Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

HARPER

“ W hat?” I say, wondering if I misheard because there is no way that is true.

He takes my hand in his, caressing it gently, “I love you, Harper.”

I pull my hand from his, not wanting him to touch me right now. This whole thing is a joke.

“You love me? How…how is that possible, Ash? How do you go from hating me and being so fucking cruel to telling me you love me?”

“Harper…”

“No, seriously, Ash. When was this meant to have happened? The morning, we nearly fucked in your kitchen before you kicked me out like some two-cent whore. Maybe when you were parading all those girls in front of me? Or when you told Chase I meant nothing to you.”

Those words from the beach house still ring in my ear, those words are the only words I will always remember so clearly. The morning, he told Chase I was delusional.

He steps forward, tucking loose hair behind my ear and making my heart stop in its tracks.

“It was the night in the rain, that night you told me you felt free. That night you made me feel something other than this shit, you woke me up. Harper, I fell in love with your soul that night. The moment I felt your heart beating under my hand.” He presses his palm against my chest just like he did that night.

“Harper, I’ve always loved you. Pushing you away was the worst thing I’ve ever done and I’m not going to let you make the same mistakes I’ve made by starting a fight here.”

“You fell in love with my soul? Tell me, Ash, what does that mean?”

“It means I see you! I see that smile and the girl inside of you that fights for everyone and for her own happy ending. I see the girl who brightens everyone’s world just by being around her, but I also see the girl that, despite trying to hide it from everyone, feels so alone.” I take a sharp breath, but he carries on. “I fell in love with that giggling girl in the rain who puked all over my shoes, but I also fell in love with the girl that gets what it’s like to feel loneliness too.”

“Loneliness. You know nothing of my loneliness, Ash. I’ve felt that my whole life. My parents aren’t around—they never were. I was pretty much raised by the household staff. I would love to say they became my family, I wish I had a housekeeper like yours. But the truth is, they were always strangers to me. My parents made sure of that. My mom and dad were always at one charity thing or another or jet-setting around the world, making any excuse to not spend their time with their only daughter. You know the worst thing a child can hear? No?”

I step back away from him. “That they are a mistake. My mom told me that when I was five years old. She told me she should have got rid of me before I was even born, and you know why? Because I asked her to read me a bedtime story. Do you know what that does to a kid? To know your own parents wish you had never been born.

“When we moved here, I thought this was a fresh start for me, a chance to not feel alone. And then I met Brooke and Nate, but even then, I guess I always felt a little like the new addition, you know? They’ve known each other since they were kids and that’s okay, I didn’t want to intrude on that. I guess I just resigned myself to knowing I’d always feel that way. And then I met you and my life changed, and you don’t even remember it.”

He shakes his head, “I wish I did… I guess the first time I truly noticed you was that night in the rain.”

“I get it. You were drunk, probably high. It was at one of your parties, I was eighteen, and Nate invited us. I got a little lost in the house and I bumped into you. We talked for a while—flirted, I guess would be more the right words. You told me I was the most beautiful girl you had ever seen, and you kissed me. You got called away by a guy and you told me you would come find me later. I saw you about an hour after—you came down the stairs with Chase. He and Jax were talking about something, but I wasn’t listening to them because I was watching you. I locked eyes with you, and it was like I saw myself reflected back. That very same loneliness.”

I lean forward, pushing his hair from his eyes, that stupid floppy hair.

“I thought, this is a guy that gets it, that understands how I feel. And I realized that maybe I wasn’t alone after all.”

“Harper…”

I shake my head, “Please, just let me get this out.” My anger starts to fade but is being replaced by an all-consuming sadness.

He nods in silence, understanding I need this.

“The last year, I really tried to get to know you, even after our first night in the rain and that god-awful morning after, I tried. And every time I did, you pushed me away and made me feel that little bit lonelier every day. And despite all that, I kept trying because I knew, despite not really knowing the boy behind these sad eyes, I had fallen for you. Even after you paraded countless girls in front of me. I just thought you were scared, scared of having someone really see you, scared to let someone in, but then you said what you said on the beach, and I knew I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep being pushed further in the dark alone.”

“Harps…”

“I never really liked Kyle, you know. I guess I was forcing myself to feel anything other than how I felt with you. This last year, you’ve made me feel like I was teetering on the edge of a hole that wanted to swallow me alive, but the night I was taken, I knew it was you that pushed me in. And then I find out that it wasn’t just you—it was Chase and Jax and Brooke. Even my best friend helped push me in. You wanna know what the hardest thing about being with those men was? It wasn’t the rape, Ash—it wasn’t being beaten or starved. It was knowing you had a hand in it.”

I watch a tear fall from his eye and I reach out, wiping it away as I smile sadly at him.

“I know what they said wasn’t true now. I know you didn’t have me taken, but if I’m truly honest with you, a part of me will always hate you for the fact I paid the price for what you guys do. All I wanted was that lonely boy to let me in because I thought together we could escape all of it, but instead, you pushed me further into that dark hole, and I don’t think I’ll ever get out.”

“Don’t do this, Harper, don’t make the same mistake I did. I’m sorry; I’m so fucking sorry,” he chokes out.

“I know, but that won’t make up for the betrayal I feel because right now, that’s the only emotion that’s keeping me company in the darkness.

“So you may love me, but I can’t let myself love you, not anymore. I’m sorry.” I lean in, kissing his cheek before walking away and closing the door on us, for the final time.