16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

“ W here are you going?” I asked Soren, running into him and Astrid in the foyer. “Can I come?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

“Maybe I can help.”

He shot me an alarmed look while Astrid snorted. “No, thank you.”

“I want a job,” I sighed, slumping my shoulders. “Why is that so hard? Why can’t someone just give me one?”

“Do you know how to do anything?” Astrid asked.

“Of course I do! I’m very approachable. And I was a great scholar—ask anyone. I was far more accomplished in my studies than Allerick or Soren.”

“That’s true,” Soren agreed. “Though, too undisciplined to go any further with it.”

I briefly entertained the idea of getting back into it now before dismissing it almost immediately. I didn’t want to spend my time buried in dusty old tomes, working away alone and in silence, even if the contents of those books were interesting.

Though Ruvyn seemed to enjoy his life at The Itrodaris just fine. Maybe I should ask him about a career in academia.

“Can I join the Guard?”

“No. You don’t have the discipline for that either,” Soren replied easily.

“Where is all this coming from?” Astrid asked. “Are you bored or something?”

“I’m on my healing journey.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’ve been spending too much time with Verity.”

“Verity has compassion for my struggles.”

Astrid side-eyed me like she was about to say something truly mean before seeming to think better and pursing her lips shut. Probably something about me not having struggles, which wasn’t an entirely unreasonable assumption.

Aside from my irreparably broken heart, my life was mostly quite comfortable.

“Tallulah was hoping one of the ex-Hunters could accompany her to the negotiating session today, but I think everyone was otherwise engaged. And some of them are more adept at navigating those conversations than others—I think you’d be particularly good at it, even though you’re a Shade,” Soren suggested.

“Sure. I can do that.” It didn’t sound particularly stimulating, but I was good at talking. I was confident I’d have no issue with it.

“We’ll be running our first training session today with some of the new ex-Hunters,” Soren volunteered, apparently realizing he hadn’t answered my question. “It would be a supremely bad idea for you to help out with that—they’re nervous enough already.”

“They’re training with you?” I asked, surprised.

“Mostly with Astrid and Meera,” Soren replied. “It was Meera’s idea. She thought that some of the more skittish ones might gain confidence if they knew how to defend themselves.”

That made sense. Was that something Iris would be interested in doing as well? Everyone knew about her now. She could explore more freely if she wanted to. And she’d definitely be safe in Astrid’s hands.

“Go ahead,” Soren told Astrid quietly. “I’ll catch up with you.”

Oh dear.

He came to a stop in the corridor, clasping my shoulder to keep me in place.

“You have a very serious look on your face,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m worried about you, Damen.”

“That is wholly unnecessary.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s very unlike you to be so restless.”

“I can’t win,” I complained. “You’re all on my case when I do nothing, and now when I try to do something , it’s a problem too. I can’t do anything right.”

Soren blinked at me, dropping his hand. “That’s not how I want you to feel at all, Damen. I think it’s great that you’re trying to be more involved around the palace. But you seem restless in your… spirit,” he finished, seeming a little frustrated as he struggled to find the words. Emotional talks weren’t Soren’s strong suit, and I appreciated that he was trying.

It made me pause and consider my answer a little more carefully, rather than giving him a glib response to get this conversation over and done with. “I do feel restless in my spirit. But I’m working on it.”

I’m working on me . I wanted to be a Shade worthy of the sweetest, kindest woman in the realm, as well as a Shade worthy of the title I held.

The path to get there wasn’t quite as linear as I’d hoped it would be, but I was confident I’d find it.

Soren nodded once. “Okay. Will you tell me if you need help?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Of course.” He hesitated. “You’re like a younger brother to me as well, Damen.”

I grinned and he scowled at me like he already regretted saying it. “I have always considered you one of my older brothers. You are all of a similar temperament.”

“Yes, yes,” he said impatiently, though not unaffectionately. “You’d better get going if you want to sit in on that meeting. It’s starting soon.”

“On my way!” I called over my shoulder, already heading for the stairs. Interesting. I felt buoyed in a way that I hadn’t just a few minutes earlier. Perhaps there was something to be said for serious, emotive conversations.

“Damen!” Tallulah said in surprise, standing by the meeting room door with Evrin, his hand resting lightly on her waist. “Are you joining us?”

“I thought I might, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. I don’t know how interesting you’ll find it,” she added apologetically. “At the moment, it feels like every conversation is just going in circles.”

“Well, perhaps I can be of use in that regard.” I shrugged. “Or I’ll make it worse. Let’s find out, shall we?”

Sebastian, the representative from the Hunters Council, stood as we entered, and I was gratified to see that he looked a little less smug when I walked in, if for no other reason than Verity was a close friend of mine and she deeply resented having her former fiance existing in the same realm as her.

A very reasonable position to take.

“Well,” Sebastian began awkwardly after we’d taken our seats. “I suppose we have to address recent events. Things have… shifted.”

Tallulah sat back in her chair, watching him with an entirely neutral look on her face. If it was a negotiating tactic, it was a good one. Sebastian was immediately flustered.

“Everyone I was reporting to was arrested.”

“Report to yourself?” Tallulah suggested mildly. “If you believe in what we’re doing here, then why not keep going? You can always present an option back to the new leadership—Harlow Miles.”

Sebastian scowled. “ Harlow ? She’s not a leader.”

“She’s the one currently leading,” Tallulah countered.

“That’s an interim measure. She’s not qualified,” Sebastian snapped. I leaned forward in my seat, resting my forearm on the table, and he immediately straightened, looking contrite.

“Let’s all keep calm here, shall we?” I suggested mildly. I hadn’t liked this prick before, and I liked him even less now. Since Meera had wiped most of the players from his board, he’d been walking around the palace smelling like stress, and it was deeply unpleasant.

Sebastian inclined his head stiffly. “Of course.”

“As far as I can tell, you don’t have anywhere near the sway that you used to. In fact, I’m not confident you’ve got any authority left at all—the people who hired you are imprisoned now, are they not?” I asked, because I wanted to make him squirm a little.

“No one has replaced me,” Sebastian said defensively. “Or even suggested the idea.”

“Perhaps not, but that doesn’t really matter if they don’t respect your word, does it? We could come to whatever arrangement we like, and it might all be for nothing because you’re no longer recognized as a figure worthy of respect.”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have come along to this—I was probably making Tallulah’s job harder.

She didn’t seem mad though as she leaned back in her seat. “I did ask you to bring Harlow along to this meeting,” she reminded Sebastian.

“Harlow is some kind of… tech expert or something,” Sebastian shot back, clearly ruffled. “She isn’t qualified for this.”

“Neither am I,” Tallulah pointed out. “But I have the trust of the people and Shades that I’m working on behalf of. You don’t have that, Sebastian. Not anymore, not with a whole new set of faces in charge. Harlow has stepped into that vacuum, has she not?”

This appeared to be a sore spot for Sebastian since his scent soured even further, and he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He didn’t know that Harlow was our contact and had been given advance notice that everything was going to fall apart, making it easy for her to take up the mantle. Undoubtedly, Sebastian would have done the same if anyone had warned him that a position was opening up, but wisely, no one had.

His intentions seemed somewhat more pure than the Councilors we’d dealt with before—I suspected he really did want to find a solution that would last and wasn’t overtly exploitative of the Shades. However, he clearly still believed in the superiority of Hunters, and we couldn’t afford to forget that.

Sebastian sighed heavily, massaging his temples. It was the least composed I’d ever seen him. “I’m not even sure why I’m here, to be honest. Everything has fallen apart, and I guess there’s some comfort in the familiarity of being here, you know? The landscape back home has changed so much that I don’t recognize it—I don’t recognize my place in it anymore—so I keep coming here because at least it feels like I’m doing something. Like it isn’t all completely hopeless.”

I gave Tallulah a pointed look because we had strayed well beyond my area of expertise now. I could, and would, happily tell Sebastian that he was a loser, and no one trusted him, but I wasn’t equipped to deal with the emotional fallout that followed.

She narrowed her eyes slightly at me before composing her expression into something kind and understanding for Sebastian. “You’re in a really unique position right now, Sebastian. You could be at the forefront of change right now. You could be a decision-maker rather than just a spokesperson. It’s crazy to me that you’re not seeing the opportunities that are available to you right now rather than the ones you’ve missed. You could shape the future of both realms, and you’re sitting here, wondering what to do now that you haven’t got overlords giving you specific instructions.”

“They weren’t my overlords,” Sebastian muttered, his face an interesting reddish color. She’d embarrassed him, but it had been effective too. He was clearly giving the matter some thought. “Perhaps we should call it for today’s session. I mentioned to Cora that I’d spend some time with her this afternoon.”

“Did you?” Tallulah asked, raising an eyebrow. I tried in vain to copy the movement, even though I knew Shade facial features weren’t as moveable. It just looked like such a fun gesture to make.

“She’s been socializing a little more,” Sebastian continued. “Obviously, she’s had a hard time of it, but I think she wants to find her place here regardless. She’s trying to befriend Jade.”

From memory, Jade was one of the new ex-Hunters who’d moved into Elverston House, and was not the most approachable of sorts. But perhaps she was like Theon—once you got past that hard exterior, you would find the most loyal of friends. Would Iris like to meet them? She’d been sheltered a lot since she arrived—too much, actually—but she couldn’t be hidden away, confined to socializing with the infants in the nursery, forever.

I experienced a feeling that might have been jealousy, even though Iris had already rejected me. In my stupid head, I still wanted her all to myself.

He nodded at us both as he stood, quietly excusing himself. There was really no need for Sebastian to stay in the shadow realm since he had the use of a portal to travel back and forth as needed. Maybe he just preferred it here?

I might feel a smidge bad for being so hard on him if he genuinely enjoyed living here and wanted to stay.

Tallulah and Evrin looked as though they were having a cute moment together—must be nice—so I headed out of the room, contemplating finding my brother. I didn’t think it was fair to leave these conversations resting on Tallulah’s shoulders when the circumstances had changed so drastically. She needed more support.

“Hey!” Tallulah called, her bright red shoes clicking against the stone floor as she rushed to catch up with me, Evrin easily keeping pace with her steps. “Thanks for that. That was really helpful.”

I slowed so we could head toward the main foyer together, giving Tallulah a chance to catch her breath.

“I’m glad my presence there was useful.”

“ Super useful. I mean, I’ve got it under control,” she added hastily, seemingly worried that I’d question her competency. “But Sebastian responds better to authority figures, and you’re a prince. That’s just the truth of the matter. Can you come along to the next meeting?”

I glanced at her, trying to determine whether or not she was in earnest. “Yes. I could. I was going to suggest to Allerick that he should be attending.”

She frowned up at me, planting her hands on her hips. In many respects, Tallulah reminded me of a particularly strict nurse I’d had growing up. She was prettier and more colorful, but equally as intolerant of my bullshit.

“Why can’t you do it?”

I opened my mouth to respond before shutting it again. Why couldn’t I do it? I had the time. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but Allerick was probably making it up as he went along at least half of the time. Why not me?

“There’s no reason I can’t. I’ll be there.”

Tallulah beamed, and I looked over her head to find Evrin smiling proudly at me too.

“Stop it,” I said to both of them sternly. “Those are the most patronizing smiles I’ve ever seen.”

“We’re just so proud of you,” Tallulah sighed dramatically, clutching her chest. “You’d be such a force to be reckoned with if you believed in yourself, you know.”

With that, they walked away, hand in hand and disgustingly cute.

Believed in myself? I believed in myself. Didn’t I?

I was great. I was funny and charming and strong. That was all I was, but I believed that I was all of those things.

Tallulah didn’t know what she was talking about. I believed in myself just fine. It was everything else that was the problem.