17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

“ D o you want to come for a walk outside with me?” Meera asked. “I know you like to go to the nursery in the mornings, but just if you wanted a little change of scenery…”

“I would love to, thank you.” She hovered as I got myself ready, leashing Tilly since we were going outside. I doubted she’d bolt, but it never hurt to be careful. “Are we going somewhere in particular?”

“I started a vegetable garden at Elverston House. I need to go tend to it, but I thought you might want to come. You know, get to know the grounds a little more. Maybe meet some of the new ex-Hunters if they come out? They’re… shy.”

“They’re all shy?” I confirmed, sliding my feet into my shoes. Meera was shy, but I wouldn’t describe any of the others that way. I had thought of her as an anomaly among Hunters.

“A lot of them weren’t properly included in the Hunters. For a variety of reasons,” Meera said awkwardly.

I frowned, turning over the words in my head.

“Are they… like me?”

Meera was silent for a long while. “They are people who have limited participation within the Hunters for a variety of reasons.”

They were the rejects. The outcasts. I’d heard about them. Nana had always reminded me how lucky I was that Moriah let me live at home, instead of being sent to wherever they were. Or ending up in service at someone else’s home, the way Carla had. Since the first time I got here, I felt truly nervous at the prospect of meeting someone.

What if they resented me because I hadn’t been sent away like they had? Nana said the places they went to were horrible, and made me repeat how grateful I was that Moriah shielded me from that.

“Maybe I could meet them later?” I suggested nervously, smoothing down the itchy fabric of my skirt. I was feeling sort of nauseous at the thought.

“Of course. Sorry. I didn’t even… I didn’t even think. Um, we could walk around the palace gardens if you like? It’s right here in front of us.”

“Sure. Yes. It’s nice to get some fresh air.” I had the small courtyard attached to my room, of course. But that was sort of Tilly’s domain now.

“Okay. Well, this is the garden. The palace is circular, you’ve probably noticed the corridors curving inward, right? They spiral toward the center. The garden has a similar layout, lots of curving garden beds with paths in between. If you follow it all the way until the end, you’ll get to the barracks where the Guard stays. Elverston House is down a path to the right.”

I nodded, a little surprised at how descriptive she was being.

“We’re standing in front of the main portal,” Meera continued. “It’s right outside the palace. Sebastian uses it to get to the in-between, then he uses the open portal on the human realm side to get home.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. It wasn’t that what Meera was saying wasn’t interesting, I supposed, but it was odd for her to be the one saying it. She usually barely spoke at all, and today she was rambling. Did she feel bad about bringing up the new ex-Hunters in Elverston House? I wasn’t upset with her or anything, just nervous about meeting them for the first time. “Is everything okay, Meera?”

She exhaled shakily. “No, not really.”

I reached out clumsily, bumping her elbow before resting my hand on her forearm. “What’s going on? Is this about your trip to the human realm? Did something else happen?”

“Yes.” She cleared her throat. “I need to tell you about it, but I was trying to make sure you had a pleasant morning first.”

“I think I’d rather just know,” I said gently, taking my hand away and wrapping my arms around my waist.

“Okay. Okay.” I listened as Meera paced a few steps in front of me. “ Yourparentswerearrested .”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

She made a slightly pained sound. “Your parents were arrested. They were mixed up in all the shady financial stuff that the rest of the Council were involved in. I don’t know what will happen exactly—I guess the charges will be different for everyone depending on what they did. But the Council has been taken over by Hunters who are working with the Shades. Whatever happens, your parents’ careers are over. They’ve been effectively ousted.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Meera repeated dubiously.

“I’m not quite sure how to feel yet,” I admitted, hugging myself a little tighter. Moriah was the only mother I had, but she’d resented my existence my entire life, and locked me away where she didn’t have to look at me.

She’d given me Nana and kept me from being sent somewhere worse, and I wanted to be grateful but I still struggled with my gratitude where Moriah was concerned. I knew how privileged my brothers’ lives were, and it was difficult not to feel the tiniest hint of bitterness that my life had played out so differently.

The idea of Moriah in jail didn’t bring me any joy, but a small part of me wondered if she’d appreciate what my life was like, confined to the small, cold attic. That wasn’t a kind thought, though. Nana would be horrified.

“I’m sorry,” Meera said awkwardly.

“You don’t need to apologize,” I assured her. “Presumably, it was their own actions that landed them in this mess. I’ve certainly overheard enough through the vents to know that whatever they were doing, they were very secretive about it.”

Regular Hunters business was always discussed around the dining table—usually with drinks and food and boisterous laughter. Anything related to finances was conducted in hushed whispers in the library, and I never caught the details of those conversations.

“Iris,” Damen said suddenly, making me jump. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I replied automatically, not wanting to burden him with my problems.

“I can smell that something is wrong,” he pointed out gently. “Talk to me.”

I don’t know why I did it. I had no idea if anyone else was around—he could have been walking next to someone and in the middle of a conversation. But I walked forward anyway, reaching for Damen in total confidence that he’d meet me halfway.

“Hey,” he murmured quietly as I walked headfirst into his chest, his arms immediately wrapping around my shoulders. The moment his chin came to rest on the top of my head, I exhaled, some of the stress melting out of my body.

Since the moment I’d arrived in the shadow realm, I’d associated Damen with comfort and support. In spite of the recent awkwardness between us, he still felt safe to me.

He felt like home.

Was that a normal way to feel about someone you didn’t know very well? Maybe I should have married him.

“Talk to me. Is everything okay?”

I gave the question some thought. “No. But I feel much better now.”

He squeezed me a little tighter. “What do you need?”

One stray tear escaped at the question. He’d asked it like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Meera, would it be horribly rude of me to head back inside now? I’m so sorry—”

“Please don’t apologize,” she said hastily. “I can’t emphasize enough how much you don’t owe me an apology. We can talk later. When you’re ready. I’ll leave you guys to it.”

I listened as her footsteps retreated, wondering idly if she was going to her vegetable garden now. That seemed to be her place of peace, and it sounded like she needed it.

“Do you want to go back to your room?” Damen asked.

“Yes, please.”

I waited in place for a second for him to speak to someone else, but it appeared that we were alone. Instead of linking our arms together like he usually did, Damen draped his arm over my shoulders and tucked me tightly into his side.

“I’m okay, really,” I assured Damen, not wanting him to worry. “Meera was just telling me that my mother was arrested and her career at the Council is over, and I suppose I don’t know what to make of that.”

He squeezed my shoulder sympathetically.

“Did you know?” I asked, suspecting that information wasn’t news to him based on his silence.

“Yes,” he admitted guiltily. “Trust me, I wanted to tell you yesterday more than anything. But Meera asked that she be the one to break it to you—she feels terrible about it.”

I mulled it over and decided I didn’t feel upset about it the way I had when everyone had hidden me away from the new Hunters without saying a word. I didn’t begrudge Meera wanting to be the one who told me.

“It’s okay if you’re mad at me about that, Iris.”

“I’m not mad. It’s fine. I don’t want to complain—”

“Complain,” Damen interjected firmly. “Complain to your heart’s content. Talking about something that’s weighing on your mind doesn’t make you ungrateful. Having a bit of a whine from time to time to those who you trust and those who care about you isn’t a poor reflection of your character. Or, at least, I hope it’s not since I whine almost constantly to everyone about everything.”

I laughed. “You do not. You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“I swear to you, Iris,” Damen began solemnly. “I am the whiniest Shade in the entire realm. You just haven’t seen it yet because I’ve been trying to impress you.”

His words made me feel all soft and squishy on the inside. “I have always been very impressed by you, Damen. I’m sure everyone is, even the ones you whine at.”

“We’d have to ask my brother about that—I’m sure he’d have an opinion on it,” Damen replied wryly. “He has an opinion on everything.”

“He loves you,” I chided gently. “That was very clear from speaking to him yesterday. He cares about you so much.”

I could make a direct comparison there. My brothers absolutely didn’t feel that way about me.

“He’s not so bad,” Damen admitted begrudgingly. “Can’t we go hang out in my room instead? It’s bigger and there’s still an outdoor area for Tilly. We can lounge around and I’ll read us a book.”

“You’d do that?” I asked, my voice wavering slightly.

Damen turned toward me, his jaw brushing the top of my head as he inhaled deeply. “Of course. Today is going to be a relaxation day—I’m excellent at those. I’ll send for tea and cake. You with me?”

“I’m with you.”

“That was nice,” I murmured, lying back on the sofa in Damen’s room as he finished reading a story about a Shade who lost his shadows. It was clearly a children’s story—the moral being that he needed to believe in himself—but it was lovely to listen to, regardless.

It reminded me of listening to fairy tales when I was young and Nana used to read me. There was more about the shadow realm that was similar to life in the human realm than wasn’t. It seemed baffling in hindsight that the Hunters Council had been able to villainize the Shades so effectively when they really weren’t so different from us.

“There’s still a little while before dinner. Should I run you a bath? That might make you feel better. And my bath tub is nice —yours is wholly inadequate for relaxing in. Of course, I would stay out of the room,” he added hastily.

“You would do that for me?” I asked, surprised. Not that Damen hadn’t always been generous with me, but this felt different.

Intimate.

The attraction to Damen—to his voice, and the feel of him, and the way he treated me—had always been there, but I’d done my best to squash it down and I was pretty sure I’d been succeeding at it. I didn’t understand the nuances of romantic relationships, but even I knew that once someone had proposed to you and you said no, things got a little more complicated.

But his easy kindness this afternoon had been weakening my resolve. And the idea of being naked in his space…

There was something sort of territorial about it, though I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what that was.

“Iris. Your scent,” Damen groaned.

“What about it?” Why did my voice sound like that? Like I was out of breath even though I was just sitting still?

“It’s… intoxicating. Your desire is the most addictive scent I’ve ever experienced in my life.”

My desire? Somehow, it had never occurred to me that Shades would be able to smell that , though of course it made sense since they could pick up our other emotions.

“Does it make you uncomfortable that I’m aroused?” I asked curiously, trying to establish if I was being inappropriate or not.

“That’s not quite how I’d describe it,” Damen rasped. Oh good, his voice sounded just as strained as mine did.

“How would you describe it then?”

He groaned. “Iris, you’re killing me. I’m trying to behave myself. You don’t want this from me.”

“What don’t I want from you?”

“Sex. Intimacy.”

I frowned, thinking back on our conversations. “When did I say that?”

Damen was silent for a long moment. “I guess you didn’t. You said you didn’t want to get married.”

“No, that seemed like a rather dramatic step to take when I’d just arrived,” I agreed. “But I never said anything about not wanting sex. I’d love to have sex. I came here thinking I’d be having sex all the time.” I paused for a moment, giving it some thought. “I’ve never done it before though, so I might be bad at it.”

“ Fuck ,” Damen whispered, sounding almost pained.

“Should I not have said that?”

He laughed, though it was strained. “I would prefer you not say it to anyone else. I find I am very jealous where you’re concerned.”

I frowned. “I wouldn’t say that to anyone else. I feel safe with you, Damen. Only you.”

“Good.” He exhaled loudly. “Will you allow me to bring you pleasure, Iris? It would be the greatest honor of my life.”

That seemed a little extreme, but I wasn’t going to complain. “Of course. I would love that.”

Did that mean we were going to have sex? Surely that would mean that he would experience pleasure too, and he made it sound like it was just a me thing.

“Will you lie on my bed for me, Iris?” Damen asked. His tone was polite, but there was a rumbly edge to his voice that I hadn’t heard before. It seemed to creep down my body, settling somewhere just south of my belly.

“Yes,” I whispered, sucking in a breath of surprise as he scooped me off the couch before I could stand and carried me over to the bed like I weighed nothing, laying me out on it like I was something precious to him.

There was the faint sound of Tilly’s paws clicking against the floor as she made her way outside of her own accord. I was quietly grateful for that—I didn’t want to traumatize my dog.

“Can I lift your skirt?” Damen asked. So gentlemanly.

“Yes, you may.”

I shivered as the air hit my bare thighs and Damen’s claws drifted gently over my skin, right up to the elastic edge of my panties. His breath seemed to hiss out between his teeth as he inhaled, and I fervently hoped that he liked what he was seeing. Arousal wasn’t a foreign feeling for me, but seduction was a game I had no idea how to play.

When I’d listened to characters flirting in movies, they mostly sounded quite sure of themselves, and I didn’t know how to replicate that.

“Can I take these off you?” Damen asked, a faint tinge of desperation in his voice. Maybe he didn’t mind that I wasn’t sure of myself.

“Yes,” I agreed again, hooking my thumbs in the waistband and lifting my hips slightly to shimmy them down, bumping his nose as I did so. “Oh! I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Damen growled. “I’m hoping my face gets very well acquainted with this sweet pussy, Iris.”

“That sounds… very nice,” I stammered, allowing Damen to take over pulling my panties down my legs.

Pussy.

I hadn’t ever heard it called that before, but the way he said it sounded… sexy. Reverential and filthy all at once.

Once the fabric was out of the way, Damen made short work of settling himself between my thighs, hitching up my legs and encouraging me to drape them over his shoulders where they’d be out of the way.

My heart pounded in my chest at how exposed I was. How vulnerable. But that didn’t feel like a bad thing when I was with Damen. If anything, it heightened my desire.

I was vulnerable and I was at his mercy, and I had complete and utter faith that I was safe and taken care of.

“Iris…” Damen groaned, the claws of his thumbs oh-so-gently tracing the crease of my thighs. “How am I going to stay away from you?”

“You don’t have to.”

“I do, though,” he murmured, dipping his head and pressing his lips to one thigh, then the other. “I have no self-control where you’re concerned. A little would never be enough. I’d want everything .”

That also didn’t sound so bad. Maybe I’d been too hasty about the marriage proposal.

Before I could say as much, he was gently opening me up to him with his thumbs, and something that could only have been Damen’s tongue swiped my sensitive flesh.

I nearly jumped out of my skin. His mouth was hot and wet, and his tongue was rougher than I expected it to be—far rougher than mine was—and it was good . I’d certainly hoped this part would feel pleasant, but it was a hundred times more than that.

“Damen,” I gasped, my hands reflexively reaching for him and finding his horns. He groaned hoarsely as I secured my grip, not squeezing too hard but just… keeping him in place.

If he proposed to me after this, I was certain I’d say yes.

“That’s it, Iris. Hold on to me. I’m going to make you feel so good.”

I already felt wonderful, but Damen meant what he said. He got to work like pleasuring me was his sole purpose in life, moving his tongue in one direction, then another. Circling, teasing, applying more pressure. Every motion seemed to be a test—I could feel his attention on me as he focused on my every reaction, studying it and repeating whatever proved most effective.

“Ready to come?” he asked with absolute certainty, though based on my own silent fumblings in bed each night, I was pretty sure I wasn’t anywhere near that.

“You sound very sure I will,” I said instead, not wanting to upset him.

“Oh, I am. Do you want to come now?”

“Yes, please.” I was never going to say no to that—it was the best stress relief in the world.

“Then lie back and let me work,” Damen replied cockily. And while I’d been aware he’d been studying, I hadn’t appreciated just how closely.

With just a few movements of that clever tongue, I was gasping and trembling, desperate for release though he kept me hovering right on the edge until I felt like I’d die without the release. His pointed teeth lightly scraped my skin as he sucked on my sensitive nerves, and I was done. I came with a pleading strangled sound I’d never made in my life, the desire coursing through my body so strong I felt as though I’d choke on it.

“Iris…” Damen growled, prying my thighs apart. I hadn’t realized I’d been clenching them around his head, the smooth underside of his horns pressing against my skin. “You are exquisite.”

That was... wow. I’d brought myself pleasure before but it had never been like that. There was always an underlying tension whenever I did it—was I being too loud? Was this something I should be doing at all? All of those inhibitions had disappeared with Damen.

He made me feel so incredibly safe in all things, but this in particular.

“You’re incredible,” he murmured. “You’re delicious .”

His teeth scraped lightly over my hip as he moved up my body, but I was too languid to react.

“ You’re incredible,” I slurred, panting like I’d been running. What did penetrative sex feel like? If it was half as good as that, then I’d been underestimating it all these years.

There was a brief rumbling sound that filled the air, a vibration that ran through Damen’s body before it immediately stopped.

“What was that?” I asked in wonder.

He cleared his throat. “A purr. I’ve never done that before.”

“Is it a bad thing?”

“No. No, it’s a very good thing. But that’s why we should stop,” Damen murmured regretfully. “Before I do something I can’t take back.”

“Don’t disappear,” I said hastily, hating how desperate the words sound. “Don’t leave. I’ll keep my hands to myself, I promise.”

“It’s not your hands I’m worried about.”

“You’d never do anything I wasn’t expressly comfortable with,” I replied, entirely confident in that. “Could you just… hold me a little? Please?”

Damen made a pained sound, immediately moving up the bed and lifting me into his arms, adjusting us so that we were comfortable. I rested my head on his hard chest, my legs tangled with his strong ones. It shouldn’t be comfortable—he was so firm beneath me—and yet it was. His skin was warm and his arms circled me like he could shelter me from anything and everything.

“You should never have to ask me to hold you, Iris. You certainly shouldn’t have to beg. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” I assured him firmly, squeezing him a little around his middle. Everything about him was so solid . Did it bother him that I wasn’t built the same way?

He carefully ran his claws through my hair, detangling the strands with an astounding amount of gentleness. If anything about me bothered him, Damen didn’t let on.

“What do you miss the most about the human realm?” he asked quietly.

I hummed thoughtfully, rousing myself from the verge of sleep. I’d never been so comfortable in my life.

“Probably not as much as you’d think. I miss knowing where everything is, I think. The attic I shared with Nana was very small, and over the years we’d made it just right for me to get around. I’ve mostly gotten the hang of my room, but it’s still a little disorienting.”

“We’ll talk about how to improve the layout tomorrow when you’re not so tired—I should have thought of that.”

“I’ll adjust, Damen. You don’t have to do that for me.”

“I want to, Iris. I want you to be happy here. What else do you miss from the human realm?”

“Pizza,” I laughed. “I only had it once but it was the most delicious food I’ve ever eaten.”

“I’m not familiar with it, but I’ll ask Astrid to collect some on her next visit to the human realm.”

“Oh, please don’t! I’m sure she has far more important things she needs to do when she’s in the human realm.”

“Not at all,” Damen replied confidently. Even though he was the more knowledgeable one of how all of this worked, I somehow doubted that was true. “Anything else I should ask her to retrieve? Don’t be shy, Iris. Verity sends Astrid with entire lists of items to collect.”

I wouldn’t be doing that. Verity probably added a lot more value to the realm than I did—it was only right that she could make requests in return.

“That’s all,” I assured him. “Astrid is already fetching Tilly’s food, which is so very kind of her.”

Besides, there was nothing else I missed—nothing except Nana, and there was no bringing her back.

Even then, the more time I spent here, the more complicated my relationship with Nana felt. Despite her reminders for me to be kind, sometimes it felt as though she hadn’t always been very kind to me. At the same time, my company had been forced on her when Nana had been too old to be of any value to the Hunters anymore. Moriah had basically assigned me to her care as a way for her to earn her keep—it wasn’t a job she’d wanted.

But she’d also been kinder to me than anyone else in my family.

She’d given me Tilly. She’d given me an education, to the best of her ability. She’d read me stories when I was little and encouraged me to use them as an escape from reality, the same way she had.

It all made missing her a complicated prospect.

“Are you okay?” Damen asked drowsily. “Your scent is a little… cloudy.”

“I’m okay,” I murmured, stroking my thumb over his skin in slow, soothing circles to help him sleep. “I’m happy. Happier than I realized, I promise.”