Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

HARPER

I hear the door close from the kitchen as I am finishing off my beer. Turning around, I see Asher looking at me.

“You okay?” he asks me, grabbing two bottles from the fridge. He opens one, passing it to me and I take a large swig.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you just confronted three men that…and you killed them like they were just flies swatting around your head.”

“I got what I needed, didn’t I?”

“Well yes, I guess what I’m asking Harper is how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”

“Harper, we both know that’s not true.”

I shrug. I don’t know what he wants from me.

“I’m fine, Ash, I didn’t feel a thing, nothing. I have their blood on me, and I feel nothing.”

“Baby…that’s not a good thing.”

“What? I’m meant to feel fixed? I’m meant to have closure?”

“No, I’m not saying that at all. But you’re not really feeling nothing—what you’re doing is pushing those emotions so deep down, and that’s not good.”

“It’s what you did. It’s what you do every day.”

“I’m trying not to be like that anymore, Harps, I’m trying to share myself.”

“Well, the problem is, Ash, I guess I’ve been shared around too many times.”

He steps back like he’s been slapped, but he doesn’t get it. I have to be this way. I have to feel nothing because if I let myself feel any other way, these walls break, and I won’t be able to build them up again.

“Sweetheart…”

“Ash, stop. This thing between us, I can’t do it right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“This make-believe shit that everything’s okay, that we’re a normal couple.”

He steps forward, brushing my hair behind my ear. “I don’t think in any world we could be described as a normal couple, Harper.”

“Then why are we pretending? We sit, we eat dinner, and we talk like everything is going to be okay, but it’s not.”

“What do you want then? You want us to go back to being what we were?”

“No, I don’t want that.”

“Then what?”

“I want you to be able to kiss me without thinking about what happened to me. I want you to know that I’m not going to break.”

“That sounds like you want us to pretend everything is normal.”

“No, I just…” I trail off because I don’t know how to put it into words. “You’re so afraid of pushing me away again, Ash, of taking things too far that I’ll break like a doll.”

“Can you blame me? Harper, I can’t pretend that you weren’t…”

“Raped, say it, Asher, because not saying it doesn’t make it any less true. I was raped.”

“I know…”

“Then deal with it. You want me too, but you’re just as consumed by it.”

He steps back, “You don’t think I want you—that’s what this is, isn’t it. Even after I told you how I feel about you.”

“It’s not that,” I say, but part of it is. Part of me wonders if the reason we haven’t gone further is because he doesn’t really want me like that…part of me knows it’s because he is scared of breaking me like I’m some porcelain doll. But both are at odds with each other.

“Harper, I love you.”

“Then show me; don’t just say it in words or kisses on the forehead. Don’t just do the things you do because you’re taking care of me. Show me in a way that feels like something other than…” I don’t get to finish my sentence.

He takes a step forward, picking me up and kissing me so intensely it takes my breath away. My legs go around his waist so easily as he presses me against the kitchen island. “Is this what you want…” he whispers.

“I want you to make me forget. Replace my memories with you.” My voice sounds shaky, but I know I’m ready. I need to feel something else than this all-consuming hole.

“You need to tell me if you need me to stop. I mean it, Harper.”

I nod.

“No baby, say it.”

“I promise.”

His lips return to mine as he lifts me to the counter. One of his hands on the back of my neck as the other slips under my hoodie. His hand grabs my breast as he groans into my mouth. His lips crush against mine as I feel him pinch my nipple. I sigh in pleasure, only feeling him and me at this moment. His hand grips the back of my neck pulling me away as he starts to kiss my neck. His lips suck and kiss and nip my skin, and it’s ecstasy.

I’m thrown from it as he suddenly grabs the hem of my hoodie, pulling it over my head with force and tossing it to the side. His lips are back on my skin as he kisses downward. My hand tugs on his hair until he pushes me down on the island, the bottle of beer smashing on the floor, but we barely notice it.

“Tell me this is okay,” he whispers, his tongue swirling around my nipple.

“Yes.”

“Say it, Harper,” he growls as he bites down.

“It’s okay, it’s…” I moan with pleasure, feeling his fingers tweak my other bud.

His lips move down to my stomach, which makes me tingle and shudder in anticipation before I feel his hands on my jeans. I feel myself tense—I can’t help it.

His lips touch mine, “You’re with me, Angel, you’re not there,” he whispers as his fingers undo my jeans.

I nod as we kiss, and he tugs them off me.

“I don’t want to do this here,” he whispers as he pulls me up into his arms and turns around, walking us to the staircases.

“I love you, Harper.” He looks into my eyes as he walks up the stairs.

“I love you too.”

We get to the bedroom, and he lays me on the bed we’ve been sharing. His fingers go to his sweatshirt as he pulls it over his head and my eyes roam his abs. Fuck me. I had to spend the summer looking at him like this without being able to do something about it and one thing I can say is Asher is buff. It’s that simple.

He laughs as he catches me staring. My eyes go back to his as he undoes his jeans, kicking them off, leaving him in just his boxers.

“I have so many things I want to do to you, Harper, and I’m going to do each fucking thing. I’m going to replace every touch they made with pure ecstasy.”

His words make me quiver, wondering what those things are.

“But right now, sweetheart, what I want to do is just make you feel good.” He climbs on the bed and moves on top of me. Holding himself up with one arm as he kisses me intensely, his fingers slowly teasing my body as he trails his knuckles over me.

His fingers brush over my neck and I tense again, feeling that man against me, choking me. He leans down, whispering in my ear, “I love you, Harper. You’re safe with me.”

I nod, closing my eyes and just try to be here with him. “Touch me, Harper…feel me against you. Your hands aren’t tied, baby…”

I realize I’ve kept my hands by the side of me, I do as he says letting them wander over his back, breathing his scent in, I feel my body settle. His fingers move down my body again. His lips are back on mine.

His fingers lightly caress across my panties. I fight the urge to tell him to stop. Instead, I kiss him back—this is Ash. I’m here with Ash. I’m here with the man who loves me.

I feel his fingers push the thin material aside as he presses them between my lips and caresses my pussy. I moan softly as I feel his thumb move across my clit. “You like that, baby?” He pulls back to look at me and I nod, biting my lip.

“We’re going to go slow, baby… I want you to get really wet for me, okay?”

I nod breathlessly as he pulls himself to the side of me. He leans down, pulls my panties off, then puts me on my side. He pulls my thigh over his hip, smiling at me. “Watch me, sweetheart, know this is me doing this to you.”

I look into his eyes as his fingers move back, slowly sliding up and down my pussy before moving to my clit. He starts rolling his thumb over it as he stares into my eyes. I bite my lip to contain my moan.

“No, baby, I want to hear everything.” I let my lip go in response as he continues to massage my clit, my body already slowly writhing against him as my breath gets ragged.

“You’re my girl, Harper.”

I whimper in response as he applies more pressure against him. I can already feel how wet I am for him, fuck, I can hear it. His other finger teases my hole. He leans in, kissing me slowly as he slides one in. He feels my body freeze, and god, I try to fight it, try to fight the feeling that I need to run.

“You’re not fragile, Harper. You’re not going to break. My girl will never let anyone break her, you hear me?”

I nod relaxing my body for him, for me. “That’s it, baby, nice and slow.” I breathe out and back in again, my fingers going to his hair as I pull him in to kiss him, touching him, inhaling him again, letting him overwhelm me to stop any other thoughts from entering my mind.

He slowly starts fingering me before moving another finger inside of me, making me gasp in ecstasy. “That’s it, baby, you’re doing so fucking good. I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. Stay with me, okay.” I nod, breaking the kiss as I see him peel away his boxers with his free hand.

I see his cock spring out and fuck, it’s perfect. I go to touch him, but he shakes his head. “I want you to feel good,” I whisper.

And he smiles. “I do baby… I always feel good with you, but right now, this is about you, not me.”

He slowly climbs on top of me. His fingers caress my hair as his others slip from me. “Are you sure?” he asks. My chest is heaving, I won’t lie; part of me is afraid even now, knowing this is with him, but I push it out.

“I want this. I want you, Asher.”

He smiles before kissing me, then I feel him guide himself to me. The head of his cock presses against me. “I’ll go slow.” And he does as he promises, slowly entering me. I close my eyes, hearing myself screaming, begging for them to stop me.

“It’s okay, baby, you’re doing good. Open your eyes for me.”

My eyes flutter open, and I know he’s paused, barely inside of me. He caresses my face before he presses in, slowly filling me until he bottoms out and god does he. I gasp as he stays there.

“It’s okay, Harps, we’re going slow, I won’t move until you tell me.”

“You can move…” I whisper, my breathing all over the place.

He starts slowly sliding out of me and then back in. “You’re doing so good, baby. Is this okay?”

I nod my eyes filling with tears, I’m so overwhelmed right now I don’t know what to feel. He kisses my cheek. “Do you want me to keep going?”

“Yes.”

“I’m gonna pick up the pace just a little.” And he does. My fingers caress his back. “That’s it, baby. Keep your eyes on me—know it’s me here with you.”

“Asher…” I moan.

“That’s it, baby, that’s it. I’m here.” He groans as he starts to really move. My eyes stay on his as his fingers caress my hair.

I’m frozen in this moment with him, lost in him—in us—I can feel the tears running down my cheeks. My emotions are all over the place, but he knows they’re not because of him but because of us.

He kisses the tear on my cheek, and he starts to make love to me. His thumb moves back to my clit as he props himself up with one hand. “Let go for me, baby. Let go of all of it for me.”

And I do. For that split moment, I let everything fall away, the hate, the anger, the betrayal, the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, and I orgasm, not just for him but for me. I surrender completely to everything and just give in to this moment between us.

I feel him twitch and throb as he leans down and kisses me deeply before I feel him pull out of me and come over my stomach.

“God, Harper, you’re so beautiful,” he whispers against my lips. I go to ask him why he pulled out and then I realize, and this moment comes crashing down around me. It’s because I could be pregnant with another man’s child.