4. Christa

“Paul,perhaps you could tell me why you think the relationship ended.”

I stared at the therapist—Dr. Richard Hill—across the room, sitting in his leather chair with his fingers steepled. His gray suit was crisp and clean despite the time of day, and his tie laid perfectly down his chest, pinned with a tie clip. With his glasses cocked on his face and his hair slicked to one side, he stared at me like I was mud on his shoe, but had nothing but praise for my ex.

I forced my attention away from the therapist and twisted to face my cheating scumbag ex. “Yes, Paul. Why do you think the relationship ended?”

“Antagonization will not help the situation, Ms. Corvin.”

My nostrils flared in irritation at the way the therapist spoke to me. I wasn’t all that thrilled to be doing this in the first place, so I hadn’t put a lot of effort into finding someone. It didn’t matter at the time because I knew how this would end. But now I was irritated as hell that not only would I be paying this over-pruned, pretentious jerk, but I also had to listen to him side with my ex before he even knew the facts.

“Well, honestly, I don’t feel we were ever right for each other,” Paul started. “I wanted things to work so badly between us, but our parents were pushing us together.”

“Mm-hmm,” Dr. Hill nodded. “And how did that make you feel?”

Paul blew out a harsh breath, wiping his hands on his pants. “Pressured.” He chuckled, tossing his hands and letting them fall on his legs. “You know, I didn’t realize it at the time. I mean, I thought I was doing what was right for everyone. My parents were happy, her parents were happy, and…” He shifted in his chair to face me. “I thought you were happy too. I’m so sorry.”

He actually had a tear in his eye. What a liar! Why was he playing up the hurt boyfriend? He didn’t want to get back together any more than I did!

“You’re unbelievable.”

“Christa, you have to let him express his feelings or he’ll never be able to move on.”

I stared at Dr. Hill incredulously. “He won’t be able to move on? He moved on a long time ago. About two months after we started dating from what I gather,” I sneered.

“And what do you think you could have done better so he didn’t stray?”

“Have bigger boobs, a sluttier dress code…Or maybe I could have got down on my knees for him,” I said, glaring at Paul.

“Christa,” Dr. Hill sighed. “It’s clear to me that you have anger issues to work out.”

“Yes, because he cheated on me for most of our five year relationship. And like the idiot I was, I ignored all the warning signs because I stupidly thought he was in love with me. And what do I have to show for a five year relationship?”

“You know, we often ignore those signs because of feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps you should examine those feelings before lashing out at Paul.”

I slowly turned to face Paul, feeling even more like a good lashing would be just the thing he needed. And the cocky grin on his face told me all I needed to know. Not only did he not care about hurting me, he was enjoying this way too much.

“Well, this has been so enlightening,” I said, starting to stand.

“Running away?” Dr. Hill tskd. “Very typical for someone in your situation.”

He looked down at his paper, further ignoring me. I plopped down in my seat and stared at the evil doctor. “Someone in my situation?”

He glanced up, removing his glasses thoughtfully. “Oh, I just meant a woman like you who is so obviously repressing her sexuality and has an infatuation with pleasing her parents.”

“I am not repressing my sexuality.”

He shifted in his seat, his eyes roaming over me for a moment. “Really? Everything about you screams that you’re covering up everything that makes you a woman.”

I glanced down at my sweats. “This isn’t what it looks like. I only dressed like this because I was at work all day in dress clothes. I wanted to be comfortable.”

“Mmm-hmm,” he nodded.

“It’s true!”

“Actually, she used to do this a lot when we were together. Yeah, she was all dressed up during the day, but for our dates, she would dress in baggy clothes and toss her hair up out of her face. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But now that you mention it, I can see it. It’s like she was trying to push me away.”

“You said you liked seeing me in sweatshirts!”

“Again,” Dr. Hill interrupted. “Keeping things peaceful will only help to further our progress. Christa, I’d like you to think back on your time with Paul. Was there ever a moment you thought you weren’t attracted to him?”

My eyebrows scrunched together, not understanding where he was going with this. “Why would I stay with him if I wasn’t attracted to him?”

“That is a good question,” the doctor nodded. “Yes, why would you stay with a man when you don’t want to be with him?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You said man. Why did you say it like that?”

“Like what?”

“You know like what! You said why would I stay with a man? And you emphasized man. Why would you do that?”

He slid his glasses back on his face and shifted in his seat. “Christa, many times when a woman represses her sexuality, it’s a way of expressing her desire to not be attractive to the opposite sex. Perhaps you need to consider that the reason you pushed Paul away was because you weren’t attracted to men at all.”

Fuming, I stood from my seat and slung my purse over my shoulder. This had gone too far, and I had allowed it by staying too long when all they were doing was insulting me. I stormed out of the office, refusing to go back for any reason. I wasn’t sure what I would tell my father. He’d be disappointed that I hadn’t stuck it out, and then I’d hear about it relentlessly until I gave in again.

“Christa!”

I ignored Paul as he ran up behind me.

“Christa! Wait!”

I scoffed to myself and kept walking. It didn’t matter what he had to say. I never wanted to see him again. I couldn’t believe I’d agreed to this, all because I was desperate to please my father. It was the stupidest thing I could have done.

“Christa—” Paul said, jerking me around by the elbow. I spun and swung my hand out without thinking, striking him across the face. As soon as my palm connected with his sharp cheekbone, I gasped and stepped back, horrified at what I had just done.

Cupping his cheek, he glared at me. “Bitch,” he muttered under his breath. “I suppose I deserved that.”

“I—” I shook my head as I stepped further away from him. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. It didn’t matter what he had done to me. To raise my hand in anger was just wrong. “I’m sorry.”

He rubbed his face, shaking his head as he schooled his features. “You know, if you were really mad at me still, you could have just yelled at me. No need to get violent.”

“I wasn’t getting violent,” I snapped, finally breaking out of my stupor. “I mean, I didn’t mean to hit you. You grabbed me and it just happened.”

He stepped forward with a sly look on his face. “You know, I think the therapist was right. You’re repressing your sexuality. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s why you struck me. A woman your age…still a virgin…” He chuckled, laughing at me for something I happened to think made me worthy. “You know, no one’s ever going to want you the way you are. Men like a woman who knows what she’s doing.” He leaned in and whispered, “If you have to fumble around to figure out what to do with a cock, it’s not very pleasurable.”

I would have smacked it again if it weren’t for the tears stinging my eyes. I never let him see me cry back when I found out about all the women, and I wasn’t about to allow it now.

“Then I’m sure you can go back to one of the women you cheated on me with. Surely, they’ll keep you busy on cold nights.”

I spun on my heel, repeating the line over and over in my head. Was that an insult? I wasn’t sure. I never knew what to say to anyone when I was backed into a corner. But I couldn’t stand there and let him treat me like I was nothing because of something like having sex. So what if I wanted to wait for a man who would cherish me? Was it really that bad to respect myself enough to find a decent man?

Then again, I had waited five years with Paul and that had gotten me nowhere. What he ever saw in me, I wasn’t sure. Maybe that was the point. He didn’t see anything. He was merely filling the role for as long as possible until he absolutely couldn’t pull off the charade any longer.

I was just a filler, a way to keep his parents off his back while he sowed his wild oats.