Chapter 17

No Intention to Stop…

THEN

(Leith)

My fingertips moved against the table randomly. I tried to test myself. Going from pinky to pointer. Then pointer to pinky. Or maybe my middle fingers first. Just making random noises and thinking about way too many things at once.

"That won't make the food cook any quicker," my grandmother announced from the stove.

"Sorry," I said.

I moved my hand to my lap.

I played with my fingers.

I was dying for a cigarette.

But my grandmother could smell it from a mile away.

She never punished me for it though. She would just give me those disappointed eyes of hers and that was worse than any punishment she could have dealt out. And then giving me the choice to keep doing it or not came with a lot of guilt.

Even still, I smoked.

She didn't like it. I didn't like that she didn't like it.

She stirred the pot of spaghetti and hummed broken notes to herself. It was day forty-seven of nothing but spaghetti. I couldn't complain though. It wasn't easy for her at her age to start a new job and give up the house she had lived in for a long damn time. But she managed it. My grandmother was my hero. She didn't talk much about things in her life or her past, but I noticed the way she carried herself.

"Did you have a good day today?"

"Yeah," I said.

The word yeah saved my ass a lot. I didn't want my grandmother worrying about my day or my life. And at the same time, she loved to give speeches. I was sure someday I'd miss those speeches, but tonight was not the night for one.

Tonight, I had some big plans.

My grandmother had a strict routine of being on her favorite spot on the couch by eight with a can of cheap beer and the crossword puzzle from that day's paper. She'd relax there, squinting at the paper, eventually dozing off.

I kissed the top of her hair spray tasting hair before leaving the house.

The walk to get to Beth was long. It wasn't just across town or something like that. And I didn't have a bike to ride. Plus, I was still a little shy of being old enough to get my license. Even still, I'd need a car then. Which I was working on.

I told Beth I would find a way to see her.

And I always did.

It wasn't easy being in different schools. It wasn't easy knowing I was missing parties when she was there. Not just because I wanted to see her, but because I knew how she was at parties.

I smoked freely as I walked the sidewalks, thinking two thousands thoughts at once. They were a mix of real life thoughts and things I made up as I went along. Stuff I could use for my short stories. I had planned to stop writing that stuff a while ago but Beth told me not to. She got a hold of one of my notebooks and refused to give it back. She would read the stories and then tell me about them.

At first, it bothered me.

But it was Beth.

She was the kind of crazy you just got used to. And plus, if someone liked something I wrote, that was kind of cool.

I had been walking for well over thirty minutes when I stopped at the bottom of the beginning of the large hill that would take me back into the town that used to be home. It was the worst part of the walk. I had done it before so it wasn't anything new.

There was no sidewalk or anything either so I had to take the chance and just walk the side of the road and hope for the best.

I put my head down and moved forward.

And forward was up.

And up would eventually lead to down.

And down would lead me to Beth.

And Beth…

I smiled and shook my head.

We never talked about what we were. But near her, I felt stuff. I felt something. Something intense and real.

And there were lines we hadn't crossed yet together. Lines that I felt were made for us to cross together. I knew what I wanted from her and I knew what she wanted from me. That alone made the walk worth it.

Headlights suddenly appeared over the top of the hill.

Then they got brighter.

A lot brighter.

So bright that I put my hands up to shield my eyes.

The lights closed in on me.

I waved my hands but that didn't matter.

The car was coming right at me, no intention to stop.

I thought about jumping into the brush on the side of the road.

What choice did I really have, right?

Only my knees locked up.

I let out a scream, not wanting to get run over.

Red and blue lights started to flicker and I sighed with relief knowing I wasn't going to get run over.

The headlights went back to their normal brightness. My eyes actually burned for a few seconds as I squinted. The red and blue lights of the cop car turned off. The driver's side window rolled down and a hand stuck out, waving at me. I saw the silhouette of the hand and I approached the car.

I shouldn't have been out this late. I shouldn't have been alone. I shouldn't have been walking the road I was on. So I'd need to conjure up some good bullshit story. Which I could do in a heartbeat.

Chances were I'd get my ass driven back home.

Which meant not seeing Beth.

Which meant the night was a waste.

That seemed to be the worst case scenario.

Until a light inside the police car turned on and I saw Beth's father's face. And his dark and mean eyes staring right at me. A slight curl to his lip, knowing damn well he had half considered running my ass over for real.

"Leith," he said, his voice rumbling so much that it shook the ground under my feet.

I wasn't afraid of Tim. But I should have been.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey your ass. Get in the car."

"I'm just going for a walk."

"I know what you're doing. Get in the fucking car."

I lowered my head and walked around the front of the car and opened the passenger door. I was so used to being in a cop car - front or back - that it was normal. It didn't faze me how different it looked from a regular car.

Before I could buckle my seatbelt, Tim jammed the wheel to the right and kicked the back tires out as he spun the car around and sped up the hill.

"I'm going to give you once chance to tell me what you were doing," he said.

"You know what I was doing, Tim," I said.

"Then say it."

"I was walking to see Beth."

Tim's face glowed in the lights of the interior of the cop car. He had that tough guy cowboy look to himself as he thought whatever it was going through his mind.

"Why?" he asked.

Probably the hardest question he could have asked.

He turned his head and looked at me. "Answer the question, Leith."

"Why don't you just take me home and we call it a night," I said.

"Not going to happen," Tim said. "You're in my car now."

I rubbed my jaw. "Great."

"So talk. Now."

"Nothing to talk about."

"Goddammit, son, do you think this is a game?"

"I didn't say it was."

"She's been trying to get to you," Tim said. "Doing the same thing you just did."

"Walking to me?"

"Yeah. I figured it was only a matter of time before you tried the same thing."

"And you caught us both. Now what?"

"I want my question answered."

"I'm not sure I can answer why," I said. "I miss her. I hate that I had to move. I worry about her. A lot. I don't want her to get into trouble or anything."

"What makes you think I believe that you care about her?"

"Nothing. I didn't ask you to believe me."

"Yet you're dumb enough to walk all this way… just to see her?"

"Yeah," I said.

Tim got really quiet as he kept driving.

Then out of nowhere he said, "I hope you know what you're doing."

"I don't have a clue what I'm doing, Tim."

"Figured," he said. "I catch you out here again like this and I'll charge you with something. I'll make your life hell, Leith. You know I can do that. You know that I will."

"And do you think that's going to stop me?"

"Probably not," Tim said. "But just keep in mind I have the side of the law. And I carry a gun."

"I'll make a mental note of that for sure," I said.

Tim turned and that's when I realized something.

We were on his street. On Beth's street. The street where they lived.

Tim pulled to the curb outside his own house.

"Get out," he said. "I'll give you two minutes and then I'm driving you home. We're going to drive in silence. You say one word to me and I'll throw you out of the car while it's moving."

"What is this? Torture?"

"I don't know what this is," Tim said. "But you two fools trying to walk miles to see each other doesn't work. Someone is going to get hurt. You? I don't care what happens. But my daughter? She's been through enough."

"She's lost a lot in her life," I said. "I didn't want to move. You know that."

"Get out of the car, Leith," Tim ordered again.

I opened the door and walked toward the house.

I had no idea what was happening.

Before I got to the front door, it opened.

And there was Beth.

Wearing a hoodie that was four times the size for her.

Her hair was pulled back and messy. She looked like she had been crying.

That made me run toward her.

I jumped up the steps and met her halfway on the porch.

She threw her arms around me in a way I never felt before. She hugged me like she never hugged me before. I lifted her off the ground and sucked in a deep breath.

"Leith," she whispered.

"Hey, angel," I whispered into her ear. "What the fuck is going on?"

"I couldn't… Leith…"

I put Beth down and broke the hug so I could see her again. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"I miss you," she said.

"You miss me? I miss you too."

"No. Leith. I never said it before to you. I played it off. I acted tough."

"Beth, I knew. I always know."

Tears leaked from her eyes.

She had been crying for a while. And her father came to find me. Because I could make her stop crying.

I leaned forward and kissed the tip of her nose. "Beth, listen to me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry I had to move. But I'm not going anywhere."

She grabbed the sides of my shirt. "I know. It just hurts tonight."

It hurt every night. Some worse than others.

Tim made his siren give out a quick bleep sound.

I pulled Beth's hands from my shirt.

We quickly kissed and she turned and ran back inside.

She let me see a few tears fall but nothing more.

My stomach hurt as I walked back to the car, wondering if she was inside crying her eyes out. I didn't understand it. Why we couldn't just be together. To be close. To have something that was normal and real.

I ripped open the door to the police car and climbed into the backseat.

"Feeling guilty?" Tim asked.

"No," I said.

I stared at the front door.

I saw the curtain of the front window gently move.

Beth watching me be driven away.

I had no idea why her father did that to us.

Maybe he was trying to help Beth.

Maybe he was trying to hurt me.

It was good to hear her say she missed me.

But that didn't take away how much it hurt with each mile that was put between me and her.

One thing I knew for sure.

Nothing was going to keep me away from Beth.