9 Snow Flutters and Unburdened Laughter

Snow Flutters and Unburdened Laughter

Cael

Troms?, Norway

T HE VIEW THAT MET US DIDN'T SEEM REAL. I TURNED IN A CIRCLE, LOOKING at the snow-covered mountains, at the wooden houses that were scattered around us—red and brown, the colors of fall leaves, next to pinks and blues and greens: summer tones.

Troms?.

Early this morning we had taken a short flight north to this town. For a hockey player, it was a paradise. Ice and snow and the bitter cold whipped around us. But the sky was crystal clear. Not a single cloud, the sun bright and blinding.

"Incredible," Savannah whispered beside me. I glanced down at her. Her blue eyes were wide and filled with awe as she drank in the sights. "It's like a dream," she said and held my hand tighter. My lip tugged up in a small smile as I focused on our joined hands. From the minute we'd gathered early this morning to go to the airport, I had threaded my hand through Savannah's and had barely let go.

We had made a pact. An electric, buzzing feeling was passing through my veins. I had awoken this morning with the same sense of dread I always did. But I had brought Savannah's face to my mind and managed to push it aside. We had a deal. And I wanted the break from pain that she'd suggested more than I wanted my next breath.

I had fought and fought the darkness that was trying to settle into my bones, until I saw her in the hallway and focused on the shy smile on her pretty face. I had immediately reached for her hand, ignoring the shocked silence from the rest of the group seeing us that way.

The minute our fingers had gripped on to one another, the darkness was pushed back by a strike of pure light. Without words, Savannah and I had told each other that for now, our grief wouldn't win.

That we'd award ourselves freedom from sadness, for as long as we could hold it off. We weren't naive. Holding off the pain of missing our older siblings was a temporary measure, a standoff to the invading forces that were too strong to overcome completely. But we would wear our armor and fight them off for as long as we could manage.

We would steal back some temporary joy.

The daylight was already fading; Troms?'s hours of sunlight were limited in the winter. But from what everyone had said, this city thrived in the darkness.

"We'll head to our accommodation now," Leo said and pointed behind him. A large wooden hotel was dressed from ground to top in days old snow. In fact, every part of the city was covered in the remnants of snow. The roofs of the buildings and the mountains. The only things that weren't were the fjords that dominated the view. Coming from Massachusetts, I was used to snow. But to see Savannah's reaction to this place, all wide-eyed and awestruck, made the muscles on my chest pull tight.

She'd never seen fresh falling snow.

I hoped that we'd see it before we left. I couldn't imagine never knowing what it was like to feel flakes hit your face, to feel the bites of ice snowflakes brought to your skin.

We carried our bags into the hotel, a large roaring fire in the reception. Savannah stilled, looking at a picture on the wall. It was a blown-up photograph taking up a large percentage of the decor.

"Aurora borealis," she murmured, and her hand tightened in mine. She swung her head to me. "It's always been a dream of mine to see it."

"The visibility is poor tonight," the man on the reception said, catching Savannah's wide-eyed gaze on the picture. "But you'll be able to see it in a couple of days."

The smile that graced her face nearly knocked me down. Savannah was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen in my life. Her smile and those damn dimples floored me. She'd swept into my living hell and cast me an unexpected lifeline. I'd dreaded this trip, fought it with all I had.

That was before I knew Savannah Litchfield waited on the other side.

I nudged Savannah's shoulder. "Look at you with all that knowledge." She blushed. I wanted to run my fingers over her red cheeks. So, I did. I caught her breathing hitch under my touch, and her blush deepened and appeared down the side of her neck.

"I like science," she said, as if it was a throwaway comment, not that important. I'd noticed that about her. She diminished anything unique and special about her. It was apparent she was some kind of genius but shunned and ran from any form of praise.

She'd already told me that she was going to Harvard. I didn't know what she was going to study, but just getting accepted told me how smart she was. She was always reading, silently absorbing the world around her like it was her own personal science project. I wanted to ask her what she was going to study, but I felt a pain in my chest when I tried to. It always held me off. Harvard made me think of Cill. Now, on top of that, was the fact that I wouldn't be going either.

A gutting, sharp pain twisted my gut when I realized that if Cill hadn't died, I'd have gone there as planned, and Savannah would have eventually been there too. We might have met when we weren't so broken. What would that have been like? Would we still have had this connection? Or were we only bound by grief?

Two tight squeezes hurtled me back from my inner thoughts. Savannah moved in front of me, guiding me to meet her eyes. "Okay?" she said, understanding I had slipped back into the shadows.

I pushed them aside and took a long, deep breath. "Yeah," I said and pressed my forehead to hers. "I'm here." I'm back. I'm still wanting to keep our deal.

"So," Dylan said, as he came to stand between us. There was humor in his face. "You two want to share anything with the group?" I shook my head. Whatever this was was ours alone. Truth was, I had no idea what Savannah and I were to each other. I thought of her constantly, fell asleep with her shy smile in my mind. We both held hands and held each other up.

I wanted us to be more. But I didn't know if she was in a place to accept that. Didn't know if I had anything left inside of me to give her. Didn't know if my darkness was fading for good or it would rise and eventually destroy what I had with her like it had done with my parents and best friend. Right now, it was my biggest fear. But with Savannah, telling her about Cillian, about hockey, opening up … it seemed to have taken away its power.

Mia came over and gave us our room keys. She gathered us around the fireplace. "Tonight is yours. But tomorrow …" She smiled widely. "I don't want to spoil things, but what you will see while we're here is …" She shrugged smugly, leaving us dangling. "You'll see."

"Shall we check out the town?" Travis said to the group. We all nodded. "Meet back here in twenty?"

I reluctantly let go of Savannah's hand and dumped my case in my room. I went back downstairs after only a few minutes. Being in my room alone would only take me back to a dark place. Dylan already sat beside the fire. He was flicking through pictures on his phone. I sat down on the seat next to him, catching a picture of him with a dark-haired guy. He quickly put it in his pocket.

"Hey," he said and pointed to the clock on the wall. "You didn't want to hang around your room either?" I shook my head. I stared at the stairs, waiting for Savannah. My leg bounced as the minutes ticked by. This place … being around so much ice and snow. It was full of triggers for me. That was the worst thing—my favorite things, since Cill, had become personal land mines.

"So, you and Savannah?" Dylan said, taking me from inside my head.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is that a problem for you?" I asked and heard the bite of jealousy in my tone.

Dylan held up his palms and clearly found humor in my question. "Not from me," he said, then nudged my shoulder. "I think you look good together." I knew he and Savannah had grown close. She seemed to be able to speak to him easily. I knew how rare that was for her.

"You don't like her as more than a friend?"

Dylan quickly sobered up, and something I couldn't name haunted his amber eyes. "Trust me," he said quietly. "I'm no threat." He let that hang in the air between us, heavy and laced with meaning. His eyes implored me to understand something about him, something he didn't—or couldn't —say out loud. I didn't push him. Whatever he was insinuating was his truth to share, if and when he felt the need.

"Cool," I said and saw his shoulders relax, a relieved sigh falling from his lips. Just then, I heard the sound of feet on stairs, and Jade, Lili, and Travis came toward us. Savannah was only a few seconds behind them. I jumped to my feet and immediately held out my hand to hers. She didn't hesitate to take it, and instantly, I could breathe easier.

I didn't know how she did it, but her presence, her touch, her quiet nature were a damn tonic to my soul. Travis led the way from the hotel and we all stopped dead, just feet from the hotel's exit. Darkness had fallen since we'd gone inside. Troms?, without the sun, looked like something pulled straight from a fairy tale.

"The stars …" Savannah said and looked up at the sky, which looked like a painting. I'd never seen so many stars before. Didn't know that many even existed.

Savannah tensed, and I sensed the sudden change in her mood. I looked down at her, and she dipped her head, eyes meeting the ground. Like I'd done before, I placed a finger from my free hand under her chin and guided her head up. Her blue eyes were glistening with unshed tears. I didn't know the trigger, but it obviously wasn't good. Making sure she kept my gaze, I squeezed her hand twice.

Savannah closed her eyes and quickly composed herself. When she opened her eyes again, she forced a reassuring smile on her face, and I knew she was trying her hardest to push away her sudden rush of sadness.

"Okay?" I whispered, checking in. The others turned away to walk down the street, oblivious to us trying to battle our shadows away.

"Yes," she rasped, shyly tucking her head into my chest. I dropped a kiss to the top of her pink beanie, wishing more than anything that it was her lips I was meeting. Savannah pulled back and cast me a shy glance under her eyelashes.

She was perfect.

"Cael! Sav!" Travis called from down the street. "You coming?" As Savannah and I walked hand in hand, the snow crunched under our feet. When we met up with the group at the end of the street, we came to a patch of land. Savannah crouched down and slipped off her glove. She freed her hand from mine, and I felt the instant loss. With her now bare hands, Savannah picked up the snow that must have fallen before we arrived.

A pearl of laughter sailed from her throat as her hands sank down to her elbows. I'd never heard anything so perfect. I couldn't help but smile too when she looked up at me, dimples deep, and she laughed again. My Georgia peach who was so used to the southern sun and heat was absolutely captivated by a couple of feet of snow.

She was teaching me more on this trip than anyone ever had. She was teaching me that happiness didn't have to be big gestures and life-changing moments. It could be just this . Witnessing someone seeing snow for the first time. Hearing someone laugh, true and honest. I didn't know something so simple could hit me so hard. Since Cillian, nothing, not one single thing, had brought me happiness.

Until her.

It was almost painful to feel it. And yet so fucking sad that it ripped me open. To go as long as I had without feeling the smallest flicker of joy, happiness, or contentment.

Looking at Savannah pressing both hands into the snow, another light laugh slipping from her lips, made me want to bottle up the sound and keep it for the days I couldn't get out of bed. This girl … she made me want to be more than the shell of a person I'd been for the past year.

"Ow!" Dylan yelled from somewhere behind us. I turned, just in time to see Travis pelt a snowball at Dylan's back.

Dylan turned his head to Travis. "You don't know what you've just started, Trav." Dylan scooped up a handful of snow and fired it back at Travis. Joining in, Jade and Lili began gathering snow, launching it at anything and anyone in sight.

I bent down and pulled Savannah to her feet, throwing her behind me just in time for a snowball to land right on my chest. She grabbed on to the back of my coat, using me as a shield. But I caught the tinkling of her light laughter.

Dylan began to run when I saw he was the one who'd thrown it. Bending down, I grabbed snow and formed it into a tight ball. I launched it at Dylan as he ran toward Travis, hitting him in the back.

"Cael!" he shouted, only for Travis to aim for me too, a flash of protectiveness for Dylan apparent behind his thick-framed glasses. Shaking off any negative feelings, any harbored hard memories and thoughts the snow brought, I threw myself into the moment, Savannah staying behind me the entire time. Jade and Lili screamed as Travis pushed them both down in the thick snow. Dylan and Travis laughed, the united sound of us all momentarily forgetting it all to just have some fun.

The patch of snow-covered grass we were on was long and wide with a sloping hill. Dylan and Travis began running after one another, trying to tackle one another to the ground, Lili and Jade following close behind. Everyone was covered head to toe in white. I turned to find Savannah, but as I did, a snowball hit my chest again. I looked up in shock, only to see Savannah's gloves packed with snow and an air of playfulness in her stance.

"Peaches …" I warned, feeling a new kind of warmth enter my chest. She looked so carefree in this moment, so unburdened. She looked stunning . With a playful glint in her eye, she threw the second snowball and began to run from me.

She moved quickly—but I was faster.

The others ran after one another, over a hill and out of sight, leaving Savannah and me alone. Savannah slipped and struggled to run through the heavily packed snow. I gained on her inch by inch. She looked back, seeing me close in, and squealed in nervous anticipation at being caught. I didn't give her the chance to run any farther. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I brought us crashing down to the snow, our shared momentum rolling us over three times until we came to a stop. She lay beneath me, my body braced above hers. I edged to the side, just to stop from crushing her. But I left my hands on her waist, remaining as close as I could.

Savannah was laughing so hard she had to wrap her arms around her stomach. I was laughing too but stopped, completely mesmerized by seeing her this way. Crinkles webbed at the sides of her eyes. Tears of joy spilled down her cheeks, and her dimples caved deeply as she shook with hysterics.

My face hovered above hers, catching the white mist the freezing air created as she exhaled her warm breath. All I could see in this moment was the happiness radiating from Savannah's wide smile. All I could feel was her in my arms, her body pressed against mine.

Savannah stared back at me, and her laughter waned as the tension between us rose. I roved my gaze over every part of her face. Her peach-colored skin, the spatter of freckles that dusted over her nose. The dimples that I'd grown obsessed with, the small gold studs in her ears, and the way her long fair eyelashes hit her cheeks when she blinked. But most of all, I couldn't take my attention off her lips.

Reaching up, I brushed a long strand of her fallen hair from her face. Savannah leaned into my palm as it did, and it felt like the whole world fell away. The snow, and lights all around us, made it appear like we were in our very own snow globe, one where pain and sadness and loss couldn't break through.

Savannah swallowed, and I felt the tremor that passed through her body as my fingertip ran over the bridge of her nose and over the Cupid's bow of her lips. "You're so beautiful," I rasped, and Savannah's eyes widened at my confession. I didn't speak those things easily.

"Cael …" she murmured and inhaled a stuttered breath. I could see she was nervous. I didn't know if she'd ever been kissed. If she hadn't, I wanted to be her first. I'd never wanted anything more. She didn't know, but hockey had consumed my whole life. I'd never had time for girlfriends; between Junior Hockey and Team USA, all I'd had time for was school and sleep. This moment was as monumental to me as it was to her.

"You're beautiful too," she said, that well-known blush bursting on her cheeks. Her softly spoken, shaky words destroyed me. I knew what that must have cost her shy nature to admit.

I lifted her hand and pulled off her glove. I kissed her fingertips; I kissed down her fingers and laid kiss after kiss on her palm, the back of her hand. As I leaned down, Savannah's eyes drifted closed as I pressed my lips to her forehead. The scent of almond and cherry engulfed me. I held her tighter, my arm around her waist pulling her closer to me. My chest was laid flat against hers—I could feel her heart racing.

I ran my lips down to her temple, Savannah's hands gripped on to my hand so tightly I thought it might leave a mark. I moved my lips down to her cheek and kissed one of her dimples that I loved so much. Savannah sucked in a quick breath. I pulled back and met her eyes. I needed to know she wanted this. I needed to know she felt the same about me as I felt about her.

We wanted this time in Norway to be about seizing the moment and embracing the happiness that had been lost to us for so long. I couldn't think of anything more euphoric than having her kisses.

Savannah placed her hand on my cheek and began guiding her lips to mine—a clear invitation. I moved closer and closer still, my pulse racing as hard as hers. Then, just as my top lip brushed against hers, a million goose bumps running over my skin, the sound of our friends rushing back down the hill toward us crashed through the cocoon we'd hidden ourselves within.

I halted, my mouth ghosting over hers. Savannah's eyes closed, then opened, a huff of a laugh bursting between us. Travis and Dylan's voices sailed around us, and I dropped my forehead to hers in defeat.

"Bad timing," I said to Savannah, and she laughed again. Lifting my head, I drank in her dilated pupils and heated cheeks. I kissed her rosy cheek, holding it for as long as I could before our friends got too close. I knew Savannah would hate to be caught like this, too on display to curious eyes. Pulling away from where we lay, I held out my hand and Savannah slipped hers in mine. I was convinced that two hands had never fit together so perfectly.

I helped her stand from the snow and dusted the layer that had stuck to her clothes. She shivered, the dampness of the snow starting to freeze against her skin. Unable to resist, I cupped Savannah's cheeks and kissed her forehead, whispering, "You're the best thing to happen to me in the longest time, Peaches."

"Cael," she said, grasping on to my wrists. She could probably feel my pulse thundering under my skin. Rearing back, I went to move away, when she pulled on my wrists, stopping me mid-step. Biting her lip in nerves, she approached me slowly, then lifted to her tiptoes. I lowered down a fraction so she could place her hand on my cheek too. Then Savannah leaned in and placed a kiss on my stubbled skin.

My heart stopped.

Travis and Dylan came stampeding toward us, covered in snow from head to foot. Savannah turned to them, laughing as Jade and Lili came over too, more snow on them all than seemed to be on the ground.

But I couldn't take my eyes off Savannah.

"It's freezing!" Lili said, trembling with cold as they all came to a stop.

"Dinner by the fireplace back at the hotel?" Travis suggested to firm nods of agreement. I hung back a second as everyone began to walk back up the street. The stars were a glitter-covered blanket above, white snow vibrant against the dark night, and then there was Savannah, shining brighter than the stars and snow combined.

Feeling my absence, Savannah turned around and held out her hand. "Are you coming?"

Straightening my coat, I walked to Savannah and took hold of her offered hand. And I followed her up the street, and back to the hotel. With every step I walked beside her, I was quickly becoming aware that I'd follow this girl anywhere.

She was the miracle I never saw coming.

When we entered the hotel, Mia and Leo were in the reception. "Cael? Savannah?" Leo said, calling us from the group.

I glanced down at Savannah and saw nervousness wash over her face. Mia told the others where to get dinner, then came over to us. "We just want to have a chat with you both," Leo said, gesturing for us to follow him into a private room just off the lobby.

We followed, and Savannah's hand tightened in mine. She was nervous. There was a table in the room, four chairs around it. "Please, sit down," Leo said, and Savannah and I sat on one side. Mia and Leo took the seats on the other.

My jaw clenched in agitation. It was obvious why they had singled me and Savannah out. But it wasn't anger running through me. It was nerves. I was filled with a new emotion—fear. Fear that they were going to disapprove of us together.

I waited for Leo and Mia to speak. Savannah, clearly feeling my unease, squeezed my hand twice.

"We've asked you here," Mia said, voice gentle, "as we've noticed some developments between you both." I looked to Savannah. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment, but her head was held high, and it made me lose some of the discomfort I was feeling.

Leo leaned on the table. "This isn't the first trip we've done, far from it. And it isn't the first time we've had people fall for one another while away," he said.

Panic, strong and true, flooded my body, and I found myself blurting, "I'm not staying away from her." My heart beat fast as I readied for an argument.

Leo met my eyes. He didn't look pissed at my interruption. I knew I probably sounded insolent, but Savannah had been the only good thing to happen to me so long. I wasn't letting them split us up; I couldn't. Not when the anger had finally fallen away and I could breathe. Not when I found someone who made me feel understood.

"We're not asking you to, Cael," he said calmly. "But we need to speak to you about what we expect from you both."

"Okay," Savannah replied, placing her free hand over our joined hands. Extra support. "We understand." She nodded at me, urging me to hear them out too.

I exhaled a deep breath, releasing the panic that was running through me. "We can't stop people from developing feelings for one another," Leo said. "You are seventeen and eighteen, not small children. But we are here to help you with your grief, and what we worry about is your own progress being hindered by relying too much on one another and not on your personal journeys."

"We ask that you adhere to the lessons and teachings that we require of you—as individuals ," Mia said. "And also," she said and straightened, more authoritative in her seat, "we insist that you follow the rules and boundaries of the program. No sneaking off together. No sharing rooms. It's therapy first, relationship second. Okay?"

My eyes dropped to the table. I didn't like the sound of that, but I would never voice it aloud for fear they would interfere with me and Savannah.

"If you break these rules, we will be contacting your parents and it may compromise your place on this trip," Leo added. My jaw clenched. I didn't really care for the therapy. Right now, I just wanted Savannah. Therapy hadn't helped me. She had in a matter of weeks.

"We won't break the rules," Savannah said. I said nothing.

That clearly gained Leo's attention as he said, "Do you understand, Cael?"

"Savannah's good for me," I said, meeting his gaze. Leo listened intently, calmly. I wasn't sure what he was thinking. But I wanted him to understand . I swallowed, looked at Savannah's wide eyes, then said, "I … I've told her about Cill." My voice was croaky with how much energy that took me to say out loud. "And me …" I trailed off. " I'm feeling better. My anger isn't as … controlling."

"That's great , Cael. We've noticed a positive change in you," Mia said, sounding like she truly meant it. "And we want you to open up to your peers. They're your biggest form of support on this trip. But we want you to confide in us too. We're not your enemies. We want more than anything to help you. Both of you. We are worried that you'll use each other as a crutch. It isn't healthy, and no relationship can sustain or survive that. You both need to heal yourselves first and cannot forget that as you grow closer."

"We won't," Savannah said, speaking for us both. "We'll be respectful to you both and the program. We promise." I felt her hard stare and met her blue eyes, reluctantly nodding in agreement.

"That's all we ask," Leo said after a pause. I knew he was watching me like a hawk. I knew he had caught my apprehension. But he seemed to let it rest when he tapped the tabletop and said, "Now that's settled, let's get some dinner."

"Oh my goodness," Savannah said as we watched a whale break through the surface of the water, then crash back underneath. The boat we were on rocked side to side, the air crisp and arctic around us. We were all bundled up in thermal clothes, piping-hot coffees in our hands. Our attention was glued to the water, whales cresting the water in the distance.

I'd never seen anything like this before. It all seemed so surreal. I kept blinking, feeling as though it would fade away, that we weren't actually here in this place that felt like it was make-believe.

Savannah leaned farther back into my chest. I kept hearing her breathing catch as another whale came over the surface, ever closer to our boat. The mountains surrounded us, snow-covered and still, the whales crashing into the water the only sound—that and the gasps of our group as we stayed transfixed on the incredible sight before us.

"There's another one," Lili said quietly and pointed to the side of the boat. Savannah squeezed my hand, but I knew this wasn't because she'd had a bad thought about her sister. This was because she was overwhelmed with the sights. Savannah hadn't said a word on this boat trip. Her eyes were wide, her lips parted in awe.

It was almost too much, seeing this. Surrounded by high mountains, the city of Troms? picturesque behind us. In our grief, our worlds were reduced to only the loss of our loved one and the gutting feelings each day without them brought. Being in a place like this, seeing things in real life that I'd only ever seen on TV, reminded me just how big and vast the world was. And how tiny my life was in the grand scheme of it all. A single grain of sand on the universe's beach.

The crisp scent of the stunning fjords and the local delicacies was a long way from the smell of oak trees and the campfire smoke of my hometown. And the cherry and almond scent of Savannah brought a sense of peace to my soul that I wasn't sure I'd ever had—even when Cillian was alive.

Two whales came above the water, one by one, and Savannah turned her head, looking up at me with pure joy shining from her smile. My stomach flipped, and I kissed her head and held her tighter in my arms. "I can't believe I'm seeing this," she murmured, just for me to hear. She drank in the view, and a shiver seemed to cut down her spine.

When I tore my attention from Savannah and looked to everyone else on the trip, they were just as transfixed. It made me think back to this morning and the group session Mia and Leo had made us attend. Only, this session had been different from the others. There was no talk of loss or grief or the feelings that drowned us. Instead, they'd flipped the switch and asked us what brought us joy. I'd been stumped by the sudden change in tone. They wanted to know what sights and sounds or traditions we loved that brought happiness to our lives.

Fall , Jade had answered. Hannukah, Lili had said with a nostalgic smile. Being around people, Travis had said, and my stomach fell. After what'd happened to him, I wasn't sure he had many people around him anymore.

Freedom , Dylan had replied, then flicked a quick look my way. I was starting to think Dylan was hiding, and perhaps he was sick and tired of doing so. When Mia turned to Savannah, she fiddled with her hands but said, Family . My throat grew tight at her quiet answer. And the world , she added, surprising me. She kept her eyes on her busy hands as she said, I like science. The stars. I like seeing things that take my breath away. That I don't always understand.

I wanted to tell her that just looking at her did that to me.

When Mia asked me, I didn't have an answer. At least not one I could speak out loud. Because when Savannah held my hand and squeezed it twice, seeing me stay silent, I wanted to tell everyone it was her . Savannah. Right now, she was the only thing to bring any form of happiness to my life.

That was as terrifying as it was comforting.

"Are you okay?" Savannah asked now, tipping her head up to meet my eyes.

"Yeah," I said and rested my chin on the top of her head. Savannah was petite, yet she fit perfectly against me, a jigsaw piece custom—made to fit mine.

The boat kept pushing through the water, even when the whales seemed to disappear. We sailed down the fjords, seeing small villages and sweeping coastlines covered in ice and snow. They reminded me a bit of the Lake District we'd just been to. How they were isolated and alone. The perfect place to get away from it all. Like the poets Savannah had taught me about. She hadn't known, but I'd read her paperback cover to cover, just to know what had her so transfixed. I'd wanted to understand her more, even when I was trying to keep her at arm's length.

"Look at that," Savannah said, pointing to a snow-covered beach. There was wonder on her face. It was an odd sight—to see what a sunny and golden view would usually be—covered with the white of snow. "How incredible," she murmured, more to herself than to me. I filed that away to make sure she saw it up close before we left Norway for our next destination.

The day went by quickly, and in all the hours we were outside, I never once let Savannah go. It made me cast my mind back to the ice rink in Oslo. And how I was paralyzed just seeing it. I couldn't deny the way my feet had itched to put on a pair of skates. That had surprised me more than anything. I allowed myself a few moments to remember how that felt. The rush of adrenaline I would get as I first stepped onto the ice and sailed around the rink, pushing myself to such a fast speed it felt like I was hurtling through a hurricane.

And true to our deal, I fought to separate the memory from Cillian. Focused only on the ice and how it made me feel. How I'd lined up next to my teammates for the national anthem, how I'd sunk the puck into the net. The euphoria I had felt as I'd slipped on my pads and waited in the tunnel, ready for my name and number to be announced.

It was my heart.

It was my home.

Peace suffused my muscles, bones, and mind. Just imagining soaring around the ice, stick in hand. Being in this place, surrounded by the mountains, the water, and the whales, had given me permission to dream . To dream and remember that I'd once had something I loved so much I wanted to dedicate my entire life to it. I had loved it. I had loved playing hockey with Cillian too, but in this moment, I was able to make a distinction between the two.

Hockey had also been just mine .

Savannah turned in my arms and searched my face. "What are you thinking of?" she asked, curled into my chest. She could read me like I could read a game.

"Hockey," I said and saw concern flash across her face. I shook my head. The others were too busy staring at the sights to notice us, so I pressed my forehead to hers. It was fast becoming my favorite place to be. "How much I loved it—maybe still love it. How it makes me … happy," I said and shook my head with a self-deprecating laugh. "I don't know." I pointed to the surrealness around us. "This place … it's making me think things I hadn't let myself entertain. Bigger things. Things I thought were out of reach."

"That makes me happy," she said, and I could hear that she truly meant that.

I felt a sudden rush of emotion shoot up my throat, stealing my voice. My eyes stung and I felt my hands shake. Savannah noticed. She leaned up and said, "I'm proud of you." My nose began to itch. I sniffed to chase it away, the vastness of the fjord blurring before me. She gave me a smile and I was just about undone. "I'd love to watch you play someday," she said and obliterated me where I stood.

"Yeah?" I questioned, voice thick.

She nodded. I pulled her to me, burying my face in her long hair. The boat swayed, and I tried to push the thought of hockey aside, but I just couldn't stop imagining Savannah watching me play. Her, in the stands, cheering me on. For months, I'd wanted to rid my mind of anything that could have reminded me of the past. But a spark had just been placed back in my soul. It wasn't much. It wasn't a plan to pick up my skates or to even entertain that I could somehow be the Cael from before. But there was a tiny spark that had ignited …

And I chose not to fight it.