18 Heartbreaks and Kindred Spirits

Heartbreaks and Kindred Spirits

Cael

The Philippines

"H ERE YOU GO. " S AVANNAH HANDED ME ANOTHER NAIL. I TOOK IT FROM her and wiped the sweat from my brow. The sound of hammers slamming onto wood echoed all around us. The weather was hot and humid as the heavy sun beat down upon us.

This week we were in a rural part of the Philippines. It was a stunning place. Tropical and green, soft white sand and a crystal blue sea. It looked heavenly. Though why we were here was not so idyllic.

There was a note of sadness in the air that never left us as we rebuilt homes. At least to me and most of our group. Mia and Leo held retreats here in the Philippines, in another part of the country. A place where people could come and face their grief. That was what we would be doing soon.

But first, they had brought us to a rural village that had been destroyed by a hurricane several months ago. We were joining a charity that was rebuilding houses and giving help to the residents who had lost everything—including family members.

"Another?" Savannah asked and pulled me from casting my attention to the school that was just up the hill. Volunteers had already rebuilt the school a while back. Much of it was filled with children who had lost their parents or siblings—at least someone—and every time I saw the building, my chest nearly snapped with sadness. Most of them were younger than us. But as well as losing loved ones, they had lost their homes too. Livelihoods had been ripped away. Running water and crops had been destroyed. It was giving me a perspective of loss I hadn't seen before now.

About how truly absolute it could be.

"Exposure," Savannah said, following my line of sight to the school. I sighed hearing that word. It gave me shivers every time it was said. That was the overarching theme for this leg of the trip. We only had one more country to go after this. My blood ran cold at that thought. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go home, back to my life before this.

I glanced down to the dark blond who was permanently fixed at my side these days, the one I felt I couldn't breathe without. I didn't want to leave Savannah. Just thinking about it made me feel sick.

"Exposure," I echoed. Mia and Leo told us it was time to face what had happened to our loved ones. That the previous countries had been building us up to this—the hardest of the steps. Here, we would face what had happened to our loved ones head-on.

My blood ran cold just entertaining that. I had no idea what they had planned for us at the retreat. This part was obvious to see. We were helping people like us, just in another country, far away. In India, in Varanasi, we had been surrounded by people who had lost.

It was everywhere.

But I was nervous about what was going to face us on the road ahead.

"Mia and Leo want us to go up to the school after this for games," Savannah said, pulling me from my thoughts.

I nodded absently when I saw Savannah waiting for an answer. She stepped in front of me and put her hand on my bare shoulders, head tilted to the side. "Are you okay? You've been distracted since we came here." Savannah's eyes were worried. She bit her lip anxiously.

Varanasi had done something to me. Since leaving India, I hadn't felt settled. I didn't quite know why—no, I did. There, I had felt at peace. Like I had at the Lakes in England. But placing the candle in the River Ganges, that one simple act, had somehow paralyzed me. I had felt the dark cloud that often accompanied me slowly moving back overhead as that candle drifted away from me. I had tried everything to ignore it, but it was there, sticking close by.

"I'm okay," I said to Savannah, seeing light fade from her eyes. She knew I was lying. But I didn't know what to tell her. I felt down. Flat. Seeing that candle sailing away … it had shuttered something within me. I didn't know how to explain it.

Savannah placed her palm on my cheek. "I'm here for you. Always." I nodded, trying to push away the lump that immediately clogged my throat. I nodded, because I knew she was. I loved her so much. And better yet, I felt the love she had for me every day. "You can talk to me about anything," she added.

She cast me a watery smile, then picked up another piece of wood. She handed it to me. "Next one." I took it and subtly wiped a tear from my cheek. If Savannah saw, she didn't let me know.

The yard was full of kids playing. Travis and Dylan were in the middle of a competitive game of tag with what looked like a bunch of ten-year-olds. Savannah was reading with two girls who looked about six. Lili was drawing with a small group of eight-year-olds under a tree, and Jade was singing nursery rhymes with what looked like kindergarteners.

I stood off to the side, unsure of where I fit in. Leo spotted me across the yard and made his way to me. I was leaning against a tree, a pit in my stomach as I watched these little kids play. There was laughter and happiness. They'd lost so much, yet they seemed to have found a way to move on.

All except one. A little boy who looked about nine or ten sat off to the side on his own. He watched the other kids with what looked like envy. I felt like I was looking at a reflection of myself. He was clearly in pain and didn't know how to interact with the others.

"His big brother died," Leo said, and every muscle in my body tensed. My breathing came quicker. "He saved him. When the hurricane hit. He got Jacob—that's the boy's name—to safety, but he never made it out himself."

I felt nauseous. My blood ran cold.

Leo nudged his head in Jacob's direction. "He can speak English. They learn it in school." My feet were planted to the ground. I felt the heavy weight of Savannah's stare as she lifted her head from the book she was reading to her group of kids. I didn't turn her way. Instead, I kept my attention on Jacob. The yearning in his eyes was as clear as day—a yearning to be with the other kids. But he wasn't allowing himself.

I knew what that was like too.

My mind dragged me back to the past. It reminded me of Cillian taking me with him everywhere he went when I was about Jacob's age. I wondered if Jacob's brother had been like that too. He'd saved Jacob. My gut twisted. I couldn't imagine the guilt Jacob probably lived with because of that. That lump was back in my throat, tears springing to the back of my eyes. Because I knew, if I had been in danger, that Cillian would have saved me too. If we had been in that hurricane, I knew, deep down, that Cillian would have taken me to safety even if it meant sacrificing himself.

Before I even acknowledged it, my feet were carrying me across the yard and to the bench where Jacob sat alone. His shoulders tensed when I sat down beside him. I stared out over the yard. I smirked as a little kid trailed after Travis, trying to tag him. Travis screamed playfully when the kid got him—he was good with them.

I inhaled deeply and said to Jacob, "You don't want to play tag?"

Jacob shook his head and played with his hands. His gaze was cast down. Was this how shut off I'd been all year? Was this how I'd looked to Stephan? To my parents? How I'd looked to Savannah?

"I'm Cael," I said. Jacob flicked a look to me, then refocused on his hands. He was nervous. I got that. "You're Jacob?"

He nodded but still gave me silence. I hated it. Not that he wasn't speaking. But how this little kid had clearly lost his hero and didn't know how to move on.

My heart slammed in my chest as I pulled up a mental image of Cillian. At his smile when he'd looked down at me. "You've got this, kid …" I could still hear his voice, as if he were sitting down on this bench with us too, guiding me. I closed my eyes and felt the warm breeze run over my face. "Help him," Cillian's phantom voice said. That was my brother. He was such a good person. And hell, I loved him so much.

I pictured him throwing his arm around my shoulders and taking me to watch the high school football games. "This is my little brother, Cael," he would tell anyone who would listen. "He's gonna be the next Gretzky," he would say. My chest would fill with so much light I could have been made of the goddamn sun. He was so proud of me. Even just weeks before he passed, he would sing my praises …

"Yo, Cael!" he shouted from the bottom of the stairs. "Let's go!"

"Where are we going?" I said as I threw on my jacket and raced down the stairs.

"Let's go get food," he said, and I followed him out to the car.

I buckled myself in and looked to Cill. He was wearing his Crimson Hockey jacket and track pants. That would be me soon, I thought. When we played together.

"Are you training well?" Cillian asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. It was true. I was on fire. Nothing could touch me lately. Everything I'd worked for seemed to be fitting into place.

"You?" I asked.

"I don't want to talk about me," Cillian said. "I want to hear all about my little brother and how he's gonna take the hockey world by storm." I laughed and he laughed too. "You know that, right?" he said. "My teammates are already on countdown to you joining the Crimson."

We pulled through the drive-through and Cillian ordered us burgers and fries. We shouldn't be eating this crap in season, but I wasn't going to argue with him.

Cillian parked, and he seemed to lose himself, just staring out of the windshield. "Cill?" I said, waving my hand in front of his face.

He blinked, shook his head, and plastered his usual happy-go-lucky smile back on his face. "Sorry, kid; spaced out there."

I laughed as he handed me the burger and fries. "Your grades are good, yeah?" he asked. I nodded. "Your coaches happy with how you've been playing?"

"Yeah," I said, taking a bite of my burger. Cillian often came home to visit, as he was only a short drive away in the grand scheme of things. But he'd been coming back more lately. Been spending more time with me. Making sure I was on track for college.

"Good." Cillian stopped eating, then put his hand on the back of my neck, turning me to face him. He seemed lost in thought again but then said, "I just know you're gonna make something of yourself," he said, and I felt ten feet tall. "Something epic."

"And you will too," I said. Because that was the plan. We would do it all together. Cill smiled, but it didn't feel real. Then he didn't say anything back. I began to frown, when he said, "Did you watch the Bruins' last game?" he laughed. "Total shutout, baby!"

And Cillian hung out with me for the next few hours, then dropped me off at home. "I'll see you at your next game," I said, and Cillian's smile faltered.

"You know it," he replied. I climbed from the car, and bent down to look through the open passenger side window. "Love ya, kid," Cillian said. "Always remember that."

"Love you, too," I said and waved goodbye. I hated it when he had to go back to college. But I'd see him again in few weeks. Then in no time at all, I'd be seeing him every day. Playing beside him at Harvard. All our dreams finally coming true …

I blinked against the bright sun that was blinding me, ripping me from that memory. I'd thought of that night over and over again. Because in hindsight, I had seen signs there was something wrong with Cill then too.

I exhaled a long breath—it was stuttered. I barely felt anger when I thought of Cillian anymore. Now, there was just a deep ache in my chest that never went away. I looked to Jacob, who was still nervously playing with his hands beside me. I couldn't believe my own ears when I found myself saying, "I had an older brother too. Cillian." My voice was rough and strained as I spoke his name aloud. But the words were coming, and that in itself was a goddamn miracle.

I caught Jacob's hands still in my periphery. "He was my best friend," I said and cast my gaze to Savannah, who was tying up a young girl's hair back into a ponytail that must have fallen out. I smiled seeing her this way. She wanted to work with kids and was worried she wasn't good enough. She was. She was perfect. Feeling my stare, she looked up. She blushed under my attention, then awarded me with a wide smile.

Some of the aching in my chest eased a little. I turned to Jacob, who met my stare. And this time he didn't look away. I cleared my throat and said, "He …" I coughed again. "He died not too long ago."

Jacob's eyes softened a fraction. In that moment, I could tell he knew we were the same. Scarred by fraternal loss. Jacob shuffled in his seat and said, "Did your brother save you too?"

Tears stung my eyes. I clenched my jaw and blinked fast to keep them from falling. His question robbed me of breath. But when I thought back to Cillian, a movie reel of old memories cycled through my head. Showing all the laughter and fun we used to share—the hours and hours spent on the frozen pond, birthdays and holidays. Vacations in Mexico, just laughing. And all the times I'd had a bad game and he would crush me to his chest, kiss my head, and tell me it would all be okay. To shrug it off and refocus.

To move on …

"Yeah," I said, barely audible. "He … he saved me too," I said, because it was true. He'd saved me in all the ways that counted. Right up until the end, he was the best big brother anyone could wish for.

Jacob turned his head to the busy yard when someone shrieked in laughter. "Do you miss him too?" Jacob asked, then turned back to me. His brown eyes were wide and sorrowful as he waited for my answer.

"Every minute of every day," I whispered.

"He was teaching me how to play football—soccer," Jacob said. "Daniel, my brother. He had started teaching me, just before …"

I saw the sports shed off to the side of the yard. "You want to play now?"

Jacob followed my line of sight. "You play football?" he asked.

I smirked. "I'm okay at it," I said. "Hockey is my sport."

Jacob gave a tiny smile. "On ice?"

"Yeah. That's the one."

"We don't get much ice here," he said. But then he got to his feet and beelined for the sports shed. I got up and followed him. When he opened the door, I froze. Because staring back at me were a stack of unbranded wooden hockey sticks and a bucket of practice balls.

"We had someone come here who was from Canada. He liked ice hockey too and made these from some spare wood that wasn't being used on the houses," Jacob said. He ducked his head. "He taught some people how to play a little on land. I wanted to join in, but I just …"

He couldn't make himself join in. I understood that.

The sticks practically glowed as they sat against the wall of the shed gathering dust. My hands flexed with the need to hold one. Memory after memory barreled into my mind. Of Cillian teaching me to play. Teaching me how to hold a stick …

"One hand on the top," he said. The stick felt huge in my hands, but Cill had recently started to play hockey and I wanted to play too. "Now put a hand down here," he said, placing my other hand farther down the stick. "How does it feel?" he asked, coming to stand in front of me. He placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. He was proud.

"Good," I said, smiling so wide my cheeks ached. "It feels wicked good."

Reaching into the shed, I pulled out a stick and blew the cobwebs from the wood. I ran my hand down the smoothed surface and gripped it in my hands. The sense of rightness was immediate. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to catch a moment of peace. It had been too long since I'd held a stick and not thrown it away or smashed it to pieces. I stayed in the moment, breathing in the warm air, feeling relaxed. I thought of Cillian. For a moment, I almost believed I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder again. Proud of me once more.

When I opened them again, I turned to Jacob. "You wanna know how to hold it?"

Excitement flickered in Jacob's eyes. I handed him the stick, bending down in front of him. He was a small kid, but right then I saw a hint of life flicker back into his sad eyes. "Put one hand on the top," I said, mimicking how Cillian had taught me all those years ago. "And this one here," I said, hearing emotion clogging my voice as I directed his hand. "How does that feel?" I asked, just trying to sit within this surreal moment and not let it break me.

"Good," Jacob said, and I felt the air around us shimmer. It really did feel like Cillian was right here with me. I really wanted to believe he was.

"Good," I said and ruffled Jacob's hair. I grabbed the bucket of balls and the makeshift nets that had been thrown together too. I set them up and helped Jacob learn how to maneuver the stick, how to keep control, how to sink the ball into the net. It wasn't ice hockey, didn't really resemble it in any way, but it was something.

It wasn't until Jacob scored and threw his hands up in the air that I realized everyone had stopped to watch us. Dylan went to the shed and pulled out the rest of the hockey sticks. Before he did, he met my eyes as if to silently ask, "Is this okay?" I nodded, feeling like it truly was, and Dylan handed out the sticks to the other kids. They waited with bated breath for my instruction. Looking to the side, I saw Savannah watching me with watery eyes.

"Peaches," I said and waved. "Get over here." Her cheeks blazed as she walked over, hating being under any kind of attention. I took a stick from Dylan. I steered Savannah in front of me and stood behind her. I showed the kids how to hold the stick, using Savannah as my example. I kept my chest to her back, moving her hands, sneaking soft kisses to her cheeks when the kids weren't looking.

When the kids were off practicing, monitored by the rest of our friends, Savannah's hand rested on my arm.

"You okay?" she asked. "That must have been hard for you."

"Yeah," I said, and I knew she could hear the rawness in my voice. "But it also felt good." I gripped the stick tighter. I opened my mouth to say something but then stopped.

"What?" Savannah said, refusing to let me close in on myself.

"It felt …" I took a deep breath. "It felt like he was with me. Just now." I kept my eyes cast down, feeling stupid. Savannah's hand landed on my cheek. She guided my face up until I met her eyes.

"Then he was ," she said with absolute conviction. "I believe it with my whole heart. We're all part of the world, our own energies. Even when we pass, that energy remains." She shrugged. "I think that's why we feel them with us at times. Maybe their energy stays close by. It remembers us."

I drew Savannah to my chest and wrapped my arms around her, keeping her as close as possible.

A throat cleared beside us. When I released Savannah, Leo was there holding a hockey stick. "I may not have been part of Team USA's development team like some, but I know how to play a little … if you're game?" Savannah laughed, and I couldn't help the crack of a smile that tugged on my lips.

"You sure you're not too old?" I said, feeling a flare of lightness pass through my body as I cracked that joke.

Leo pointed the end of the stick at me. "For that, I won't go easy on you."

"Clear the yard!" Travis shouted, overhearing the challenge and positioning the nets at either end. He placed a ball in the center. I moved to it for the face-off. I looked over at Savannah on the sidelines, and she had a hand over her heart and tears in her eyes as she watched me.

That girl was perfect.

Leo smiled at me competitively, and then Travis blew a whistle he had found in the shed. And I was off. For the next twenty minutes, sweat dripping down my face and back, I wiped the floor with Leo, running around the yard, stick in hand and sinking the ball into the net so many times I lost count. I mourned the lack of ice and skates on my feet, the bite of coldness on my skin. But I felt more myself in that moment than I had in over a year.

Leo bent down, a wave of surrender cast in the air. But I didn't stop. Even as the kids went back into the school for class, I stayed out on that yard, practicing until I was exhausted and the sun was threatening to give me sunstroke.

Savannah and our friends stayed and watched me. I think they saw how important this moment was to me. I didn't mind the audience. I was so in my head, it felt like it was just me and the stick again.

I missed it.

I missed this .

Then the kids came running out when school finished. Jacob immediately approached me. He was still nervous but said, "Will you be back?"

"Tomorrow?" I said, and Jacob smiled. He ran to a woman who I assumed was his mom. She gave a small wave. It made me think of my mom. How she would travel everywhere with us for hockey. She was a great mom and I missed her. Dad too. They'd only ever wanted what was best for me. I'd been texting them every day. Opening up more. Growing closer again day by day.

A hand landed on the middle of my back. Savannah. "Are you ready to go?" she asked. I nodded, a little numb from the day. She helped me put the equipment away, then took my hand.

I didn't lead her to the cabins we were staying in. Instead, I led her to the beach. The sun was lowering, and the day had lost the harsh sting of its heat and left only a balmy breeze.

Releasing Savannah's hand, I walked straight into the sea, ducking my body and head under the calm waves. I washed the sweat from my body, out of my hair, and when I crested the water, Savannah was ankle-deep in the water at the shore.

Her head was tipped back as she basked in the setting sun, something she always did. Without her noticing, I crept closer to where she stood. Playing hockey again had brought a lightness to my chest. Remembering Cillian in a good way had chased some of the darkness from my soul.

I was mere inches from Savannah. She looked down just as I wrapped my arms around her waist and dragged her into the deeper water. I held on tight as we crashed under the surface. Then, I lifted her out of the waves, keeping tight hold of my girl.

"Cael!" she shouted, gripping my neck. She took a deep breath and wiped water from her face. I couldn't help it, but I laughed. I laughed from the very depths of my heart. Savannah laughed too, stopping only to place her hand on my cheek, a wide smile remaining on her face. And those goddamn dimples popped …

"I love it when you laugh," she said as we waded in the warm water. "And I adored watching you play today." She pushed my hair from my face. Ran her finger over my nose ring and lip ring. "You're amazing, Cael." She sobered, then said, "I hope I get to see you play on ice someday."

My laughter fell, but I wasn't upset or angry. I just didn't know how to respond. "Did I push too far?" she said, worry infusing her sweet accent, making it stronger. I could listen to her talk all day.

"You didn't," I said and kissed a falling drop of water off the side of her neck. Savannah blushed again, her freckles appearing in their thousands from being under so much sun. She ran her hands through my hair again. Her touch always made me feel better.

"I think … I think I might want to," I said. I huffed a humorless laugh. "But I don't know if it's too late. I just walked away from my junior team and I didn't even contact Harvard. I just refused to go." I met her blue eyes. They matched the color of the sea. "My parents explained it to the coach, of course. But—" I sighed. "I was unprofessional."

"You were— are —grieving. Anyone who doesn't understand that is not worth your time. Harvard hockey would be lucky to have you on the team next year. You're incredible."

I smirked at the fierceness in her voice. Then I sighed again. "I'm still working on the hockey thing. I need a little more time."

"Okay," she said simply, and I kissed her. I couldn't help it with how beautiful she looked right now. When I pulled back, she asked, "What was your jersey number?"

"Eighty-seven," I said. I ran my hand up and down her back. "Cillian was number thirty-three."

She smiled, probably because I'd given her another detail about my brother. I kissed her again and said, "You were great with the kids today."

Savannah sighed. "You think?"

"I know ," I said, then asked, "Are you worried about this leg of the trip?"

"Yes," she said honestly. The sunset glittered on the water around us, reflecting in her eyes and wet hair. It made her look like an angel. "I know whatever they have planned for us is going to hurt. Badly, I imagine."

A pang of apprehension pulled in my stomach. She was right. We knew these coming weeks would be tough. But we'd gotten this far. And I wanted to keep going. I pulled Savannah tighter in my arms. "For now, we can just enjoy being here."

Savannah pressed her forehead to mine. "I'll enjoy being wherever you are."

That sentiment was shared.