Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

ASHER

I ’ve never been the guy who hasn’t gone after a girl I want, but Harper is different. I don’t want to mess this up. We have gone through too much and if I fuck this up again, there’s no more chances. I was being honest earlier. Harper is a queen—her fearlessness has always inspired me. But she’s also dealing with a huge trauma and has this fragileness to her now, and I’m worried if I make a move too early, I’ll scare her off.

I take our plates to the table, and we sit and eat quietly. I wish I could see into her mind, figure out why she’s quiet. I don’t know if I overstepped earlier or if she’s just trying to deal with everything. Her knee bumps into mine and our eyes meet.

“Sorry.”

I smile, “For bumping my knee? That’s a pretty silly thing to apologize for, Angel.”

“Yeah, I guess, I think it’s one of those automatic responses.”

“You need to get out of apologizing for things that you can’t control. You do that a lot, you know.”

“Sorry.” She realizes what she says, and we both laugh. “Okay, yeah, I see what you mean.”

“It’s nice to see you smile and laugh. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen it.”

“Well, I haven’t had much to smile about recently, but I dunno, you bring it out of me, I guess.”

“How’s the food?”

“Really good, you have a talent, you know…you could be a chef.”

“I don’t have the patience for that, plus I like what I do.”

“What do you do, Ash? I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know.”

“You thought I lived off my parents’ money?” I laugh as I watch the heat rise in her cheeks. “You wouldn’t be alone in thinking that. It’s fine. When I was twenty-one, I got my inheritance. It’s true, but I used that money to invest in several startups. In twelve months, I had tripled my money. I deposited my inheritance back into their accounts. I didn’t want to owe them anything, and now I’m a silent investor in a few businesses owing to no one.”

“That’s amazing and surprising.” She sounds impressed. “What kind of businesses?”

“Some are tech, some are property development, and then I also set up a female empowerment trust. They travel to schools and colleges, talk about the dangers of being a female. Support them if they need—we provide counseling services. And then we help get them back on track by supporting them with educational courses, pay their college fees, anything they need really to help them live successful lives.”

“Wait, what? Asher, that’s incredible.”

“I didn’t want anyone to fall into Ellie’s shoes and feel like they couldn’t get help.”

She reaches out, grabbing my hand. “Asher, you’re an amazing guy, you know, once you get behind that wall, you put up for everyone. There’s a genuinely kind soul under there. You should show it to everyone more often.”

“I’m okay, I like the reputation I have. It means I don’t have to deal with people I don’t want to.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty good at pushing people away.”

Fuck

“I feel terrible for everything I ever said to you. I didn’t mean it—I was just trying to keep you safe.”

“Doesn’t feel like it sometimes, I don’t wanna make you feel even more guilty, Ash, but if I’m honest, the last year has been hell even before what happened to me. You said some really hateful things, and for a while, I believed them. I once asked Brooke if you would ever stop, ever let me go, because every time you pushed me away, you pulled me back in. It felt like you were the cat, and I was the mouse you kept playing with.”

“I’m sorry, Harper, I don’t know what to say other than that.”

“I want to move on—I want to trust you fully. I want to believe you have my best interests at heart.”

“But…”

“But I know if I wasn’t taken, this wouldn’t even be a conversation. We’d still be playing that game, and I would be trapped in this endless cycle of you toying with me.”

I put my fork down on the table, push my plate back, and turn my chair to face her.

“You’re right. I can’t say you’re not because the likelihood that’s exactly what would have happened. But I wasn’t toying with you, Harps. You’re magnetic and even though I kept pushing you away to try and keep you away from this soul-sucking world I live in, I kept getting pulled back to you.”

She looks at me. “Why?”

“Do you remember that morning after we met?”

“The morning you told me to get out of your house. The morning, I thought you were interested in me, and we made out in the kitchen before you told me to get my shit and leave, making me feel like some kind of slut?”

I steady myself for the rage she feels, I know it’s still there. I know how that feels. When things start to feel right, the darkness inside takes over, twists everything in order to protect yourself from feeling anything other than numb. Sometimes, you need that anger, and right now, it’s the thing keeping her standing.

“I mean, I wasn’t going to put it quite like that.”

“No? I guess we have two versions of that morning then.”

“You know what, forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything—let’s talk about something else.”

“No, maybe that’s exactly what you should have done.” She pushes her plate away, gets up off her chair and sighs.

“Who are we kidding here, Ash? We’re not friends—we never will be. I was that silly girl with a delusional crush on you, right?”

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I did say that. I lost my temper with Chase after he kissed Harper in a stupid game of truth or dare and she caught the end of that conversation. I stand up, following her action.

“Harper… I…”

“You what, Ash? You’re sorry? You know you keep saying that and I get sucked back in every damn time, but even you just admitted it. The only thing that changed between us is my rape.”

“That’s not what I said,” I say softly, trying to get her to see the truth through all this hurt she’s feeling.

“You don’t even hear yourself, do you?”

“No, Harper, you’re taking this the wrong way.”

“I think what I’m doing is finally putting myself first and you know what’s really funny. You don’t even remember meeting me. You think the first time we met was the night in the rain? That was our first kiss?”

“It wasn’t? We kissed before?”

How do I not know this? How do I not remember this?

“I guess you were really fucked up that night after all.”

“Harper, you’re gonna need to help me here.”

“Why? It obviously meant nothing to you then why would it change now?”

“Because things are different—the way I feel about you is different.”

“Yeah, now you feel sorry for me.”

“No, I don’t. I don’t feel sorry for you, sweetheart. It’s because…” I can’t say it.

“Because what, Ash? You can’t even come up with something else because you know it’s true.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“For fuck’s sake, Ash, for once in your life, just tell me the fucking truth. Own it.”

“It’s because I fucking love you, okay?” I blurt out stupidly.

Fuck