Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

ASHER

I exhale slowly after putting Harper in my room. She needs sleep—her body and mind have been pushed to the brink, and she needs time to heal.

“She okay?”

I nod at Jax, “You were right, telling us brought it back for her. Thank you for following me out and making me realize what’s important.”

I head to the kitchen handing him a beer and twisting the top off mine.

“You knew what was important, Asher—you just needed a nudge.”

I nod, taking a chug of the cool liquid as I lean against the counter.

“I kissed her today.” Jax opens his mouth to say something, but I continue. “She asked me too. She doesn’t want to be afraid of people being in her space—she thinks she can force it.”

Jax lets out a low whistle.

“She's not gonna be able to do that. She seems okay with you, though?”

“Sometimes, but I can see her trying to fight through it, the urge to run, to hide, to get away. I feel her tense and see those bunny eyes about to bolt.”

“It’s gonna take her some time.”

“I know.” I sigh, taking another swig of beer.

“How are you after that kiss?”

I laugh. How am I? I don’t even know how to answer that. “I dunno, bro. Ask me an easier question.”

He takes a swig of his beer, looking at me expectantly.

“I wanna kiss her, I wanna tell her everything about how I feel, but it's not the right time. She’s already dealing with a lot without me dropping the bomb of ‘Oh hey, I know I treated you like shit, but surprise, I'm in love with you.’”

He laughs, smiling.

“Well, I probably wouldn’t tell her like that. You do need to be honest with her, though. Maybe you guys finally coming clean with each other about your feelings might help you both heal.”

“I think the last thing on her mind is being with me right now.”

“Maybe, or maybe it’s the reason she feels safe with you.”

“Last night she wanted to leave me, she wanted to stay with you, today she wants me to kiss her. I think her emotions are just all over the place.”

“You're probably right. So, what are you gonna do?”

“Help her heal, be there when she needs me, find these assholes that hurt her and torture them to death.”

“I’m working on that. Nate gave me a list of names of those at the house that he knew. A few of them weren’t hard to find, but by the sounds of it, there's a few more that he doesn’t know.”

“Well, the rest will give the others up—they always do.”

“Yeah, that’s my thinking too.”

“What about Deacon?”

“I’m working on that—it's going to take a little more time.”

My jaw clenches and I try not to react. It’s not Jax’s fault, and my girl is upstairs and doesn’t need me shouting or breaking things right now.

“Okay well, we can start with those we know about and work our way up. One of them will give him up.”

“What do we do about Brooke and Harper?”

“I don’t know, I can’t dismiss her feelings. She feels hurt and betrayed right now. I get it. I love B, but my priority is Harper right now.”

“As it should be.”

“I wanna get one of them tonight. She needs to be there.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ash.”

“She wants to. She wants to be the one to do it. I think it will help her.”

“We turned B into a murderer—we’re gonna do that to Harper too? Isn’t that what you wanted to avoid—that’s the whole reason you’ve pushed her away for a year.”

I sigh. “Maybe I’ve realized that instead of trying to protect her, I need to teach her to live in this world, to embrace and deal with her trauma.”

“Like you did yours?”

“Watch it.”

“The problem is, though, you don’t deal with it, and you need to do that before you can teach her how to deal with hers.”

He’s right, maybe I need to let go of all this guilt, this pain. He was right earlier too. We all played a hand in what happened to Harper, and we get blinded by our pain so often we don’t see how it affects others around us.

“In a few days, then, for now, I’m going to let her sleep.”

I realize it’s time for me to say goodbye to Ellie, to the guilt I feel for her once and for all, because it's the only way to help Harper. I can't help her move on when I'm living with ghosts myself.

Jax finishes his beer in one gulp before placing the empty bottle on the counter. “There’s one more thing you need to do and you need to do it as soon as possible.”

“What?”

“She needs to take a pregnancy test. I very much doubt they used condoms.”

My whole world collapses. I feel the bile rise in my throat and I run to the sink, emptying the little that was in my stomach. Jax pats my back. “I’m sorry, man, but it's too late for the morning-after pill. She’s been gone nearly a week and if she's pregnant, then she needs to know.”

“Will it show already?” I pat down my mouth with a towel, feeling like more might come up.

“Maybe. It depends on her cycle. You might need to do a couple over the next few weeks till she, erm, well, starts again.”

“You think she could be pregnant?”

“I hope not, but things like this can happen. She should also have an STD test just in case.”

“Fuck, as if she’s not gone through enough.”

“I got some for her today.” He walks to the other room, bringing in a small bag. “I got six. I wasn't really sure what ones to get, but the pharmacist said these would be right. Do two each time. You can get false negatives.”

He places them on the side. “You going to be okay?”

I just look at him and he sighs.

“Look after her.”

“I will—nothing is more important than that.”

Jax leaves, and I lean against the island in the kitchen alone before opening the bag and looking at what could truly break my girl.