Chapter 12
Three, Five, Eight, Eleven, Thirteen…
NOW
(Beth)
Dani walked behind the bar and purposely bumped her elbow into mine. If I had been carrying two drinks I would have dropped at least one. I wasn't focused. I wasn't expecting her to bump into me either.
I jumped and put my left hand out, making sure I didn't spill the twelve-dollar martini for the man in the suit at the bar. He was clean-cut, a strong jaw, stronger eyes, and he had been looking at me all night.
It was his third drink.
And he was lucky because he almost wore it.
Dani kept walking and I put the drink down.
"Collision, huh?" the man in the suit asked.
"Looks that way."
"Too bad."
"What?"
"You'd look better wearing this than serving it."
"Oh?"
"And I'd sure it would taste better too."
I lifted both eyebrows.
I realized that was my go fuck yourself look.
I hurried to switch gears just a little so the guy didn't get up and leave.
This was my life. This was part of my job.
My manager called it being accessible .
Which was all crap if you asked me.
We were flirting for cash.
Well, I didn't do it as much as the others.
I was just me.
"Enjoy your drink," I said. "Sorry I'm not wearing it for you. Next time tell Dani to really hit me."
The man in the suit pointed between myself and Dani. "You two. Together. I could deal with that."
I just smiled.
Apparently my smile was flirty and vixen like.
So men thought I was flirting.
What I was really doing was running through my monthly budget to remind myself I needed the job. Because I felt like smashing the martini glass of the side of his perfectly-cut jaw.
I walked away and curled my lip at Dani.
The bar was always dark and sleek. The lights were a warm, almost orange color. They reflected off the shiny bar. The back wall was lit up floor to ceiling with all kinds of booze. There was even a sliding ladder - like in a library - to get to the top shelf. And believe me, there were men who paid insanely high prices for a drink just to watch one of us climb a ladder to get the bottle of booze.
But I enjoyed the job.
It was contained.
I was behind the bar.
I knew what to do and how to do it.
That usually wasn't my style, but I welcomed it at the moment.
Funny how I was picking at Leith for having a routine yet I was the same way.
"You are so far gone tonight, Beth," Dani said.
"What?"
"Did you bring your passport?"
I scrunched my face. "What the hell is your problem?"
"You," she said. "What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"See, the word nothing means just that. Nothing. It's a cheap lie."
I rolled my eyes and turned, leaning against the back wall.
The bar wasn't too busy for a Wednesday. I'd still do okay but nothing like a really busy night.
"Just tell me if you're okay or not," Dani said. "Last time you were this distant looking, things weren't good at home. You hid that from everyone. Including me."
"So I'm a bad person for not wanting to admit my marriage was failing?"
"I didn't say that. I'm here for you."
"I'm here, Dani. I'm working. I've got some things on my mind."
"Good things or bad?"
"You want to do me a favor?" I asked, looking at her.
"Of course."
"I need a ride somewhere tomorrow."
"Okay…"
"Back to the place we were that night for Holly's thing."
Dani raised an eyebrow. "Oh."
"Don't."
"I'm not."
"Trust me. You can't imagine it, even if you tried."
"If you say so."
I took a step and Dani touched my arm. "Hey. Promise me you're not getting into any trouble."
I swallowed hard. I could have lie to her.
But this time I told the truth.
"I can't promise anything to anyone anymore… not even myself."
Of course a place like this was suddenly ours.
I looked around at the old brick building, shaking my head.
There was no ours . There was only back then .
So what was the point in thinking about Leith all week?
I told myself it was about closure.
True closure.
Cover up the last few pieces of the trail that we had been on together. Never forget the memories though. They were too good to forget. But then things were ready to end, they came really fast. Things said. Things done. And so much implied it became this wall between us that allowed time to push its hands against us, driving us apart even more.
So what if we had the chance now to actually talk again. To meet up and…
I opened the door and walked into a sense of Deja vu. I looked to the spot where Leith had been last week, but it was taken up by someone else.
When I looked to the table we sat at, that was occupied too.
The entire place… no sign of Leith.
Pride choked up in the back of my throat.
Seeing me must have done something to him then.
How fitting.
A taste of the worst… and he fled back to the pretty woman with bright blue eyes, wearing a diamond ring.
What did I think would happen?
Leith would just throw everything he had into the air and walk away from it for me?
There was an open spot at the bar.
It looked really comfortable too.
I could drink until these feelings didn't bother me.
And then someone would give me a ride home.
Either Dani or some stranger.
Whatever worked.
A hand touched the middle of my back and I jumped.
"Hey."
I turned and looked up and there was Leith.
Towering over me.
My chin instantly started to quiver. I felt like I was going to cry.
I had let my guard down just enough to feel vulnerable to him.
The feeling of never seeing him again brought back all those old memories.
We were a terrible idea then.
And probably now.
"You okay?" he asked me.
"What's the deal?" I asked.
"The deal?"
"I'm divorced. Alone. Single. That's me. What about you?"
Leith took his phone out of his pocket and showed it to me. His screen was just some standard image of random colors.
"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.
"It means she left and is never coming back," he said.
Butterflies suddenly all took a nosedive together and I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.
"Look, I need a smoke," he said. "If we're going to get into this right now… come with me."
He opened the door and outside we went.
I licked my bottom lip and threw my right hand forward, touching his left hand.
He didn't hesitate for a second as he took my hand and squeezed it.
I opened my mouth to exhale a breath… or a sigh… or a scream…
The question the mattered was this - was this worth the pain?
"She was a teacher like me," he said. "We met through friends of a friend and all that shit. Opposites from the moment we met. Which to me, at that time, worked."
"Opposite of me," I whispered.
"Exactly. Just like Joel."
"Leith…"
"Come on. Don't lie to me or yourself about Joel. He was a doofus. He couldn't tie his own shoes. A useless piece of shit who-"
"I married him," I said. "So what does that make me?"
Leith took a drag of his cigarette. "You're right. Sorry. That's jealousy talking."
"Jealousy?"
"Of course. Watching you with him. I was there for your father's funeral. You know that, right?"
I nodded.
My mind flashed the image of me in bed, naked, after Joel and I were together, and the first thing I did was text Leith.
"I was there, angel," he said.
Angel.
No. No way. That's not going to work anymore.
He smirked. "You still hate that, don't you?"
"More than ever," I said.
"Good." Leith put his head back and took another drag. "I'm not a good person, Beth. I need you to know that. I'm not any different than what happened with us."
"Is that a selling feature?"
"That's a warning to stop showing up here on Thursday."
I laughed. "I'm the one who does what she wants, Leith. I'm here for my own reasons. So don't try that tough guy card with me."
Leith kept smirking.
"So you want the rest of the story?" he asked.
"I want a drink. And something to eat. I don't know about you. You can stand out here and smoke that killer stick. I'll be inside."
Leith moved faster than me.
His hand touching the right side of my body, reached across my body. Putting his arm out to block and touch me.
He pulled just enough to make sure my left shoulder touched his body.
All this little things that exploded inside me that shouldn't have been exploding.
"Don't try that tough girl card with me."
"Leith, I will punch you in the nose and not think twice about it."
"I know."
"So let me the fuck go."
I looked up at him again.
That was the moment we were supposed to kiss.
The sensation flooding me like nothing I had felt in a long time.
It was like waking up from a really long boring night of sleep.
Yet it was like falling right back into a nightmare.
I counted the seconds between us.
Three.
Five.
Eight.
Eleven.
Thirteen…
Breathing each other in.
Trying to keep it innocent for the sake of feelings and the sake of appearance.
Although it wasn't me that had to worry about appearance. The ink on my divorce papers had dried a really long time ago.
Leith was the one navigating some kind of breakup.
I finally touched his hand.
There was a split second thought of sliding his hand up to my chest. To feel that grip of his over my breast. Never afraid to test my limits. Never afraid to take what he wanted from me. Knowing I trusted him and knowing he trusted himself. And fuck, there was nothing hotter than that. A man who knew what to do, how to do it… a man who could take me and challenge me…
I gritted my teeth and shoved his hand away.
I let out a shaking breath and rushed to the door.
A smart person would walk away from trouble.
And it wasn't that I wasn't smart…
I just always liked trouble.
"Hotter than last week," I said with tears in my eyes.
"I'm glad you said it," Leith said. "Holy hell."
"I know," I said. "Must have a different cook here tonight."
Leith exhaled a breath and the hot sauce smell flew across the table and hit me.
I waved my hand. "Come on, man, give me a break here."
"Sorry, angel," he said.
I shook my head as I wiped my hands.
Leith was nursing his second beer while I was well ahead of him.
But I didn't have to drive.
He threw a napkin into the plastic basket with the chicken wing bones and pushed it aside.
"Damn," he said.
"Yeah. Damn is right. And speaking of damn…"
"Go ahead," he said. "Ask away."
"I'm not asking anything," I said. "You started talking and you stopped."
"Not sure what you want me to talk about, Beth. What's done is done."
"But done…"
Are you thick headed, Leith? What does done mean? What does your heart feel right now?
"She went to New York," Leith said. "Okay?"
"What's there?"
"Her dream."
"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry."
Leith shrugged his shoulders. "I'm trying not to think about it… Go back and pick out things that were always amiss between us. That would feel like we wasted time."
"Did you waste time though?"
"Did you waste time with Joel?"
He kept cutting at me over Joel. "You know what, Leith. I did. I wasted time. With him."
"And you married him."
"You know, let me ask you something," I said.
"Okay."
"If you didn't see me here that night… and we didn't meet up last week. Or this week. Would that picture still be on your phone?"
"It's not that simple, Beth."
"Yes, it is. You said she went to New York. Did she just wake up one day and go? Did she make plans in advance?" I didn't let him answer. "That's the point, Leith. You found your excuse out of it. And if you didn't, I bet that ring on her finger would have turned into another ring. And then you would be the one getting married. And maybe you'd have that little, tiny feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you that this isn't exactly the right thing to do. But you'd do it anyway."
"Is that what happened to you?" Leith asked.
"No." I stood up. "I'm going to get going. I have to, uh, just… go."
I rushed out of the bar, leaving Leith to pick up the bill. Which I would have expected him to do anyway.
Outside, I had nowhere to go.
I had no car. I had no ride.
That meant I had to call Dani.
Only I didn't call Dani.
Leith was the only person I had ever been honest with in my entire life. Even when it hurt.
I finally started to text Dani.
"You should have never gone through that."
I stopped typing.
"Can't change it now," I said.
I didn't even bother to look at Leith.
"Who are you texting?"
"My ride."
"Your ride?"
"I didn't drive here tonight." I lifted my gaze.
"What did you expect then? You want me to take you home?"
"I didn't say that," I said.
"Put your phone away, angel," Leith said.
I erased the text to Dani and put my phone away.
"I'm sorry I said anything," Leith said. "About my life. And asking about yours."
"I'm not," I said.
"Look, I don't know what you exactly want from me tonight. Or what's happening here, Beth. This is what I do. And the truth is this… I don't want to think about anything that could have been all wrong with Amy. Okay? She decided she wanted to live in New York and get a job there. And she implied I would be there with her."
"In New York?"
"Yeah. She wanted me to chase her down and show her how much I cared. And you know what, Beth? You were right about everything."
"I was?"
"Yeah. The ring. Everything you said about it was true. And it goes to another level. I told her I was quitting my teaching job at the end of the year. She thinks I did. I never did. She left for New York weeks ago and things haven't been the same. It's… just done. She's going to stay there because that's where she's happy."
"And you, Leith? Are you happy?"
He shook his head. "I'm just here."
It maybe made me happy for a second, to think of him hurting. But I didn't like the way he looked when he was hurting.
"So that's it?" I asked.
"That's it. And I'm not a good person for how it all turned out. She still doesn't know that I never quit. But she knows I'm not going to New York. And that's that, angel."
"Angel," I said. "Hate that stuff, Leith."
"I know."
"So what do we do now?" I asked.
"You tell me. I'm your driver, I guess."
"I have a crazy idea."
"Those are the only ones you've ever had."
"Are you sure you're with me on this?"
"Nope."
"Good."
I started to walk.
"Hey, where are we going?" Leith called out.
"I want to get drunk and go down to the creek."
Leith's face changed.
He didn't look sad anymore.
Now he looked guilty.
We both knew what always happened when we'd go down to the creek.
I turned and kept walking, purposing moving in a way that I knew he was looking at me.
And you know what?
I fucking liked it.