Chapter 29

HARRISON

The fact Benny doesn't immediately write back to my message tells me this isn't good. The fact he hasn't written back by that night tells me it's really, really not good.

It's hard not to feel guilty. It's hard to know the guy I've fallen for is struggling because of a limit I set. I'm almost tempted to message him and just tell him to have Em take the class, but I won't.

As much as I hate knowing he's probably failed, I can't support cheating.

The clock thing from the other day keeps coming back to me, and at this point, it's not even completely about the cheating either.

Benny needs this. Emmett probably too. They've never had to stand on their own before, and while I'd never want to split the twins up, it's more about getting them not to rely on each other so much.

The other night when I saw them together, it was clear that when one struggled, the other would save them. As soon as I had that thought, I was tuned in to every little thing that was out of the ordinary.

Struggling with a word? The other one would jump in.

Bored? The other was their entertainment.

When dinner came, I asked how we were splitting it; Em jumped in before Benny could and worked out their part.

When we were talking about an article, I went to hand my phone off to Em to read, but Benny grabbed it and read out loud instead.

If Benny's struggling with math stuff, it makes me curious whether Em has his struggles too. He wasn't confident with his typing in class, for one thing. Jesus. Just how much have they made everything harder on themselves, all because they took the easy route for so long?

I'm fucking stressy over the lack of contact. He's read my messages—I can tell because his read receipts are on—but even after dinner, when I'm considering smothering myself in bed, there's nothing. The longer it goes on, the more anxiety tries to take hold.

Then an upsetting thought hits: does he blame me?

That both makes me feel guiltier and mad. Sure, I feel like it's my fault, but I also rationally know it's all bullshit. That thought comes from wanting to fix things for him when I can't. If he blames me, that's a whole other issue. They're the ones who got themselves into this, and I'd be devastated to know my wanting him to do the right thing was what came between us.

But what the fuck else could it be? Why would he be ignoring me?

It'd be just my luck to know I've fallen in love with him right as he broke up with me because he failed a test. And I get it. That's scary shit when you're talking about a degree and your future, but here I am wanting to be in this, to see where it goes for as long as possible, and I have no fucking clue where Benny's at.

Fuck. I've gone from feeling guilty and worried about him to being convinced he wants to break up with me. There's something seriously wrong in my head.

I force myself to bed after midnight, the smell of him on my sheets just making me feel worse. My sleep is shitty and broken, and even though I crash hard sometime after three, I'm back up at five, scrambling for my phone.

There's still nothing.

Obviously.

He's probably asleep.

I toss my phone beside me, wondering how I'm supposed to handle this. He left me on read. All day. That's a clear sign he's pissed, but that's my job. I'm allowed to be shitty with myself; it's not fair to get it from him too.

I'd really hoped he'd pass. Really fucking hoped this would have been a success story. It wasn't a midterm or a major assignment; it was a low-weighted test on the subject matter we've just covered, so surely Benny could retake it? Surely he could do something extra to boost the grade, just enough to scrape a pass.

As much as I just want to believe he's out celebrating a good grade, I know Benny better than that.

I'm up earlier than usual for my jog, hoping it will rid Benny from my brain, but it doesn't. When I stop at my usual coffee cart, Austin asks me if I want the usual, and I hesitate.

"Harrison?"

"Actually, add two hot chocolates to that."

I've given Benny plenty of time to blame me and sulk. Now, it's time for us to talk whatever this is out. I can't get through classes today without speaking to him first.

Someone's on their way out of the DIK house when I get there, so I let myself inside and make for Benny's room. I'm sure Em will be there with him, hence the second drink, but hopefully the hot chocolate will butter him up enough to give us a private moment.

Or maybe Benny won't want that. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

There's commotion inside his room when I knock, and a moment later, the door cracks open the smallest amount, and Benny's wary eyes peer out through it, then widen comically.

"Harrison?"

"Hot chocolate?"

He hurries to step back and open the door so I can slip inside, which I take as a good sign.

Doesn't stop me being nervous though. Facing Benny has my heart thumping loudly because his eyes don't light up like they usually do.

I turn to Em for something to do. "For you."

He takes his drink with a huge grin, and it's ridiculous how I didn't pick it straightaway. "This is perfect, thank you."

"Would have gotten you coffee if I knew what you drank."

"We don't drink coffee," Benny mumbles. "Tastes shit."

He looks so small and defeated I want to wrap him in a hug and never let go. His hair is wild from bed, big lips poutier than usual, and his stunning eyes have deep depressions under them. Every one of my protective instincts goes wild for him.

"I'm gonna go before you start fucking," Em says, hopping up from the mattress on the floor. "Benny, don't leave the room until you text me. I'm getting breakfast." He steps out into the hall and closes the door behind him.

I point to the door. "Your brothers know about you two?"

"Of course not. They just assume he's me."

Similar to how I did. Though, Em actually introduced himself as Benny to me, so maybe not the same thing.

"What are you doing here?" Benny's voice is gravelly, and as hot as this look is on him, I can also imagine how shit he feels. Hell, I had bugger all sleep as well.

"You didn't text me back."

"I needed to think."

"All day?"

His forehead flexes under his frown. "Was it all day?"

"Yeah. I messaged you yesterday morning."

"Huh."

"Benny … do you need me to remind you what happened when I was the one not writing back? You threatened to sleep with some other guy and broke your phone."

"Can't help but notice your phone is in one piece," he snarks, not looking at me. "You weren't that upset about it."

"Or maybe I handle my emotions like a normal person."

Benny takes his hot chocolate, then swings his desk chair around and sits on it backward. He's hugging the back as he says, "I failed."

I brace myself for him to point the finger.

"And now I'm really embarrassed about it and stressed because I'm running out of ideas. It was an open book one, and I still couldn't do it."

I wait for a moment. "You're not mad at me?"

Benny's mouth drops. "What? Why would I be?"

"Because it's my fault Em isn't taking the class for you anymore."

He stands up, looking like a terrifying Chihuahua. Benny might have a hockey build, but he doesn't quite reach my nose. It's his attitude that makes him appear bigger than he is.

"That's not your fault. You didn't turn me in, are you kidding? I'm so fucking relieved you're on my side and pushing me to do better. It's why I'm so mad with myself that I can't."

"You just need?—"

"What? Time?" He looks a second away from pulling his hair out. "What the fuck even is time? Earlier, later, soon. Five hours from now? It might as well be a year. Or a minute. I don't get it. Any of it. These books?" He grabs the stats book from where it's resting on his bed. "Why do they even bother writing this shit in English? I don't have enough fingers to count shit out, and when I use my calculator, it's great until they start throwing in words like more or less. I can't do it, Harrison." He stalks closer, breathing loudly. "I. Can't. Do. It."

There's so much blind panic on his face that it cuts off my automatic reply of taking it easy on himself until he learns. Because he will learn. Right?

My voice is a whisper when I answer him. "Do you need Em to go back to doing it?"

He shakes his head hard. "That's not … No. Taking the easy way out is what got us into this mess—I'm not getting upset over that. I don't want to rely on him. I want to know this stuff, want it to make sense. But I'm worried it never will. My brain won't remember any of it."

I eye him for a moment. "Any?"

His jaw sets. "I can memorize just about anything in most of my classes. I wrap my head around it, take it in, understand it. With this … there's something wrong with me."

I watch him blink back tears, that same niggling from the greenhouse taking over me. Then I grab my phone, find my clock app, and hold it up to him. "What time is it?"

His eyes fly wide. "I don't … what are you …"

"Take your time."

"Read it yourself."

"I want you to read it."

His glare feels like he's trying to make my head explode.

"What time is it, Benny?"

He huffs and looks back at it. "Seven … something."

"Seven what?"

"It's too small to tell."

I take a deep breath. "What's four times five?"

His whole face goes white, hazel eyes and black circles under them the only things standing out on his face.

I step forward and grab him, tug him into a hug that's so tight it's like I want to transfer my pain onto him. I didn't know. I didn't understand how deep this went, and that he stepped up and tried anyway blows my mind.

He sniffs and wipes his eyes on my shirt.

"Don't know why you're hugging me," he mumbles.

"I needed one."

"Why?"

"Because I'm worried you'll get mad at what I'm about to say."

That makes him pull back. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"What? Fuck no. I just …" How the fuck do I word this? "Have you ever been tested?"

"For STDs? Obviously."

I stare him down because I'm not at all surprised he's trying to deflect. "For a learning disability."

"You think I'm stupid?"

"Don't use that word." I try to sound as stern as I can. "It has nothing to do with intellect. Some people need extra assistance, some just learn differently. It's obvious you need help with math, and I think talking to someone at the disability and accessibility office on campus might be a good first step."

"No way." He backs up. "I can't tell them I'm having issues when all of my tests have been near perfect. They'd throw me out of school if they knew what Em and I had done."

"Fuck. Okay." My mind is whirling. "Maybe not here, then. Maybe get a referral somewhere. I might be wrong, but we won't know that until you talk to someone."

The laugh he lets out is bitter. "My eldest brother is married to a math professor. My nerdy brother is a fucking math genius and graduated college four years early. You want me to tell them that not only do I not take after Rhys, but I'm probably going to fail out of college because of the subject they love so much?"

"There has to be something."

Benny's lips press together. "You should probably go. You didn't sign up for this."

I straighten, planting my feet firmer to the ground. If he wants me out, he'll have to wrestle me from the room, and we know who won the last time we tried it. "No."

"But—"

"You are who I signed up for. All of you. And I'm not going anywhere."