Chapter 15

Here We Lie…

NOW

(Leith)

Anastasia was my star student. She was crazy smart and there had been talks about bumping her up a grade - maybe even two. But her parents wanted everything normal for her. No advanced classes. No special classes. No moving up grades. As a teacher that sort of irritated me because the girl was clearly gifted. But as a person who sat there and watched the way the minds of the kids worked, I respected the hell out of her parents for being levelheaded. No matter what happened, Anastasia was going to excel and become something amazing.

She stood at my desk, waiting for me to review her coloring project.

That's what Friday had become.

We had plenty to talk about. There were fractions. There was writing. There was me reading to them. But I decided to just call it a day before the day even began. Hell, the only reason I showed up to school was because of Amy.

Amy.

Damn Amy…

"What do you think, Mr. Leith?" Anastasia asked.

Her high pitched voice sometimes went through me.

She looked at me through her glasses.

She just got them a few months ago and wasn't sure about them.

I heard a couple kids make comments so I bought a pair of reading glasses from the pharmacy, popped the lenses out, and wore them. The kids who had been making comments, I stood at their desks and stared them down. I asked them if they had anything to say to me and they agreed there was nothing to say to me. And just like that, Anastasia's glasses were no longer the gossip point in my class.

Anastasia had drawn and colored a beautiful picture of a swing set and grass and trees and birds and a playground. It could have been framed and entered into the yearly art contest. But that was run by the art teacher. And you did not step on Miss Anderson's turf.

"Perfection," I said. "Work on another one."

"Do you have some math I can do?" she asked, scrunching up her nose.

I laughed.

What kid asked for math homework?

I opened my drawer and took out next week's fraction worksheet. I handed it to Anastasia, knowing she would handle it with ease.

She was used to always getting everything right that I liked to keep her on her toes. She needed to learn how to get an answer wrong and how to deal with it. She used to get visibly upset but now she knew how to stop, breathe, and figure out what went wrong.

I laughed to myself as she walked back to her desk.

Stop, breathe, figure out what went wrong.

Too bad I didn't take that advice when I had the chance.

The night ran through my head like a movie on repeat.

The morning was like the ending I never wanted to get to.

Amy standing there, drinking a cup of coffee. Back from New York. There to surprise me. There to tell me she didn't like the way things had been done over the phone.

Standing in pajamas, with bed head, knowing she slept in the upstairs bed.

Our bed.

I swallowed hard.

It was no longer our bed .

It was back to being my bed .

At least that's how things had sounded.

But she was back home.

Back home.

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to feel guilty or not, because I didn't. I hadn't done anything I would call wrong. Not with Beth.

Even that kiss…

I looked down at my desk.

I had spent the day in a daze fueled by caffeine.

I managed to get all of next week's classwork ready to go.

The kids were pretty damn good for me today too. Normally a free day would result in them turning into wild monsters. But as long as I challenged them to something, they were happy.

My phone lit up on my desk.

A message from Amy.

Can't wait to see you in a bit ;)

I flipped the phone over and shook my head.

That's when the guilt sort of hit me.

Because I wanted to be back at the creek. Or back at the bar.

I wanted to be standing outside, smoking, laughing.

I wanted to feel my mouth burning from the crazy hot sauce.

That entire sense of freedom and craziness.

The feeling of Beth.

My eyes scanned the classroom.

If I even thought about going near her again, everything I had would be lost.

That's just what we did to each other.

She'd fall into me, forgetting about her life.

And I'd give up anything to protect her and keep her mine.

Because with her I knew what I wanted.

I stood up from my desk and all eyes were suddenly on me.

I put my fists to the desk and grinned.

Things were about to get really messy.

And not just because I was about to let all the kids paint without paintbrushes.

I walked through the door dead tired.

Beyond dead tired.

The only sleep I had was the cat nap I took while everyone was at lunch and recess. That wasn't enough to keep functioning and it was far from enough to deal with Amy.

A part of me wondered if I was going to walk into the house and find her redecorating. Because that was part of her nervous post-fight kind of thing she did. There had been a few times we had almost called it quits and she would hurry to rearrange or redecorate just to change things up to make it all seem new and fresh.

The house was the same.

Not even a couch cushion moved an inch.

I saw a small bag near the dining room. That hadn't been there this morning.

Amy appeared again, just like before, coming from the kitchen.

"How was your day?" she called out in a cheery voice.

"Good," I said. "I'm tired."

"I bet. Late night, huh?"

"Thursday night."

"Your routine," she said.

"Something like that," I said.

"That's good."

"You know, Jessie was asking about you last week."

"Oh? Wow."

"Yeah."

"She still works there, huh?"

"She does," I said. "It's her job."

"Well, I mean… you know… that's not really a secure kind of job."

"Why not?"

"Bartending?"

"It's a job. Takes skill. You can make good money at it."

"But the grind of it," Amy said. "What are you accomplishing?"

"Think bigger, Amy," I said. "Serving drinks to people who are tired, lonely, heartbroken. Not everyone has to be a doctor to be successful."

Amy smiled. "You have such a way of thinking, Leith. You can tell you're a writer at heart. The way you look beyond things the way a normal person does."

"Yeah, right," I said. I realized I was standing in the middle of my own living room. "What are you doing here?"

"I told you…"

"No," I said. "I really didn't get what you were saying."

"Leith, we fought over the phone," she said.

"And you just came rushing back?"

"Isn't that the right thing to do?"

"Is that what you wanted to do, Amy?"

"Meaning?"

I walked forward and paused at her bag. "That's all you brought. So this is a quick trip."

"I have things happening…"

"Yeah. I know you do."

Amy frowned. "What's happening here, Leith?"

"I never gave my notice at the school, Amy," I said. "I never had any intention to do so either."

I wasn't going to mess around.

I wasn't going to stand there and make things worse. It wasn't fair to Amy and it wasn't fair to me.

"What?" she asked.

"You just did what you wanted," I said. "Which was fine. You're chasing a dream for yourself. You always talked about it. You brought it up on our first date. Talked about moving to a big city and living that kind of life. Which I always thought was amazing to hear about. But then you wanted to go for it. And you also wanted someone to chase after you."

"And you never intended to chase after me," Amy said.

"I have my life right here."

"This is what you want?" she asked. "This is it?"

"You've cut everyone out of your life, Amy. I'm sitting there talking to Jessie. She was one of your best friends."

"So what?" Amy snapped. "People change. Life changes. I don't have to force myself to be friends with someone."

"Of course you don't," I said. "But you don't have to cut people out who aren't successful to you."

She scoffed. "That's not what I do."

"That's all you do. It happened to me too. With…"

The name Bucky popped into my head. And my heart fell a little.

One of my closest friends. A guy who could write like nobody I ever met. But he looked like a hippie and looked like a bum. I missed him. I missed a lot of things.

"What are you trying to get at here then?" Amy asked. "We had a fight over the phone and now what? I came back to show you how much I care."

"You came back for a day or two, that's it."

"That should be enough, Leith."

You were with someone. I heard the voice. You were drunk. So what happened? You sobered up and took a bus here? Or got a ride?

It wasn't worth saying.

Things were a disaster.

I lied to her.

She left.

We fought.

She came back.

She was lying to me.

It had been going on longer than just this life and career decision.

"So you're pissed about Jessie?" Amy asked. "You know why I stopped talking to her? The drama. Okay? I just couldn't take it. Hearing about her boyfriend. About getting pregnant. It was just… I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to scream that she was doing this to herself. Which she was. And she did."

"Life isn't always cut and dry. And I don't care about Jessie. I'm just making a point."

"Yeah? Here's another point, Leith. Sometimes you have to align yourself with people who think like you. That's part of getting what you want."

I lowered my head and sighed. "This is pointless. We're not going to stand here and argue."

"I agree. Your clothes stink, Leith. Like greasy food and cigarette smoke. And dirt. And… I don't know…"

"You smelled my clothes."

"You stopped smoking the night we went on our first date," Amy said. "How did we end up here then?"

"You've always moved where you wanted to go," I said. "And I was always there too. We were on the same path together."

"Now we're not."

I didn't respond.

Amy laughed. "You were never going to come to New York."

"And you were never going to come back."

"I didn't lie about it."

"You're right."

"That's good enough then," she said. "I don't need to hear anything else from you."

"Yes, you do," I said.

"No, I fucking don't," Amy said. "I came back to see what this was. What was left. And you're already gone."

"And what did you do?" I asked. "You made your decision long before I did anything."

Amy got her bag and walked by me.

"I heard someone's voice," I said.

She froze. "What?"

"When you called. I was awake. I heard someone's voice. I hope whatever you have you're happy with."

"Same for you," she said. "You were out all night. You didn't expect me to be here waiting. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"The same way I feel right now," I said.

"So I'm not worth fighting for? I'm not worth chasing?"

I gritted my teeth.

My silence was the worst kind of answer I could have given to Amy.

"Christ, you're such a fucking asshole, Leith," she said.

Amy left the house.

I shut my eyes and let out a long sigh.

A voice inside my heart and head told me to go find Beth. Right then and there. Find her and confess all the apologies and truths that were never spoken. Because the ending with her was too much like the ending with Amy.

And I had been warned all along.

The warnings were there with Amy. Trying to cover up who I was and what I wanted. Losing pieces of myself along the way, thinking it was a good thing and a good way to shed the past for good.

But even before that.

Hell, before I was even able to legally drive a car.

I had been warned.

I had my chance to get away from Beth and her wild heart.

But I couldn't help myself.

I never wanted someone the way I wanted her.

And nothing - then or now - was going to stop me.