Chapter 30

BENNY

Acknowledging that I might need to be tested for a learning disability is confronting. Trying to convince Em he might need to do the same is near impossible. His suggestion of me also dropping college and then neither of us having to worry about it just earns him an eye roll, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't look like the only out.

The thing is, if I'm tested and something comes back, what do I do about it?

Tell the school? Ask for a waiver or assistance? That's only going to open up questions about why it's never been a problem before now. Hoo boy, the shit I'd be in if I admitted to cheating.

It wouldn't just be Em who's expelled.

"How'd it go?" Harrison asks the second I get back to my room from my doctor's appointment.

"I have a referral."

When he reaches for me and pulls me into his big arms, I go eagerly. I'm not used to this. The whole being vulnerable thing fucking sucks, and I know why Asher fights it so hard. I want to fight it too, but unfortunately, there's no running away from my brain. It's still a struggle to believe this is happening to me.

"Now we wait," he says.

I drop my whole body into the hug, sagging against him and loving the way he holds me up. It's hard not to get in my head about everything, but he's been really good at distracting me. Not only with sex, either, but just … everything. The Halloween party we went to on the weekend as a tree and Poison Guy-vy was so fun, and helping him plan his plant dinner over these last few days has been perfect for redirecting my focus.

And surprisingly fun.

"I hate waiting," I remind him.

"I know. I don't think I've ever met anyone more impatient than you are, but suck it up, babe, because you've only taken the first step."

I press my face to his shoulder. "And if I don't take any more steps?"

"Then you struggle. I'm not going to tell you what to do."

"Be easier if you did."

He laughs, shoulder moving under my face. "It's not my place. I'll give you my opinion and my support, but the rest is up to you. Not gonna lie, it's probably going to get really bloody hard from here on."

"You're not supposed to be truthful," I grumble. "You're supposed to tell me it will all be okay and then feed me ice cream."

"Ice cream, I can do."

"And the rest?"

Harrison pulls away. "It will be okay, but that doesn't mean what you want it to mean."

I scowl and kick his shoes across the floor toward him. "Fine. I'll settle for the ice cream."

Harrison fist-bumps, and I'm tempted to knock his hat off his head. I don't, but only because he looks hot as fuck with it on.

"Any luck getting Em to go with you?" he asks as he pulls his shoes on.

"Nope. He says he doesn't need it."

Harrison shakes his head, but he looks indulgent. "You Daltons are a stubborn bunch."

"You've only met two of us."

"About that …" He clears his throat, adjusting his cap a bit. "I thought, maybe if you want to, that we could talk about Christmas."

"Christmas?"

"Well, it's next month, and it's the only time I fly home during the year, and you'll probably also be going home, but … well …"

A sly grin spreads across my face. "You want to spend it with me."

"I know it's a long shot, and maybe not the actual day if we can't swing it, but something would be cool. Even if we just celebrate before we both leave. Or you … fly to Florida, maybe?"

I blink. "You want me to meet your family?"

"It will happen eventually, right? So why not?"

"Why not?" I'm sure my face is blank because I'm fucking stunned. Harrison tells me he's serious all the time, he tells me he's not going anywhere, but that doesn't mean I believe him. Not all the way deep down. This though … it's serious. It's more commitment than I would have expected, but then I look into his earnest eyes and feel my heart do that squishy thing it does around him.

"If it's too soon?—"

"It's not." I sound like a fucking fool with how fast that comes out. So much for playing it cool. "Christmas Day, I have to be with my family, but … what if you come home with me? Then fly out Christmas Eve to head home, and I'll meet you there the day after? Would … would that work?"

His sweet, brown eyes are wide as he nods. "It's kind of perfect. You'd be okay with that?"

"Very. Besides, my family aren't going to believe that someone likes me enough to put up with me unless I have you there for proof."

He pinches my chin gently. "I'm not sure even having me there is enough to prove that to them."

"Dick." I slap his hand away but press a quick kiss to his lips anyway.

Harrison is so damn incredible he makes me sick sometimes. Insults as a love language?

Marry me already.

"How are you feeling?"Em mutters from where he's sitting next to me. It's going to be a long-ass day being head shrunk, and he wanted to be the one to drop me off and sit with me while I waited. As much as I would have loved Harrison to be here, I'm glad it's Em.

"Like I'm about to have to talk to people about this shit."

"That is why you're here."

I glance over at him. "Sure you don't want to come in?"

Em raises his hands to ward me off. "This is all you."

"It's just … embarrassing, you know?" I hate constantly going over this, but I can't get past it. I know what people will think, and it fucking sucks. "Rhys was probably born understanding more about math than I ever will."

During the two weeks I spent waiting for this appointment, I've given Google a workout. All it took was typing in problems with math to stumble across dyscalculia and match just about every fucking symptom like it was a checkbox exercise. I didn't realize that it wasn't only numbers that I was struggling with—directions have never been my strength, and when Coach would shout things like "Take it up the left," I'd have to check which way everyone else was going before I'd know what he meant. No wonder I had a reputation for going rogue.

Near, far, soon, later—those words mean absolutely nothing to me.

My sensitivity to the criticisms that Em and I wouldn't be as good if we were split up was valid because they were right. I looked to him way too many times, and I hadn't even realized I was doing it.

I'm so confident that's what's going on with me that if these guys come back to me and say everything's fine, I'll start questioning their degrees.

"We really fucked ourselves, didn't we?" Em asks.

I glance over at him, hazel eyes heavy with guilt under my Franklin U cap. "We didn't know."

"Yeah, but if I hadn't been covering for you all these years, it probably would have been picked up when we were kids. You might have gotten help and been able to?—"

"No maybes." I'm firm about that. "I'm sure it would have been picked up sooner, but it's just something I'm going to have to live with. It wasn't your fault, Em. I never talked to you about any of it."

"But I knew you were struggling, and I thought I was helping. Making things easier for you."

"Yeah, but by the same reasoning, we could say similar about you. Your English skills are shit."

"Maybe, but I can still read. Write. It might be hard, and I might not like it, but?—"

"At least you can work out change," I say mockingly.

He flicks my leg. "Shut up. I'm being serious. I feel like shit."

"Well, you can quit it with that because it's my turn. Be supportive or something."

He smiles and bumps me with his shoulder. "I think you're very brave for doing this."

While Em is normally the nice one, he's not usually sweet to me because he knows I'm allergic. He must sense I need it now though. "That's … thanks. It's gonna be shit, but?—"

"Wait, you think I'm talking about the test?" He gives a forced laugh. "Benny, that'll be the easy part. I mean having to tell West, Jas, and Asher."

"Who says I'm telling them?"

"I fucking won't be."

"Just leaving me to it, huh?"

Em cuffs my shoulder. "Like I said, super brave. Well done, you."

"I already know what they're going to say."

"Cheating only cheats yourself?"

I sigh because that's exactly it. We're grown adults; they can't exactly give us a lecture, even though West will probably try. The thing is, they'd be right. Em was right. Cheating was the easy way out, and because that's the path I chose, I'm fucked now. Look at me.

It's a decision I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

Em's always been my crutch. My safety net. I always thought it went both ways, but if he's right in that he doesn't struggle as much as he makes out, then I was wrong. It's been Em looking out for me all this time.

Emmy and Benny.

Benny and Emmy.

Completely identical.

Basically the same person.

The identity I loved for so long has gone sour, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think it's time Em and I really made moves to figure out who the hell we are.

For real.

I glance over at him, hoping he's not going to hate me for this. "Will you pick me up after?"

"Obviously."

"Good. While you wait, there's something I want you to do for me."