Chapter 18

BENNY

I have a screen full of missed calls and texts from Em when I climb out of the shower, and my heart shoots into my throat. They're a mix of "I fucked up" to "I'm sorry," and now he isn't answering, and I'm starting to freak out.

Towel clung to my hips, I make for my room, trying him again, while I remind my heart to just stop for a fucking second until I find out what the hell is going on. Those messages don't automatically mean he's in trouble. They don't. He's still fucking alive, so the rest we can deal with.

I make it to my room and rip through my drawers to find a clean pair of underwear to pull on. Anything has to be better than trying to handle a crisis in a towel.

My phone goes off, and I dive for it, hoping for Em and finding a text from Harrison instead.

Everything okay?

What the hell is going on?

Normally my default is to reply to him instantly, but the twist in my gut makes me wait. Em's freaked out about something, and Harrison wants to know if I'm okay, which clues me into the fact that maybe something happened between them. Did Harrison spot him in class and think he was me? Did they kiss? Fight?

"Fuck." One hand rests on my head as I press my phone to the ear with the other, listening to it ring and ring and cut out again. "Fucking shit fuck."

My window thumps open, and Emmett all but falls inside. He struggles out of his bag and pushes to his feet, eyes wildly meeting mine.

Just the sight of him calms me.

"Dude, what the fuck? Why are we panicking?"

"Benny, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know."

"Know what?"

"That Harrison is Bowser."

I stare at him for a beat. "What?"

He presses his face into his hands and lets out a short, raspy scream. "Okay. So. I kind of fucked up."

"Get to the point. Faster."

"Right." He bares his teeth like he really doesn't want to continue, but he fucking better because I'm about to strangle it out of him. "You know how we've always had that sort of loose kind of rule about not talking to anyone in classes and pretending to be the other person for real?"

My gut sinks. "Not a loose kind of rule. An actual rule that we've always been super careful to stick to and I always, always did for you."

Em looks like he's going to cry, and it takes me aback. My brother never cries. He might be the sweet, kind one out of the two of us, but as close as we are, as much as we've been through, since we hit preteen age, he's only ever cried once from what I can remember. Whereas whenever I get frustrated, I can't see through the fucked-up, angry tears that won't leave me alone.

"Em? What the fuck does Harrison have to do with this?" Because if he's figured it out, if he knows there's two of us, not only could he report us for cheating and have me thrown out of college too, I … I might lose him. The fact I don't know which option is worse is a real fucking problem.

"I'm lonely, Ben. Okay? I'm sorry. This year's been kind of fucked-up, and that first day of class, I almost missed it, and there weren't many seats, so I sat near him. He started asking questions about the class, so I answered them, and then … He was really nice. He sat next to me every time, I didn't go to him, but he's a talker, and it's so hard not to talk back, and … I liked him. It was nice to have a friend again. Someone I could talk to who wasn't you."

"Please tell me you're not falling for him?"

"What?" He scrubs at his eyes. "Of course not. I don't even know him very well. But when he's around, I … I don't feel so lonely."

Holy shit.

Everything makes so much sense now. The way Harrison approached me that first day of class. How he knew I'd planned something with hockey, even though I'm sure I've never mentioned it. Him calling me Benny. No one calls me that except Em, and if that's how he introduced himself …

I drop back to sit on the side of my bed, head fucking spinning. My phone is still lighting up with messages that I can't answer, and my brain is flooding with indecision. I'm pissed at Em for breaking our promise, but as much as yelling would make me feel better, I just … can't. Because I had the same thought, didn't I? The same moment of getting to have a person who wasn't my twin. And I at least have my frat brothers, but who does he have?

I let out a frustrated shout, just something to get all this burning energy out of me.

It would be so much easier if I didn't love my brother. If we could fight and I could tell him to fuck off and that'd be it, but I know that it doesn't matter what happens here—if Harrison ditches me and I'm thrown out of school, we have each other. Forever.

Fighting with him ends quickly because we both end up feeling so damn sick over it.

"I'm so mad," I choke out.

He looks terrible.

"Fuck, Em." My voice breaks. "I actually really fucking like this guy."

"I know. I swear, I had no clue it was him. None. Like I said, we don't talk about much that isn't schoolwork."

"Then how did you figure it out? Does he know? We need to stop and go back. Tell me exactly what happened."

Em's teeth sink into his lip, and he opens his hand, showing off the scar he got when we were kids. "He saw it and said it wasn't there the other night. Hinted about something happening between us, and that's when it clicked."

If he saw the scar, we're fucked. There's no way to cover up that we're separate people. I've already attempted my own matching scar, and all it got me was a scolding from West, a sore hand, and a cut that healed over too fast.

The thing is … I don't want to lie to him. I don't want Harrison talking to Em and thinking he's me. I don't want to try and hide it all from him or deceive him or whatever. It's bad enough that it's happened already, even if it wasn't on purpose.

Which means, apparently, I have two choices.

Walk away from Harrison and avoid him like the plague.

Or tell him the whole truth.

Everything.

Including the cheating and hope like hell that he doesn't turn me in.

"What do we do?" I whisper, not really expecting an answer.

"Drop the class? Shave our hair? Move to Mexico?"

"That isn't funny."

"I'm not joking." He sits next to me. "It'd help me out with Asher and West too."

"If you think they can't hunt us down in Mexico, you don't know our brothers."

He sighs, looking out my window. "Do you ever sometimes think that school isn't for us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we both suck at it."

"Says who? We've always had top marks."

"Except that one year we were put in all the same classes."

I try to forget that year. I almost had to retake math, and his English results were in the hole. We had to make up this whole lie about spending too much time together and always fighting, which meant we had no time left to study. Somehow, everyone bought it.

"Okay, so maybe we're stupid about some things, but it doesn't mean school isn't for us. Is that why you don't want to go back? You think you're dumb?"

"Something like that …"

"You're not dumb. Quit that. And also, why won't you just let me be mad at you? It would be a lot easier right now."

He laughs and tackle-hugs me to the bed. "Because I know you don't want that. It always makes us both feel shit."

"Stupid twin stupid bond. Aren't we supposed to have superpowers?"

"I don't think it works like that."

I gaze up at my ceiling, following the patterns in the cracked paint with my eyes. "Do you think he looked at you and pictured you naked?" I ask Em.

"What?"

"Eh. Nothing." It's not something I've ever considered before. That someone I'm with might be equally as attracted to my brother because I've never actually cared. If you'd asked me, I probably would have thought it was hilarious, would have loved it, because Em and I share everything, and we love that people can't tell us apart.

I think this is the first time ever that I don't love it so much.

The fact Harrison has this whole friendship with Em that's caught me by surprise makes me uncomfortable. I hate that he couldn't tell the difference. Hate that if something happened to me, it wouldn't matter because he has a backup guy. A replacement.

Fuck, my thoughts are getting dark.

"I need a drink," I say.

"No, you need to talk to him."

"Can't."

"Why?"

I turn my head to look at Em. "What if he never talks to me again?"

"What was going to happen if you started dating? If things got serious?"

"He's still figuring himself out. I don't see that happening."

"You suck at hypotheticals. Just try for me."

"If we dated, we would have dated. What kind of question is that?"

"And you would have had to tell him about me."

"Obviously. But he never had to know you were in class with him. I would have just been all, ‘Here's Em, who has never been at all around this area, and you definitely haven't met him before.'"

Em laughs. "Ah. So, you'd start your relationship on a lie."

"Don't be an asshole."

"Well, stop being chickenshit."

I huff and ignore my phone lighting up again. The dread curls deeper in my stomach every time I think about facing Harrison. We'd been all date-y the other night, and it low-key freaked me out, even as I loved it, but now that there's a chance he might get angry with me? It's driving home how much I want him.

"He'll be okay, right?" I ask Em. "It was a simple mix-up. And technically his fault. He approached us."

"Yeah, I suggest leaving that last part off."

"Fuck."

"You can do it."

But that's the thing. I really, really, really can't.