Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

HARPER

I t’s been a few days since we arrived here. It’s just been me and Ash. He’s been helping me talk about what happened, though I’m still not able to talk about it in full. There’s just certain parts I’m not ready to face. I’m also scared of how they will look at me when I tell them. They all already look at me like I'm some broken doll.

Yesterday was the worst day. Asher brought me a pregnancy test, a whole bag of them, in fact. I hadn't even considered that I could be… I just went numb, trying to count the days and the truth is I'm not due for a couple of weeks, which means despite what these tests say, I won't really know for sure until then.

He calmly explained how to take them. He'd been studying the instructions. I took two yesterday. I walked into the bathroom and calmly did what I needed to do. As soon as I got out, I handed them to him. I couldn't look. He placed them on the side, holding my hand.

“No matter what, Harper, you can get through this. I’ll be there to help you—we all will. If you are and you decide to keep…”

I just looked at him. Keep it. Fuck I wasn’t ready to be pregnant, let alone contemplate having the baby of a man that raped me. He stopped talking at that point and just held me close until the alarm on his phone went off. He picked up each one, “Negative. They're both negative, sweetheart.”

I just cried, knowing I would have to take another set in a few days. Knowing that just because they were negative now doesn't mean they wouldn't be positive next time. It was just another part of the hell I had to live.

Jax pops in from time to time, just giving us updates on Nate and his investigation.

I could tell he knew we had taken a test. Those quiet words were exchanged between them. My guess is Jax thought of it. His brain works like that.

Things between me and Ash overall have been a little surreal. Sometimes, it feels like this is who we should have been. It feels almost like we’re a couple, other times, well, when it’s a bad day for me. I struggle to leave this bed and struggle to eat. My mind is constantly being overtaken by everything I went through. I can still hear him. The last guy I was with. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and see his eyes staring down at me. I know I need to talk about him, but I can't yet. Ash knows I'm holding back, but he doesn't pressure me, which is a relief.

I’ve had a couple of nightmares where I wake up screaming, and Asher is always there, ready to soothe me. He’s slept with me the last couple of days, and I haven’t dreamed since he has. I feel safe around him and it’s not a feeling I’m used to, but he settles my mind.

I fell asleep talking to him last night and as I stir from my sleep, feeling eyes on me, I don’t panic. I know in my bones it's Asher watching over me. I open them seeing him lying on the bed with me, just watching me.

“Because that’s not creepy at all,” I laugh softly.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it. Do you know why I call you angel?”

I stretch, sitting up and shaking my head.

“That night in the rain, when I saw you walking home from the club, you held my hand to your heart to feel it beating. You said it made you feel alive.”

“You remember that? I mean, I know you do, but what I did?”

“Hard to forget, Harps.”

“I just figured all you would remember is that morning.”

“Well, that’s stuck with me too, but I don't want to talk about that. That moment was the first time I’ve ever felt true calmness, just being there. It felt like everything had stopped. All this chaos and death, it was gone in that instant. The hurt and the grief—just over with it. And then you slept in my bed, your blonde hair sprawled out over my pillow. You looked so peaceful, and I realized you were an angel sent to watch over me. For a moment, I wondered if my sister had sent you.” He reaches out to wipe the tear forming under my eye.

“I need to do something today and I would really like it if you could come with me.”

I nod silently.

“Okay, I’ll give you a few moments to wake up properly and then we can leave.”

I reach out and grab his hand as he starts to get up.

“Ash, why did you tell me that?”

“Because the other day, you told me I wasn’t your friend, and I want to be. I don’t want this between us to feel like I'm doing this because of what you went through, I want to start again with us and the only way to do that is to be honest with you.”

He leans down, laying a soft, brief kiss on the hair on top of my head, his hand lightly cupping my face. “I’ll be downstairs. Take your time, sweetheart.”

He leaves the room, and I just sit there, a little overwhelmed, a little shocked, and with other emotions I can’t describe. I grab a sweatshirt, pulling it over my head before taking a brief look in the mirror. I head downstairs and within a few minutes, we are in the car.

“Where are we going?”

“I want my sister to meet you.”

“Oh”

“Is that okay?” He looks at me concerned.

“Of course, I was just surprised, that's all.” He looks back at the road, continuing to drive and after about an hour, we arrive at a cemetery. He walks me through it until he finds her grave and we both sit in front of the tombstone.

“Hey, sis,” he says quietly, running his fingers over the E in her name on the grave.

“What was she like?” I ask.

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.” He smiles, pulling my hand into his lap.

“My sister was a force of life, always there for me. My parents—well, they are a lot like yours. We have that in common. They were never home, and she stepped up to take care of me, all the while studying to really make something of herself. I didn’t realize it then, but she grew up too quick. There was so much pressure on her, but she just took it all with a smile. She really loved me, you know? I think she’s the only one that ever has.”

I want to tell him that’s not true, that I love him, but the words don’t come. I just can’t say them. Too much has happened that I don’t know if they feel right. The anger I still feel stops me, stops everything in its tracks. Anger born from fear, much like Asher’s, I guess.

“After she died, my parents moved—we packed up everything practically overnight. They paid a company to do that. They checked out. Stopped talking about her. It was like she didn’t exist. You know, I once asked about her in front of their friends and they acted like she was an imaginary friend of mine. Shooed me out of the room so quickly, and that was that. They were ashamed of her.” My thumb lightly caresses his hand, how awful to have parents that pretend like that.

“I’m so sorry, Ash, I can’t imagine how difficult that was.”

“After a while I started to lose her, what she looked like, smelled like. The sound of her laugh, how she smiled at me. They wouldn’t keep her memory alive, so I decided I would do it. Her room was boxed up like ours after the move and was all put in storage. I opened some of the boxes and went through her things. I wanted to find pictures of her, remind myself. Her clothes still smelled like her and everything started rushing back. How she looked when she smiled at me, how her laugh sounded, and then I found her suicide letter. The reason why she did it and that’s why I’m here—it’s how it all started, getting justice for her.”

“I’ll never be able to fully understand what losing her was like. I don’t have a sister or a brother—I don’t really know what that’s like. But Brooke and Nate became my family, so I guess in a way maybe I do, but it’s not the same.”

“It is, I always thought family was all to do with who you were related to, but it’s not. It’s about blood and all of us have and will continue to bleed for each other.”

“Yeah…”

“Nate bled for you that night, for both you and Brooke. And Brooke bleeds for you every day because she wants to keep you safe. Losing Nate destroyed her, Harper. You grieved, you were sad, but you processed it. B lost herself. She didn’t deal with her grief—she wanted vengeance, and I don’t think even now she’s grieved for that loss. The loss of losing Nate, of who she was.”

“Nate’s alive, though, or have you forgotten?”

“He’s still not here—he’s not the same guy he was. When we’re finished here and all this is over and done, I don’t think he’ll ever be the same guy you knew. So yeah, she still needs to grieve that loss, and she knows it. She’s lost him, she’s lost who she was, and now she’s afraid of losing you. The night she knew you were taken, she was crazed. The things she did to Kyle shocked even me. Harper, I don't think she’s going to come back from it if she loses you. And I’m not saying right now, but at some point, you both need to grieve together because you’ve both lost who you were and maybe together you can figure out who you can be as new people.”

I nod slowly. Why do these boys have to be so damn wise? The logical part of my brain knows she only did what she thought was best, but another part hates her. Hates her for lying to me, being so swept up in Chase that she forgot about me. I miss her so damn much, but I just can’t have her around yet.

“I will, but I’m not ready yet.”

“I know, Angel.”

“What if I’m never ready? To move on…you never did.”

“It took me a long time, but I’m ready now. It’s why you’re here with me, I’m hoping you can help me.”

“How?” I ask, “What can I do, Asher?”

He pulls something from his pocket, a crumbled letter within an envelope.

“Is that…”

“Her suicide note? Yeah.”

“You kept it, even after all these years.”

“These were her last words, her last thoughts before she…” He clears his throat, wiping his eye with his sleeve. “They felt important, like someone should keep them.”

“And now?”

“Now they feel like ghosts reminding me of how she died. I don’t want to remember her like that anymore. And even though I won’t stop till I’ve made all of them pay, not just for her anymore but for you, I think it’s time I put them to rest with her.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am. It's time, and maybe I could talk to you about her? Keep her alive like that.”

I nod, “I’d love that.”

He wraps his arm around me kissing the top of my head in his usual way.

“How do you want to do this?”

He hands me the letter and I hold it safely in my grasp. He takes a lighter from his pocket, I angle the letter up and he lights it. He takes it from me and pulls me tighter in his arms. We sit in silence, watching the flames burn until it’s nothing but ashes that float away on the wind.