Chapter 31

HARRISON

I let Benny know I'm proud of him today, but I hold off my burning urge to text him and check in every few seconds. From what he was told, the initial meeting will have some assessments and a chat with his psych about what he's experiencing and what it could mean.

I'm desperate to know how it went, but I force myself to focus on my own shit. Organizing a whole-ass charity dinner on top of my regular coursework is a lot to take on, but I'm excited about it. That kind of frenzy building in my gut tells me I'm on the right path with it all.

I've found a local conservation group who are interested in what I'm trying to accomplish, and they've jumped in to help out with the agreement that the funds I raise will go to them. Claribel is the rep I've been talking to, and she's been a goddamn angel with finding some of these more obscure plants I'm after.

"I'm so excited to see how it all turns out," she says over the phone. "I am floored you got your hands on a ghost orchid. Floored. I want to be there just to see that thing myself."

I chuckle, still proud of myself over that one. Living in Florida and volunteering for different organizations over the summer definitely came in handy. "Well, I think we're ready to start selling tickets. I don't want the plants to be here long before returning to their homes, but I also don't want to rush things."

"Did you get your branding worked out?"

"I think so. The art department came in handy there."

"What tagline did you end up going with?"

"Everyone loves a good root. Root is British slang for, uh, bedroom stuff but also works for plants. Fits with the sex-sells aspect."

"Bedroom stuff." Claribel laughs. "Love it. Now …" She hesitates, which immediately grabs my attention. "One of my bosses got wind of your project. They had me run through what your plans were, and they're interested."

"Oh." I don't know what she's getting at, but it's cool to have interest from people higher up. "Tell them thanks."

"Tell them yourself. I assume you're cataloging data for how this event goes. They want to read your findings when you're done."

I blink at my laptop screen for a few moments. "That's … awesome. Thanks." Any contacts I can get at this stage can only be helpful, if they don't think I'm full of shit. Making plants fun has been done before, but those people didn't have a Benny who's happy to tell me exactly what people need.

While I think it's mind-blowingly cool to read up about soil health and photosynthesis, apparently, those topics are out. I need to be light on the education and heavy on the cool facts. Finding that balance hasn't been easy, but I've been putting all my time and effort into it.

Benny has been so patient as my sounding board.

A presence presses against my back, immediately chasing away the worry and bringing a smile to my face. I can't get off the phone with Claribel fast enough.

"I'm wrapping up for the day, but I'll let you know if there's more progress this week."

"Can't wait. Talk soon."

We hang up, and I turn to grab Benny in a bear hug.

"Should I be worried about late-night phone calls with strange women?" he asks, teeth tugging on my earlobe.

"Claribel does really like plants."

He growls, and it does all these weird, happy things to me. "Which one was a good poison again?"

"You don't need to worry about her. You don't like plants and act interested anyway. It's why I love you."

I'm expecting snark back when Benny goes tense in my arms. "Stop. Repeat."

"What do you mean?"

"That last damn thing you just fucking said to me."

What … oh, fuck. "Ah …" I swallow. "Plants …"

"You love me?"

"Love? What? There, umm, must be some amnesia—hallucinogenic—pollen in the air. Very strong. I think I stroked out for a minute."

Benny narrows his eyes. "Say it again."

"Say what?"

"You know what."

Well, fuck. Looks like he's not letting me get out of this. I want to say it was a slip of the tongue, but I've gotten so used to thinking that about him lately that I look at him, and it's all I see. I've wanted to tell him so many times, but we're both so busy with everything that it's never the right moment.

Looks like my malfunctioning mouth has decided the time is now. Whether I want it to be or not.

My nerves are going wild as I swallow and look down into his gorgeous face. He's waiting, eyes watching me carefully, and I can't read whether he's going to say it back or think I'm jumping way too ahead for even thinking it.

I let all my nerves out on a sigh. "I love you, Benny. Your lips, your snark, your big dick. The whole package. I love everything about you."

"E-everything?"

"Everything. Especially your brain."

"Kinda cannibalistic and creepy, but okay." He can try to lighten the mood all he likes, but I heard the way his voice got all caught up.

"What about you?"

"Me?"

I smirk, loving that I get to put it back on him. "You forced me to talk feelings. Now, it's your turn."

"That doesn't seem fair to me."

"Benny …"

"Look, I got a tattoo!"

I do a double take at the bandage on his forearm, and he almost has me. But I shake off the distraction and focus. "If you don't say something, I'm going to assume it's not returned. If it isn't, that's okay—it doesn't change anything for me. I'd just like to know for sure."

He huffs, cute nose wrinkling. "Fine." His voice drops and turns muffled. "Kinda, sort of love you or whatever, I guess."

"Louder."

I swear steam shoots from his nose. "I love you."

"Louder."

Benny snarls and grabs my jaw, pushing onto his toes until he's right in my face. "I fucking love you, and I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with every dumb thing you do because I can never stop thinking about you and talking about you, and if Em kills me, it's all your fault because he's sick of how disgustingly schmoopy I am." He makes a horrified noise and backs up a bit.

"You're schmoopy?"

"It's a sickness. I'll recover."

"Cute you think I'll let you." I link my finger into his belt loop, and even though he tries to act annoyed, he can't get to me quick enough. I kiss slowly along his hairline, over his cheekbone, and down to his jaw. My chest is so damn light I can't stop smiling the entire time.

"You're perfect," I whisper.

"You'd be the only person alive who'd think that."

"Bet I'm not."

"Ohhh, I'm not falling for your bets again." He pulls back. "Fine. Everyone thinks I'm perfect. I don't care as long as I don't get stuck on lawn duty again."

"Oh, baby, there is still so much lawn duty in your future."

"Worst boyfriend ever."

"So …" I run my hand along his arm until I reach the edge of the bandage. "A tattoo? What prompted that?"

"While I was waiting for my appointment today, I really got to thinking. I've used Em as a crutch for so long, and truthfully, I don't trust myself not to do it again. And so …" Benny peels off the bandage, revealing two linked triangles. "We booked in with Remy at Indelible Ink and both got one. Mine on my left arm and his on his right. The added bonus is that it might help me with directions …" He squints at the tattoo. "It's weird. I know this is left, but my brain keeps trying to say the wrong thing." When he looks up, his grin is happier than I've ever seen it. "It also means the man who loves me isn't going to get me confused with my brother ever again."

"Damn. No sneaky butt grabs?"

Benny thumps my shoulder, which is fair.

"Seriously, that's amazing. That was a big step for you both."

His fingers twist through mine. "Yeah. I almost chickened out, if I'm honest. A few times."

"But you didn't. I'm so impressed."

"Thanks. I guess I was kind of boosted by today."

I'd been hesitant to ask, but now that he's given me an opening, I can't hold my question back. "How did it go?"

"I want to say good, but … not the right word. Promising? Depressing? All of the above."

I chuckle. "They're not usually words that go together, so you might want to explain some more."

"Okay, so, even though this was just the preliminary meeting, we had a good chat, and he went over some basic tests with me. He said the testing is needed for a definitive diagnosis, but he's confident in what the results will be."

"Dyscalculia?"

"Yep." Benny frowns for a moment. "I don't think I'm upset about it. More that I should have known a long time ago. It's … frustrating."

"But you also said promising?"

"Yeah. He said because there's more known about it, there are more coping mechanisms than ever." Benny takes a deep breath. "He said when it comes to dyscalculia, there's no magic fix. I'll probably always operate, naturally, at an elementary school level. So that fucking sucks."

I squeeze Benny's hand harder.

"Numbers don't just magically become understandable. I won't suddenly learn my left from right, and I'll probably never be able to look at a clock and read it without counting it out or even understand what the time means. But he said there's also no reason to think I couldn't pass statistics with extra time, a calculator, one-on-one assessors, and the ability to take notes in with me. I might not remember it after, but I'd be able to remember the steps for figuring everything out."

"That's amazing."

Benny doesn't look excited though. "All that is done through learning support. And to get that, I have to declare my diagnosis."

That's what he's most afraid of. "What are the chances it'll go under the radar? That they'll grant the support without looking at past history?"

"I really don't know. I don't know how they do any of that, and the thought of risking my degree is terrifying."

"So, what do you do?"

"For now … I've decided to drop stats. At least for the rest of the semester until I've been through this process. Once I have my diagnosis, I can think about it more clearly." He swallows. "I did have a thought. Something that would probably work, without risking my degree, but it would mean transferring to Vermont. My brother-in-law is head of the math department there … they'll be so fucking angry at what Em and I have done, but …"

"You'd still graduate."

"Exactly."

We stand there, not saying much, even as my fucking heart is hammering out of my chest. We've just told each other we're in love, and now there's a very real future where he might leave me. One that I wouldn't even hold against him because it makes the most sense.

"Whatever you need to do."

His scowl creeps back in, and I hurry to add, "Vermont is known for its greenery."

Benny peeks up at me. "What are you saying?"

I'm running on pure instinct, gambling that this isn't pushing too hard for what he's ready for, but when it comes to his degree and the choices he needs to make, I don't want to be a barrier for him. He has enough of those already. "There'd be a lot of plants there for me to study."

"You'd come with me?"

"As long as you want me there, you wouldn't even need to ask."

His sweet face lights up, and I'm desperate to kiss him, but I hold off. "Holy shit, I think today just became perfect."

"I'll take that as a yes, then."

"Fuck yes."

"Okay." Fuck. Looks like we might be headed to Vermont. "I can probably wrap my master's up in a year if I pick up some more units next semester. I'll be busy, but I was already thinking about it, so does that give you enough time?"

"I'd be able to go whenever. Even if it means taking an extra semester there." His face turns determined. "But I'm not giving up on here yet. That's a last resort because I don't want to have to keep relying on my brothers to fix my problems for me. I want to at least try and do it for myself."

It's probably the best thing he could say. The fact he wants to try, even if it means he could fail, is more important than he knows. Not even to me, but to him.

If we end up in Vermont, at least he'll know he did everything he could before he reached out for help. It sounds like it'll be a first for him, and I'm so glad I get to be here to witness it.