17 Breaking Hearts and Letting Go

Breaking Hearts and Letting Go

Savannah

Varanasi, India

A few days later

T HE SYMPHONIC CHANTS FROM THE PRIESTS DRIFTED TO OUR BOAT ON THE Ganges. It was our final night in India, and we were attending the ceremony of Ganga Aarti, a daily religious ceremony at dusk where priests thanked the river Ganges for its purification qualities. They blew conches, rang bells, and clanged cymbals.

It was utterly majestic.

Seeing the city from this angle was breathtaking. The ghats were filled with people, candles being lit as the sun drifted down the sky, bringing in the night.

We were all silent as Kabir handed us plates made of leaves and flowers and a lit candle. I held the candle in my hand. "To offer thanks to the river," Kabir said but then added, "and to honor those you have lost."

My heart clenched tightly at that. I gasped seeing many leaf plates take to the river, people and priests setting their offerings free. Cael's head was bowed as he looked at that candle. In the single yellow flame, his eyes were shining with unshed tears.

He caught me staring and forced a flicker of a smile. He was hurting. He struggled so badly in moving past the residual anger he held for his brother. I could see he was tortured, even now. I wished so badly to take that burden from him. But it was his journey and his move to make.

"For the good memories," I said quietly, just for Cael. He blinked back tears but nodded. My heart was in my throat as he placed his candle on the plate, cast it onto the river, and it began to drift away—a symbol for why we were all here.

To try to let our loved ones go.

I held my plate a moment longer than the others, and even closer to my chest. It was the hardest lesson so far, trying to learn to release Poppy from my heart. I wanted to keep her with me forever. But holding her so close was keeping me from moving on. I thought back to what Kabir had said when we first arrived in this wonderful city. We must free our loved ones' souls too. So they are unshackled from this life.

I wanted Poppy to fly free. She deserved her place among the stars, the night sky craving her unearthly shine. I closed my eyes and silently said, Thank you for loving me like you did. Thank you for showing me how to love. I miss you. So much … Be free …

As I opened my eyes, a tear fell down my cheek. I placed the candle in the river and watched it sail away. I leaned back into Cael's awaiting arms, and he held me so tightly I almost couldn't breathe. He kept me together. I just hoped I was doing the same for him. Sometimes I thought he was progressing well. Other times, I wondered what he was thinking in that quiet mind of his.

He just had to keep trying.

As our boat bobbed on the river, I silently thanked this city for making me face death. But also for letting me see its beauty. I had never believed I could ever see it that way. But here, in Varanasi, it was impossible not to.

As I drank in the sights of Varanasi one last time, I reflected on my time here. I couldn't wait to write to Poppy in my journal of all the things I'd seen and felt. Of what I had shared with Cael. This place would always be the city that made me fall that much deeper for the boy who was fast becoming my world. Poppy had wanted that for me. She would be so happy.

And that thought made me happy too.

I wasn't healed. I was still in pain, but I was leaving this city, this country, lighter and perhaps a little more hopeful. I lay my head against Cael's broad chest, watching the holy men in their worship. Cael kissed my head, and I smiled.

If anything, I was certainly a lot deeper in love.