16 Loud Colors and Louder Laughter

Loud Colors and Louder Laughter

Savannah,

My favorite part of being your and Ida's sister was how much we laughed. How we thrived in one another's company. Although we had friends, we never needed anyone else. We were as close as close can be.

I think that's one of the things I'll miss most when I'm gone—laughing with you both. Even now, I'm thinking of the night Rune came to the door after he found out about my illness. He was there to take me on a date, and we were laughing at Daddy's horrified reaction from the doorway as Rune stood there, looking like trouble in his dark clothes and boots. I remember the punch that image gave to my chest. I'll miss every minute that I'm not laughing with my little sisters.

Laughter is the medicine that heals the soul. You have always been the most serious out of us all, Savannah. Because of that, I would strive to make you laugh. And when you did … ah, my joy would be unbridled! You have the sweetest laugh and the brightest of smiles. They must be shared more. As your big sister, I insist.

So, find joy in the world again, Savannah. Find reasons to laugh, no matter how trivial or minute. Laugh so hard tears stream down your face. And know that I'll be laughing along with you as I watch you beautiful and free.

I'll always adore you,

Poppy

Savannah

We were all dressed in white. It was early morning, and already we could hear people readying outside. Smell the burned-out bonfires that had been lit last night, and the excitement from the streets pulsed like a tidal wave of happiness through the hotel walls.

Today was the Hindu festival of Holi. A day where followers of the faith celebrated the coming of spring, eternal love and the triumph of good overcoming evil. The festival is a riot of color. Brightly colored water and powder are thrown with joyous abandon. It is filled with laughter and happiness, and for a day, everything is good and filled with positivity and light.

The people of Varanasi had been preparing for days. I was generally averse to participating in mass social settings. I often felt too intimated. But even I felt a fissure of excitement. I smiled at the sight of Cael dressed in all white too.

"I can see you looking at me again, Peaches," he said playfully. I decided I adored this version of him. The cheeky, playful side. He cast me a prolonged side eye.

A surprise peal of laughter left my lips and burst in the air above us. "I'm just not used to seeing you in anything but black." My heart beat faster. "You look so handsome." Cael's eyes melted. It was true. When he dressed in white, his dark hair stood out proudly, his silver-blue eyes even brighter and more alluring than normal. White clothes turned his turbulent gaze into a serene calm sea.

Cael curled his fingers into my hair, which was tied in a high ponytail. "You're going down, Peaches," he said, holding tightly to the bags of colored powder Kabir had given us all. We would be able to get more if we ran out, back here at the hotel or from vendors on the street.

I laughed again. It felt good . The lightness. This brief departure from grief. Celebrating the turning of spring and brightness, of evil not prevailing. I may not have shared the Hindu faith, but I was happy to embrace the ceremony and throw myself into just one day of pure fun and happiness within the most beautiful culture.

It seemed Cael was in that mindset too.

"Ooh, fighting talk," Dylan said, moving up next to us and rubbing his hands together. He nudged me in the arm. "What do you think, Sav? Me and you versus Cael and Trav?" I laughed as Travis stood beside Cael and rested his arm on Cael's shoulder. Travis was a lot shorter than Cael, and the sight of him trying to rest against Cael was comical. Travis's bright red hair stood stark against the white clothes too.

"Teams?" Lili asked, smiling in excitement as she and Jade joined the fray. We were all waiting at the door of the hotel like racehorses stomping in the stalls to be set free and run.

"Three teams," Travis said. Dylan swung his arm around my shoulders, towering over me. Since our talk, Dylan had seemed a little lighter. He'd confided in me more. Had told me story after story of him and Jose and their life together. Each time he finished a story, there was a new fleck of brightness to his amber eyes. It had become my goal to see them fill with life once more.

Some people you just click with. It was that way with Dylan. I looked to Cael. It was that way with him too.

He saw me watching and playfully pointed at me, then gave me a thumbs down. I couldn't help but laugh again. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was smiling. The last time he'd smiled this hard was at the ice rink in Norway. Cael was a born sportsman. He clearly thrived in competition. He needed to play hockey again. It was more than what he played; it was who he was . I didn't know how to make that happen. But it was true. Sport and the thrill of competition were his happy place.

He had become mine.

The sounds of screams and laughter grew closer as the streets outside of the hotel began to fill and people raced for the ghats. Colored powder splattered on the windows, and Dylan rubbed his hands together. "I've got you, Sav," he said and kissed the top of my head.

"You better get off my girl, Dyl," Cael warned, Massachusetts accent thick but humor lacing every word.

Dylan wagged his eyebrows. Cael laughed but then pointed at Dylan in the same way he had pointed at me. I was momentarily struck. I knew I must've been witnessing a glimmer of the Cael from before Cillian passed. The one who would joke with his teammates. The free Cael, one not shackled by grief.

I couldn't take my eyes off him this way. His dark tattoos and gauges standing stark against the white of his clothes. He was tall and broad, the muscles of his arms defined through years of hockey training. I hadn't met anyone more beautiful.

Dylan whispered in my ear, "You're drooling, Sav." Embarrassment immediately blazed on my cheeks, and I nudged Dylan in the side. Dylan's laughter was light and beautiful. I nudged him in his stomach again, and he made a sound a lot more dramatic than my touch had warranted. Apparently, that was highly amusing to him too.

"Ready?" Dylan asked, when Kabir went to the door. Even Mia and Leo were with us, with their bags of colored powder too.

"Ready," I said, gaining better purchase on my bags. My pulse was racing so fast. I didn't know what to expect. But Kabir had told me it was a moment I would remember for a lifetime.

Walking over to me and Dylan, Cael dropped a kiss on my head and whispered "I love you, Peaches" into my ear; then the door burst open into what looked like the inside of a rainbow. Just before we stepped out, he added, "But I'm coming for you."

I laughed as Dylan took hold of my hand and dragged me outside into the busy street. I barely made it six feet when a ball of blue hit my chest. I coughed as the powder exploded into the air before me. I turned to see who had thrown it but was quickly hit by another ball. It was pink this time. I could barely see the street for the colors—blues, greens, pinks, and purples. People had no particular target; it was like being inside of a Jackson Pollock painting.

A ball of yellow hit my side, and I saw Cael towering over the rest of the people in the street. He was already covered in a rainbow of colors, his silver eyes as bright as the powder he wore. But I realized he had thrown the yellow ball at me.

"Sav, get him!" Dylan shouted from beside me. I moved on instinct and, grabbing green powder from my bag, threw it back at him. Cael's face was illuminated with happiness, and it stole my breath. My momentary pause was an advantage Cael took, and he threw purple at my arm. Then he bent down and quickly pressed a powdery kiss on my lips as if to soften the blow.

I reached into my bag, Cael backing away with his teeth gleaming in the sun, and the next few hours became a melee of color and laughter and fun. Of celebrating and experiencing a culture that had only been kind to us.

We ran through the streets, our group never straying too far from one another. Kids and adults alike threw powder and colored water at us, followed by gracious embraces. The ground became a huge piece of street art, the walls of the buildings a riot of life. And through it all, Cael remained nearby. My cheeks ached from smiling, my chest was sore from so much laughter, and my heart felt full. The constant ache of grief had momentarily slipped away, and I relished the feeling. It was freedom. It was hedonistic.

It was so incredibly needed .

Needing a break, I pushed myself into a small, curved-out section of a wall, just to catch my breath. My hand pressed over my racing heart, and I laughed as Dylan threw the rest of his blue powder over Lili. Her scream was deafening. Jade chased Travis through an alleyway, only for Cael to jump out and cover her head-to-toe in pink. I watched it all playing out before me like a movie. Watched Cael's hair turn, hour by hour, from black into a multi-colored neon dream.

I was so in love with this boy that it was almost too much for my heart to contain.

This was life. This , laughter and happiness, connection and play. The simplicity of this day had made me feel more alive than I had in years. And love. Loving Cael had been the single biggest blessing in my life. Allowing someone else into my heart was a happiness that I had chased away for too long.

Not anymore. I wanted to hold on to what we had with every morsel of strength. Now that I had him, I couldn't imagine losing him.

An older man sprayed orange water at Cael. He retaliated by throwing a blue ball of powder all over his back. Laughter and hugs were shared, and I couldn't help the smile that stretched across my face. As if it was a beacon to Cael, he lifted his head and searched the area for me. Just seeing how thoroughly he looked for me made my heart beat faster.

He was pummeled with water and powder as he stopped to find me, only relaxing when our eyes met over the crowd. The expression of relief, then love that shone from his handsome features almost made my heart burst.

Cael strode through the crowds, colored powder and water still hitting every part of him. When he ducked into the alcove that gave me shelter and a hiding place, he laughed. "You suit all these colors, Peaches. How's that possible?"

I laughed too. It felt amazing. "You suit them too." I smudged a mess of pink and red and blue on his cheek with the back of my hand.

"You okay?" he asked. Several hours had passed and the streets were slowly clearing, the city readying for the evening's calmer celebrations.

"I'm good," I said and held Cael's hand. I didn't know what had happened this morning, but the thread I felt tied us together had pulled even tighter, grown stronger. His hands ran up and down my bare arms, mixing the paint. Goose bumps spread in his wake. Butterflies invaded my stomach, and I felt breathless. There was a shift between us somehow.

"You look beautiful," he said, and I felt those words right down to my bones.

I couldn't stop touching him. I felt the lightness coming from him as powerful as the midday sun in Georgia. It was a glimpse of what we could have. Of what our future could be like. Us , healed and unburdened of our heavy grief. A glimpse into a future where we could laugh often and not awake in pain. Where we could remember Poppy and Cillian and not feel like we were drowning but floating instead—twin feathers drifting on calm seas.

"I love you," Cael said and ran the tip of his nose down my cheek. I knew he was feeling this strange new turn in our relationship too. Like we were soldered together, unable to be parted. My heart was beating a rhythm of his name, wanting to brand him to my soul. I wanted him closer somehow. No, needed it. Craved it. I wanted him to know every part of me. I wanted our souls to collide. I tried to pinpoint when we had reached this new turn in our relationship. It had been coming on so gradually that it had snuck up on us both silently. But it could have been the way we had both opened to each other, bearing our fears and deepest scars. It could have been how we had learned to trust one another by holding each other up in our times of need. Or it could be the laughter we had shared when we allowed ourselves to be free and temporarily unburdened by grief.

Or it could simply be that we finally understood that we were soulmates, and only sharing a lifetime could possibly make us closer than we already were.

Cael kissed me then. It was deep and all consuming, but there was an affirming touch to it too. It was a kiss that I could feel changed us. A kiss that promised a future, a partner, a bright soul to help carry us through any path of darkness we may encounter.

Cael's hand wrapped loosely around my ponytail. "I can't believe I met you," he whispered against my lips. Familiar flutters dove through my body. Butterflies that answered solely to the command of Cael's kisses and touch. "Every day I wake up, and I thank the universe that it brought you to me." Cael shook his head as in disbelief. "How have I been so lucky?" He exhaled. "I don't deserve you, Sav. And I won't ever take you for granted."

His heartfelt words made me breathless.

Cael kissed and kissed me. He kissed me until the crowds dispersed and the first part of the day was done, a spilled rainbow on the ground the only evidence of the celebration that had taken place. When Cael lifted his head, I stared into his eyes and saw my love and affection pouring right back at me.

He was my mirror in every way.

We hung, suspended in the moment, air crackling around us. In this moment, an incredible urge took hold of me. The laughter, the color, the love that had been launched in the very air around us heightened everything . I wanted to seize life. I wanted to reach out for it and never let it go, live it while I was here, happy and healthy and wrapped in gratefulness. Grateful for my health and this boy who held my heart so carefully in his cradled palms.

Cael's bright eyes spoke of the same need. I laughed again as I took in the sight of us. Cael's wide smile graced his face once more. He had a tiny dimple that appeared. I hadn't seen it before. I hadn't seen him smile so big. It was perfection, his dimple …

That seemed to match mine too.

"We're a mess," I said and tried to brush away some of the powder from our clothes and skin. It didn't help. We were caked in a smorgasbord of colors.

Cael's head tipped to the side. "You look like the Aurora Borealis," he said, and my breath caught in my chest. We did. Both of us. Another memory I would treasure for a lifetime. Especially as Cael had been there with me then too.

Cael slipped his hand into mine. "Let's go back to the hotel, Peaches." He silently led me from the secluded alcove and into the streets as this new aura danced around us. Residual laughter could still be heard in the distance from the ghats. This city, where life met death, was a marvel. It made life not feel like such a scary place. Because that's what I had been—scared of living after Poppy's passing. Terrified of my small, comfortable life changing. But life did change. That's what Varanasi taught loudly and out in the open.

Life changed. People changed. That was the journey of humankind. One that we had no choice but to embrace.

I went back to my room and showered, still smiling at the colors smothering the clear water as it circled the drain. When I was clean, I put on another white outfit. I left my damp hair down and in loose curls and joined the rest of the group in the rec room. Cael was talking to Travis. He was still smiling, still energized.

And I was still madly, hopelessly in love with him.

"You look at him like I looked at Jose," Dylan said quietly, suddenly appearing at my side.

"Dylan …" I said, when my heart fell. I didn't want to cause Dylan pain or discomfort through my relationship with Cael.

Dylan shook his head. "No. It's a good thing, Sav. It's …" He swallowed. "It's beautiful to see. It gives me hope too, you know? That maybe one day I could have it again."

I threw my arms around his waist and held him. "You will. I know you will. You're too amazing to not have it again when you're ready." Dylan kissed the top of my head.

"What have I told you about kissing my girl, Dylan," Cael said, humor in his voice. I stepped back from Dylan when Cael playfully pulled me into his arms. He immediately cocooned me and kissed me on my cheek. I was filled with instant warmth, and that static that had risen between us was still there—stronger, if possible. Dylan jokingly rolled his eyes.

"If everyone is ready, let's head down to the river," Mia said. All the group was squeaky clean after the earlier celebrations, only a few patches of faded color staining our skin, that I felt would take many more showers to dispel. Cael kept me wrapped tightly in his arms. Even the weight of that show of affection seemed easier for him today. I wanted to hold on to this side of Cael for as long as I could.

Lights flickered in the streets as dusk set in. It was peaceful, quiet, after a morning and afternoon of chaos. You could almost feel the sanctity of the festival thickening the air with every step you walked, only building when we reached a ghat and sat down upon the steps just to watch and drink in the culture. To observe a world far removed from our own.

"People will spend the evenings going to temples for Pooja ," Kabir explained softly. I was in awe at the peace around us. At the quietness. I leaned my head on Cael's shoulder and let my body absorb the stillness, the religious significance of this city to the people who have traveled here for an array of reasons. I became lost watching people move in and out of the temples. The sound of religious music filled the air, and I watched as holy men performed rituals on the stone steps we sat on. I saw how much this festival meant to them in their hearts and souls.

The night drew on, and I held tightly to Cael, mesmerized. I didn't know if it was the high emotion of the day, the spirituality I could feel swirling in every inch of air, but I felt changed somehow. This was how Poppy must have felt , I thought, not for the first time. And experiencing the peace she lived with in her steadfast faith filled another part of the pit that sat in my heart. It's why she wasn't scared . I couldn't have been more thankful that she had that faith, to help her face death with such bravery and grace.

Cael pressed a kiss on my head, and I tipped my chin to see him. He turned his attention from the chanting holy men to me. Our gazes caught and something deeper burrowed within them. I couldn't explain it. It was just … more . Some soul-level blessing that he brought to my life coming alive between us. Goose bumps broke out all over my body. But not from fear. From rightness . Like the universe I studied and adored so much was screaming at me that he was mine, and I was his.

I knew Cael was my forever. Maybe it was Poppy sending that confirmation to me. I didn't want to live one more day where he didn't know how truly loved and cherished he was.

I wanted to give him all of me. If losing Poppy had taught me anything, it was that time is fleeting. I no longer wanted to wait a single minute to show him how loved he was. So I curled into his side and counted down the seconds until we could be alone.

Once I was back in my room, I waited impatiently for Leo and Mia to do their final checks. When they had said their goodnights and gone to their own rooms, I got to my feet. I knew I was disobeying their rules and breaking their trust with what I had planned to do, but I needed Cael. That was the only way I could explain it. I wanted to show him all my love, and in my heart, I felt that was worth the risk of being caught.

I had just reached the door when a soft, almost-nothing knock sounded on the other side. Confused at who that could be, I opened the door, only to find Cael on the other side. He was busy searching the hallway, clearly making sure he hadn't been seen, when he met my eyes. He swallowed, looking beautifully nervous. He opened his mouth to speak, when I took his hand and guided him inside my room. I didn't need an explanation for why he was here. I was feeling it too.

I shut the door silently, then turned to face him. When our eyes met, nerves trickled through my veins. Not bad nerves, but nerves that were set alight and pulsing with life . By the intensity in Cael's eyes, I could see he wanted to be with me too. I watched him swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat underneath the tattoos that tried to disguise his grief. But I saw the boy he was underneath. I had always been able to see who he truly was inside.

I took hold of Cael's hand. "Sav …" he whispered, his deep voice filling the room with an unspoken question. I kissed his palm, then each of his fingers. His were shaking slightly. "Sav," he said again, words evading him.

"I want this," I said and closed the space between us. I brought my lips to his. Cael's kiss was tentative, gentle, and so, so careful. He held me like I was fragile, a prized possession he couldn't bear to part with. I felt that way about him too.

Without breaking from his lips, I slowly guided us to my bed. As we lay down, Cael lifted above me and met my eyes. He pushed my hair back from my face. "Are you sure?" he said, checking it was what I wanted.

"Yes," I said, voice strong with conviction. But I swallowed some trepidation when I said, "I've … I've never done this before."

His forehead pressed to mine. "Neither have I." I burst with light, exhaling the last of any nervousness that lived in my heart.

"I love you," I said and slowly lifted his shirt over his head.

"I love you too," he said and reached into his jeans' back pocket for his wallet. He took out protection, and I waited for more of my nerves to hit. But they didn't come. My conviction held strong.

I was done with being scared of everything and anything, of not embracing life's moments because of fear. Instead, I wanted to embrace love and all that it brought—the joy, the wonder, the headiness. I wanted Cael more than breathing, and I wanted to be with him in every way.

I wanted to live .

With adoration in his silver-blue gaze, Cael kissed me and melted against my body, making me completely his. He held my hands, squeezing them twice. My heart bloomed as he did. And he kissed me, soft and sweet. He treasured me, respected me, and cared for me more than I believed possible.

He made me his until we were one existing soul. Nothing had ever felt so special.

Afterward, he held me to his chest and kissed my head. I ran my hand up his sternum and to the ship that was tattooed into his pale skin. Cael's fingers stroked through my hair, playing with the curls the humidity brought out. I'd never felt so at peace. So content. I closed my eyes when I realized my mind had calmed. It brought tears to my eyes.

"Sav?" Cael said, stilling when my tear hit his chest and ran down his stomach. He lifted my head toward him with a finger under my chin. Worry etched his features when I met his gaze.

"My thoughts are calm," I whispered, a watery smile pulling on my lips. Cael studied me closely, until I saw he understood what I meant. And that it was a good thing.

"Yeah?" he said in a hushed whisper and ran his fingertip down my cheek. Love shone from his every movement. I never wanted to be parted from this boy ever again.

"My anxiety …" I paused, trying to explain. "My head is always full, thoughts racing. It makes me feel out of control. Overwhelmed." I smiled and studied the tattoos on his stomach. "Now …" I trailed off and threaded my fingers through his. I looked up at him again. "With you … like this," I said, blushing. Cael's lip tugged up, showing a hint of a smile. I'd come to understand that he loved it when I blushed. "When I'm with you, it calms."

Cael cradled my cheek with his free hand. "Because your heart knows I'll protect you." He swallowed, showing vulnerability. "That I'll always keep you safe." His voice turned gravelly. "That I'll never stop loving you." My chest bloomed with warmth. "Because I couldn't love you more if I tried." Cael shifted down until we were facing one another. He kissed me, and I knew after tonight nothing between us would ever be the same. I had given him my heart to hold, and he had given me his.

But I trusted Cael to keep it safe—to keep me safe. I trusted him with everything I was.

Cael pulled me back into his chest, and I lay against him. I cherished this boy. He understood me, and I understood him. Our path to healing was still ongoing and I didn't know what lay ahead, but right now, in this moment, we were, for once, at peace. Minutes and minutes ticked by, until Cael said, "I better go back to my room, Peaches. I don't want us to get in trouble."

"Okay," I said but held him tightly just for a few more seconds. Cael's affectionate chuckle made me smile. He dressed, and leaning down, he placed his hand on my cheek and kissed me so softly my heart melted.

"See you tomorrow, baby," he said, then went to the door, looking back at me over his shoulder before he snuck back into the hallway and returned to his own room.

I lay back in my bed and felt so happy I thought I would burst. I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep and wanted so badly to shout my love for Cael from the rooftops. I wanted everyone to know we had fallen in love, and it felt incredible. So, I reached for my phone and called the person I knew would understand the gravity of what had just happened. Ida answered on the second ring. "Savannah!" she said, her happiness radiating through my cell phone.

"Ida …" I whispered. "I have so much to tell you …"