Chapter 23

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

ASHER

“ T hat was…” Jax trails off.

“I thought she was getting better, dealing with it.” I shrug, taking a seat on the patio outside the house where I just watched Harper lose herself. “I know I can sometimes, well, you know, but that was something else.”

Jax sighs, sitting beside me. “Maybe it’s her way of dealing with everything?”

“That?” I raise my voice, pointing to the house, “That is not dealing with everything. That is shoving it so fucking deep that all you can do is be numb and fake it. I should know.”

“She did what we would have done.”

“She tortured a guy’s brother and threatened to leave him there to watch him rot.”

“They both raped her, Asher.”

“I know, I fucking know that, but that was too far. She was going to leave him to bleed out, to watch, to even have a chance to escape.”

“Did you explain the rules to her? We always finish, we kill them, we bury them, we move on.”

“No.” I shake my head. “We haven’t really gone into those sorts of things.”

“Well, maybe you need to, maybe we need to.”

“She’s not in there, is she? Not really? I’ve been lying to myself.”

“She is. Tonight, she just buried that part of her too deep.”

“I’ve watched her smile the last few days, watched her laugh. I thought maybe we were getting to a place where we could start moving on together, at least a little bit. I’m fucking delusional.”

“No, you’re not. She just needs more time. She was violated in a way we can’t even begin to understand. That guy was right. They took away her power—she’s just trying to get it back.”

“What do I do, Jax? Because that girl in there, I did not recognize her. Even when Brooke did what she did, she was still her. You could still see her behind all that. But in there…that girl wasn’t Harper. She’s not the girl I fell in love with. You know I warned her that I might lose myself for a bit, that I might scare her. Who would have thought it would be her that was the one that frightened us all.”

“Do you want me to talk to her with you?”

I shake my head, knowing that’s the wrong move, or maybe I just think it is. I don’t know anymore. The truth is I sometimes lose myself, but I’m still me deep down. But I didn’t see one thing about my girl in there. Not one look, one move, nothing. The girl in there was a stranger and I don’t even know where to start in getting my Harper back.

“I’m going to head back—can we clear this up in the morning?”

“Don’t sweat it, I got it, I have a crew coming to clean it up.”

“You’re beginning to owe Devin too much.”

He shrugs. “I don’t think so. I think he genuinely wants to help us.”

“I guess we’ll find out soon enough. I like him but I still don’t trust him completely. The Twisted Brothers grant favors. They’re like some fucked up version of genies. Sure, they grant your wishes, but they always want payment. They just don’t always state their terms up front.”

“Maybe, but like it or not, we need them. They did say this was it, though, no more freebies.”

I sigh, getting up. “I don’t know how to do this anymore. This is the first time we’ve done this without Chase, but Harper wouldn’t let Brooke anywhere near this, and we both know he won’t do anything to jeopardize his relationship with her.”

“The same way you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize your relationship with Harper.”

“Yeah. Who would have thought.”

“Listen, I spoke to them. They’re hurt, but they understand, and to be honest, they’re still trying to figure things out between themselves.”

“This has got so fucked up, Jax.”

“It always was, but since the girls, you guys have taken a step back from it all and seen it for what it is.”

“A steaming pile of shit that’s dragging everyone under?”

Jax smiles at me, “Maybe, but would you change it? If you could go back, would you warn yourself not to start down on this path?”

“No, because I do it for Ellie.”

“Exactly.”

“I let her go, you know, well, let go of seeing her for just a victim in all of this. I want to start remembering her for who she was not what she did and why.”

“That’s a good step, Asher.”

“Doesn’t stop me from wanting to finish this.”

“I know, and I’ll be there till the end for you.”

“I know, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later because I think I’m losing her.”

I look toward my house—our house—wondering who she will be when I open that door.

“I don’t think that. I think she’s just trying to work out who she is now.”

“What if who is she now is a completely different person?”

“Maybe she is. I guess you need to decide if you still love her.”

“Of course, I still love her. That’s never going to change, no matter who she ends up being. She’s the one girl that’s truly seen me and given me a chance.”

“Then you have your answer.”

“You’re too fucking wise for your own good, Jax. One day a girl is gonna fuck with your head.”

He laughs, smiling a little sadly. “I already had that, remember…but she’s long gone now.”

“If you had another chance with her, would you take it?”

He shakes his head. “No, her world is black and white, right and wrong. She didn’t get this then, and we all had to deal with that fallout. She was chaos for all of us.”

I remember that time vividly; they were just kids, and she broke his heart. She couldn’t be like Harper and Brooke. It just wasn’t in her, and because of that, she nearly tore us all into pieces.

“I should get going.”

“Yeah, you should. Go easy on her, Asher. Remember what she’s gone through to be here.”

“How could I ever forget?” I say quietly as I start my slow walk back to Harper. I will always love that girl, there’s no doubt in my mind but part of me expected her to crumble, to need me. Yet here I stand with my girl standing on her own two feet but in a way that truly terrifies me.