12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

T hat… hadn’t been how I’d expected my morning to go.

The knitting sat abandoned on the dining table as I crossed the room, my fingers drifting over the piles of clothing until I found the one with the sweaters and felt out the softest, fluffiest one. It wasn’t particularly cold today—it didn’t seem to get that cold here—but I wanted the comfort of the extra layer of fabric to cocoon me from the world.

Especially since I didn’t want to stay here in my room. It was a perfectly nice room, but it was feeling a little claustrophobic now. I hadn’t explored on my own yet, but everyone had been so kind—surely they would give me some directions if I got lost? It was a risk worth taking. I needed air.

I needed to… to be somewhere else. Not right here, in this room where that strange interaction had just taken place. It had me feeling jittery and out of sorts. I felt like I’d handled everything wrong. Had I handled it wrong? I probably had.

Damen probably hated me now.

Oh, I wished Nana was here to tell me what to do.

“Come on, Tilly,” I whispered, patting my thigh to encourage her over. She huffed a little and yawned loudly and pointedly before eventually making her way over to my side, booping my hand with her wet nose. “Shall we go for a little explore? I think we should. Stay close, okay?”

“Iris, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

A little shiver ran down my spine as I let Tilly and myself out of the room, closing the door behind me. Damen had proposed .

Prince Damen.

And I’d said no.

I tamped down the slightly hysterical giggle that wanted to escape. Who on earth did I think I was, rejecting a marriage proposal from a prince? I was a nobody. A burden that even my own family hadn’t wanted to deal with. It was absurd that I should say no to marrying anyone, wasn’t it? I should be falling down on my knees, grateful that he’d even considered me. That was what Nana would have said, if she could have gotten past the fact that Damen wasn’t human.

My head was telling me that I was an idiot and I’d made a decision that I would regret for the rest of my life. But my heart, or my gut, or my intuition—whatever it was—had taken the lead in that conversation. And it had said loud and clear that it wasn’t a good idea. That it was the easy option but not necessarily the best one. He’d said he loved me. That couldn’t possibly be true, could it? I liked Damen. There was a fluttery feeling in my stomach when I was around him that made me think I liked him in a romantic way even.

But I didn’t love him. Not yet.

And even if I did, I wanted to be self-sufficient here. I wanted my life to have meaning here. It would be all too easy to let myself just be someone’s wife—especially if that someone was the prince of the realm. And Damen was incredible—kind, and cheerful, and confident. And I was attracted to him based on what I’d felt when he’d let me touch him.

Maybe I had made a mistake.

No, no. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet first.

“Do you need some help?” someone asked, startling me. “Sorry. I’m Andrus. I’m a member of the Guard.”

“Oh, right,” I replied hesitantly, trying to decide if I was in trouble or not. The silence lingered for a moment, and he didn’t tell me to go back to my room or anything, so I decided to push on. “I was hoping to visit the nursery.”

“Really?” he asked dubiously. “You know that there are children there?”

“Yes.” I laughed lightly. “It would be a little odd if there wasn’t, no?”

He grunted. “I guess we all have different interests. I’ll escort you there if you like; it’s only around the corner.”

Andrus didn’t seem very interested in talking, so it was a quiet journey to the nursery, though the noise picked up significantly when we got there. He didn’t stick around, but the nursery staff immediately made me feel welcome, guiding me to sit in one of the comfortable chairs. Tilly came in with me this time, despite me instructing her to stay outside. Maybe she didn’t feel as confident leaving me on my own without Damen here.

I didn’t know how to feel about that.

“This is the quiet corner,” one of the Shades said, raising her voice to be heard over the excited chatter of children. I wondered what the loud corner was like. “Is it okay if the children come and visit with you? They were so excited when you came last time—they’ve talked about you nonstop.”

“Of course, yes. I would love that.”

“We’ll make sure they don’t all swarm you this time,” she added with a light laugh.

“Hello,” a small voice said, tapping me on the arm, careful not to use claws. “Can you see me? My cousin says your eyes don’t work.”

“That’s true, they don’t. I can hear you, though.” I touched his hand lightly. “And feel you. What’s your name?”

“Jonan. What’s yours?”

“Iris.”

Jonan harrumphed as though he was deciding whether that was an acceptable answer or not.

“Can you make shadows, Iris?” he asked eventually.

“No,” I replied, startled. “Can you?”

“Yes. I’m very strong. Feel that?” After a moment, I realized that, yes, I could feel something. It had never occurred to me that children would be able to do that.

“Can all young Shades do that?”

“Only powerful Shades like me,” Jonan replied. The tone of his voice reminded me of my brothers, back when they were young. They’d been a little grandiose then—I understood that now—but they hadn’t been cruel. That had developed with time. “All the Shades who live here at court can. They’re the important ones.”

“Surely, everyone is important,” I said, pushing back gently. “We all have something to offer. Something that makes us who we are.”

There was a shuffling noise, followed by a tapping sound. I hazarded a guess that Jonan had sat on the floor and was drumming his claws on it.

“Did you know that there’s a Shade with no horns who lives here? And he came to dinner with all the important Shades and someone said he was trying to court an ex-Hunter. My mother says that’s really bad.”

“Why is that bad?”

“Because he’s broken. Why should a broken Shade get their own ex-Hunter? That’s not right. That’s what my mother always says.”

I swallowed thickly, wondering if I’d made the worst mistake of my life in coming here. Maybe I’d been too ambitious. Maybe I’d been too optimistic. Would the Shades here only ever see me as broken?

It probably was a good thing that I’d turned down Damen’s proposal. I don’t know what he’d been thinking when he’d asked, but it can’t have been of the opinions of the wider court. I doubted any of them would want him to be married to a broken ex-Hunter.

“What if that ex-Hunter loves him?” I asked softly. “She probably wouldn’t care that he has no horns. You can’t choose who you love.”

At least, I was pretty sure you couldn’t. That’s what all the movies had seemed to imply. I was second-guessing everything I thought I knew about love now.

Jonan made a retching sound, mercifully breaking the tense moment. “I’m never going to love anyone. That’s disgusting.”

I laughed in spite of my flat mood. “I’m sure it’s lovely.”

“No, I don’t think so,” he replied decisively. Tilly yawned loudly and I heard Jonan shuffle closer. “What’s your beast called?”

“Her name is Tilly. She’s a… guide dog,” I said hesitantly, remembering what Lucas had said about guide dogs. She guided me , did that count? “She helps me get around.”

“She has pointy teeth like me,” Jonan announced, making me pause.

“You have pointy teeth?”

Damen must have forgotten to mention that in his tour of his face.

“Yup. Want to feel?”

“Jonan!” someone scolded, making me startle. I hadn’t realized there was anyone nearby. “Were you going to bite her? What are you thinking?”

“I wasn’t!” he objected. “I was just going to ask if she wanted to touch my teeth. That’s allowed.”

“It certainly is not.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Well, why not?”

Tilly rolled over, flopping onto my feet with an exasperated huff, and I did my best not to smile as I leaned back in the chair. It had been a very strange day, but a visit to the nursery was the perfect balm for an unsettled spirit.