Chapter 13

13

D elaney had worked herself into a snit and by the determined look on her face she was going to nurse it for the rest of the night.

Being as she was angry for reasons only known to her, I might as well get some shit straight.

"Right, so, that's the last time you get to throw that in my face," I started.

"Throw what in your face?"

Yeah, she was angry all right, and lucky for me she was cute as hell when she was miffed. She always had been, even as a teenager full of sass and attitude, instead of being annoying it was fun to poke at her.

"That shit about me not talking. We've covered that, and we're not gonna keep going over it until you convince yourself that we've never had a conversation. Because you know that's not right. There were some topics I didn't discuss but we've spent many nights lying in our bed, with me holding you, and us talking until you drifted off."

And that was the damned truth. More times than I could count I'd hold her and she'd tell me about what she was teaching, about her students, about school politics. And before that when she was in college, she'd tell me about her classes, her teachers, her friends, and everything in between.

"Don't you mean my bed?" she huffed.

Christ.

"No, Laney baby. I meant ours. Any bed you've ever been in where I've joined you has always been ours."

"That's a stretch—"

"Stop. I get you're fighting for your corner, and I know you have a right to be wary, I didn't do right by you. I've admitted it. Repeatedly. But stop twisting what we have."

"We don't—"

"Stop."

"Did you just growl at me?" she asked incredulously.

I wasn't sure if I had or not. I'd been too busy trying not to haul her over the table and kiss the attitude out of her. Which made my thoughts stray even further to the last time I'd kissed her. It had been days since I last tasted her and by her declaration last night about not kissing on the first date, which I had to say pissed me right the fuck off, she'd been on a date with a man other than me. I wouldn't be getting my shot for a few more days. That wasn't going to work for me.

I had to admit, one of the many great things about moving home was not having to go months between having her, and we weren't starting this off in a way where she was throwing up walls around every turn, keeping me from her.

"Probably," I answered honestly.

"You can't growl at me," she protested.

"I can't? Funny, seems I did."

"I think we should call it a night and you should take me home. This isn't working for me."

"Yeah, I know it's not. You thought I'd let you trample over our history and bullshit yourself. You hadn't planned on me calling you out on it so now you're pissed. You forget how well I know you so I know what you're trying to do and I'm not gonna let you do it."

Wrong thing to say.

I knew this when Delaney's blue eyes flashed with anger and she leaned in so she could seethe without our dinner mates hearing.

"You're an ass."

"Yep. But an honest one."

"Glad you know me so well while you've kept me in the dark all these years."

"Nothing but your own stubbornness is stopping you from asking all the questions you want. But I will warn you, I won't lie to you. So be careful what it is you think you want to know about me. Because my answers won't change shit about shit. You are mine, no matter what you learn."

"You're crazy," she blurted.

"Yep, crazy in love with you."

Delaney's eyes closed and she looked like she was praying for patience. My gaze went to the window and I caught sight of Natalie, the woman who'd chatted Laney up. She was walking through the parking lot empty-handed and got into a sporty little Jetta with Florida plates. Could have been a rental, or her story about moving to Georgia from Illinois could've been bullshit.

Either way, I hadn't liked the way she'd sat so close to us. And I really didn't like the way she looked at me, open and hungry. By the time the woman had glanced back to Laney she'd hid her response and she'd done it well. That was the part that had bothered me the most. The woman was good, she was used to lying, and she could mask her feelings at will.

"Have you ever been shot?" Delaney asked and my eyes slid back to her.

"Yes."

"The scar on your arm? The one you told me was no big deal?" Her brow lifted and her mouth twisted.

"I did not lie to you. It wasn't a big deal. It was a graze and took a few stitches to repair."

Maybe this wasn't a good idea .

"Did you like being a SEAL?"

"Yes."

"Then why'd you leave the Navy?"

"There were a lot of reasons. Some having to do with family and me missing out on important stuff. Part of it was you. I'd given up us being together and having a family for long enough. The regret had piled heavy and I wasn't willing to put us aside any longer. And the last two deployments had taken a toll. One in particular was really bad, the other just hammered home I'd seen enough."

"What have you seen?"

"Let's shelf that question until we're at home and not in a busy restaurant."

"Right," she mumbled.

"I didn't say I wouldn't tell you, Laney. But I'm not going to tell you about the carnage and evil I've witnessed in a place that I cannot hold you or give you a deeper explanation than just telling you I've seen people die, people that I had a hand in sending to hell."

Her eyes widened in shock and I wondered if she'd ever thought about what I did. If she knew that every time I'd come home to her I'd done so with blood-soaked hands. That every time I crawled into bed next to her and held her, I'd come from a place where I'd dealt out death and fought to stay alive. All things I never wanted her to consider or contemplate.

Now I was questioning my actions. The imagination was a powerful thing, if she'd allowed her mind to wander, her version of what I'd done may've been worse than the reality.

"Did that happen a lot?" she whispered.

"Yes."

The waiter came back to our table, I rattled off my order, but never took my eyes off Delaney. Her skin had paled and she stuttered out her menu choices.

"Laney?" I called when the man left our table.

"Huh?"

"Look at me, sweetheart." Her wounded eyes came to mine and I asked, "What's wrong?"

"I knew. I'm not stupid. But I hate you went through it alone. That you never talked to me about it."

"I was never alone. You were always with me, both on deployment and when I came home. Just because I didn't tell you about it didn't mean you weren't healing my soul. I didn't need to talk, I needed you. Which you always gave me."

Tears brimmed in her lids and she blinked causing a few to leak down her cheek. She quickly swiped them away and tried but failed to hide her sadness.

"Nothing to cry over, Laney. I swear you gave me what I needed."

She nodded her head and looked around the restaurant, I gave her the minute she needed to gather her thoughts. When she looked back to the table she took her time rearranging her napkin and silverware.

"Ask, baby. Whatever's on your mind just spit it out." I interjected as much humor into my tone as I could but she still flinched.

"Tell me about it," she finally asked.

"About what?"

"All of it. I don't know anything about the Navy or where you've lived since you left for the Naval Academy."

I'd start with the easy stuff, the information that wouldn't freak her out.

"I loved the Academy. The curriculum was hard. Sometimes it felt like I was drinking out of a firehose. But if you prove you're dedicated the instructors won't let you fail. Extra study hours, extra help during liberty weekends. Whatever the tools you need to succeed they make sure you have. It was physically strenuous, but going into my second year I knew I was going to BUD/s after graduation and I welcomed the workouts."

"Did you have friends?" she asked.

"What?"

"Friends. You know, people to pal around with, joke with, commiserate with? Friends?"

"Yeah, I had some of those." I smiled. "A few I still keep in touch with. One died in combat last year. And the rest were stationed around the world and life gets in the way so you fall out of contact."

"But I'd always heard about military buddies bonding for life. Like our dads, and Uncle Levi and Clark. Do you have anyone like that? A best friend?"

"Yeah, Laney. You."

"Me?"

I didn't know how to explain this to her without sounding like I wasn't proud of my service or regretted being there.

"You know I've always wanted to go into the military. I chose the Naval Academy rather than going straight into the Army like our dads did. I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to take what I'd learned from my dad and make a difference. Becoming a SEAL was a challenge and personal achievement I wanted to accomplish. But there's a difference between being an officer and being one of the enlisted boys. First there are fraternization policies in place. Then there are some who think because I'm an officer, and I didn't earn my rank through time in service and grunt work, the way they did, that I somehow had it easier. When I was going through BUD/s in some ways it was harder, more was expected from me and rightfully so. If I passed, I would be the one leading a troop. There's a heavier burden. While I had friends, good ones as a matter of fact, I still held myself apart. Does that make sense?"

"That's bullshit, Carter, you earned your rank."

Damn, but I loved how fierce she was when she was pissed on my behalf.

"You're right, I did. But also can you see why they'd think the way they earned theirs was a little harder?"

"What about the guys you served with? The men in your team?"

"I'm gonna miss them," I answered. "But there's a saying, ‘When you're in you're the best, when you're out you're a pest'. I'm not saying we won't keep in touch. But shit keeps rolling for them. Next training cycle, next work up, next mission. They'll keep moving on doing what they're doing. Which is shit they can no longer discuss with me. There's a reason why the Special Warfare Community is as tight as it is. There's shit you cannot talk about with anyone else, and even if you could, they just wouldn't get it."

"Like you think I wouldn't have gotten it."

I was navigating through a minefield and one misstep could be catastrophic, but the truth was the truth.

"Yeah, Laney, like you, like all of the other wives, too. We come home from war and there's no describing what we see and do because, honey, it is just that bad. And you don't burden the ones you love with that shit. Instead you come home, keep all of that locked away, and you thank God he granted you a reprieve. You hold the good stuff close and soak it up so the next time you go out you're ready. So again, I'll answer your questions, my answers will not be shit you're gonna want to hear, but I'll do it. And I'll also tell you, that's something I don't regret holding back from you. If I didn't think it was important to show you I'm all in, therefore I'll give you anything you need, I wouldn't be telling you about it now."

"I don't think I want to know about it," she whispered.

"No, baby, you don't. But if you need it so we can move ahead, I'll give it you. Then when I'm done, I'll cushion it the best I can."

The food runner came out with our dinner and the waiter wasn't far behind him. After ascertaining everything was perfect both men left the table and Delaney didn't pick up her fork.

"Did you need something else?" I asked.

"No. I'm just thinking."

"What about?"

"Did the family ever go up to Virginia to visit you?"

"Visit me?"

"Yeah, like my brother, or Nick, or Ethan, or the uncles?"

Ah. I understood where she was going. She'd thought she was the only one I never allowed to come up.

"The only person who's ever been to Virginia to see me, was my dad. Not even my mom went up there. Baby, I didn't want anyone to visit."

"I wish I could've seen where you lived," she whispered.

My gut clenched at the hurt in her voice and I made a split second decision.

"If you want, we'll drive up. My lease isn't up until the end of the month."

Her eyes lit and I felt like a bigger asshole than I had before. And I felt like a pretty big dick before we'd had this conversation.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I work the rest of this week. But we'll go this weekend."

She smiled a big bright smile and I wondered if she realized she'd just walked herself into a weekend alone with me in Virginia.

"Eat up, Laney baby, you don't want the best steak in Georgia to get cold."

Delaney tucked into her food but I waited. Her eyes closed and she moaned as she chewed her first bite. The steak may've been the best around, but the sounds she was making were better.

Way fucking better.