Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

HARPER

W hat did I just do? What just happened? It was like all this emotion just built up and everything that I thought I had stuffed down deep just came pouring out. I had spent so long wanting that man to love me, wanting to hear those words, and when he finally said them, they just felt wrong.

I walk down the path, looking at the houses on either side of me. One being Chase and Brooke’s home, the other being Jax’s. I just want to run, to go somewhere and just be on my own, but I’m trapped in this gated community with only people who hurt me. I walk up to Jax’s house, and I go to ring the doorbell, but I stop instead, slinking down the wall beside me and sitting on his doorstep.

What would I even say? Slowly, I’m shutting away everyone who wants to help me. The endless conflict in my mind of help versus hurt. I want to scream, to hide, and for a split second, I wonder if Asher’s sister was right all along. Maybe it was easier to end her life than face everyone else. It was only for a second, a passing thought and yet the overwhelming anger that came over me at myself for even thinking that had me realizing how lost I truly was.

I run my fingers through my hair, pushing it back and I count the betrayals in my mind.

Asher’s tunnel vision to get vengeance, the way he kept playing with me, intentional or not, is the reason I played straight into Kyle’s hands.

Brooke left me to deal with Nate’s death, lied to me for months about the truth of why he was shot—was so absorbed in Chase that she didn’t see how broken I truly was.

Chase took my best friend and is the reason a man held her at gunpoint, the reason why Nate was shot. He turned her into someone else who doesn’t see the people she left behind.

And Nate…Nate faked his own death, knowing how much we would grieve for him. He then chose not to take action when I was in that house being tortured. I was just an unnamed girl to him. I never realized how heartless he really was that he could leave someone to suffer that fate.

Betrayed, alone, and broken.

I hate how sorry I feel for myself. I will myself to get up, but it doesn’t work and then I see a shadow on the floor coming from behind me.

Jax.

Jax is the only one that never truly hurt me, he owed me nothing yet owned up to mistakes he felt he had made.

He takes a seat next to me.

“Is there a reason you’re sitting on my doorstep, Harper?”

“How did you know I was here?”

He points upward and I see a camera.

“Of course.”

“Your turn.”

“I had nowhere else to go.”

“What’s happened?”

“That’s a loaded question.”

“I’m confused here, Harper. I thought you and Asher were in a better place?”

“We were, and then I realized we’re only there because of what’s happened.”

“Oh, Harper.” He reaches out, taking my hand. “I’m not going to tell you that’s not true, but I also can’t tell you that you two wouldn’t have gotten here on your own. Asher was starting to realize he was running out of time with you.”

“Because I started dating someone else…”

“In a way, but it’s not just that. I want to help but I can only say so much because it’s really not my place to say.”

“Say what? That he loves me—yeah, he said.”

“Wow, he finally told you, huh?”

“Finally?”

“That guy has been blinded by you for a while now, and he’s really struggled with it. He didn’t expect to fall for anyone, let alone you.”

“Well, he had a funny way of showing it. That man doesn’t know what love is. Because when you love someone, you’re not cruel to them, you don’t toy with them, and you don’t push them away and make them feel like shit.”

He sighs. “Harper, I understand. I’ve been saying the same thing to him for a while. You know how he grew up, right? He told you about Ellie and his parents?”

I nod.

“The only love Asher knew was his sister’s love, and she left him in the most brutal way. He blames himself for her death because he was the only one with her.”

“He was just a kid—how could it be his fault?”

“To us, that makes sense, but Asher saw her come home that night—saw how her mood changed, and for those few days, he knew something had happened, but being a kid, he didn’t know what that meant. He couldn’t save the one person who loved him. And then you come into his life being very open about how you feel about him, and he knows he feels the same way but part of him was so scared of losing you. He couldn’t go through that. He spent years alone after the death of his sister and when he met us, it took him a long time to let us in because of that fear, but with you, it’s tenfold. He tried to push you away because he couldn’t handle another loss. Ellie’s death has done something to Asher.”

“People lose their loved ones all the time, Jax. They grieve, but they move on.” I know that sounds heartless—I can hear the coldness in my voice.

“Yes, but not everyone spends days alone in the room with their sister’s body.”

“What?” I didn’t know that, oh my god.

“His family was traveling. He found his sister in the bathtub. She had cut herself; the tap was still running. He found her and tried to save her but couldn’t. She had been dead for a while. He then spent days alone in that bathroom with her until his parents came home. That does something to a person, Harper, and the thought of something like that happening to the person he was in love with terrifies him. So, in order to deal with that fear, he tried to push you away, to get you to stop loving him, and then he saw you give up on him, to start to move on.”

I sigh, “I only went out with Kyle to…I don’t even know anymore.”

“I know, Harps.” He turns me to face him, taking my other hand.

“I’m not saying what Asher did to you was right. Frankly, I told him he was an ass a few times because of it. But he’s one of my best friends and I saw him really struggle with loving you, between chasing his own happiness and trying to do what was right by his sister.”

“We went to see her today; he burned her letter. He said he needed to say goodbye to the guilt he felt for her.”

“Well, if that doesn’t tell you he’s ready to move on with you, Harper, I don’t know what will. I know the situation is fucking awful and what happened to you will never ever be put right because it can’t be. But my best friend is in there telling you he loves you for the first time, telling you he wants to be with you and now you have a choice to make.”

“What’s that then, Jax? Because I can’t see past how everyone hurt me.”

“You can either stay here, I’m happy to have you but let’s be honest about what you’re doing here. You’re running away. The same way he did.”

“What’s the other choice?”

“You go back to him, and you both try to move past and work through the hurt and the anger and the pain. And you finally try to find your happiness together because Harper, you’ve been healing him, and I really do think he can help you heal too.”

I nod, pulling my hands away from him to brush the tears away.

“Thank you.”

He shrugs short and sharp. “I’m just trying to do what’s right for my friends and that includes you, Harper.”

I lean forward, giving him a kiss on the cheek before getting up and running down the steps and up into the house Asher and I share. I open the front door, wandering through and calling out his name. Jax is right—it doesn’t matter how we got here; the fact is we did and neither of us can let that go.

I see him in the kitchen. He steps forward, looking into my eyes, “You came back?” He sounds hopeful and I just run at him, placing my arms around him as he picks me up so effortlessly.

I kiss him passionately, forcing all my emotions about how I feel for him to the surface, showing him the truth. He pulls back, keeping one hand around my waist, the other gently caressing my hair.

“I’m back,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said all that.”

He laughs softly. “Don’t ever apologize to me for telling me how you feel, Harper. That’s been the biggest problem between us because I didn’t have the courage to tell you. Just promise me you will never walk out that door again.”

“I promise.” His eyes fill with emotions as he leans in to kiss me again. He doesn’t try to push this further; he just holds me in his arms and kisses me, and for that, I’m grateful because as much as I want to rip his clothes off, I know I’m not ready yet.

He walks me up the stairs and into the bedroom, lying on the bed with me on top of him. He holds me in his arms, kissing me but never pushing. Just content to have me here like this, I bury myself into his chest and close my eyes, his fingers caressing my hair. “I love you, Ash,” I whisper.

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

And before we know it, both of us drift into a nightmare-less sleep.