, angel. I'm sorry I was too much for you. Are you OK?"

She slumps against me, nodding into the crook of my neck. "You were great, really. It was just… intense."

"That's alright, I've got you. What do you need from me right now?"

"Can you just hold me for a while?" Her finger brushes against my jawline, and sweetness shoots through me. "I just need you to hold me, please."

I sit back on the seat and pull her into my lap. She's limp, and warm, covered in sweat, curling up against me. I stroke her hair, relishing the feeling of her cheek pressed against my chest. This is where she belongs, where we belong.

"Do you want kids?" She asks me after a while in a small and tentative voice.

"No, I never wanted that for myself. You?"

She shakes her head against me. "No, I mean, I was only a kid myself when… yeah. It's never been something that seemed like it was possible. And I don't want to bring a kid into this world. But…" She trails off, and the air becomes heavy.

"But?"

She gazes up at me, her big grey eyes full of uncertainty. "It feels different with you. It's stupid, but with you I see a future. That's dumb, isn't it?"

"Not dumb at all, angel. That's normal when you…"

She raises an eyebrow. "You can say it, you know."

"I know. But it feels like it would be unfair." I plant a kiss on her cheek, and her eyes flutter closed. "To both of us." I feather my fingers down the ridges of her spine. "I'm glad you used your safeword."

She snuggles into me with a sigh. "I trust you."

Somehow that hurts more than if she'd just told me she loves me. Having her love, her trust, her whole fucking heart in my hands feels like a burden I don't deserve, and its one I certainly can't honor. She trusts me to keep her safe - and I do that how? In this fucked up world?

"Stop it," she murmurs.

"What?"

She brushes her lips against my throat. "You're worrying. I can feel it. You get all tense and grumpy and English."

I grunt out a laugh. "All English, ey?"

She smiles up at me, running her hand down my cheek. "My beautiful, grumpy Englishman."

"I thought I smile a lot for you."

"Mhmmm." Her eyes light up as she wraps her arms around my neck, drawing my mouth closer to hers. "You always smile for me."

"Because it's just for you, angel. You make me happy."

"Ditto." Her grin turns sassy. "That's from an old movie, right?" She shrieks as I swat her ass.

"You seem pretty happy to fuck an old man, you cheeky little bitch."

She laughs out loud, curling herself around me, and the moment feels so wholesome and normal that I could almost forget where we are and what we're meant to be doing.

Almost.

With a sigh, I press a kiss to her temple. "Alright you, we need to get moving."

"Dammit." She huffs out a warm breath against my chest, then sits up. "I'm getting dressed now though." She gives me that sassy grin again. "Can't risk us stopping again."

I nod, running my hand down her chest, splaying it gently over her stomach. The image of that swollen belly floats in front of me, and my fingers flex. "You need to get dressed and eat something. I need to be careful taking too much blood from you."

She climbs off me with a shrug, retrieving her clothes and pulling her tank top over her head. "They haven't drained me in months. It's really weird."

"Well they wanted you stronger, going to the gym and all that. Which you haven't been doing."

She shakes out her hair, giggling. "Because you've been working me out the last few days, in case you hadn't noticed."

"True. But we should start going again." I gesture to the front seat. "Now, eat. There's food in the bag there." I pull my clothes back on as she scrambles into the front, rifling through the bag. "I'd make you chips and eggs to get your weight up, but-"

"What and what?" She asks, apple in hand.

I let out a laugh, buttoning up my shirt. "Chips and eggs, with a big mug of milky tea. Meal of champions."

She wrinkles her adorable nose. "It sounds disgusting."

"Wait til I tell you about pie and liquor." I climb out of the truck and get into the driver's seat, and see her eyeing me out of the corner of my eye. When I turn to look at her, she almost looks sad. "What's wrong, angel?"

She shakes her head, sighing, looking down at the apple in her hand. "We both had lives, and we can't share them with each other. We can't… I can't take you home to meet my family, you can't fly me to England to meet yours." She swallows hard. "You've made it hard to accept that my life isn't normal. I tried not to care. All these years I tried not to care. But with you… I do."

"I hate that." I reach across and take her hand. Her slender fingers curl around mine, and her touch makes the ache worse. "I told you, I'd never regret this, and I won't. Ever. Because even if this hurts, it's worth it to me."

She dashes away a stray tear from her cheek and nods. "I don't regret it either. I never will. But I'll always wish for more. Because I want everything, but only because I want it with you."

The ache turns into a visceral pain. Only because I want it with you. I curl my hand around hers, hating god and the world and every other thing keeping me away from her, from the everything she wants. The pain sends red into the corners of my vision, and I have to swallow down the grief for the life I can't give her along with all the love my fractured soul will bear until we're nothing but dust.

With a final squeeze of her fingers, I let go and gun the engine of the truck. If she wonders at my silence, she doesn't say anything, just settles back into her seat and crunches her teeth into her apple.

We coast along the highway, the damage from the storm evident all around us. We pass towns that look like a tornado swept through them, the crumbling buildings now mostly collapsed. A car is overturned on the road ahead of us, and I'm surprised the storm became that strong.

Juliet squeaks suddenly, sitting up in her seat and tapping against her window. "Oh my god, Silas!"

I look out her window, and my stomach turns to ice. There's Afflicted out in a field in the distance, a huge horde of them. They're aimlessly roaming, but there's got to be at least 200 of them. I slam on the brakes, and we both stare out at them.

"Silas," Juliet whispers. "We can't keep going."

"They might have already gone through Savannah." I grab the radio, flipping the dial to Savannah's frequency, and give her a pointed look. "Stay quiet." She nods, wrapping her arms around her legs as she turns to look back out the window. "Savannah, do you read me?" Nothing but empty crackling answers. "Savannah, do you read?"

No response.

My smart watch pings at that moment. The perimeter alarm has been triggered.

Juliet eyes me with alarm. "Oh god, Silas."

I replace the radio and throw the truck into reverse, turning around the trees on the other side of the road before flooring the accelerator.

"They're going to find out, oh god." Juliet starts to cry,

"It's OK, we'll make it back, we'll beat them." The truck roars down the highway, and I'm sure the Afflicted have heard it, but I need to get back. I need to get her safe, and I need to hope to god that they don't see her when I get back.

"What are they going to do if they find out?" She hiccups as she tries to breathe through a sob. "What do they do?"

"I'm not going to tell you that."

"They're going to kill you, aren't they?" She's sobbing loudly now. "Oh my god, what will they do?"

"Don"t worry about that now."

"I want to know!" She sounds like she's going to hyperventilate, panic tearing through her, and the smell of fear coming from her does nothing but shatter everything inside me over and over.

"Angel, please." I reach over to her, and she swats my hand away. "Please, you need to calm down."

"Tell me what they'll do!" She punches me in the arm, her voice a grief-stricken snarl. "I want to know what this is going to cost you! Fucking tell me!" She hits me again, sob after sob wracking through her chest.

"They'll poison me!" I shout at the windshield, at the sky, at the fucking injustice of it all. "They'll strap me down and poison me with silver."

"And that"ll hurt, right?" She covers her face with her hands. "That'll hurt you? You're allergic to silver, aren't you?"

I swallow hard, my throat swelling shut. "Yes. It'll hurt."

"And they'll starve you?" Her voice is muffled. "They'll starve you and -"

"Yes, yes. It's… It"s awful, alright. It's agony."

Juliet crumples against me, wailing, her hands clasping onto my arms. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

My smart watch pings again, and I put my arm around her, drawing her close. "I told you, it was worth it. It was all worth it. I'd die for you, angel. Gladly. Every single fucking day."

We drive on in silence, her shivering frame under my arm. I kiss her hair, over and over, knowing with each passing mile that this will be the last time I touch her, the last time I hold her. But I had this. I had it. I had her.

Five miles out from the compound my watch pings once more, and Juliet burrows into me. "You can't leave me."

"Just get in the back, angel. We might have beaten them back." I know I'm lying to her, but I have to do it. I have to hope. We have to try. "Come on, it's OK." I give her a smile, and she throws herself at me. I slam the brakes, taking her in my arms as her soft lips devour my mouth. One last kiss. "Come on angel," I murmur, leaning my forehead against hers. "Get in the back. I need to get you safe."

"You were worth it, too." Her breath washes over my lips, and she climbs, sniffling, into the back seat.

I don't even feel dread as we get closer. I'm strangely calm. I knew this would happen. It was just a matter of time. I'd fuck up, and it would all go to hell.

You've ruined everything. You always have.

My father's last words to me echo through my head. Maybe I have always ruined everything. Maybe I let myself fall in love with a human because I have a sick need to destroy, to sabotage the people I care about, not to mention myself. All I've done now is left an already traumatized woman with more loss, and yet more trauma. No one to protect her.

Just as the compound comes into view, I almost veer the truck to the other side of the road, and speed off. But where do I go? I can't keep her safe out in the fucking wild. I can't leave her at the mercy of the Afflicted, and the National Guard, and who knows what else is out here.

I brace myself as I keep driving. But the sirens aren't going. The flashing lights on the fence are out. The truck gets closer, and the guards at the gate become visible. They're standing around, as normal. No frantic activity. Nothing unusual.

I pull up at the gate, ready for an inspection, ready to be told to get in quickly. Instead, they wave me through as the gate rolls back. I stupidly pause and roll down my window, one of the guards approaching.

"I had an alarm go off," I say, holding up my smart watch. "I got back as quickly as I could."

The guard laughs, waving his hand. "Yeah, scared the shit out of us too. But it was just a drill. Nothing to worry about. They should have told you that when you headed out."

Yeah they should have. She should have told me. Juliet was right, and I'm a fucking fool.

I drive into the compound, and park the truck. I climb down, checking for anyone nearby, but everything is clear.

When I open the back door, Juliet stumbles out, her face red and tear-streaked. She wraps her arms around my waist, still sobbing quietly.

"Oh god, oh god," she murmurs against me, shoulders shaking.

"It's all over, angel, we're OK." I tip her head back and plant a soft kiss on her lips. "We're safe." Maybe. Maybe we're safe.

I usher her back to the dorm, past the vamp standing guard at the door, who is completely uninterested in the crying human under my arm. Gina looks up with alarm as I guide Juliet back to her bed.

"What the hell?" Gina eyes me suspiciously, getting to her feet to take Juliet from me. "Where the hell have you been?"

"She needed to…" I trail off, out of lies, out of answers. "She's alright, just had a fright."

"Sure she did." Gina shakes her head and wraps Juliet in a hug so maternal it makes me miss my own mother. Just for a moment.

I give myself a shake and hurry from the dorm, heading across the yard to Sam's office. I tear open the door, to find Sam sitting at her desk, poring over some paperwork.

"Can I help you, Silas?" She doesn't look up. She was fucking expecting me.

"Yeah, you can tell me why I was out there with no warning that there was a fucking perimeter drill planned for today."

"Scared you, did it?" She still won't look up, still calmly looking over her.

"I rushed back because I thought there was an emergency." I stride across the room and slam my hands on the table, and she finally looks up at me. "I was out there, fucking stranded on my own and-"

"On your own?" She interjects, leaning back in her chair. "Were you now? On your own? You're in my office pitching a fit because you were out there on your own?"

She fucking knows. "Sam, don't ever pull a stunt like that on me again, do you hear me?"

"I'm not the one pulling stunts here."

I growl, my hands balling into fists. "I swear to god, if you ever do anything like that again-"

"You'll what?" Her eyebrows lift, and she swivels back and forth languidly in her chair. "What'll you do, Silas? Same thing you did to Braun?"

"Try me."

"Are you threatening a senior officer?" She leans on her elbows, tilting her chin up at me. "I'm going to give you some friendly advice. If you want people to cover your mistakes, don't threaten them."

I narrow my eyes. "My mistakes?"

"Your mistakes.Like the one I could smell in your cabin yesterday morning."

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"This conversation is over." She drops her gaze back to the paperwork in front of her, and waves me away. "You can go now."

"Sam-"

"I said, you can go."

I shove myself away from the desk and back out into the yard. Instead of heading to my cabin, I head for the gym. Once inside I tear off my shirt, casting it aside before laying into the punching bag with rage so acute I can smell it.

Sam knows. Of course she does. And today was just a little flex of power to let me know that she's watching. She'll use this to her advantage. I know she will.

As the punching bag goes flying across the gym, I realize I didn't tell them about the horde of Afflicted, or about Savannah not answering their radio. I should tell them. That horde was massive. I move towards the doors, scooping my shirt up from the floor, but as thunder rumbles overhead, I pause.

I chew the inside of my cheek for a moment, before throwing my shirt over my shoulder and heading back to my cabin, deciding to keep that information to myself for now.

It could very well be useful to me, maybe even sooner than I think.