24 Goodbye

Goodbye

Savannah

ōtsuchi, Japan

W E ARRIVED AT THE SMALL COASTAL TOWN OF ō TSUCHI ON A HAZY AFTERNOON . It was vastly different from Kyoto. A sea dominated the view. Trees and fields. But it was remote and quiet.

I had left Kyoto feeling full but also a bit raw. Seeing that many blossom trees in full bloom and seeing and speaking to Rune … it was beautiful but also difficult. It was the little things, I realized, that could trigger a pang of grief in your heart. A feeling so overwhelming and strong that, for a few hours, it could thrust you back into the fire. But I had learned to climb out of it, a little charred but not burned. That was progress.

Although Kyoto had been difficult at times, I had tried my hardest to feel the beauty there too. I had visited a place Poppy had so desperately wanted to see. And I had been there with Rune. I knew she would have been so joyful about that. Rune had taken a picture of us both together, among the pink and white sea of petals. And I knew when I returned to Blossom Grove, Georgia, that picture would be leaning against my sister's grave.

Rune had come to dinner with us all on the trip. We had talked of Poppy with wide smiles on our faces and tears in our eyes, remembering her fondly. It had been long overdue with the boy I thought of as a brother.

And Rune being Rune took a walk that evening with Dylan. When they returned, Dylan seemed lighter in his gait. His eyes didn't seem so heavy. My heart squeezed looking at the two of them—good men who had had to part with their soulmates far too soon. I had looked at Cael then. He had wrapped his arms around me without words, as if he had read there was a little sadness on my soul. As if he had had the same dark thought as I—if anything happened to him … I didn't know how I would come back from that. It made me more in awe of Rune than I had ever been. How he had picked up his life and was actually living it. He was making his dream of being a photographer a reality. He had made living for Poppy his purpose.

Honor. Japan had taught that above anything. That every action should be done with honor, with purpose. That we, as people, needed to understand that nothing lasted forever. Everything was temporary, from the cherry blossoms to the seasons to the short lives of flowers or pets to both good and hard times. Everything passed; everything started anew.

Especially life.

All but love.

Life was messy. It could break you and tear you apart. But that didn't mean that life, in all its imperfection, couldn't be made and remade into something beautiful, that brokenness had to be ugly. It could be mesmerizing and breathtaking.

Simply looking at Cael reminded me of that.

And now we were here. In a new part of Japan. Small and still. Our very final stop. There was a melancholy within me. I had fought so hard against coming on this trip. Now I was desperate to stay. But I knew we had to break out of our bubble if we were to truly move on. We had to take everything we had learned back to our normal lives.

I just prayed the strength I felt within me now persevered. I felt it would. Seeing other cultures, facing the issues I had buried down deep had been liberating. I felt like a previously caged bird close to being set free.

But we had one more stop. Just one more stop before I could spread my wings and fly.

"Tomorrow," Leo said as we gathered in the hotel's rec room they had booked out just for us, "will be the culmination of all this trip has taught." Nerves ran up and down my body like electricity. Mia and Leo hadn't told us what was going to happen. But I knew it must have been something poignant. I tried not to panic over it. But just let it come. I had become better at facing whatever life threw at me now.

I was wrapped in Cael's arms on the couch. His body was taut and his eyes haunted. I couldn't believe that, soon, I wouldn't have him walking beside me. As if he felt my heart sink at that thought, he pulled me closer. I melted into his strong embrace.

After we finished dinner, I walked hand in hand with Cael back to my room. He waited for me at the door. I needed him with me right now. Because tonight was poignant for me. I walked to the dresser, and lying on the top was Poppy's notebook.

I turned to Cael, who had been watching me with hawk eyes. His silver-blue gaze softened as I pulled the notebook to my chest. With a trembling lip and voice, I said, "I'm on the very last page."

Somehow, I had read through the tens and tens of notebook entries Poppy had left me. I had written back to her in the journal Mia and Leo had given me. It felt good to share this journey with her. Helped me to connect to her again. Through her entries, Poppy had lifted me up when I was falling down, had been the golden lacquer to my chipped shards when I had broken apart.

Throughout the pages, she had kept vigil beside me on this trip. When I had cried myself to sleep. When I had been homesick … but not as much as expected, because I had my sister talking to me every night.

But this was it.

This was the final night, the final chapter of her farewell to me. And as much as I didn't want to read it, I knew I had to. I didn't want to say goodbye to her stunning words, her uplifting prose. I hadn't wanted to say goodbye to my sister four years ago, and I certainly didn't want to say it to her now.

But I had to. Goodbyes had to be said, whether we wanted to say them or not. Like sakura, the cherry blossom tree she loved, taught—nothing lasted forever. And I—we all —had to accept that fact. We could believe in another life, find meaning in the universe or whatever we believed happened next.

But goodbyes, in some form, would always have to be made on this Earth.

I offered my hand to Cael. He didn't hesitate. He slipped his calloused, tattooed hand into mine. And he squeezed it twice. I cast him a watery smile. Tears already built in my eyes. My throat clogged, but I managed to say, "Will you stay with me …" I took in a deep breath. "For this final entry?"

Cael blinked against his own tears and said, "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." His voice was hoarse, his Boston accent thick. He was enduring his own pain, but he was there for me too.

The hotel we were staying in was traditionally Japanese. Low tables and paper partitions separating sections of the room. And each hotel room had a private, secluded view of a perfectly manicured garden. Clutching on to Cael's hand, I led him to the cushioned low seating outside and sat down. He cradled me into his arms, his tall and broad body creating a protective shield around me.

I stared out at the lowering sun and to the stars that were beginning to shine. The universe was vast and imposing, so eternal that it should have felt overwhelming. But there was something , I thought, something comforting about all the people in the world looking up at the same stars and moon every night, no matter where they were.

I smoothed my hand over the notebook one more time. Smiled at Poppy's handwriting. This notebook had once been so terrifying to me. I had avoided it, kept it hidden in a drawer in my room. Now, it was a source of peace.

It was my personal line to a sister who loved me beyond compare.

Cael leaned in close and pressed a whisper of a kiss on my neck. He trailed his kisses up to my cheek and into my hair. I closed my eyes as he did, hearing birdsong in the dark branches of the surrounding trees. I smiled as I heard the infectious sound of Travis and Dylan laughing from another part of the garden.

Life, I thought … it really was a beautiful thing.

"I'm ready," I said quietly, recognizing the importance of this moment. It was almost sacred. To me, it was. Cael's arms circled me and held me up, and I turned to the final page.

My stomach turned when I looked at Poppy's writing. It wasn't as neat as the beginning pages had been. Throughout the notebook, I could see her growing tired. Her penmanship was weaker, but her words to me were anything but.

I remembered these days. I remembered seeing her bedbound. Her breathing so labored that she'd had to wear an oxygen line day and night. Her skin had been sallow, and her eyes had looked too big on her face. She had lost weight. But she had still been as beautiful as the petals she watched begin to fall outside her bedroom window. I inhaled a long, steadying breath, then read my sister's goodbye to me. The little sister who had adored her big sister with her entire heart.

Savannah

I'm afraid the time has come. As I write this, my hand is struggling to hold the pen. And honestly, I can feel the heavy pull of death pressing down upon me. I don't want you to worry. It doesn't feel oppressive. It doesn't feel sad or scary.

It feels like I am being called home.

People fear death. See it as dark and terrifying. But I am here, at the end, and it feels anything but. It is a heady lightness that hovers close. I can smell flowers all around me. I don't know why, but I like to think it's Mamaw taking her place by my side, to guide me through these final hours. Until she leads my soul from my broken body. And I will be revived. I will be strong once again. I will leave with the last of the cherry blossoms.

Rune is beside me now. He has fought sleep for so many days. He took me to prom, Savannah. He danced with me to my favorite song, and he hasn't let me go once. Right now, he is asleep beside me, his arm holding me close.

You have just been in and sat beside me too. You didn't say anything, but we sat next to each other and watched the petals outside of the window fall like summer rain.

That was you, Savannah. The quiet in my storm. My solace. My steady breath. The beat of my heart.

I hope when you read this, you are healed. I hope as you read this final entry, you feel stronger. And believe that I am no longer in pain. Believe that I am walking beside you through life. I pray that you are able to look up at the sky and smile, knowing that I am still alive. That I am home where I belong, patiently waiting to have you back in my arms once again.

I love you, Savannah. As I write this, tears are falling from my eyes. But they are not tears of pain or anger. They are tears of joy, because how lucky was I to have had you as a sister? How fortunate am I to have had such a beautiful soul such as you in my life?

I cannot wait to look down upon you and see you truly happy. You are living your life with purpose, and you are loved by the most perfect person. I cannot wait to see you love them back. Cannot wait to watch where life takes you.

Please, look after yourself, Savannah. Be happy. That is all I want for you. To be happy. Because happiness is everything. And love. Love so hard and so deeply that it radiates from your very soul.

Live. I am smiling now. Just imagining your beautiful face full with joy and love and life.

Savannah, being your sister has been a blessing. And even though I'm no longer on this Earth, I will always be your big sister. Talk to me often. I will hear you. I have loved every moment of growing up beside you. My sister. My best friend. You are a part of me, just as I am a part of you. That can never be extinguished.

That can never die.

I must go now. I am becoming too tired. But remember, I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

All my love forever,

Your very proud big sister,

Poppy

I couldn't see the final sentence for the tears pouring from my eyes. Cael's chest was moving up and down in fast motions, and I knew he had read it too. I turned into him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I buried my face into the crook of his shoulder, and I broke. I released four years of pent-up grief against the boy I loved more than life. Cael's hand threaded into my hair and held me to him. Cael cried with me; he cried for me. He cried for Poppy, and I knew he cried for Cillian, the big brother who loved him so much but left him exposed and without a true goodbye.

Maybe, I thought, Poppy's goodbye could be from Cillian too. Because I knew Cael's brother loved him just as much as Poppy loved me.

"She loved you," Cael said into my hair. "She loved you so much."

And I couldn't feel sad about that. Because it was true. To have been loved that hard changed everything. I may have lost my older sister, and I would miss her every day, but she had loved me. I had felt her love, and I still felt her love swirling in the very air around me. In the trees and in the earth, in the wind and especially in the stars.

Love didn't die; it was eternal. It was a tattoo on our souls. A gift that even death could not take away. If you have been loved, even if you have lost, that love will never leave. It will fill your heart and patch over the holes that grief leaves behind.

We just must hold on to it when all seems impossible.

"I love you," I said to Cael. I needed him to know that. I needed that love to patch the holes in his heart when we had to leave each other after this trip.

"I love you too," he said, and I felt the truth of that down to my bones.

"We need to make a pact." I said, and Cael studied my face. "We need to promise to always be honest with one another. To share our hopes and dreams, but also our fears and trepidations." I put my hand on his face. "If life has taught us anything, it's that there are ups and down but also joyous and precious moments." Cael's eyes dropped. I pressed my forehead to his. "We must tell each other everything … even if it hurts. That is true love, Cael. That is putting your trust onto someone completely."

Cael searched my eyes, then whispered, "Leo has offered me extra help. When I return home, he wants me to go into a residential facility that will dig deeper and aid me in coping with everything." Cael sighed—he was weary. "And I think he's right." His arms were iron-strong around me, as if I would blow away if he didn't hold on. "It was seeing it … seeing Cillian do it …" he trailed off.

"Cael," I hushed out, heartbroken for the boy I loved. "You should have told me."

His body sagged with exhaustion. "I suppose I didn't want to admit it. Didn't want to worry you. But …"

"But?" I questioned, praying I wasn't pushing him too hard.

"But he's right," he confessed, and in that moment, I was so proud of him. Cael had fought this trip, fought much of the talking therapies. But I realized he had given as much of himself as he could. But he needed to keep going. To be stronger, he had more of the path to walk.

"Thank you for telling me," I said and kissed his trembling lips.

"Thank you for loving me," Cael said softly against my lips, which wanted nothing more than to have him pressed to them. Cael may not have thought of himself as lovable or worthy. But in my eyes, he was exalted.

"We will get through this," I promised. Because I believed in him, and believed that, together, we could face anything.

Cael held me and I held him in the echo of Poppy's goodbye and his confession. When our tears were dry and only exhaustion remained, we looked up, watching the stars. And I smiled. Because I knew Poppy was up there. These days, that was as comforting as having her arms around me.