10 Colored Skies and Frozen Kisses

Colored Skies and Frozen Kisses

Savannah,

You often ask me about my faith. How I just know in my soul that there is something bigger than us. Bigger than this world. And that there is a place that is filled with love and peace beyond this life. I am at peace with passing away. Because I will awake in heaven and be free from pain.

I know your heart lies with the stars. With space and science and the unexplained wonders that keep you mesmerized. Although we see things differently, they are both just as special and as meaningful. Please don't ever lose this. Don't lose yourself to grief and bitterness.

I challenge you to find magic within the world. Find wonder and hope and the beauty we have been awarded on this Earth. Lean into the everyday joys and cherish each moment with an open and pure heart. It will help pull you through the hard times.

Smile at the stars,

Poppy

Savannah

"Baby!" Mama greeted as the call connected.

"Hi, Mama," I said and instantly felt the comfort of home wrap around me. "How are y'all?"

"We're good, baby girl," she said. "Your daddy's here too. I'll put you on loudspeaker." She did, and Daddy's voice immediately rang through.

"Hi sweetheart."

"Hi Daddy! Guess what we're about to see?" I said, staring out of the reception window as we waited for the bus to arrive. The night sky and I were filled with heady anticipation.

"What?" he replied.

"The northern lights."

"Savannah …" Mama murmured, soft and gentle. "You've always dreamed of seeing them. How special for you that that dream is coming true," she said, and I smiled.

"I can't believe it," I said, unsure how to express the level of excitement bursting within me. Then I saw the headlights of the bus approach the hotel. "The bus is coming to take us to a viewing point, but I just wanted to check in with you both and to let you know I'm okay."

"Thank you, baby. You sound so strong." My heart fluttered at that. "And we miss you so much," Mama said and melted me. "Oh, try to call your sister soon. You know she can't go a day without hearing from you, and she'll be spittin' mad that she missed your call again." My heart bloomed at that. It was true. I had texted Ida nonstop since being here. I called my parents most days too, but catching Ida between our activities, her school, and her cheer practices to talk on the phone was a little tricky.

"I will," I said. I glanced at the others in the lobby. Cael held out his hand, signaling to me that it was time to go. "I'll speak to y'all tomorrow. Love y'all!"

"Love you too!" they shouted back in unison, and I hung up, feeling lighter. As I walked up to Cael, he wrapped his arm over my shoulders and pulled me to his side. We were caring less and less if the others saw us this way.

I'd also noticed that Cael never called home. Leo had told him this morning he'd spoken to his parents again to let them know he was okay. That seemed to be the case most days. Cael acknowledged Leo with a tight jerk of his chin. I hadn't broached the subject of his parents with him. He was making such good progress, but it was clear he was still in the emotional trenches, and I didn't want to pry too hard as to why. He was less angry. He was joking and smiling more these days. That was incredible to witness. I feared pushing him too hard about his parents would only see him retreat. And like Mia and Leo had said, I needed to let him explore his journey through grief himself. Even though I just wanted to make him better.

We climbed into the bus. Chills raced up and down my spine with excitement. This was a bucket list item for me. Poppy came to my mind as I thought that, but rather than letting the image disable me, I pictured how excited her face was and how pleased for me she would be. We'd often dreamed of seeing this together—her, me, and Ida. Rune's text came to mind like a warm blanket being cast around me.

She's with you …

I wanted to believe it.

Although the Aurora Borealis could be seen from Troms?, to get the full effect we were taking a bus out of the city, away from its lights and to a place of solitude where we could see the most activity.

Cael smiled at me when I glanced out of the window, the city fading to the background and the heavily packed snow around us our only view. He placed a hand on my knee. Butterflies filled my chest, then swooped down to my stomach. It was a sensation I was becoming more than familiar with. Every day, when Cael was close, they awoke.

I let myself take a glance at his lips. Lips that had so very nearly kissed mine. I could still feel the heat of his warm, minty breath on my cold skin. Still feel how soft his lips were as they lightly brushed against mine.

I felt like everything between was going at hyperspeed, like we were in a vacuum where we felt and experienced more than we ever would back home. Our emotions were high and we were grasping onto moments that lifted us and made us feel seen.

I felt more than seen by Cael than I had by anyone before. Being as introverted as I was, it was almost impossible for me to let people in. But he'd gently knocked on the door to my heart, and carefully stepped inside. He hadn't barged in, hadn't slammed it open. But softly, carefully, asked to be let in.

And I liked him being there. But it terrified me too.

Cael took hold of my hand and leaned against the bus seat's headrest, oblivious to my affectionate thoughts about him. He closed his eyes, and it gave me license to really study him, unobserved. He was so much more than I'd given him credit for at the beginning of the trip. I'd seen his tattoos and gauges, his stormy eyes and clenched jaw, his cutting outbursts, and assumed he was cold and brash. Someone who didn't want the company of others.

But that couldn't have been further from the truth. He was kind and pure and sensitive. I wanted him to heal from his brother's death as much as I did from Poppy's. I'd still only received breadcrumb details over his brother's death. And that was absolutely fine. Due to the nature of Cillian's death, I expected it was almost impossible to speak about without breaking.

Since we'd been in Norway, I'd sensed more of a change in Cael. I wasn't sure we could do what we'd set out to do—to forget our grief for a little while. But we were trying, and I did feel lighter. Without grief's heavy weight pressing down on my neck, I was able to look up and see the sky. See the stars, the sun, and the moon.

I was about to see the Northern Lights.

I'd had a one-to-one session with Leo yesterday. We'd talked about CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It wasn't the first time I'd tried it. It was a way to reframe my thoughts. Turn them on their head to find a deeper meaning within them. Back in Georgia, Rob had tried it with me too. The difference here was that I was willing to try. Back home, I'd been a veritable statue, soul-trapped inside of my frozen body, unable to break free from grief's ice-cold fists.

Here … my body had begun to thaw, allowing me to try . And I was trying. Here in Norway, I'd been trying more than ever. Rune had tried that approach with me too. That instead of being sad that Poppy wasn't here with me, I should experience this for her—for us both.

It wasn't simple, and it wasn't easy. And if I let my guard down for as short a time as just a few minutes, sadness tried to crash against me with the force of a tidal wave. But I was fighting back, at least for now. I was embracing the brief reprieve of peace.

As I stared at Cael, sleep taking him to safety for a while, I hoped that was true for him too. I stared back out of the window again. All that greeted me was snow. Miles and miles of snow, nothing else in sight. The bus crunched on the ice beneath its tires, and I laid my head on Cael and let the smell of sea salt and fresh air dance around me.

If someone had told me several weeks ago that I'd be here right now, with a boy I liked, in Norway, about to see the northern lights, I would have thought they were lying.

But if life had taught me anything, it's that it can change on a dime.

It was nice for the universe to show me that it wasn't always for the worse.

The sun began to lower in the distance, and I could already see lark-natured stars waking and casting their brightness into the not-yet-dark sky. It was as though they wanted front seats to the show we were all about to see.

Stars … they would always remind me of Poppy. When she passed and I was searching for a meaning to her loss, or when the urge to see her again became so overwhelming, I searched for anything to carry a sign. The stars became that for me. Space was vast and mostly unknown. It made sense to me that Poppy could have become a star after she passed. She'd shone bright enough in life that she would blaze in the heavens. For months after her death, when the wound was raw and disabling, seeing the stars had always brought me a small amount of comfort. At night, I would trick myself into believing I was seeing her again in the sky. Some nights I wouldn't let myself sleep until dawn broke and the stars had disappeared.

Just so she wouldn't have been up there, all alone.

I was younger then. Maybe it had been a silly fantasy, a way to cope. But even now, at seventeen years old and almost four years into her absence, I still stared at the stars and missed her.

I'd once read a book on the aurora borealis. Why it happened and the many myths and beliefs different cultures had given for its existence. The one that was standing out to me right now was that it was ancestors stepping through the celestial veil, showing their loved ones they were okay. Deceased souls appearing to our eyes to reassure us they were still living, in some fashion.

At that thought, a dart of sadness hit against the protective bubble I'd created around myself, trying to break in. But I held strong and pushed it away.

Then I felt two squeezes of my hand.

I tilted my chin up and saw Cael's sleepy eyes searching my face. I gave him a watery smile, and he kissed me on my head. Tucking back into the padding of his coat, I took solace in the quiet of the bus.

A while later the bus came to a stop and our guides made themselves busy creating a viewing spot for us with chairs and cameras and hot drinks. As I stepped from the bus, the bitter coldness took away my breath. The breeze sailed into my lungs, and each breath I took felt like it was scalding ice-fire.

I pulled my scarf over my mouth and reached for the hot chocolate we'd been provided. As I held Cael's hand, we took our seats—side by side—as dusk quickly fell over the land. I could see the faint flickering lights of Troms? in the distance, but out here, we were isolated and witness to the eye-opening vastness of the sky that cities and towns often disguised.

Stars seemed to pop into the sky one by one in quickening succession. I was transfixed as constellation after constellation began to appear, looking clearer and more profound than ever before.

The entire group of us was silent, waiting for the burst of color that was expected. I gripped on to Cael's hand so tightly I worried about hurting him. But he was gripping my hand tightly in return. Unified breaths were held as a flicker of green began to descend from the sky. I stayed stock-still, like any movement would disturb the shy thread of light and scare it away.

But then it flared again, only this time it had grown in strength, like it was stretching its arms and legs after a long sleep. Green neon began to shimmer and drop across the black sky like a glittering curtain.

Before long, the entire sky was filled with green light, the flares reflecting off the white of the snow, increasing its stunning effect. Stars were sprouting in the billions, sparkling like the most expensive of diamonds. It was the greatest show the earth had ever seen.

A sense of peace so profound chased through my every cell, and I felt tears begin to fall down my cheeks. Sitting here, underneath the endless sky, I could see why people believed it was the visiting spirits of our loved ones. Because seeing this felt like seeing Poppy again. My heart swelled, my soul singing with the beauty and grace the lights gave, dancing to a song only the sky could hear.

A sob slipped from my throat, one I couldn't hold back. But it wasn't a cry of sadness or loss; it was one of breathlessness and wonder and admiration so strong it seemed to radiate from me as brilliantly as the lights before my eyes. It was Poppy. This was all Poppy. She had been vibrant and bright and breathtaking. She had lived for only a glimmer of time, but she had lived it boldly. She had embraced every moment life had given her …

She had outshone all the night sky.

Cael pulled me closer to him, but there were no hand squeezes or glances of concern. My heart pulled toward him even more, because he had recognized this moment as momentous and serene, not sad or heartbreaking.

It was heart- affirming .

As we sat under the lights, blues and reds joined the fray. It was a tapestry of light. Sitting here was being shown by the universe that it was infinite and endless. Sitting here was seeing lost loved ones dancing up high among the stars, free of pain and made whole. No fear, no more hurting.

And I cried. As the lights grew in strength, more tears fell. I prayed the myths were right and Poppy was up there, looking down on me with her dimpled smile and zest for life.

My life had been so contained, so small for the past four years. It had been reduced to a single, gutting emotion. As we sat here, the universe was screaming to me that there was more to this life than the one we lived. That when our heartbeat stopped, our soul soared northward, stardust finding its way home.

"Cael," I whispered and tore my eyes from the lights to briefly look at his face. His cheeks were wet too, his silver eyes looking like two stars had been plucked down and placed within them. I looked back up and just allowed myself to feel it. Feel everything. Admiration, amazement, magnificence, wonderment. Let the wider world invade my soul.

I even embraced the small thread of fear that frayed from the fabric of my heart, the terrifying thought of being so small and insignificant under such a mighty vista.

I felt it all .

I didn't move for what could have been hours or years. Stayed still on the chair, head tilted back and mesmerized by the aurora borealis and all the beauty she brought to the world, my eyes, and my heart. Then, as a ribbon of pink cut through the mostly green sky, I put my hand over my mouth to silence the cry that fought to escape. It danced even more beautifully than the others, its pale pink hue stunning against the neon greens and blues.

"Poppy …" I whispered quietly but loud enough that if it was she who had come to see me, she would hear me and know that I was here. I never stopped watching that cherry-blossom-pink beam of light as it fluttered gracefully across the stars until it faded away. But it had been there. It had ingrained itself in my mind forever. It had been temporary, it had been beauty personified, and it had burned its image onto my soul.

Then, slowly, the vibrancy of the lights began to dim, each thread fading bit by bit, until they disappeared, leaving only a diamond-washed sky.

A finger dusted down my cheek, and my eyelashes fluttered. My throat felt raw from crying, and my limbs were stiff from not moving.

"Peaches," Cael's roughened voice sounded, piercing the silence.

I turned my face toward him. "I felt she was here," I said, for once in my life not overthinking what I said and blurting out what was in my heart.

Cael's eyes closed, like that thought hit him deeply, and he placed his drink down, wrapped his strong arms around me, and pulled me to his chest. His cheek rested against the side of my head, and I felt so content I didn't ever want to leave. I'd found a heaven on earth in this place, with this boy, and I didn't want to go back to what it had been before.

A hand pressed against my back. "It's time to go," a careful, gentle voice announced. Mia. I held on to Cael for a few moments longer, then let him guide us back to the bus. Every face I passed on the way to my seat looked awestruck.

We all appeared changed .

The bus ride home was a blur. By the time we arrived at the hotel, it was late. But when I got to my room I was wired, electricity soaring through me. I didn't think I'd be getting sleep that night. Sitting on my bed, I found myself staring off at the wall, lost in my thoughts.

Reaching for the journal we'd been given by Mia and Leo, I opened the page and let my soul pour onto it.

Poppy, I wrote.

I think I felt you tonight. For the first time since you passed, I felt you beside me. Please say that it was you.

A lump clogged my throat.

Please say that ribbon of cherry blossom pink that broke through the green was you. Please tell me you are with me on this journey.

I sucked in a breath, desperate tears falling on my exhale.

Please say you are happy and alive, in some miraculous way. Because Poppy … I need that. I need you to be somewhere living. YOU were too big and too bright not to be living. Please tell me you were one of the stars I saw sparkling in the sky tonight, so that I can look upon you when I need you. When I want my big sister to stay with me, for as long as you can.

I can live in the darkness if you are one of the stars.

My words were scattered and pleading. But then I looked to the window, and a joyful cry soared from my lips when I saw another flicker of the northern lights trying to appear over Troms?. And that pink … that ribbon of pink was there, weaving through the stars like the most beautiful of dancers. I held the journal to my chest like I was holding Poppy herself.

"Poppy. I see you," I whispered and watched as that pink slowly faded away but left a change in my heart. Tears streamed down my face, but they were filled with happiness. "Poppy … I miss you …" I whispered again, for once believing she might actually hear me.

I'd barely climbed into bed, still fully clothed, when a quiet knock tapped at my door. I was wide awake. It was four in the morning. I'd watched the sky like a hawk for any other sign of the lights, but they had gone. Clouds had rolled in over Troms?, making a game of hide and seek with the stars.

The knock sounded again, and I climbed out of bed and cracked it open just a little. Cael was on the other side, eyes full of life and just as wide awake as me. "Come on," he said and held out his hand, a soft but excited expression on his face.

The rule follower within me told me to stay, that our curfew had passed and we would get into trouble if we were caught sneaking out. Mia and Leo had been insistent that we not break the rules. But then the energy that was still coursing through me told me to forget the rules and seize the moment. It had me ducking back into my room to grab my coat, boots, gloves, and hat. Quietly closing my door, I took Cael's hand and silently followed him down the stairs and out into the street.

A burst of quiet laughter pealed from my chest when he began to run down the street, pulling me behind. I had no idea where we were going, the wind whipping through my hair. The breeze slapped my face—I felt so alive.

Cael's long legs ate up the distance we were covering, trampling snow under our feet. My breath came quicker the faster we ran, my chest burning with the cold. I grew warmer and warmer, sporadic laughter still sailing freely from my heart.

Then we turned a corner, and I came to a dead stop. I clutched onto Cael's arm, as I looked out before us. "The beach," I said, taking in the sight. Snow covered what should have been a grassy verge on the approach, but the sand was untouched, and the water was flowing just as easily as on the beaches back in Georgia.

It was a dream brought to reality.

"Cael," I said, turning toward him.

"I had to show you," he said, simply, like it wasn't the most perfect gift he could have given me. The brightness of the snow made it so everything was visible in the dark, the stars up ahead like earth's very own string light decoration.

In the space of a few short hours, I'd had my eyes opened to the most glorious scenes I had ever encountered. The clouds were heavy above us and the cold breeze whipped up my hair, causing goose bumps to leave tracks on the back of my neck. But I was here, in this place.

I was lost in paradise.

"Come on," Cael said and led me over the snowy verge and onto the golden sand. We came to a stop at the water's edge. Even in the winter it looked crystal clear and inviting.

"Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?" I asked, awestruck once again.

"Just once," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. I turned my head to him to ask what that was. But by the way he was looking at me, eyes focused on my face and adoration in his gaze, I quickly caught on to what he was implying.

I swallowed my nerves, my face heating so much I knew he'd be able to see my blush, even in the dark. Cael stepped closer, then closer still. I was frozen in place, watching his every minuscule movement. My breath came quicker, and those butterflies were back accosting my entire body. Cael didn't say a word as he stopped before me, so close I could smell his addictive scent and feel his warm breath on my face.

Freeing my hand from his—the one he no doubt felt trembling—he removed his gloves, then, with his bare hands, gently cupped my cheeks. He was so tall and broad, athletic and strong, yet handled me like I was a prized possession he didn't want to break.

His silver-blue eyes dived into mine, and he pressed his forehead to my forehead. That intimate touch brought instant calm. This was Cael Woods. The boy who had captivated me. The boy whose heart had somehow become inexplicably attached to mine. The boy who was fast becoming my safety.

I didn't speak, didn't utter his name. I just let the heat of our bodies pass between us, sharing this intimate space. Cael moved back, brushing the tip of his nose down my cheek. My breathing came quicker and my eyes fluttered closed. His fingertips ghosted over my cheeks, a soothing motion. Then his nose met mine and he reared back a fraction. I felt the intensity of his heavy stare. I opened my eyes and saw the question hovering in the static-thick air crackling between us.

I smiled, and that was all the invitation Cael needed. Closing in, he pressed a kiss on my lips—tentative, a gossamer touch. The neon lights that we had just watched dance before our eyes seemed to take root within me. Each flare moving in time with my every heartbeat as Cael's lips pressed to mine again, harder this time. I gripped on to his arms, holding tightly to this boy, giving me my first kiss.

His lips were soft and warm and filled with so much trust and affection. The northern lights and stars had rendered me speechless—this sensation was like soaring through a sunrise. It was life and death and all that rested in between. It transcended any feeling I'd ever had before and wrapped me up in beauty so tightly it was euphoric.

I kissed Cael back, shyly at first. But as he framed my face and licked along the seam of my lips, I fell into the dreamlike state his minty taste and careful touch brought to this moment. I parted my lips, giving his tongue permission to join mine in an intricate dance. One of his hands broke from my face to pass over my neck and thread into my hair. Our kiss deepened, my heart beat faster, and feelings I'd been so terrified of releasing exploded inside of me, bringing a beaming light to my nerves, showing them that there was nothing to fear.

There was nothing to fear …

Cael kissed me. He kissed and kissed me and joined us so close it was as if we were two stars colliding. When he pulled back, I didn't think anything else could make me feel so adored, until he whispered, "I'm falling for you, Peaches."

I drew in a stuttered, shocked breath. But as his husky voice and that softly spoken admission fell over me, there was only a sense of rightness inside of me. Cael wanting me and me wanting him so fiercely it occupied every one of my thoughts.

Cael's eyes betrayed his frayed nerves at his vulnerable confession. He had no reason to be scared. "I'm falling for you too," I whispered back, not wanting to disturb the peace that we had created in this magical place—standing united on this snowy beach.

The smile that lit up Cael's face was blinding.

Both of his hands wrapped into my hair, and I kissed him. Kissing him came as naturally as breathing. My chest pressed to his and I smiled against his lips as his heart drummed in sync with my own. My lips tingled under his touch, and I felt like I could have stayed here forever, kissing this boy with everything I had, giving him all of my heart and soul. Then—

I gasped against Cael's lips and drew back my head, tipping my head up to the sky. A laugh tore from my throat as a snowflake landed on the tip of my eyelash. "It's snowing."

Cael peered up at the sky too, the snowflakes turning from tiny morsels of white to thick drops in mere seconds. Snowflakes kissed our faces as thoroughly as our lips had just kissed.

Cael held me in his arms as I felt the snow on my face, and as I gazed out over the water, the snowflakes disappeared as they met the water's surface. I closed my eyes and let the snow fall all over me. Embraced the biting cold that scattered within me. "What is this place?" I murmured in disbelief and looked back at Cael.

He was already watching me with a gentle smile on his face. His gloveless finger traced my cupid's bow and ran over my bottom lip. He was so beautiful. The most perfect boy I had ever seen. I laughed harder when a cluster of snowflakes began to stick to his messy hair that was escaping the protection of his beanie.

"I could listen to that forever," Cael said. It occurred to me in that moment that I'd still not heard him laugh. Not really. Not a true free laugh.

I let my forehead fall to his and held him close, suspended under the snowfall on a beach that was dressed in winter.

Cael kissed me again. A shorter kiss this time, but it was no less sweet. He sat down on the beach, then guided me to sit against him, situating me between his spread legs, my back against his front.

And we watched the falling snow in silence. I had to blink several times to make myself believe that I was truly here. Nothing about this felt real. Not even Cael kissing me. I lifted my finger to my lips. They were warm from the many kisses we'd shared.

I'd had my first kiss.

I'd had my first kiss from a boy who was fast becoming the center of my world.

"Find your Rune …"

As Poppy's letter to me circled my mind, I noticed a familiar sight above me. "Orion's belt," I said, pointing to the three stars in the sky. A memory filtered down and I explained, "When we were younger, we—Poppy, Ida, and I—used to say that those stars were meant just for us." I shook my head, grasping on to the happiness that memory inspired and not the sadness that was trying to follow. Cael pushed back my long hair from my neck and kissed the skin just below my ear. Shivers trickled down my spine at the featherlight touch.

"You're a good person," he said and caused me to still.

"You are too," I said, after turning to meet his eyes.

He looked tortured. Clearly realizing I had noticed, he said, "He didn't tell me," and it broke my heart when I knew he was referring to Cillian. Snowflakes kissed his cheeks and eyes, clung like tiny angels to his dark, wavy hair. "He didn't tell me he'd fallen into darkness. And I didn't see the signs." I squeezed his hand, but this time it wasn't to remind him to push these feelings away. I wanted him to know that I was here for him.

Some things should never be pushed away when they are ready to be shared.

I knelt between his legs and placed my hand on his cheek. I searched his desolate gaze. "I can't speak on your brother's behalf. But sometimes we keep things to ourselves, so soul destroying that they can tear us apart inside." I kissed his cheek, the corner of his mouth, then finally his lips. "Sometimes, people don't let their loved ones know how much they are hurting because they don't want to bring them pain too."

Cael's eyes shimmered, and I caught a stray tear with my finger before it could fall. I cradled it in my hand. It was a tear of Cael's growth. "He loved you, Cael," I breathed, needing to be his strength right now. "Of that I have no doubt."

Cael's breathing was heavy, and then he said, "I've felt so alone for so long, Peaches." My heart shattered apart. Because I had too.

"You're not alone anymore," I said, voice strong and unwavering.

Cael kissed me again, then held me to his chest. I sat between his legs again, his arms wrapped around me like he would never ever let me go.

The snow fell silently around us—a heady juxtaposition to the golden beach it landed upon. Stars were full above us and plentiful between the clouds. Linking my fingers through Cael's, I said, "What did you think of the northern lights?" Cael tensed underneath me. I simply held his hand tighter.

"They were incredible," he said, "But … I think part of me that should experience joy is numb." I leaned back against him. "Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel anything to its entirety again. Anger was the only thing that ever made me feel something. Maybe that's why I held on to it for so long. Maybe, even though it was toxic, it was better than nothing ." I let that sit in the air between us for a few minutes.

"Poppy believed in heaven," I said and found myself staring at Orion's Belt again. "She was never sad that she was dying," I said, trying to keep the hurt from my voice. "I could never understand how she didn't fear what she was facing. But her faith was so strong it left no room in her heart for doubt."

"What do you believe?" Cael asked, hugging me tighter.

"I honestly don't know," I admitted. "I have always loved science. Like the definitive answers it can give." I shrugged. "But there are no definites when it comes to death—except that we will all face it, one day." I lifted our joined hands and ran my free hand over Cael's fingers; they were rough but felt so perfect against mine. "After Poppy passed, I read everything I could on the scientific research around death. But the truth is, we won't ever know what happens until we get there." I pointed our joined hands up at the sky. "Stars are energy, and people are energy too. The entire universe is made of energy. Some see that as science, and some people refer to that energy as God." I shook my head. "I lean toward science. It feels most right to me." I sighed at the heaviness these questions posed. "All I know is that there's something bigger than I can ever comprehend."

I smiled as a shooting star flew across the sky. "I like to think of Poppy as a star." The sacrifice that cost me to admit was all-consuming. I hadn't told a single person that. Not even my therapist. Not my parents, not even Ida. "That probably sounds ridiculous."

"It doesn't," Cael said, his understanding tone immediately putting me at ease. "It's beautiful," he said, and in that moment, I fell for him just that little bit more.

I stared at the snow and the stars that were looking down upon us. "The sky looks more beautiful now that I know she's up there," I said and felt a walled off part of me collapse. "The stars are brighter, knowing she lives among them." I smiled to myself. "Some nights I sit for hours trying to find her. But it's impossible. Then I'm confronted with just how many stars there are in the sky. And I'm reminded of just how many millions of people have lost someone they love too. Grief makes you feel isolated and alone. But the truth is, it's the least lonely state to be in."

I turned in Cael's arms and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Is this okay?" I whispered.

"Of course," he said, and he searched every inch of my face. "You've made this trip so much better for me," he said and kissed my lips. "You're making my life better." I embraced him on this snowy beach, under a sky full of endless stars.

We were making each other better. And as Cael steered back my head and claimed my mouth in another kiss, I allowed myself to fall fully. No holding back, no fear in my heart. I would allow myself to become engulfed by Cael and he by me.

Because when you have lost something so precious, when something priceless comes along, you embrace it with both hands.

And you never let it go.